Long Walk Home on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

Actually, no, I wasn't. THat was one idea that crossed my mind, along with the other ones.

I had 3 sessions with a DB Coach....Dotty...she's given me alot of great advice....i'm just frustrated because i sensed her moving closer, and then she's pulled back a ton. that, plus i started to obscess over things...at least here. I really haven't shown any of this to my W...or expressed any of it to her

i'm using Michelle's ideas as my, to use a teaching term, curriculum. HOwever, with all curriculum's, the better you can put your own spin on things to make them work for your sitch, the better off you are. That's why i've read so many books. Of coursde, since i got michelle's, i haven't gotten anymore books.

you were right of coruse, as was PDT, that i've been looking for a quick fix. I know i can't go back to the life we had. I honestly don't want that. However, i do believe that some things will be the same. We would communicate differently, that's all. I think i need to reread DR anyways. i'm working on it....i just need to wrap mymind around doing it.

Part of it, i wonder, is if i'm really still mad at her for leaving. and that that's preventing me from putting these things into practice....

so i'm not sure if i'm frustrated with myself or her. Probably a little bit of both. It's like i set this deadline for myself (end of this summer) to improve my sitch to the point where we would be together. when in reality, that wasn't what I needed to do.
oiy vay.
things are going to stasrt picking up soo nfor me, so i won't have as much time to obscess over things...LOL....

[Neilh23]

i know i can't worry about what she says, but this realyl got me thinking...

she said in her email.. "i can't return the feeling" This, i think, bugs me the most. SImply because she CAN return the feeling. She's choosing not to. Why? because of everything that i mentioned in an earlier post on this thread. It's just frustrating........


AAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhh.

Now i'm pirate. LOL.

[sadincolorado]

Neil,

I think that your W is in a similar place to mine. Right now she's hurt by my actions in the past, and she's become defensive. She doesn't want to let down her guard with me and love me again, because she is in self protection mode. I think the love is still there, maybe just muted and pushed to the back burner because the pain is the most prevalent feeling she has right now.

[The Wifey]

I wonder if you are resisting doing that. You are looking for a quick, cheap, ticket to get your old wife and old life back...and it ain't gonna happen. This is going to be long and hard and you need to go to work and stop trying to figure out another "easy" way. Okay? ((hugs))

Sandi

Hey Sandi, this may not have been what Neil was looking for, but it helped me tremendously. Honestly, reading other people's threads really does help.

[The Wifey]

i know i can't worry about what she says, but this realyl got me thinking...

she said in her email.. "i can't return the feeling" This, i think, bugs me the most. SImply because she CAN return the feeling. She's choosing not to. Why? because of everything that i mentioned in an earlier post on this thread. It's just frustrating........


AAAAAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhh.




Now i'm pirate. LOL.

Hey Neil, What does a pirate and a pimp say?

Yo ho! (Joke compliments of the Sterling Renaissance Festival)

Anyhow, she can't return the feelings right now because she is numb and focusing on pushing you away. Yet, she does have some feelings which is confusing her. And she isn't going to let you know that. She is going to let that be her little secret.

Only now you know that, too. Let it be your secret that she isn't completely out of your life. You have intrigued her and confused her.

Now work on Neil and be the best guy for you. I'm cheering you on!!!!

[sandi2]

Part of it, i wonder, is if i'm really still mad at her for leaving. and that that's preventing me from putting these things into practice....

That would make sense to me. I'm sure that it takes a H a long time to get over that. Not only does it hurt the R but it hurts his ego, self confidence, etc.

so i'm not sure if i'm frustrated with myself or her. Probably a little bit of both. It's like i set this deadline for myself (end of this summer) to improve my sitch to the point where we would be together. when in reality, that wasn't what I needed to do.

That is why I tell people never place a "calendar date" on your stitch. Very seldom have I ever seen anything fall into place with a calendar.....in fact, right now, I can't think of anything. But where broken R are concerned.....forget it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment....and even anger.

she said in her email.. "i can't return the feeling" This, i think, bugs me the most. SImply because she CAN return the feeling. She's choosing not to. Why? because of everything that i mentioned in an earlier post on this thread. It's just frustrating........

How can you be so sure of what she can or can't do? B/c it is you? Listen, in all fairness to your W, I have to tell you that I have been there so many times I could not begin to count them. Yes, I would want to return the feelings that my H had toward me sexually, or otherwise, but it was like my heart would freeze up inside of me and I just could not return what he wanted. I just got through writing one poster about this same subject of love being a "choice". I think that the type of love between a man and woman is full of feelings and emotion and that is why it gets so complicated. If we could just "choose" and then act on that choice like I've read so many people say on this board and in books, then there would not be the problems out there that we see. It is usually the man that can't accept the fact that his wife cannot return the love, and he thinks it is simply b/c she doesn't want to. If she is "resisting" feeling the love in her heart.....that is one thing, but if she is trying really hard...but can't feel it there....then that is quite hard to do. Do you want her to react to you like a robot that just does the actions on command and not have the true feelings and emotions that should be there?

She doesn't want to let down her guard with me and love me again, because she is in self protection mode. I think the love is still there, maybe just muted and pushed to the back burner because the pain is the most prevalent feeling she has right now.

This is a quote from another poster and again we see a H who doesn't want to accept the fact that his W might not actually feel love for him anymore. I'm not saying that she does or doesn't. I will say that the rest of that quote makes a lot of sense. A woman will build a high wall of defense around her when she has been hurt badly enough and that wall has to come down before she will begin to "feel" the love again and be able to return it. I just believe there is more involved than just "choosing" to love a person. This is not a act of "stubborness", she is in pain and/or protecting herself, or maybe she has lost those emotions! Perhaps she truly wants to feel that love once again, but it just isn't happening for her. Again, had you rather her act like a robot?

That is why I try to tell couples that it will take more time than they dreamed it would take to completely get through the healing process and the M restored. There are no quick rememdies or solutions. You are dealing with human emotions here and that is delicate territory. I'm not saying that YOU do this, but a lot of men get all sulled b/c their W will not respond to them the way they want and that is the worst thing you could do. It turns a W off more than any man could imagine! So, for goodness sake, don't let her see that in you b/c it will set everything backward that much farther. Women are very complicated and I find it funny that it was a man that wrote book "Love is a Decision" I think I will write a book "Love is Complicated"....lol.

Take care,
Sandi

[Neilh23]

Sandi
thanks again for your insight. ONe thing struck me tho...

but if she is trying really hard...but can't feel it there....then that is quite hard to do

i'm gettig the impression that the WAW isn't trying really hard to love her husband...... which i think is the most frustrating for us...not tht she doesn't love me....it's that she decided not to try and love me.

is that more along the lines of what the WAW's are thinking?

[smartcookie]

<<i'm gettig the impression that the WAW isn't trying really hard to love her husband...... which i think is the most frustrating for us...not tht she doesn't love me....it's that she decided not to try and love me.

Neil, just speaking for myself, I couldn't risk loving him for quite a while. I had tried to make our M work for both of us for so long. Once I gave up, it was really frightening to risk caring again. My C told me to be "open to the idea of opening up to him" for months & months. Course now I'm really glad I did. But for a long time, I was scared to death. I had tons of anxiety & stress just thinking about it.

That's why I think I had to watch his behavior. I had to test small things to see if he would react with harsh coldness, or soft tenderness. Only after months of tenderness did I start to really open up. Each show of anger from him, pushed me further back. Hot stove, don't touch.

[steady]

Thanks for that smartcookie. Your posts have been so helpful in helping me know the pain and confusion that my W is going through. They also guide me to doing the things I need to do to take care of her needs right now.

Ken

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Good morning, Neil!

I see yo uwere still havign a bit of a rough weekend. Cheer up my friend! I will not swing 2x4s, as sandi and SC seem to have tha pretty well covered. You need t oget outside of your own head for a while. Youare allowing emotions to cloud your better judgement. You can do this. I will tell you the same thing I told John--You make your own happiness. Once you do that, you will not have to worry about what W is doing. It will also make you more confident, ergo more attractive.

SMW