Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[Abbey]

My sister said, I know you've been understanding as he has depression, but he seems capable of seeing people all the time, more than you, whereas if he were depressed I thought he would prefer to see you as that would be easier, less draining, as he knows you so well and doesnt have to pretend around you. ???

But Ali, it doesn't work that way. Logically, she's right, BUT... there is nothing logical about depression - until it evens out. You can't do that for him... that's his road, his path.

I've tried for 3 months to get my ass off the couch on Thursday night to go do a Karaoke night, that I think would be fun. I managed to do one Saturday early on, but this is new place, where I wouldn't know anyone etc etc etc. I get all geared up and then I don't want to go when the time comes. I've talked to friends that on one day I want to see... and have a great time... and then other times I just don't want to see those same friends. I feel (even though EVERY LAST ONE of this inner circle)... understand and support my DBing,... sometimes it's overwhelming. Even being happy, doing or trying to do happy things gets exhausting. Other times, that wishywashyness is directed at my H. I went dark.... managed to keep him at bay for almost a month... then he started calling me... we went out Sunday. It was really nice. But the next day I feel down. Wished I hadn't broke dark etc. Then I miss him, then I don't want to see him, then I want to call him, then I want him to just not contact me, then I want him to f'g grow his brain back.

Why am I telling you all this?... think of it this way. I came to the conclusion that my H isn't ready to reconcile. But ya know what... neither am I yet. And neither are you two.... yet.

I mean yes, you and I would jump into this on a good day and reconcile on a heart beat, but there's still too much STUFF to deal with in our sitchs. Lisa is extremely correct, the detaching is a MUST. It's enough of a roller coaster ride, enough of a tax on our emotions, enough of a crazy making process without the self preservation we need of some detachment. Somehow we all have to de-invest in the outcome. (not become utterly ambivalent... but instead calm down and be steady. Sounds strange and impossible... but when the outcome becomes too much of our focus - such as it is with you at the moment, the focus to moving forward, the "end goal" loses focus, and you get stuck in the mud of the hurdles you're facing today.

Lisa said in her post about her session:
- There is hope in my situation, but I need to settle in for the long haul. H and I are currently friendly, but not in friendship

That applies to you and I too. I think we probably owe Lisa money ... her session was "you and I sitch specific" too.

Steady... easy does it... this is a long distance endurance challenge. Pacing yourself is about you... protecting you... keeping you from being "unready" when the spouse finally comes around.

*hugs*
Abbey

[One Day]

Hi Al,

I think if you back off for a bit you'll give him time and space to think about things. From what I can see, he's got this job thing facing him and he doesn't want to go. Having decided he doesn't want to go away (from you- since you're the main thing he's got down there), he's got to be asking himself why not. After all, in WAS world, they left us thinking we were the source of their misery. Your BF has made a decision (staying down there) that would make him question that action. Now he needs time to think about it and come to terms with what that means in his own mind.

I genuinely don't think he'd let you sleep on top of him all night if he didn't still have feelings for you.

It's only the end of the road when YOU decide it is. Be still for now. Watch and wait for the lease signing day. You've been at this for so long, a few days longer won't hurt.

[mishka422]

(((((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))))

Abbey and Lisa have given you such great advice. Detach.......it's NOT easy, it doesn't feel natural, but it certainly doesn't mean you're giving up. You need to stop contacting him in order to preserve your own sanity. It has nothing to do with being aloof and mysterious to him, it serves to bring you to a place of peace. I've learned the hard way. Of course, DON'T take my outcome as an example of great DB'ing!

It seems to me that your BF has so many life altering changes going on right now that he doesn't really know what to do about your lives together so he does nothing. Retreat is not always surrender Ali, it could be re-grouping, rallying the troops for more battle. So.......separate yourself and rally your troops!

You're stronger than you are feeling right now. Only you know how far you are willing to take this fight.

Sorry I don't have much sage advice for you but I just want to be your cheerleader - is that ok? I care so much about you Ali and the pain in your posts is so clear. I wish I were right there for you to give you a big hug and take you out for all sorts of fun adventures. Instead, we'll have to settle for virtual drinks on the board.

What'll ya have?????????

[Abbey]

Ali, I’ll take it one step further. Having to be “up” when you can’t be... makes one feel like a failure. Uhm... I don’t discuss my music with my H... why?... cuz he is my biggest fan... and right now, it’s like trudging through cement to get those musical creative juices flowing. I even said at times, he/this sitch has stolen my music away from me. I feel like a failure musically when he kept asking me:... so you been doing jams ... meeting new musicians? (Clearly I have other priorities... and that isn’t top of the list, ya know?) The failure aspect is further amplified that I felt like a failure musically during the marriage... I feel like I’m not showing him any improvement, ya know?

So.... The parallel... every couple has this approval or disapproval = self esteem/ego thing. Your BF may just feel like he’d be disappointing you – why or for what isn’t really important... it’s making him cave into his bat cave emotionally towards you. My H would ask, and I’d feel like – my no answer would be showing him, that I wasn’t “getting along”... wasn’t ... well I wasn’t putting forth the right face for the DB techniques among other aspects. Your further parallel... your BF still isn’t out of his emotional funk, he knows you know that... sometimes that’s enough to make someone feel like a failure or send them into a downward spiral.

Variety for your BF, is about him getting his footings to poke his head back out of the cave emotionally towards you. You’re doing all the work right now ... STOP IT!  Let him do some of the work... back off... let him get some self esteem and self discipline and contact you. Hard, yes... but absolutely necessary.

As for the 6 months... yeah... I’m there too... Feb. Long haul. I walked out of a resto on my H and told him to FO. Told him I never wanted to see him again etc etc etc. HEEEEEEEEE, after realizing that me distancing myself FROM him wasn’t a joke... he started making the effort. It’s ONE baby step. Not ready to renew our vows in Vegas or anything quite yet.

Ya might even want to try that... instead of focusing on “getting back together”... focus on an event that is more representative, more what’s the word I’m looking for here, more symbolic ... and easier to mould/cultivate as the ride goes up and down. Do I care if we did vows? Nope. Do I care if it was in Vegas? Nope.
You see what I"m getting at here? Think about you and the BF vacationing in Australia or something. Something that you don't care if it really happens per say... but is symbolic of your goal to be back together. You just don't get so disappointed. It's not a cure all... but it can make it easier.

As for your BF’s friend, don’t worry about him. I’m sure lots of our spouses got advice that said move on etc... and they may get all resolved for a couple of days, but then fall back into the relationship “circle”... like we do. All of us too have been told to move on, etc.... why haven’t we? Why do we fall back into our scripts?... cuz we want to keep trying. Same with them... those of us with spouses who have contact... still wanna be here ... Something INSIDE is telling them not to slam the door. No friends advice can compete with that or influence it enough to be worthy of your worry.
*hugs*
Abbey

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Abbey, Lisa, Mishka!

Thanks Mishka, but really I dont know what I have done to deserve such nice words! If I were that great...he'd want me back hey. I know I shouldnt say it, but really...?

Yes Lisa, I remember how lovely it felt to fall asleep in his arms! *Sigh*. I wonder what he feels about this? Does he feel sad he did that, or sad we didnt do it again? I guess he has led me a bit of a merry dance, staying overnight with me 4 times and inviting me along to things with friends as though we were an item.

Hey Abbey...thankyou again for your help, so appreciated. I'm struggling, as always with this detachment thing. I dont see why I'm not ready to take him back, I feel ready. I have changed, I have been to C for 8 months, I have lost my old fears that stopped me doing stuff (so I can thank him for that), I would be willing to work on the R and take it slow. But he doesnt want me! He wont meet me halfway, so then it feels like I should just throw the towel in. I dont think I need to make that decision anyway, he's made it for me..he's not contacted me again, 7th day in a row, the longest since February that he hasnt initiated contact.

I know I have to not contact him and wait for him to contact me about the lease. I thought we were in friendship mode though! We've talked so much over the past 6 months. I'm not so sure about settling in for the long term, as the contact has totally dropped off and that has to be for a reason.

It could be he's met someone. It could be his BMF told him to leave me be. It could be as I got too close and he sensed I was starting to expect things of him, or us to reconcile and he doesnt want to so has backed off on purpose to show me that? It could be his depression? It really made sense when you said:

Having to be "up" when you can't be... makes one feel like a failure.

as I think he is struggling since this work decision. I guess its easier to see mates and get drunk and pretend you're ok, than see me, who can see through him. I guess it would make him feel worse.

I also thought this was interesting that you said:

You're doing all the work right now ... STOP IT! Let him do some of the work... back off... let him get some self esteem and self discipline and contact you.

I agree, I guess I have been doing the work lately, although before, all the contact was initiated by him. Now I am worrying that it went on for too long with me letting him be, that I never confronted anything with him. Maybe I should have when I had the chance, now it feels too late !

I'm sure that this is it for us. It seems too deliberate that he didnt contact me, when he knew my BFF was leaving Friday. I have an answer machine message from the Friday before she came, where he let me know he was going out at 7.30..so was calling me early and asking me to catch him before he went out... And then this Friday, no reply to my email, no calling me to tell me where he is. Last Friday, he did phone (1st August) and I msised the call -I'm stupidly upset about that, I had no signal in Mousehole. I wonder why he called me, seeing as he was out with people. Its the last time he initiated contact and called me, and I missed it.

Feels symbolic somehow, falling on the eclipse like that.

[Abbey]

Do they not say that usually the retreat "even more"... before they break cycle?

Mine was in friend mode too... and then stopped wearing his ring, told me he was seeing her, still lied about the affair etc. First portion friend mode is just broken up with no guns

As for not ready... you're reaching out and trying to "catch". Is this the kind of relationship you want to set as precedent? To constantly be wondering when the levy is going to break again, or he's going to go into one of his funks where you have to do all the work, or put your life on hold here and there while he gets his crap together? Right now, you're not able to break free, flick him off when he needs to be flicked off and just be ho-hum-ish when he peeps his head back out. You can't detach... you're not ready. (Don't feel this is a bad thing either.... it seems to me that lots of us struggle with this whole detach thing every day.) Oh... and btw,... just when you think you've got this detached thing down pat... the little beggers toss you a bigger curve ball. *silly smile*

Relationships are a two way street. The "next step friend" thing is about setting the pace and "rules" for the relationship.... you really want to allow him to be this flakey... depression or not? Or would you rather when he's in a funk that he's upfront with you and has talked to you months and months on end before that point... on how you are going to work WITH him to get through it and NOT shut you out. No riding unicycle in this deal if it goes forward... you deserve better.

He's not ready to reach out and let you to be that best friend totally yet... and what's more, it would seem he's not ready to trust himself with being that vulnerable. You, you need more "you time". Need to be able to say: How do I help... without getting too emotionally hurt by his needs. How would you react right now if you asked him: Hey... which is best for you... "titt for tatt contact?... or do you want to do all the initiating?... how do you feel about me contacting you as much as I have etc." .... and his answer is: I want to do this at my pace you're contacting me too much. ??

Being upset, sleepless nights, needing to go numb with a bottle of wine, ADs, sleeping pills or whatever... is all part of this whole nut case merry-go-round we're on. The point I'm trying to make is that at the point you have those kinds of opened discussions ... you have to be able to give him hell and say...if he likes the two way... then for you to grab him by the collar and say: THEN SHOW ME SOME F'G RESPECT!!! I call you... don't leave me wondering for 7 days if you've flown off to Spain or drowned in the channel! Or be able to say ok... then we need to set rules that are respectful to both of us, ... or whatever.

It's about setting out bits and pieces of YOUR owners manual as the thing goes forward... put both of your stuff on the table for you both to share. Right now you're still catering to his owners manual. Right now... it's about treating you with respect, as he would ANY friend... both of you having to re-learn what's acceptable "between" the two of you in baby steps. Not relationship stuff... prelude to the relationship stuff etc.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Abbey]

Oh... just a quickie added thought... regarding "prelude"... mine was considerate enough to get "two" boxes of junk food at the show the other night. The time before that, he walked away from me and barely treated me like he wanted to be there. PRELUDE stuff... He didn't ask me to move home or anything, but he DID contact me, knowing full well I had said I had wanted NO "outtings". He DID so sheepishly, but he DID it, he made that move. He treated me kindly, nicely and as though he wanted to be with me. To be perfectly honest... I don't expect he'll really go back to that mode for maybe 2 weeks... maybe a month or so before that peeps his head out. Prelude stuff... THIS respectful person is the one I wish to have contact with... the rude one from the time before can eat dirt.

The guy who's left you hanging for however many days... DON'T reward bad behavior. Be business like... let him earn your warmness.

*hugs*
Abbey

[RefuseToLose]

Hey, Ali Dear.

Hang in there. You have to keep moving forward w/ or w/out BF. I agree w/ the others that you can't overlook the little positives, but I understand how difficult it is to see the baby steps.

I too struggle w/ any baby steps as they don't seem to come fast enough or cover nearly enough ground. Hang on and keep fighting. Think of Churchill who said "if you are going through Hell, keep going." We all must go through the pain in order to get over the pain.

That part sucks, but it is so very accurate.

I'm sorry you are blue. I'm there too, but tomorrow is another day, correct? Let's both try to be better tomorrow than we were today, ok? Are you in w/ me?

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Rob, I'm sorry you arent feeling well on top of feeling down! It sucks, all of this. I am up early (6 am) as I feel so anxious and down, I think I'm going to have a tough week.

Hey there Abbey, I thought you were telling me to confront him about being more respectful, but I think you meant to aim for that. Its great that your H took you for food and wanted to meet with you! I guess I have had alot of that from my ex, he has been very respectful. He has done stuff to fix my bike, fetched me drinks and paid for food and driven way out of his way to collect me and thats why I was hoping we'd reunite - becuase we had alot of that prelude stuff as you called it. But its all come to nothing.

We are between the eclipses and then he stops contacting me. Its obvious which way this thing is going - he is letting go of me proper. I dont think its a case of let him fully retreat until he pokes back out...sometimes relationships just end. Despite my best efforts (I'm questioning that now) things never progressed, in all these months he has never once complimented me, flirted with me, expressed any regret or doubt. Its so wierd that we have been in daily contact and yet he has never said why, or how he's feeling.

Its also wierd that I havent said anything or confronted it either. I was too scared to? I was dilligently applying DB techniques? I was heeding all the advice of those who kept telling me, he has depression, dont prod or poke him he wont be able to take it? But is that really true?? Why didnt I ever say anything, especially when we were closer back in May/June? I am really regretting that now.

I got up as I feel sick, anxious. Its the first weeekend since 1 May that he hasnt contacted me in Cornwall on a weekend. When we last spoke (Tuesday) he sounded irritable and cross. I remember saying to him, sadly, it feels like I havent spoken to you for ages....to which he grumpily replied, well yeah I've been away and stuff havent I. I offered to bring the lease over to him to save him driving...but he said, oh no thats ok, we'll sort something out (he doesnt want me anywhere near his flat). I couldnt pin him down on when we'd meet, he said, I'm easy, I'll fit around you, but then told me to hang out with my BFF two days in a row, so I knew I wouldnt see him before the weekend. I said, well I didnt just want to meet up with you to get the lease signed.. but he ignored that and said about it not being urgent as we are only counter signing.

It was a shock that he didnt reply to my email on Friday. The last time he did that was back in March and then he phoned at 5pm to apologise. Even back in February he would email me late on a Friday to say "speak over the weekend" in his wierd shorthand, but this Friday, nothing. That speaks volumes to me.

So its not about him being in his cave, or retreating or seeing baby steps..its just that this wierd limbo of the past 6 months is coming to a culmination. He hasnt contacted me for a week, as opposed to wanting to meet up with me, then its obvious to me he has decided to stop seeing me. Everything I read predicted that this Lunar eclipse next weekend is the end of the road. Its a Full Moon, so will illuminate something hidden, or someones feelings. Unfortunately for me, he's a Leo, so for him its about breaking with the past and leaving a partner. I expect finally, some honest conversation next weekend.

Its horrible, like he's left me twice, or I have failed some kind of test.

[W2G]

you failed nothing Ali. You fought like a trooper for your relationship.

What I'm wondering is... could it be possible that he is avoiding you because he doesn't want to sign the lease? Maybe he'd like to live there once he is forced to move up country for his job? I know I may be way off base... but I too find it odd that he's not jumping at getting this lease thing fully executed.

as for some of the other things you said. yes, you could have had those conversations months ago... when he wasn't medicated and a huge mess (not that he's feeling any better yet).... but who's to say that the pressure at that time wouldn't have caused him to retreat... and then you wouldn't have had those wonderful opportunities to hang out with him and share a bed with him.

hang in there Ali... you can't read his mind. My suggestion for you is that when you decide enough is enough... that you do what you suggested to Kalni... and ask your BF all of the things you've been afraid to before.

continue to vent here to us Ali. we are here for you.

hugs,
W2G