buster80

[Puppy Dog Tails]

this situation with my wife is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't detach all the way because we have to talk about our son. I need advice puppy, sg, whomever.....should I have a friend drop a hint to her to stop texting nonsense stuff to me ? It's always stuff she could tell me in person later in the day. It's hard when I love her and want her back and she doesn't want me (that I know of). I don't want to talk to her. It's easier this way. Why can't she take my hints

Buster,

First of all, it's hard for me to respond and help you when you post so many different, short, posts. It would help if you could sum up two or three specific questions into one post for us to help answer.

I see too much game-playing, passive-agressive stuff going on here in your interactions with your wife. Having a friend tell her something is sooo "junior high," kwim? If you have something to say to her, SAY it -- don't drop hints. "Wife, I think it would be best right now for us to confine our communication to parenting issues." or "I don't mean to be rude in not responding to your texts, but there's really nothing I want to discuss with you right now. If it's important, I'll certainly try to get back to you as promptly as I can, but I've been really busy lately with (GAL stuff here)."

Make sense?

Just NOT RESPONDING is rude, and "rude" is not what you're going for. "Busy" . . . "distant" . . . "detached" . . . is what you're going for.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am definitely civil with her. but I throw in a couple occasions where I'm distant so the whole mess gets under her skin a bit.

Buster,

This post of yours tells me that you're not getting it. The purpose of not responding is NOT to "get under her skin," and in fact, it's the OPPOSITE. You want to get to where you're doing things for YOU, and for your child, and not worrying about what your wife thinks about it one way or another.

LRT, going dark, detaching, 180s, GALing, etc. . . these DB techniques are not done to "get under the skin" of the wayward spouse, nor even to particularly evoke a reaction from them. They are for YOUR emotional health, to to make YOU a better, more attractive person. If your wife then ends up seeing those changes and responding to them (and she likely will), then great -- but that's NOT why you do them.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'd like to clarify that W does not want to do anything "family" related - as in her, our son and I for about the past month. maybe she used to because she felt sorry for the whining mess that was the old me. now that i act like i don't even notice her in a room, maybe she is starting to wonder ? Alas, she is doing her own thing and I am doing mine.

Buster,

Here is a perfect opportunity for you to practice the "direct approach" I wrote about above, and stop the innuendo and hints. Simply say to your wife "No matter what happens with the two of us, I think it's important for us to be a family, whether that's as husband and wife, or ex-husband and -wife, co-parenting successfully. To that end, I'd like for us to regularly schedule some things we do with our son. There's a church picnic coming up a week from Sunday that I think he would enjoy; are you busy?"

or some such.

Puppy

[buster80]

Ok I have a handle on what you're saying puppy. My wife likes to get a rise out of me all the time. I hate it. Unfortunately by going dark on her it gives her a rise too

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't be so sure. If she knows you're sitting around MOPING, then maybe, yeah. But if she knows you're BUSY, or -- even better -- wonders WHAT the hell you're up to, then probably not.

Puppy

[buster80]

She really has no idea what I do, I think she knows I am lot more active nowadays. I wasn't prepared for the shock and frustration of all of this. It's been 2 months since she left me and I realize that is early, I can't shake the people who tell me to move on. Yeah, the minute I feel mopey I go out with people to get my mind off of it, but it's always there. :-( I don't need her to be happy. I don't need her period. I know this because I was happy before her. We all make mistakes and I am to blame for everything before the affair, just not during or after. Just want her to come back to me so much. Lord please grant me the ability to take each new day and see it as a fresh start to better myself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen.

[sandi2]

Buster, you may laugh at this, but I think a lot of "texting" with some people is really a huge habit for them. I believe that it is addictive to a lot of young people. Very few times have I ever seen my GS without his cell phone glued to his hand. When I look around at most people in their young 20's (especially) it seems he is not alone in this "habit" of texting. If he does lay the phone down....I hear the little text signal going off constantly. That would drive me nuts! He can't sleep at night for that little "ting" going off....and most of the time, it is the girlfriend!

I have been amazed how M couples, email, phone, text, etc. all through-out the day.....to each other. What do they have left to talk about when they get home? (lol)

In all seriousness, about your W texting so much......that could be her way of keeping tabs on what you are doing all the time. She sounds so much like my GS's girlfriend, who is very controlling and wants to know where he is and what he is doing.....but of course, she has her little "excuses" for texting...just like your wife is using! Sorry that I keep referring to my GS's stitch, but it is just so similiar in what I see here.

As a woman, I can tell you that when your wife sees that she has lost all of her "female" power over you--and that you do not react or respond to some of her little female tricks.....but instead you are acting as if it does not push your buttons at all--b/c you really just don't have time to play her games (due to your busy schedule, etc.)....then she will be the one to get frustrated......and then she will, hopefully, start acting more like an adult and start looking at what she really wants.....her H or the OM. (Sorry, but as you see, I write long "run-on" sentences.)

If you want her back.......(and, do you?) Then, you have to outshine the OM, but you will only do it by listening to people like Puppy and some of the other men here that are advising you. However, I can tell you how she may feel or react as a woman (lol).

So, she needs to have you set strict boundries by letting her know that she cannot have her cake and eat it too. (Note: see Puppy about strict boundries.) She will soon see that she cannot be all lovie dovie with you and sleep with OM! When she sees you treating her politely....but so detached from her emotionally.......oh,trust me, that will get her attention quicker than just about anything you could do! The entire point is that you don't act like an a$$ b/c you are wanting her to see you at your best! You be on your best behavior while around her......use your charm (if you can muster any up, now), ....well, you may not be able to muster much right now since you are still so angry...but bluff it. You CAN use good manners, even if you don't feel like it, but good manners and kissing butt is not the same thing.....know what I mean?

I have tried to tell so many of the young husbands that if they would treat their WAW's nice....but detached emotionally and act as if it is b/c the H is so "involved in other things"......his child...getting a personal life of his own.....act interested in whoever he may be around or talking to at that time, etc., SHE WILL NOTICE!

Be nice, and look at her when she says things, but then immediately focus your attention to something else.....like your son. If you don't look at her when she is trying to talk to you, she will think she is "getting to you". And, she will continue to play her games. That is why this is so important for you to do like we say. The secret is to immediately look away from her and turn your attention to something that is more "interesting" to you! If you are an interesting person and act as if you are throwing yourself into "life" and find everything esle "interesting", except for her (b/c she just can't seem to hold your attention!)........this will make her really start seeing you with new eyes.

Sweetie, it is the female nature that she wants that one man's "undivided" attention.....that she can't get. If you are being "nice" but detached, she can't get mad at you for not "caring" (as she would refer to it), but it will get her very frustrated b/c she can't get your undivided personal attention ON HER! That is what she wants!.........but she can't have it! You become unavailable to her......and b/c you are being so unavailable, emotionally detached, and so darn charming, looing hot and smelling good enough to eat.......trust me, she will knock herself out trying to figure out why she can't "control you" so easily anymore, and she WILL WANT YOU. She will not admit this fact to herself...much less anyone else, but after a while, she will be thinking about YOU instead of the OM. She will be wanting to get your attention and be with you instead of the OM.

So, what you have to do is use every opportunity when she sees you to look your best, act your best, and outshine the OM. But, you must do just like the book tells you to do. Don't go down those "cheesless tunnels".....just do what works.

Sg, in the next two weeks I would like my wife to stop seeing the OM. But that won't happen..... I'll settle for in the next 2 weeks, my wife having doubts about what she's doing, even though she probably already does

If you will do as the people here have advised you, then your wife WILL have doubts about what she is doing.....and what she really wants. It may take longer than two weeks b/c that is probably not enough time, but if you want her back....don't give up hope. But, as you said before, just act as if it doesn't bother you what she does or thinks.

I know it gets confusing to the LBS about the detaching and yet being polite. Not replying to her text, but not being rude. I realize that could be mind blowing at times. That is why you need to post every day and let folks help you. Keep reading the DB book and mark places that apply to your stitch. Sometimes, when under a lot of stress, we have to go back over and read it several time before we really "get" what the message is.

We are here b/c we want to bust a divorce. We are here for YOU! If you are served with papers......don't panic. Continue doing the DB principles. Even if there is a D, there is always hope until she remarries. Then, you will need to move on without her and make a life for yourself. That is what it needs to "appear" to her that you are doing now.......just don't over-kill.

Take care,
Sandi

[buster80]

sandi thank you so much. I REALLY need the opposite gender's perspective. i use aol (AIM) and sometimes i'll leave lyrics to a song on there, and I go over to our house and i'll find in the web browsers history that she was trying to find the song title and the rest of the lyrics i agree with you that she likes to keep tabs on me; I haven't asked her what she was up to in almost a month. she makes it a point to tell me when something eventful happens though. i'm still getting used to that whole "don't believe what she says" bit. like you said she wont' admit things to herself let alone anyone else so I get it a tiny bit. this OM basically is at her beck and call. he'll bend over backwards for her. If i was a woman, that would get irritating after a bit i think. I am showing some resistance to her.

[buster80]

here's something i forgot to ask awhile back....should I still wear my ring ? about a month ago I got a shower (yes I get one everyday too) and forgot to put it on. she spotted it right away and said "not wearing the ring anymore huh?" I said I forgot to put it on and she immediately snapped back "I don't care." I should note she gave hers back as soon as I found out about OM.