The thing is, i've told her that she's not responsible for my feelings...i just have to stop acting on them towards her. so did i backslide or is she just setting up another boundary?
You've TOLD her that, but then your ACTIONS say otherwise.
With Sandi, (and WDID and some of the others) we are all blessed to have a peek into the walkaway heart. We would be wise to listen, and heed.
The thing is, i've told her that she's not responsible for my feelings...i just have to stop acting on them towards her. so did i backslide or is she just setting up another boundary?
Neil, You know better than this.....telling her anything isn't going to work......it is actions my friend. Show her she isn't responsible for your feelings. Show her the strong self confident Neil........oh by the way.....she will test this too, to make sure you are this person when she sees it.
It is good that you can start to sense when you are being pressuring.
Kjo gave you some good words of wisdom!
Looks like I posted before I read this. So let me just add an "Amen", and you can all go back about your business.
You are ok. She let you know nicely. Go from there. Do not beat yourself up over this. I would definitely let the girls keep making her pictures, sending videos of the kids.
Then try thinking differently. Not I am doing this so she does or thinks this. How about I want to do this because I will feel happy, enjoy time with the girls, be more confident, have fun, etc. Only share with her your smile and serenity and how much you are enjoying life.
She knows how you feel. She acknowledged that she does. I think it was very important that she did. Now show her without telling her that you can give the way she needs you to give to her.
Right now that means backing off a little. But its like a lot of life, like a little dance. She notices you, but she isn't believing it yet. You have to make the changes a part of who you are and she will believe.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
alright...went on a walk with the kids to clear my head a bit. ran thru a gamut of emotions..... but i came up wit hthis.... the reason she's telling me to back off is because my actions are not what they normally were (she said as much to me this morning) and she's confused and her emotions are all f'd up. she wants some space and time to figure them out some more. Almost like she was doubting her original decision, and now she wants to see if she feels the same way? or am i way off here?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
..... but i came up wit hthis.... the reason she's telling me to back off is because my actions are not what they normally were (she said as much to me this morning) and she's confused and her emotions are all f'd up. she wants some space and time to figure them out some more.
I would have ended it there (where I edited out the last part) but yeah, I think you got the gist of it.
She actually sounds less "fogged out" than most waywards do, to me, and perhaps it's that clarity that you find the most upsetting. It's like she's saying "Look, I know what you're thinking, and I know what you're doing, but it's not working -- knock it off." I can understand how that would hurt.
But you do have to "knock it off" nonetheless, and let her lie in this bed that she's made for awhile.
She actually sounds less "fogged out" than most waywards do, to me, and perhaps it's that clarity that you find the most upsetting. It's like she's saying "Look, I know what you're thinking, and I know what you're doing, but it's not working -- knock it off." I can understand how that would hurt.
But you do have to "knock it off" nonetheless, and let her lie in this bed that she's made for awhile.
yep. that's what it is. she is acting with a lot of clarity..and that scares me and stings alot. i know she's confused by my actions... because they are making her uncomfortable. not my intention. but they are. ugh.
i just feel like i can't get this stuff right..... and i feel really lost....and that she won't ever dance closer again...
i know. detach. this just sucks because i felt i was doing well with detaching and improving my sitch...
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
I understand. As men, we are problem-solvers and "fixers," and when we are told we have to "detach," we equate that with "doing nothing" and we lament the loss of CONTROL over the situation.
In other words, we feel "Man, if I could just SAY THE RIGHT THINGS, DO the right things, in the right combination . . . I can 'fix' her and this situation."
ERRRRR!! Wrong. It doesn't work that way.
Give her to God, and give her over to her own decision-making. You cannot make this choice for her, brother. She gets to decide (but then she also gets to be accountable for her choices).
Passivity sucks, I know. Limbo . . . sucks. But it is what it is. All you can do is pour your "fixer" instincts into NEIL.
She's spinning, Neil. The whole thing with the vet is a good sign that she still cares enough to possibly be jealous. Come on...you know why your W knee-jerked. You either got hit on, or she thought you did. So she responded the way she did and you KNOW why
Neil, just checking on you.
The hardest thing to do is to give our S the space to miss us. She won't, until you do.
I know that it's harder when you have children. I would try to be available for the kids, and not so much for her.
I know that it goes against everything that is instinct to you right now. Maybe you could try it as a type of 180?
Step back so she can follow.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
