Q: Did you ever say things about the relationship, undermining things like you didn't know if you wanted to be married anymore? If you did say these things, did you mean them at the time or were you testing your H in any way?
A: I was really cautious about saying things to hurt him only to find that my actions where devastating to him. I can remember saying things to the effect that nothing was getting better. He could always see the positive and I only saw negative.
Quote:
Q: Did you feel depressed at the time that you were the WAS, and was this part of what led to the decision to WA?
A: Absolutely. I tried for six years to make our M work. I read every book I could get my hands on, searched the web (wished I had found DB) and tried all the techniques. I compromised, I changed a bit, I asked him to change, and asked him to go to counseling and “work” with me at this M. He thought all was well and nothing needed to change. I was depressed. I felt as if he wasn’t invested in making the M better and didn’t want or love me. I constantly felt rejected in one way or another and for those reasons I was depressed. Without him willing to go to counseling I felt I had no choice but to walk away.
Quote:
Q: During the time that you were the WAS, on any level were you glad that your H was fighting for the marriage even though you wanted less pressure about it? I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether this commitment made up in any way for the way you felt you'd been neglected in your Rs?
A: I was glad that my H was finally fighting for our marriage and through little fault of his own little was changing. I would have liked him to invest time, such as the DBers here are doing, in finding solutions and creating change. That is the way to fight for your M not by pressuring the spouse.
Quote:
Q: Did you feel guilty while you were the WAW? If so did this play any part in you not wanting to be around your H?
A: I did although I didn’t realize the magnitude of his pain until I became the LBS. I was also cut off from my feelings due to years of frustration and anger. I came home every weekend and sometimes staying longer, continued to go out of town and on vacation because of the guilt but the pressure made me want to stay away.
Quote:
Q: Did you doubt your decisions as you made them during the process? Just wondering whether you were confused, or felt like you had clarity?
A: I was back and forth throughout the whole process. I was worried I was making a mistake but didn’t know how to make things better or to love him enough again. I told my therapist this and unfortunately she was not pro-marriage and fed me all that mumbo jumbo about “ go with your feelings”, “it’s ok to want to be on your own”, “marriage is difficult but it should not be this difficult” etc etc.
Quote:
Q: I am doing the LRT but, I believe, my Ws love language is quality time. How do you feel about the LRT?
A: That depends. Did you spend quality time together before? If not and that was one of her complaints then you want to spend more quality time and make the R a priority. In my sitch when I wanted to do the LRT my coach suggested that I not because quality time was H’s complaint during the first separation.
Quote:
Q: We are living together and while I am not talking about R, I can see she wants to get the D over with. Will D provide us with a better chance to reconcile?
A: One thing that has helped my H and I at least become friends, and I say this a lot, is to show him that I get it. My behavior and actions are that of a friend not a wife. I have also said things such as I get that you do not want to be married right now and I have put aside hope for this marriage.
Quote:
Q: How did you feel about whether trust could be restored with H? We want to be friends but she is very distance now and frankly I think there have been other EAs. Should I tell her that she needs to work on rebuilding my trust in her?
A: I feel she may get defensive on this one. I understand it was/is hurtful to have your trust betrayed. Trusting again I believe is something that you have to work on within yourself. Hopefully if you show you trust her she will be more trustworthy but you can’t change her actions.
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 09/03/0804:58 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Christa and Hopefull - thank you so much for your responses. You rock! I am praying for you both. I can also offer you the H perspective if you wish. I will take your advice and see what I can do. Admittely I am feeling conflicted. The LRT contains a lot of not spending quality time with my W, where emotional distance and lonliness is one of her chief issues with me in the past. However I do not want her to feel crowded or pressurd and I think that just being around me gives her that feeling. I am ask my DB coach about this and what to do next.
The LRT contains a lot of not spending quality time with my W, where emotional distance and lonliness is one of her chief issues with me in the past. However I do not want her to feel crowded or pressurd and I think that just being around me gives her that feeling.
HFGW,
Thank you. I am always interested in hearing the H's perspective. Men are such different creatures than women. I understand that his experience as a WAH is potentially different than my experience as a WAW. Do you think his pride has a lot to do with it?
In regards to the LRT if it was one of your wife's chief complaints that you two didn't spend quality time together then your 180 would be to spend time with her. What can you do to take the pressure off? It is my guess that she is not comfortable in a romantic relationship. You must first eliminate the negative feelings then build a friendship. The romance and recommitment comes later. Show her that you get it. Make the time you spend together about rebuilding a friendship not a romance. DO NOT go on dates. Participate in and invite her to fun activities that involve groups. Just my opinion of course.
All the best
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Thank you. I am always interested in hearing the H's perspective. Men are such different creatures than women. I understand that his experience as a WAH is potentially different than my experience as a WAW. Do you think his pride has a lot to do with it?
Hopeful - I read your recent posting and my heart goes out to you. You must be really hurting with what your H is doing. I will tell you that pride does have something to do with it. The pride that he can command the attention of a younger women. It is likely to get very physical, and I am so sorry to say so. However you know your H the best and can determine how far it will go. I can tell you it will not last given the age gap. It may be just an ego thing playing out. Set boundaries and stay in your home.
HFGW~ happy to help!! Will be back after midterms to pick your brain about the H!!! He's a tough nut to crack You will be in my prayers as well Take care of yourself....Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
You will be in my prayers as well