Supportive and Proud Weather She Likes it or Not!!

[iamlost]

This weekend is family weekend. Our nephews’ birthday is on Saturday so we are driving home together today. Then hanging out for that. On Sunday I am renting a car to get home because she is going to stay until Tuesday. She has to come through here on Tuesday to get home and drop off the puppy. I asked her to go to dinner since Wednesday is our anniversary. No answer on that. But either way she has to come here so i will just leave her gift for her and that will be that.

I'll tell you the same thing I told JCJ--just enjoy your time with her, no matter what she's like to you. It's not personal. You can be concerned that she's stressed and busy with school, and let her know that, but just feel confident in who you are and that you are a great guy, doing the best that you can in a difficult situation.

Time with someone you love is a gift. If you can think of it like that, you can let everything roll right off your back, while still being concerned about her--because her issues are her own, not yours.

Have a great weekend (((JWS)))!

[JWS]

Thanks guys you are all right. I know that its school and not me, she is most likly like this with everyone she talks to.

I did get the message as a just because gift, I got an egiftcard and wrote on it "go get your kinks worked out so you can study” she thought it was great.

for our anniversary I had framed a great picture of her and her grandfather who she adores and passed away two years ago. also when we were out the weekend before school she saw a watch that she really like but did not want to spend the money on it. it was not expensive but she has been on a tight budget, so i went back and got that. Then I got a card from the encouragement section and told her i was proud of her and there for her. no mushiness at all and not ILU or anything more then a friend would do for like a birthday so something. Hope its ok. if anyone thinks there is a backslide here let me know because she does not get those until Tuesday.

Well she will be here soon and i still need a shower, so talk to you all later.

[pisces9]

JWS
sounds like she replied very well to the massage !

i think the picture is good and very thoughtful and sweet but adding the watch may be too much ...bc you also have a card.

did you already send it?

maybe just the picture and the card?

have fun with you W!

[JWS]

Ok I need help
,

let me give a quick summary.

She picked me up Friday to drive to our home town. She was very mean and nasty in the car. I DB well and told her not to treat me that way. She told me I was not welcome and her parents house. She did not understand why I want to go since I HATE her sister and our nephew. What ever more DBing. The next day I went to the Bday party. Great to see all the family. Hung out a lot with sister and nephew. Got a bit weird as no one there knows were are separated. Eventually it came up that my work and the school are 3 hours apart and they figured we were living apart for that. As the evening went on she warmed up a bit. Her family loves me and keep talking about how great we are and all that. After they left I said good by to the folks and told her I would see her tomorrow (today) but she keep following me out. She was very happy and we talked a bit joked around and she said she had a good night and that my present for him was the best.


Ok here the problem and its going to sound very familiar as I constantly wine about it because I can bring myself to make the right decision. Paid the phone bill yesterday. All of a sudden an old number is on there. The OM who lives here in our hometown. I am crushed pissed, and everything in-between. I put a block on her phone. Then I removed it, I want to say I am disappointed. I want to tell her to F off. I am leaving today she stays till Tuesday the day before our anniversary.

Who knows he was a friend before, maybe he is now. Does an affair change anything I guess not, but I am tired of this [censored]. Is this always going to keep coming up, am I even going to be able to get over this past pain and mistrust of her. I am switching my number to a different company and taking this opportunity to get myself an iphone, then once mine is off I will tell her I left that company so here is the account and she needs to manage it. I want more then anything to tell her off but that only hurts me and my cause so I will tell you all. I AM HURT AND PISSED there that felt better. The only way I can compete with this loser is to be the great guy I know I am and see what happens.

I wont say anything to her, and ill try to not think about it either, but I am so disappointed.

Yesterday was great with the family, but they are always so impressed with me and were very vocal about it last night. I was not sure if that would make her uncomfortable or not. We did talk a lot about law school too and they were very proud of her as well.

Does anyone out there have that magic compass that can point us in the right direction. I guess if you did you would not be here. Well I have to meet her in an hour so better work on that happy face.

[JWS]

wow censored i did not even type it out all the way

[JCJ]

(((JWS)))

That is cr**py. I think you are doing the right thing though, all that you have said in your post makes perfect sense. Rant away here my friend and then put on your happy face and DBust. You are doing really well, keep it up. Know that you did your best this weekend then you will come away with a good pma - much better than a backslide.

DBust for yourself, you are doing great!

[JWS]

i need to embrace the for myself part. i still do things to win her back and feel like a failure when it does not happen. I need to release this stuff, and let her chase me. I am so looking forward to getting out of town in few weeks. if that is what she wants he can have her because i don't want this version of her.

[JWS]

Caution Major venting, wining, and all around confusion.


I am tired
heres the big stuff


Nicely confronted her about the phone. Said it needed to be separate as I could no longer stand seeing things on there. Did not care what she did but did not need to see it she need her privacy. That lead to very disappointed that you would talk to him again. Her response. “honey I swear we are just friends, I did not even think it was wrong because there is nothing there, I would never see him” that lead to a big conversation about trust. And that I could trust her she could trust me. We are working on things. I told her if she wanted to be with someone else at least get a D first. She said she did not want that or any other man. Overall good conversation, some filrthign back and forth commented about her thong witch she rarely wears yda yda yda


Time for me to drive home, 6 hours later call to say I am home safe no answer. Call her parents hose to see if she is there. “shes been out all day when we called to see when she would be home she said that she was out with a friend and would be home late, but would not tell us who” (she started wearing thongs for him over a year ago) they were very concerned and made me cry. Then her mom pried a few things out of me they did not know.

I called her when she answered I told her of her parents behavior and asked where she was she said a friends house (female) possibly yes, likely no. gets angry for not rusting her. “Trust me or not I don’t Fing care”

Call parents back and convince and beg them to stay out of it. I have suffered with this and have plans and they can’t ruin it because they are mad. They agree. She calls back very mean and nasty about not trusting her, then says she is done talking for the night. I ask if she is heading home or still out, she hangs up.

So my mind: 60% W is with OM as I type, 40% we had the most genuine conversation we have had today and I let weird circumstances f that up. If latter oops, if first one F it shes the fool. Either way I need to find a way to step back. I also need to redecide what I am fighting for. In my mind it being the same OM makes me a fool for taking her back a year and a half ago. Like it would be any better with a different OW.

I am way confused. SHE WILL NOT RUN ME INTO A D!!! she will have to do it her self, but other then struborness tonight I am not sure why I am still in this, and not in some OW bed, and unlike her I would not have o settle for a loser.

[Continuing]

Hey man,
Infuriating, isn't? Sometimes I just want to throw a chair out a window or stand on the street corner and scream. I few weeks ago I was watching "Walk the Line" and there is a scene in it where Joaquin Phenoix as Jonny Cash gets really pissed after a botched performance with Reese Witherspoon, walks back to his dressing room and proceeds to rip a sink of the wall and smash a mirror. I thought to myself. 'ya, thats about right.'

I actually enjoy the little brief periods of time when I am enveloped in anger...or rage to be honest. Its seems to be, at least for me, a more satisfing feeling than pain or sorrow. I think it is healthy to get in touch with our anger (its there whether we admit it or not; i think many of us LBS's fear this anger), not to act out on it, but to use it. Anger can strengthen us, it can temper us like steel when we are buffeted by the storms these WAW's hurl at us. And, ultimately, will we need to work through this anger; the first step is to recognize it.

In conclusion: I'm pissed, too!! (...sometimes...when I'm brave enough to let myself be....)

i need to embrace the for myself part. i still do things to win her back and feel like a failure when it does not happen. I need to release this stuff, and let her chase me.

And then this; this is it. I mean IT, IMO. This is my struggle right now. This is where the pains of growing are coming from. I think we must, must, must become new; and not so we can get our W's back or save the relationship.

I've said this a few times but a quote the rocked my world recently was "Fear is the natural reaction to moving closer to the truth". And this "truth" which fear points to is something about ourselves, something that is deep and core to who we are and it is being brought to light and challenged by our situations. So I asked myself "Why am I really afraid of losing my wife?" And my, where the answers have taken me...

Maybe, just maybe, the truth will set us free. Perhap this truth can take us to a place where relationships aren't a necessity but an enrichment; where we do not NEED but seek to be in relationship with others out of a wish for true intimacy.

I think this is the bridge that will get you to where you said you want to be in the above quote

But...

I think you are right on when you say you need to embrace the 'for myself thing'. But to me that quote reads like a contradiction (its totally possible that I am misreading it or am missing the meaning you are trying to convey).
You first say that you need to stop doing things in order to get a response out of her because when it doesn't work out the way you hoped/planned you feel bummed (perhaps an understatement...). Then you say you need to release this way of being...so she can chase you. To me that sounds like another calculated attempt to evoke a reaction out of her, which means you are still the a state of being and acting that you just said you wanted to let go of, which is NOT truely releasing this old way of being...or her.

Just an observation, may be true, may not be...just thought i'd point it out and see what you think.

Ok...sorry for the long post but your last few posts resonated with me; you are struggling through things that I am too.

There so much more in you last post that I can connect with and empathize with but this is enought for now.

This is Continuing, requesting a flyby...

[TwinDad]

JWS,

Some good venting there.......

Some observations -

Your W was likely ugly and mean to you on the trip over because she was nervous. She didn't know how things were going to pan out, She knew some people knew and some didn't about your sitch but what does she really know about what happens behind the scenes when she isn't looking. She had fears. You DB'ed well

She loosened up and had fun with you afterwards because the party went much better than her fears expected. She was happy.

I think you know it, but the handling of the phone "issues" was pretty bad. If you truly felt the need to have a separate plan then just use the excuse you were initially talk about....you wanted to get an I-phone and leave it at that. Bringing up the OM does not make you look good in the least.

Now what did come out of that, that was good, was her telling you that you needed to trust her. Let me ask you this.....why should she care if you trust her if she is set on D?

When you got back to your place you should have just left a message with her parents saying you got in alright and left it at that. The rest of it just got you in trouble and was a backslide.

The good is that you no longer have a phone to worry about "checking up" on. I thought the two of you had been making some good progress in the last month. This was a backslide, but one that can be recovered from.

Some advice would be to put that OM out of your mind all together......chances are if you don't pay him any attention he will not have an impact on your M. If you want your W back. There is little you can do about it except trust her. Anything else will just push her in that direction. Search yourself and determine why you are doing this, don't let pride, stuborness, or fear get in your way of finding this out.

Best Wishes