Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[RefuseToLose]

Ali dear,

Please don't get down on yourself. Remember, all you can do is meet him 1/2 way. If you go farther than that to "get him back" you are doing his work for him and he'll leave again.

You haven't failed in the least. You should be proud for fighting for your relationship. You are doing everything in YOUR power you can and the rest is completely up to him.

You would have failed only if you never attempted to try.

I know how hard it is to give yourself credit for your hard work when things look so bleak. I'm sorry you are down, but you can try and control your outlook about your upcoming week.

Choose to make it a great week regardless of what happens. That is something you can control.

Take care and be strong. If you are going through Hell, keep going.

RTL

[mishka422]

((((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))

Regrets are pointless. Don't have them. You have done everything you could to salvage your R. Now it's time to let your BF figure himself out.

Just keep being the best you can be and find your happy Ali! BF either will or won't respond to that. He either will or won't decide to come back - his choice and you have no control over that.

What GAL activities have you done in the last week? Have you done anything outside of work with the people you have met there? If not, plan something for this week.

You know we all have nothing but love for you Ali. Keep fighting the good fight if you have it in you but let go of what BF is or is not doing. Let him go and he just might come running back!

[Abbey]

*hugs*... Ali... this is a long shot... have you gone COMPLETELY dark on him?

I mean considering his depression, it's something you're going to have to decide if you can do... but he's relied on you. You cut him off now or push back hard ... he'll feel the loss. Folks who get cut off their "drug" ... whether it's a real drug or attention, will usually try to seek it back... eventually.

I'm in a toss up as to what my opinion is about what's next for you. (Understandably, you living it makes it 1000 times harder to make the decisions no matter which way you go)...

I know with mine I had to go back at him hard. You might have to do the same. It'll kill you... and initially you'll feel like, that's it!!! F! it, it's over. (which if from reading here is any indication... this decision will usually go round in circles of yes and no in your head after the adrenaline rush of standing up for yourself wears off).... the real test for your feelings will be after you've pushed back hard. Some slam the door forever ... some even the scales, some get new resolve to try things different... some fall back into the patterns of old too.

FWIW, I do think that I was aiming for "both"... as a future thing, but also a NOW thing... it's not RIGHT for him to have left you hanging like this. This might be your version of my "resto" incident. It was a turning point for me,... might just be where you need to even the scales. (That's my take on it.) I think you may need to more "soft sell" your need for respect because of his depression... I'm not 100% sure of my own thoughts on that to be honest though.

Is it possible for you to *have* one of those stern but not condemning type of talks where you simply say: Hey... you know what... I'm not asking anything unreasonable by expecting you to be reciprocal in contact etc. If he's remorseful when it comes out... then soft sell it. If he gets all indignant, then you know you need to go dark in some version of distanced to dark grey to outright dark?? The trick will be how to put this to him without shooting yourself in the foot. If you're not sure... do nothing for the interim. That's usually my best line of defense these days. New options usually open up after a bit of time.

I don't know if anything I"m saying is helpful... just more I just want you to know I understand where you feel you're at... it's that damn cliff where you don't know if you jump ... what will happen. No easy answers at the moment.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Abbey]

Just thinking about something... and although this isn’t a cure all,... what this last month or so has shown me... is that there’s something calming in what I’ve found by accepting that I don’t know how my sitch will all turn out. My hope went from ... and I hate to use the word desperation cuz it’s not totally accurate for how we here, but... my hope went from somewhere on that part of the spectrum to knowing what I want... and it’s *THAT*,... to which my spouse and I both must measure up to come back as a couple. I try to not use “if” references anymore regarding reconciling. I just try say he needs to deal with his path. I’m trying to drop the self doubt,...(it’s a struggle)... and instead just keep my eyes on the bullseye of what I want at the end of the tunnel. If I expect to lose,... then I may as well give up now... that much I know. I just had to accept that sometimes ya still lose even when you do all the right things. There’s something... freeing in that. Not happy... just freeing in a stupidly struggle free kind of way. *grin*

What my frame of mind isn’t... is a total cure for the longing, sadness, wishing, missing etc etc etc. All still there... sometimes painfully so, angrily so even at times... but the even out moments are more frequent and it allows me to not spin so far down the sink hole quite as often. I still cry, I still am thinking about the good times we had together, I’m still missing him like crazy and these memories of happy times between us popping out of the blue are sometimes killer moments for me.... BUT... Pushing back allowed me to take back some of my own self respect, my ability to try to climb out of that hole that I find myself in when I miss him like made... and got me back to a place where the scales feel a little more even and can survive without him... even when I really would rather be with him.

I’m sure that when someone looks at this from the outside,... they probably still think I’m being far too “easy” or nice to the H... but how this has to play out for he and I, is based on relationship history and what I think some of his complaints about the marriage are.

I’ve also given myself a break from all the marriage relationship books for a while. I’d read myself to death looking for that holy grail answer. (and I do have a whole book section that I still have to read)... BUT to be honest,... I’m exhausted by it all. I've done ENOUGH hard work for now. I've done ENOUGH relentlessly convicted DBing et al, for a while. I've got to take a bit of a side car seat for a bit and recharge my engines. *smile* Instead I’m taking tidbits of things I hear, here and there... in this forum... even my new comments about titt for tatt... I got from the tv show Numbers. This is stuff I knew from my previous career,... but had to have it presented to me when I was just watching a tv show for the pleasure of it. Suddenly the light bulb in my head went off in a way that I could use the technique and not be so emotionally invested in it. This btw, was a rerun of the show... yet the first time I saw it months ago, I have no recollection of the scene in which this t for t thing came from. Go figure.

Maybe Ali... what you just might need for yourself... is simply to take some of the pressure off yourself and recharge your engines... Those answers on how have to come as a “you specific” equation with answers coming in bits and pieces of everyone elses’ experiences and stuff even as silly as maybe a tv show plot perhaps.

Hope this helps.
*hugs*
Abbey

[transformer]

Dearest Ali,

I want to thank you so much for all your thoughtful observations in my situation... thank you so much for your posts.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. The vibe I get from your posts is NOT that BF is done, just that he is struggling, struggling with getting himself around through his daily life, struggling with the job thing. If he retreats from you I really don't think it's because he doesn't care about you and want to spend time with you, it's because you can see the stuff that's going on in him that even he doesn't want to deal with.

Hold onto yourself, sweet A... I am pulling for you.

I read that you are thinking about a DB coach session, that sounds so exciting!!! I also really re-recommend "passionate marriage", I think it could give you some new tools for dealing with your situation...

((((ALI))))))
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE
T

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Where, nice to hear from you! No, he was happy to sign the lease, he said "Brilliant!" when I told him about it. He doesnt want to live there as its an hour from his job and he hates the motorway commute.

I did try and say something in March and I cried and he reacted badly with an "Oh Al! I've got depression I cant handle anything..." and I think I cried again when I was ill in April and he ran off without me speaking, I cried one other time (May?) when he said goodbye at the door.. he took my hand and squeezed it, but still ran off and then outside his brothers (June?) I asked him to come in and he said No and I cried then and he hugged me tight but seemed shocked that I was upset, then said he just wanted to be on his own and left. So, yep. Wouldnt have got me anywhere, you are right ! Thanks for being here for me.

Rob - Thanks for being here, there is not much to smile about in your own sitch, so I appreciate your kindness here. I wonder when this hell is going to end? I feel as though I cant take much more.

Mishka - Thank you again for your kind words. I just dont believe that if you let them go, they will come back. I let one go when I was 22 who I had been madly in love with. He went on to marry someone else. SOmetimes things DONT come back, especially as we are under the cosh of these eclipses and it all feels so...horrible, impossible, theres nothing to work with. I have tried and tried and maybe I shouldnt have tried, maybe I should have just been myself, or spoke up, been REAL, or honest? Where has it got me, DBing? I am still miserable and lonely. I have tried to Gal all year, but I am just so broken hearted, its not possible. That IS putting too much pressure on myself - to go out and make new friends and enjoy things when I feel like I have suffered a terrible shock and a huge loss, like a death.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Abbey...interesting thoughts as usual...no never gone dark. I havent contacted him since Friday night, which on a weekend, for me and us, well its not happened before since this all began. I am not sure I am his "drug" but I suppose there is an element of him leaning on me..it felt like that in June. He was phoning me alot to talk about himself. The convo we had Tuesday was all
about him, although I do deflect questions, so hard to tell.

I think its terrible that he hasnt responded to me since Wednesday, its clearly very pointed. Maybe he has met someone else this week, or yes, maybe he feels very low...but to not even send me a text? I phoned him Friday night sounding concerned and said call me, or just text me to let me know you are ok, and he hasnt bothered. I am astounded at his cruelty. He has talked to me for 5 months about his depression and I have worried about him and he obviously has no idea how stressful that has been for me, else he would have contacted me.

I'm rereading your words and have so far not contacted him again, but its soooo hard not to pick up the phone to him. It makes me realise how badly I cant live without him, and yet I am going to have to. Looks like he has made the decision to let go of me, like he hadnt quite been able to the past 6 months.

I guess I was hoping he would come back and then we could just get on with the business of being a couple, but yes, we have both changed, but not in ways that make an R no longer viable. I could see only positives.. he has lost his people pleasing thing and I have lost my need to control myself and we could have met in the middle.

I honestly dont know what the answer is. Its like I can barely function lately, I drag myself through the day.. I make myself shop, eat, work (barely), see people (barely again). Maybe I will bite the bullet and go to the doctor. I am eligible for more free C, which starts this week.. but even that fills me with dread, what can she say that will mend my broken heart?

[One Day]

Hi Al,

I've been reading and wondering what to say.....

I have tried and tried and maybe I shouldnt have tried, maybe I should have just been myself, or spoke up, been REAL, or honest? Where has it got me, DBing? I am still miserable and lonely. I have tried to Gal all year, but I am just so broken hearted, its not possible. That IS putting too much pressure on myself - to go out and make new friends and enjoy things when I feel like I have suffered a terrible shock and a huge loss, like a death.

Do you really think you should have tried?

Do you want to speak up and be honest? You know your situation best.

If you honestly feel it's over and there's nothing else you can do, you can walk away- you don't need to keep doing anything you don't want to do.

Only you know what action to take; only you have been speaking to BF and getting insight into his state of mind.

If you decide to continue to fight, decide to do it. Make a decision to do it, review your options and choose an action. You need to stop letting your actions be dictated by his. You need to decide on your strategy and then try it. If your actions yield positive results, carry on with them. If they don't, change them.

It's not over until YOU decide it is.

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

T - Thank you also for your kind words! I thikn you are right, he IS struggling, this work decision and the prospect of being forced to move back near home has probably really done his head in. BUT... he also doesnt want to see me. So I cant keep excusing this, he is capable of making choices for himself. He chose to spend the last 3 weekends drinking and socialising with friends. He has a full and active life. I am nowhere on his radar these past 3 weeks. I have to face facts...and this is what is hurting so much.. I weep every day because I miss the man I was in love with. And where is he? Nowhere.

It cant JUST be because he feels low and depressed and is struggling, its also that he doesnt have those feelings for me, he has lost his attachment to me?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Lisa! I'm not sure I understand? If someone doesnt reply to your email, or phone message, or contacts you at all.. its over? I cant decide it, he's decided it !? He's never met me halfway. I can do no more?

I said all along that as long as he hadnt met anyone, I would stick with it. My Mum asked me today how much longer I would wait and I said, another year. So on that basis, unless he tells me he has met someone, I could keep going. But, I feel so hurt and angry that he has ignored me this weekend. Its the first time he has ignored a message since he got back in touch in February (he did it alot Bomb - Christmas). So its bringing up that rejection stuff as he was so good at initiaiting contact this year, phoning me most nights at one point, I did get spoilt, didnt I?

I can only assume he has been drinking Friday night - last night and so is very tired and hungover today. Thats still no reason to ignore me. I guess I got the wrong end of the stick this past 6 months.. he wasnt coming back to me, he was just in limbo himself, not able to let go.

I'm at a loss Lisa, what are my options? What options do I have? You got any ideas!? I havent called him today/tonight, but its been SO hard not to.