Reason to Believe on the Lake Erie Shore

[TwinDad]

Neil,

Your W just handed you a page from the WAW handbook and pretty much mirrored what Sandi said earlier. She feels pressured. She doesn't want to feel responsible for your feelings. She doesn't want you to focus on her at all....focus on the kids. She wants to know you have detached so that she can think clearly. That is what you need to do....plain and simple.....be the best Dad you can be and GAL.

I would guess she sent the video becuase she knows this is difficult on you and her for that matter and she is making an effort to include you in the kids day to day things.....enjoy these.

[Neilh23]

The thing is, i've told her that she's not responsible for my feelings...i just have to stop acting on them towards her.
so did i backslide or is she just setting up another boundary?

i realized last week that i was putting pressure on her....and pulled back from the compliments...LOL. guess i have a lot further to go than i thought....

damn.

[The Wifey]

(((Neil)))

She is saying that you are making it obvious that you are trying, but too obvious. Remember not having expectations? Its ok Neil, I know it stings.

Keep being the sweet, wonderful Neil without bringing her coffee. Focus on the girls. Give her space to breath.

The DR book says that when we push too much that we become all they can focus on. By backing off a little more she can start to think and feel her emotions, and start to realize what she will lose.

You need to know that we love you here. We are with you. And you can put your energy into the girls and into GAL and into helping all of us in return. Its a longer road than either one of us want it to be, Neil. I know, but we aren't done yet. YOU AND I ARE NOT DONE YET!

Take comfort that you have the girls and an opportunity to show her over and over how you are changing. She notices the changes, now it will just take time for her to know that the changes are permanent.

[Neilh23]

ok, so do the girls stop making pictures for her?
do i stop sending pcitures and videos of hte girls to her? I only do it because i know she misses them

i'm so confused right now.

[TwinDad]

The thing is, i've told her that she's not responsible for my feelings...i just have to stop acting on them towards her.
so did i backslide or is she just setting up another boundary?

Neil, You know better than this.....telling her anything isn't going to work......it is actions my friend. Show her she isn't responsible for your feelings. Show her the strong self confident Neil........oh by the way.....she will test this too, to make sure you are this person when she sees it.

It is good that you can start to sense when you are being pressuring.

Kjo gave you some good words of wisdom!

[TwinDad]

ok, so do the girls stop making pictures for her?
do i stop sending pcitures and videos of hte girls to her? I only do it because i know she misses them

i'm so confused right now.

Neil,

Let your W set the pace. Reciprocate at the level and frequency with things from the kids that she is. This morning she sent you a video of the girls. Maybe a couple days from now or this weekend do something similar.....let her drive....anything else is pressuring

[Neilh23]

so her asking whether someone hits on me? what the f is that about?

and i didn't tell her that today...it was awhile ago. i know i let it affect me earlier.......and she noticed. WTF

its amazing. i can't follow my own advice.....PMA.....detach....

i'm sucking right now at this DB stuff....

[TwinDad]

<<<<<<<<<Neil>>>>>>>>

Dude,

You are not sucking at this you just pushed it a little too far that's all. You pushed too far....your W let you know and she set up a new boundary.

Actually I think it was very nice of her to tell you about the boundary. That was love talking, she could have just got ugly with you.

and i didn't tell her that today...it was awhile ago. i know i let it affect me earlier.......and she noticed. WTF

I know it was said earlier......regardless of when it was "said"...it is the actions that matter

its amazing. i can't follow my own advice.....PMA.....detach....

It is much easier to give advice and to look at another persons sitch then to look at your own and implement the advice from others. When you can look at your sitch from a third person perspective then that is a goo dsign that you have detached.

Ex, I tell people all the time to GAL.....I actually think I am probably the worst person at actually getting a life. This is probably one of my biggest flaws. The exception is GAL with my kids.....that I think I excell at.

Focus on your time with your children. You had a good get together this past weekend. Find a new focus in them. I know you are a great Dad

[Neilh23]

i guess this is the time to "Man Up." I still feel like chit because i feel like she's rejected me all over again.... i know i can't do that and allow that to happen.......but right now i do.

its weird.....i've read over some ppls threads (twindad, diehard, etc) and they talked about being their W's best friend. I feel like my W doesn't want me to be her best friend... where's the line? I think i'm going down a cheeseless tunnel here......

just feeling sorta lost.......and a little hopeless...

grrrrr....hate this...really do.

[TwinDad]

Neil,

Hang in there buddy. Look at the positive. Read your recent threads....you are "aware" of what is going on. That is progress. So many people just "flail" around on these boards and don't understand why things are not working. You can recognize the cheeseless tunnels. You recognize that your sitch is different from mine even if we are similar. You are still your W's best friend it is just she wants you to show it in a way that might not be what you "want" to.

It is doing things from the heart even if it is causing you pain
It is about giving them what they need, not what you think they need

Basically it is real giving. It may mean it might take longer to reach your goal, but you need to give her what she needs. She has been good enough to tell you