Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[AliSuddenly]

Gosh, didnt sound harsh at all, bless you! Ahh, so me and you are on our computers on a Friday night, I'm so glad you are here! But what a shame for us both. I did think about you today and how your H has reemerged, whereas my ex never went away until recently! Its this eclipse stuff, our whole R has hit eclipse dates on the nail. The 7th Feb and 21st Feb were SO significant (when he got back in touch and then told his friend he may have made a mistake, respectively). This eclipse is linked to Feb in that its the culmination of the efforts of the past 6 months, make or break time. Looks like break.

I am glad you said that about the depression thing - does he stay away from me when he feels low as it makes him feel worse in reflection as he CANT pretend with me ? You could be right. Abbey.. any thoughts?

Also, I realise I have been spinning and contacting him loads and that is not good and clearly not working. I know I need to stop it and give up/give in. I resolved this morning to NOT contact him, then emailed him and phoned him 4 times. Its just humiliating. I wish I could meet some fab new bloke and breathe a sigh of relief and blow a rasberry in his face and say Neerrrr! Happy now? No? Well, I am!

Clearly, I am dealing with some anger now. Oh and he never replied to my message, so he is ignoring me tonight. Thats what it was like 6 months back in Feb. Not looking good.

[One Day]

I think it just doesn't look good for the current level of contact- back off and see if something changes. I'd be willing to bet that he'll start contacting you again; for whatever reason he needs his space at the moment. Maybe he's thinking and starting to realise how much damage has been done?

It's nice to see you too tonight. I was out earlier but got in an hour or so ago; always tired on Fridays so I don't like going out too late! (How old am I?!)

Do you think it's worth speaking to a DB coach? It's not cheap but I found it really worthwhile to get an opinion when I was questioning whether I should carry on or not.....

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((((Ali)))))))))

Lisa beat me to it! I think it is time to back off a bit. I think he needs to process a bit. And maybe you do, too?

[AliSuddenly]

Well, in other news, I made another new friend at work! She saw my book on eclipses and got chatting to me, we went to lunch today and she invited me out for a drink tommorow night! I was glad it wasnt tonight as I am like you - I like to flop at home on a Friday night !! You went to your PMA thing didnt you? I will check your thread for the results of that !

You are probably right about him contacting me if I leave him be - you are a genius! This is as calm as I have felt all evening. I have chanced contacting him when I wanted since April and not worried about it as much as now. So, I need to stop contacting him altogether? He has this moving away thing hanging over him of course and I guess he is consumed by that and it must be worrying him.

I think thats a good idea about the DB coach, although looking at how its going, it could be bit horse/stable door !? How much is it then and how long do you get on the phone with them? (and do you spend much of that time explaining the history !?)

Hey Jeff!! So, you would favour backing off, as opposed to trying to talk to him?

[One Day]

Glad you're feeling calmer!

I wouldn't back off totally, in the sense that when BF contacts you, you should reply in kind. Maybe send the occassional short e-mail (every other day?) in a no-pressure way (sharing a joke, observation etc). The Coach I spoke to said that my instinct would be to caretake H and that I need to be wary of doing that because he needs to feel that he can handle things himself. I just wonder if BF needs the same?

A single coaching session is about £70, and I got an hour for that. Spent about 30 minutes explaining the situation (mine was long- probably similar to the length of time you'd need?) and then had the rest of the time as advice and things she suggested I try. I found it really worthwhile (and I was REALLY sceptical as only a science-girl can be!)

Hurray on the new friend! That's fantastic news!!

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks for that! Seems you can email a short history before hand, maybe could speed it up a little?

So I called them and I can have a slot on Thursday, but said I would think about it as its expensive. Plus, somehting is amiss, so maybe its too late already? - he never replied to my message, which he hasnt done for months, even last Friday when he was away and missed my call, he phoned back an hour later. Its also wierd that he didnt reply to my email today. Maybe he met someone Wednesday night!?

Things have been different since he saw his BMF on the weekend. This guy is a real advocate of moving on and it being fro the best, these things just happen - I called him just after the bomb and thats what he said, not all love lasts forever, its sad, but people break up, end of. This is the first time my BF has seen him since Christmas and I know that if he found out he has been seeing me all this while, he would tell him to stop it, leave me alone to get over him. My BF did say ominously on the phone Tuesday, that it was good to see BMF and to have a chat with him "about things".

This is such an exhausting journey I have been on, really wierd.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((Ali)))))))

I'm thinking about all of this. I'm not ready to say anything yet.... I'm being still. I think that might be the best plan for you, too, right now.

I will say, don't take one day's actions as an indicator. There are too many possible reasons for him not responding today, try to let that go.

[AliSuddenly]

Ok Jeff! I will be still.. I will go lie in bed and sleep, I'm SO tired! I cried and cried and cried earlier this evening. Its so odd though, the lack of contact since he went to the pub with his mate Wednesday night - and thats the night he had first offered to meet up with me to sign this lease, then he emailed to say he was meeting a friend instead. Seems kinda fishy to me. Then to not contact me at all for 2 days and ignore my email today and my phone message tonight, I hope he is ok! I wouldnt be surprised if he met someone..it was kinda in his stars to between these eclipses (I was hoping it would be me catching his eye!)

I guess I just wont contact him again now all weekend - I know he is at a beach festival tommorow all day and night and will therefore be hungover on Sunday anyway.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Ali, what eo you think he would do if you stopped contacting him now?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Jeff, morning! (guess you are in bed now).
I dont know? What do you think? I dont think anything dramatic would happen, he's been letting go of me for the past year.. if I back off too, I think things will naturally fade away between us. I think contact would wane and then in a few weeks, he will HAVE to move away, as they will be expecting him to start work up country, despite him saying he would "cross that bridge when I come to it" and it would be "the last resort". I dont see what else he can do, he cant get another job down here and he said he wouldnt give up his job.

I have been hoping to reconcile this past 6 months but I dont think he has. I think he just wanted some comfort from me, and as he said "I really care about you Al". I've been trying to get it straight in my mind whats happened over the past few weeks, but I cant. Its confused, as he has this work stuff hanging over him and my BFF was here for 2 weeks. But he hasnt initiated contact for a week and a half now, which is unprecedented since February I think. He hasnt responded yet to my messages yesterday, so he is clearly avoiding/ignoring me. I guess I will find out as he does have to see me sometime this week to sign this lease, unless he asks me to post it to him. Really looking like end of the road to me.