The Sweet Used-To-Be (17)

[gForce]

Prior thread -- The Twisted Irony (16)

sometimes i go walkin through fields
where we walked
long ago in the sweet used-to-be
and the flowers still grow
but they don't smell as sweet
as they did when you picked them for me
and when i think of you
and the love we once knew
how i wish we could go back in time
do you ever think back on old mem'ries like that
or do i ever cross your mind

I remember driving with W about a month post-bomb. This song came on the radio - written by Dolly Parton and sung by Joan Osborne. We didn't say a word to each other but both of us were crying by the time it finished.

Today was a fabulous day - sunny and warm. Went to the coast and spent the day with MIL, BIL and his family. Just a very nice and comfortable day. Thanks for stopping by!

[kat727]

I'm not sure if I have heard that song. Does sound sad. Just gotta work through all the mess. I talked with Karen earlier today. She had two trees come down. One hit her car and broke out a window. I know another one almost hit the house, possibly breaking out a window. She didn't have any power for about a day. Her cable is out.

It looks like the storm has stalled not that far from her. She said she called and left a voice mail for her H around 8 am and he still hadn't called her by early afternoon. She thinks she will be ok. She asked about everyone we know and I filled her in as best as I knew. She doesn't have any cable or internet right now so I let her know about the storm too.

Just wanted to let you know.

kat

[lodo]

So, moving on to Joan, eh? She does a great cover but I still prefer the version with Dolly and Chet Atkins.

lodo

[LL44]

Your first post on this thread sounds soooo full of promise. I couldn't be happier for you!!

[gForce]

kat - thanks for letting me know about Karen. Property damage is fine as long as the family is well. Glad to hear it!

lodo - The "country" versions of this song never really caught my attention. But Joan Osborne's version is just so beautiful. It is almost like a totally different song, and draws me in even on the 100th listen.

lwb, my role model for integrity and patience -- I appreciate you still dropping by.

Went to the "American Folk Festival" here in Bangor yesterday. Walked around, ate too much, listened to a lot of music. Talked to a friend of ours who is a contractor to try to get his input as we start seriously planning to build a new home. We have our eye on a piece of land near where the old house is. This feels so much like a second M for us. Maybe we should organize a re-M party.

[mountainman]

gForce, glad to hear you had such a good weekend. I was wondering if I could ask for some advice?

It's about walls. I wont go into the details about my sitch, but I am at a place right now where my W had a huge wall up to me. There has been a wall for awhile now, but this is like the great wall of china now. I have done nothing but been open to listening, making positive changes, no pressure or R talk initiated by me, basically good DBing (I think). But she just keeps putting this wall up higher and higher. Is this something that you went through in your M too? If so, how did you deal with it? what signs did you see that gave you hope that the wall might come down someday? If you didn't experience this, any advice?

thanks for taking the time to listen, even if you dont have the time to respond. Have a great day!

[gForce]

I know the wall well! But unfortunately, I don't think there is a way for you to tear it down if she is intent on building it. The DB book does say that if the WAS has already checked out of the R, no amount of effort can turn her around. So she is the one that needs to take it down, not you.

How did I deal with it? Poorly. I beat my head against that wall time and again. But it wasn't until I was prepared to move on without her that I started to pull my life together again. So when she had second thoughts and looked back towards our M, she saw something she wanted to come back to and realized what she was losing. Had I not made those changes, she would have looked back, saw more of the same, and kept going.

So my changes didn't make her change her mind. But they created a win-win situation for me. My life was moving in a positive direction with or without her. Of course in the end I did get my M back. But even though DBing promotes itself as a marriage-saving strategy, I think it is more of a life-saving one. It is for YOU that you do these things. I have read others say that the best DBing happens after you give up. I think that is true.

[mountainman]

I have read others say that the best DBing happens after you give up. I think that is true.

I think that is true as well. I have been the emotional mess since this all started happening in February. I finally decided to give up and give her a seperation a month and a half ago. It was hard in the beginning but a surprising thing started to happen. I started the process of moving on. I pictured myself as a happy person without her. I faced the reality of getting a divorce and once I faced it, I wasn't as a afraid. I am probably as afraid now of staying together as I am breaking up so to me, right now, either road is fine and as long as it may take, I will be happy in the end. I made changes in me and have learned many things about myself through all of this. If it does work out between us, I will still look back on this experience as a necessary step for me to grow into who I need to be and who she needs me to be.

thanks for the insight into how you handled things when you were in my sitch!

[mountainman]

That makes me hope that someday I can tell her that I think this was necessary, that I am glad and grateful that she asked for a seperation, not to get away from her, but it's because what I needed.
I have been looking at this seperation as a mistake, a problem to be fixed. Now I am looking at is as a kind of therapy, something life-altering that you need in order to make big changes and start living a different life, something that will benefit me in the end.
Geez, am I glass half full today or what???

[kat727]

Hey g. Just stopping in to check on you. Hope all is well on the home front.

kat