Long Walk Home on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

I would like to know that she is watching and HOPING they are real and permanent, rather than watching and being completely indifferent to what she sees.

amen brother..amen!!!

[sandi2]

Hi again Neil, well for one thing, I guess I'm getting a reputation about using 2x4's but actually, I wasn't realizing that I was doing it to you. That is just my normal talk....lol.

Maybe my stitch is different as far as most WAW's......I don't know. I have never felt like I was the one testing or wathcing my H or any of those other things that were mentioned. I felt as though I was the one that was watched for a time. But anyway, about your question.......I can try to answer for me...okay? As you probably know, my M went for decades without much physical affection at all, much less ML. There was no communication on an intimate level.....which is what I craved. So, as time went by, I lost more and more interest in trying to keep the M alive all by myself. Over the years, I don't know how to explain what happens since Michelle says there is no such thing as "falling out of love", but something happens. It is like a part of you "dies" or something. Maybe I have not tried as hard to "revive" the feelings as I should. I have explained all of that before and was told it was just an excuse, so I quit trying. All I know is that when a woman can't feel something there in her heart, it is very difficult (for me anyway) to act without feeling when it comes to the relationship between a H and W. B/c it is the most intimate R there is on earth. You can act "as if" with almost anyone else......but when it comes to intimacy.....man, that is hard. Maybe some women can pretend.....it just never worked for me.

I used to try to tell my H over and over again, that the longer we went without sex, the harder it was for me to get into the mood again. The more often we had sex, the easier it was to get into the mood.....or better yet....stay in the mood. So, you would think he would want to keep having sex on a regular bases....right? Go figure! All I can say is after 12+ years of no sexual touching at all.....except for some hugs and a few light kisses......it is hard to have those feelings that you are talking about. That is just me. That is all I can speak for. Like I said before and probably have even tried to tell other this advise hoping it would help them......to say that happiness and love is all a choice or a decision is very easily said, but to put it into actions is much harder to do. Some people's situations is a lot worse than others......and I'm not talking about my own here, but thinking of some that are worse than mine. When diseases, lack of food and shelter, lack of income and jobs, or terrible abuse is present.......when those things exsist, yeah, it is pretty hard to say that happiness is a choice. Sorry if I sound so negative. I don't mean to be, but I am also a realist and I know that life can suck the happiness and love right out of a person. Maybe they don't mean for it to, but in some cases, it happens before that person is aware of it. That is why it hurts to see people left with so much bitterness in their hearts. I don't want to be that way and am fighting not to be. I don't feel bitter, but I feel empty right now. I am still working at trying to "feel" what my H wants me to feel for him. However, I would think that he would want it to be genuine.

Oh well, that's just more of my same thoughts. Guess some of you are getting tired of hearing them by now.

[Neilh23]

Sandi...
dont worry about it. I would like to see you be happy too. I really do admire the fact that you gave your marriage a shot at working. and that you are so honest about your sitch. You really do help me, and everyone else here, a lot with your perspective. It's difficult smetimes for me to grasp my W's point of view...you help tremendously with that..just like SC and Bridge. so thank you. you are an indelible source of information...and i'm glad you care enough to keep commenting. keep it up!!!! I can be a slow learner sometimes...LOL

[sandi2]

That is so sweet of you to say that. I went to another post after I left yours and it was almost on the same subject. By this time, I was getting pretty much down in the mouth and feeling sorry for myself...ugh. So, I felt like I was raining on everyone's day. Don't want to ever do that. But, guess when trying to express feelings, those things get in the way, don't they? You are very sweet and I appreciate your kindness. I want so much for your M to work out for you.

[smartcookie]

I would like to know that she is watching and HOPING they are real and permanent, rather than watching and being completely indifferent to what she sees.

amen brother..amen!!!

If she was completely indifferent & was ready to move on, she wouldn't be watching. It wouldn't matter to her what you were doing.

Watching is good. Being angry is good. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

Keep on swimming. You can't know how close you are to the other side of the channel.

Hugs

[smartcookie]

Bill. I understand what you are saying. That is exactly the truth. Makes me wonder how the heck I am supposed to be my "natural self" when I know I'm being examined every minute. It makes me nervous and anxious whether I'm doing something right or wrong all the time.

I try to have faith and watch and listen. Then I try to decipher what he said and how I am about to act or speak. Not sure how natural it is to do that, yet I know that I am learning. At the same time I'm working on me I'm trying to balance what he needs and expects. Suffice it to say it can be confusing.

(((Kj))) do the right thing for YOU. Then if it turns out to be the wrong thing for him, you're still true to yourself. How about instead of worrying about what he needs & expects, you give what you are willing to give to a permanent relationship. If it's not enough for him, wouldn't you rather know now, than 2 years from now ? Keeping in mind what we talked about before,

( oops, sorry for the hijack, forgot where I was for a second. *blush* )

don't be too clingy, don't pursue or chase. When he's around, be available to interact with him, & when he's not you fill your own bucket. okay ? Hang in there, I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

I'm guessing it's probably close to how I felt for all the years when I felt like H was indifferent to me. I felt like a piece of furniture a lot of the time. Nice to put the wallet on, & he'd miss it if it wasn't there, but barely noticed as long as it was there.

big warm hugs

[ndsmhelp]

If she was completely indifferent & was ready to move on, she wouldn't be watching. \:\) It wouldn't matter to her what you were doing.

Watching is good. Being angry is good. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

Keep on swimming. You can't know how close you are to the other side of the channel.

So, SC...if my wife sees the changes and says that they don't matter, how do I know that is not apathy. Just because she is watching the changes, does not mean she actually cares about them, correct?

[The Wifey]

Oh well, that's just more of my same thoughts. Guess some of you are getting tired of hearing them by now.

Keep writing Sandi. I am not tired of hearing them. It helps me understand how my H must feel. He is a DAM, but a sensitive one. I read everything. Don't stop.

[Neilh23]

Sandi...you're welcome...but it's true. You do give great advice!

SC...don't worry about hijacking me....i do other people. LOL...you, like Sandi, are indelible places for advice and knowledge...and we're going to use that knowledge!!! thank you so much...

UD, ndsmhelp...i'll be by later to see what you guys are up to... apparantly, we got some drama LOL

not much is going on with me. Been GALing...soccer practices in th morning, so i've been leaving pretty early. Yesterday was a rough IC session...i'm working at getting past the pain and anguish that i still feel about my sitch.....i know i have to get past it in order for me to fully grow and be able to establish a healthy relationship with my W. It's just pretty damn painful at the moment....i have a lot of pain and fear and anger and all sorts of negative emotions to work through.

interactions with my W have been quite nice. No text pix of the girls :(, but she's been very upbeat when i talk to her or text. She's asked me about some stuff about the kids. I can hear her smile on the phone....which is nice. I wonder if she was PMSing last week. we'll see how tonite goes...

take care all....stay positive and stay strong!!!

[sandi2]

Thanks Neil and Wifey. Maybe when we all get perfect marriages....then we can all become writers and get rich and famous! But, I'd just settle for a very happy marriage, wouldn't you? I know they are possible b/c I saw it in my own parents. That is not to say they never had problems, but they "talked" and were able to work things out. My parents R was different from the role model set before my H with his parents. They had a good family, etc., but he did not see the same type of "closeness" I don't think, like I saw. His parents stopped sleeping together when their kids were still home. Maybe that is why my H doesn't seem to think much about it not being that important for him to sleep with me. That has been a problem all of our M life. He never wanted to go to bed at the same time that I did (which was just normal "bedtime") but I had always seen my parents go to bed together and I could hear their hushed whispers and giggles. I thought that was what M was all about. Then I marry a man that doesn't even want to go to bed with his bride about a month after the wedding.....except to have sex....and then gets back up to watch the late movie! So much for intimacy. Anyway, there is always at least two different ways of looking at most everything. And, that is why we are all here to help each other see different sides of the picture. I for one, appreciate all of you and just wanted you to know that. I don't know what I would have done without the people here on this board.

Take care,
Sandi