Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[One Day]

Hi Ali,

Just because someone doesn't respond to your e-mails or calls doesn't mean it's over. It could mean he's thinking, is hungover, is depressed, is ashamed or any one of a number of things. You know that. You're ASS-U-MEing it means it's over, but you don't KNOW that. If you're DBing, you know that ASS-U-MEing is against the rules. So stop doing it.

If you're carrying on for another year, do it. Stp putting yourself through this rollercoaster every couple of days where you're happy if he's in touch and miserable if he's not. At the moment your happiness is dependent on his actions. It shouldn't be, and he won't make any moves back to you until it isn't.

Your options: so far, you've responded to what he's done. he contacts you, you contact him back. Other things you can try:

1. more contact (without expectation of a response, or asking for a response)
2. less contact- back off and go dim or dark. Consistently don't return his calls
3. setting boundaries- rules for the communication
4. a 180- act AS IF you couldn't give a toss about what he's doing or not doing
5. Call a DB Coach and ask their opinion
6. Treat him as if he's still your BF- jump on him and give him a big French kiss, flirt openly without worrying about how he thinks you look
7. be mysterious- speak to him as you do but drop hints about other exciting things you're doing that are nothing to do with him

I could probably think of others, ubt I'm sure the others will have more to add!

My DB Coach told me that as long I felt hurt or angry by H's actions (or lack thereof), I was still not yet in stage 2. She told me to focus on letting go of hurt/anger, and I think she'd tell you to do the same....

Good job on not calling him. It's not been working, so don't do it.

[AliSuddenly]

Thankyou for the validation on not calling him! I am sat here second guessing myself, but its 8.30 now, so its kind of as late as I would/could or he would have. So yep, ignored me for another day. He probably has no idea how much this has upset me. I have been in bits since 6am today.

Thanks for your list! I would like the call the DB coach, but it seems so expensive and it may already be too late judging by whats happened since last weekend (1 August eclipse, was the last time he phoned me). If anyone remembers my eclipse ramblings, I kept saying I will find out then, and we are between eclipses.

I cant believe how angry I feel. People were amazed after the bomb for months that I wasnt angry at him, but I felt nothing but compassion and forgiveness. Today, I feel so angry, how could he do this to me a 2nd time? I think its becuase he has been confiding in me so much and asking me over and over to meet up, usually fairly last minute and then this is how he treats me? I know thats wrong though, you should be selfless, you dont just give to receive, so I cant expect him to give back in equal measure. It was my choice to be there for him, he didnt ask me to. Interesting you say that means we are not in stage 2?

I can ASSUME that he will email me about the lease (although he is very forgetful), so I will continue to wait. I emailed him Friday and he didnt reply, so I guess the ball is in his court?

[naej]

Hi Ali, I,m glad you are feeling a little angry. My C told me that is healthy and would start the healing process and help with gal.
Too much is a bad thing but we are human and feelings need to come out. They (feelings) also go in stages and helps on the journey to wholeness.
Stay strong. Doing anything nice just for you this week?

[AliSuddenly]

I just remembered - our phone convo Tuesday was awkward and I said alot of things I dont normally..I was a bit clingy and pointing out I hadnt heard from him. When he told me he was going to this beach festival this weekend, I didnt say "Great!" as a friend would... I said, "Oh, I would have liked to have gone to that" in a sad voice and he shot back "I dont think there are any tickets left".

So he KNOWS I wanted to see him and would have loved to have met up with him. He normally (since February) sees me on the weekend when he's here, apart from ONE, in May and the one his Mum was here. So this is the first weekend since this whole thing started in Feb that he has avoided me.

Essentially, I dont believe in myself enough. I need to turn this around. I feel like the loser, or a loser, because he left me. But as my Mum said, I am a good person and he is being very selfish and maybe he always did do what was best for him. He will be the loser in the long run. Its hard to believe as what he did has shattered my confidence and I imagine him with some amazing new woman anytime now. But then I know he has alot of issues to conquer, so she will be getting all that sometime down the line, like I did.


Hey Naej! Thats a good way to look at it.. getting angry starts the healing process. Thank you for that.

[Abbey]

Essentially, I dont believe in myself enough.

But Ali, that's part of our processes, isn't it. Only you can decided when it's enough or you want to go on. But Lisa mentioned something to me that is very helpful... going through the stages... you at some point have to set boundaries for yourself.

Where and what they are, only you can answer. I like that you didn't contact him too. Frankly ... yes... the balls in his court. And yes,... you're going to teeter from screw him to... I miss him. All stuff that we go through.

Depression is something at some point, he has to OWN. You have to begin to then own your limits to what you'll put up with, and what you won't. Of course you want to be there, but not as a door mat.

What do you think you'll say when he contacts you? Have you considered how you'll act? Cool and reserved might be a mode to think about.

*Hugs*
Abbey

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Abbey! So, I didnt contact him. I made it through another day. I'm so angry still (mild really, hey, I'm a piscean, we dont do anger! Just tears), that I dont even want to phone him.

I just have been reading back on some posts from 30th May, when he insisted I got into bed and then started an R talk.. 2nd May when he invited himself over to fix my bike..some others from around that time. Wow, I forgot some of those things he said, about not knowing himself and how he bottles things up and is full of anxiety. I guess that stuff hasnt gone away.

What will I say? Good point, I dont know! I assume he may email me. I guess my plan is to not contact him, which will be hard... we could go all week with no contact, which would be horrible. I was hoping to see him Wednesday, as he is in town for football. I'm not sure I can manage cool and reserved though! I cant believe I find myself in a place where I dont even know IF he will contact me, neverlone when.

I'm SO sorry to everyone else for not posting much to you, I just cant find the words.

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

Of course you are angry - you are the only one doing the work to save your relationship. The advice on DBing is excellent and if you follow along, you'll see results. Remember that if something you are trying isn't working, then it is time to try something different.

You said:

I wonder when this hell is going to end? I feel as though I cant take much more.

I feel the same way. I wish I had a time table to tell me when this would wrap up, but of course I don't. I guess we'll all know when we've had enough. Our friends here have given us examples of when enough is enough and it becomes time to let it all go and move on. You'll know when you can't take any more. We all will.

For now, hang in there and work on detaching your feelings from his actions.

RTL

[MichelleLT]

(((Ali)))

Sorry I wasn't around this weekend.

BUT ((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

[AliSuddenly]

Still feeling really churned up. Lunchtime and no email from him. Incredible, he has totally stopped contacting me. Maybe he has met someone. I last heard from him Wednesday when he said he was going for a drink with this guy James from his office, who he has been meeting up with more and more and raves about.. A girl in my office lives in the trendy village where he went out, she told me today this James drinks in her local and she knows him and says he is a great guy and he ended it with his gf of 10 years, 8 months ago!

Huh. No wonder they are mates, bet they have loads in common. I hate the thought of my ex (34) going out for drinks with another guy (33) who both dumped their longterm GFs. Made me feel sick. Lucky them hey for being in the driving seat? This girl in my office was dumped by her partner of 10 years too last October, becuase he was withdrawn and had depression for the past 2 years!!! Wierd, so much of it about.

Why do I so want my ex back? Why cant I be like her, or this James, or my ex and just move on to the next phase of my life and not cry every day? I hate feeling so disempowered and heartbroken. I hate what he's done to me, to dump me after so many years with no warning or discussion, before, during or since. I have this enormous need to "have it out with him", I cant Db anymore. Its got me nowhere and I am normally a heart-on-my-sleeve person, so its ridiculous that I have kept my feelings in for so long. Its becuase he has had ultimate power, calling the shots and he hasnt allowed me to express any emotions as he is too scared to express his own.

I'm still not going to contact him though I guess.

[Abbey]

*hugs*
Ali,... just remember that this process they go through has them all over the map. I'm a piscean too. I know what you feel about your heart on your sleeve. Just... fight the feelings to go off on him, it's a back slide and undoes stuff you have done so far.

You mention power... frankly, thats why detaching is part of this parcel. Because they have too much power over us, our emotions, putting our lives on hold etc.

Wait this out.

*hugs*
Abbey