I had a birthday lunch with my WAW today. I DB the whole time we were together. The lunch and visit lasted 1hr and 45 minutes. No talk about R or M or C. We just talked about her job and my new motorcycle and the kids. I told her that I was proud of her and she deserved all the complements. I know it made her feel good. That was my whol;e purpose today, to make her feel good and leave this lunch happy and I think she did. I broke up the fun like the DB say to and we left together. When we got to our respective cars she said that she had a good lunch and we had a good long hug and a kiss on the lips. That hasn’t happened in three months.
Now I am not saying that everything is great, but it was so much better to see her and talk to her and make eye contact and we both did a lot of smile and few good laughs. This is only my first step. We plan to meet next month for scheduled doctors’ appointment and breakfast. I am so encouraged at this moment in time.
I am talking to my DB coach tonight and see what we can plan for my next step.
That's great news. Good beginning. I'm glad you are taling to the DB coach for next step advice. Everytime may not be quite as great, but this is wonderful. Just don't get so excited that you start pursuing her. That would be a backslide.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are right. Caution is the word that may better applied here. I just got off the phone with my DB coach. We have planed to talk again before my next schedule meeting with W.
I am little more optimistic now than I was a few days ago. I also know that this is just one of the first steps of 10,000 + more I will have to take before this sitch comes to an end.
I can feel good about my GAL and which helps reinforce my PMA. One thing I have learned tonight, that all of my reading, therapy, feed back from you guys, and the DB coach is making decisions from the heart and for the right reasons will be best course of action. Using LRT as a guide, but temper it with unspoken understanding, patients, love, caring, and affection. Knowing that I am doing it for the right reasons will help me approach each situation without fear, anger and control, which were part of our problems in our M.
This may the wrong way to do it, but it feels good to me and if it doesn’t work out, then I know that it did the best way could. I will better for it.
Sounds very wise to me. Keep that PMA going and do what your DB coach advises you and keep reading the DR book. Apply the principles and you can't go wrong if you do it with the attitude you just described.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Does your S is or wants to work things out and get back together? If the S wants to? Do you want to? What is holding things up? How much time are you willing to wait?
"Have I had a great epiphany about whether I should continue being a WAS or return home? Not yet - but I'm hoping that comes soon." Can you elaborate?
Hi, Very Scared 54. Hope things are going well for you. I'm sorry I didn't reply to this sooner but I've been offline for a while now. To answer your question, H has said that he will not be the one to end this marriage - that ball is in my court. However, he is not prepared to fight for it either, so I guess there is no real initiative for me to do either one. He tells me that he won't wait forever, but then he says he won't end the marriage so I really don't know where he is on everything. At this point, there is a lot of mistrust, hurt, confusion and anger on both our parts that we're trying to work through. I don't want to wait forever for obvious reasons - the longer we're apart, the easier it gets and I don't want that; I don't want to put my life on hold forever. Right now, it's really the trust issue and the uncertainty that we can actually fix things that holds us back.
As for the epiphany thing, I guess I always just sort of hoped I would wake up one morning and think, "I want to go home." Or, in the alternative, have something happen to me that made me realize that I'm happy on my own and it's time to move on. I know that in reality these life-defining moments happen only rarely, so I'm not really relying on that great eye-opening experience anymore. I just want to be sure that I do what's best for me...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Thanks for the input. I guess each sitch is deferent, but in away the same.
My W just on an oversea business trip for a week this afternoon. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes last night. The conversation was very polite and friendly. Her voice inflections were positive. I felt real good about how we ended the conversation. Today she emailed me for the layover stop and asked if I would send a list of address, so she mail cards to everyone from her destination. She also said that she will bring some goodies back with her. None if this mean much to anyone else, but it mean a lot to me.
I got really angry with my friends yesterday. They are saying that the W is just using me to get what she wants and I am getting the bad end of the stick. I know they are just looking out for my feelings, but they all think the R/M is dead and should just get over it and move on. I just can’t do that. It mean too much to me. I know we can and will work it out with time, but my friends are creating second thoughts, which I don’t really need now.
I am kind of lost and confused. I want this to work so badly, but yet it could go the other way just as easy. It is hard to maintain a PMA with so many negative opinions around.
Very Scared.........don't be scared. When we are around people with PMA it tends to rub off on us and the same about being around people that are negative. I know from experience. I had two major role models in my life that were negative about almost everything in life. As they got older, they got more negative....and I realized I was getting to be just like them. It is very hard to detach emotionally from people that are in your family that are negative, but when it is friends.....even though you don't want to and you feel like you need friends at this moment....they are not helping you in the NMA. They see you hurting and their answer is to chew the foot off and get out of the trap. But, they are not the ones going through this and they are not the ones to live with the results of the actions. They mean well, I'm sure, but it isn't what you need to hear at the moment, so you may have to distant yourself for a while, maybe even meet some new friends that are more postive and supportive.
Whenever I was around my two relatives that were so negative, I tried to see how cheerful I could be and whenever they started the same old stuff again....I would immediately try to change the subject. If they don't get the hint, then you have to distant yourself to get stronger. It takes a lot of strength to be around negative opposition b/c it will drain you dry. So, do whatever you have to do in order to keep your PMA and stay upbeat and healthy. That is important. I read all the time that exercise is very good for this. Do you have a work out program? I wished I was physically able to do that. It is good for depression and self esteem and just about everything that effects us.
Let me know how you are doing and if you have set any particular goals for yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I agree with you. I have already distance myself from them, at least on this topic. I am not going to share with them want is going on with me and the W. I will just respectfully decline to answer or change the subject. After all I brought them into, before I read DB and did not know better. But I know better now.
Yes, I agree with you. I have already distance myself from them, at least on this topic. I am not going to share with them want is going on with me and the W. I will just respectfully decline to answer or change the subject. After all I brought them into, before I read DB and did not know better. But I know better now.
I think that the W needs to save-face to come back. It will not happen real soon, but does anyone have any suggestions? Is there away that I can help her with that problem? Is saving–face important enough to worry about?
I would think it would be important to her. Anyone have any ideas?
