HI upside Glad your s is doing well maybe its just a step back for H just try to go about your life contining gal and pma your H is just trting to sort it all out and at least he isnt making life changing decisions while he is so confused like the rest of theese mlcers take care of you find a new hobby take a class you will know soon what will happen trust yourself and see his willingness to try as a sign for the better for now you lose nothing by waiting another 3 months and when he takes a step forward he may be closer than last time your H cycles the same peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You've let him know that you don't like things the way they are and IMO, that's a good move.
Yesterday my H made some baby steps so I am thinking it was good to let him know how I am feeling.
Hello NG-
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I think maybe you should try to empathize with what he is telling you rather than offering him suggestions for how to fix himself. Strive to make him think that you really "get" him (even if you don't "get" him).
Thanks for reminding me. I think it is our natural instinct to want to fix things. Note to self: They have to fix themselves.
Hey peace-
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trust yourself and see his willingness to try as a sign for the better for now
I am trying to see the positives. I just get frustrated when things seem to come to a stand still. Thanks for encouragement.
Since I let my H know of my frustration, he has been in more contact. He did invite me to go to a wedding with him next weekend. He called me yesterday and we met for a glass of wine. We really seemed to be connecting. He was talking about a conference he needed to go to in a few weeks and kind of hinted about me going. I asked him if he was inviting me. He said yes if I didn't have the kids that weekend (I do ). Without me even bringing it up, my H made a point of entering our new C appointment on his Blackberry. Later my H came over to my house to watch a movie. While he was there, I admit I pushed a little. I asked if he thought we could be happy together again. He told me he wouldn't be going to C if he didn't think it was possible. I asked him if he could see himself living in my house and he says it all seems so foreign to him. He also said he doesn't want to feel like a tenant. He did suggest that we should go away for a weekend together...I think he wants to try to reconnect in neutral territory. I wanted to suggest Retrouvaille but I'm not sure he is ready for that.
This may sound really minor but it seemed kind of significant to me because it is something he hasn't done this for a long time...while watching the movie last night, my H did lay his hand in my lap sometimes even rubbing my leg. A baby step? And then my H even called me just to talk on his way home...and he told me he had a nice time.
So good stuff happened yesterday...now back to no expectations...again!...<<<sigh>>>
It doesn't sound minor to me what you are describing. You captured a number of different pieces that highlight H. owning his own part of the equation. Okay, maybe not fully, but he's showing active signs of participating. The part of him living in the house probably does feel foreign and I think that's normal enough, but it's perhaps a little soon for that. The fact that he's continuing to be engaged in C. and maybe inviting you for some time away is a big plus. AND, you have a good experience when you are together, that's a big reinforcer that there is still important connection and chemistry at some level happening.
My D got home from her trip (her team did sooo well )and had games over the weekend. My H came to a couple but can never stay for more than 1 at a time. My H has always been very generous with my kids and gave them some money this weekend for doing so well with their games. My D wanted to get a new cell phone with the money so yesterday my D contacted my H because we needed him to help us get new cell phones (I decided to get one too) since he is the primary on the account. Now shortly after my H moved out of the house, he put a password on the celluar account so I wouldn't have access since I had been checking out who he was calling. So last night, when we were at the store, he said the password in front of me and my D. I was a little surprised but mayne he felt he had no choice. We were told we had to temporily remove a discount from the account in order to get discounts on the purchase of the phones. I tried to call this morning to see if I could get the discount put back on but the password no longer works. I don't get it. I wasn't going to check out his phone calls...I can't do it...but this doesn't make me trust him. So here is an issue to talk about with the C...I think we will actually make the appointment we have set up for tonight. I also want to talk about why my H has issues with living at my house...or is it too soon to be bringing that up since we still have so many other issues. Also, at my last IC session, the C asked how committed I thought my H was to the M. I said 30%. The C said he thought that was low. I think that might be interesting to discuss with my H. Also, I want to discuss that my H and I are in agreement that we don't want to be doing this a year from now...so if that is the case, what is it he wants to see happen? There is so much to discuss but we only have an hour.
The C session was really interesting. I really wish I could have a transcript of it so I could share some of it with you. Listening to my H tonight, I could almost hear the door close on some of his issues as he talked about them. My H talked a lot about how things got to the point where he felt he had to leave the M and he actually said it took a lot of "courage" for him to leave (the C says because he felt he was weak). I told him it would have taken a lot more courage for him to stay. He claimed he had to go because we weren't listening to each other and nothing would have changed if he had stayed. Then he said after his D left for college he just felt like he was living my life and things got worse after we sold our house and we were going to buy my father's house. He talked about how I didn't understand that he needed his autonomy (guy time) and I admitted the more he pulled away, the more clingy I got. He seemed to appreciate that admission.
My H said he understands now that the anger he felt when he first left wasn't anger toward me or the marriage but at himself...it was almost as if he realized tonight that the M wasn't really the problem and he even admitted that none of the issues in our M were insurmountable. He said he realizes how hard this has all been on me and understands that he has hurt me and my family. He talked about our relationship now and how comfortable it is and how we enjoy each others company. The C asked when my H recognized that he still wanted me in his life. My H mentioned something about a time when we had very little contact but that it was something that was really very gradual.
I tried to get my H to talk about not feeling comfortable with the idea of living at my house. Apparently my H isn't ready to deal with any of that yet.
I talked to my H about the cell phone account password...of course, he down played it and tells me he will give me the password. I am sure he just doesn't want me to check up on who he is talking to for whatever reason. I don't want the password. I don't want the kind of relationship where I have to be checking out phone records.
Your h is making so much progress. Good news, but it also sounds like he's holding back a bit, with the password and living at your house. I'd suggest not bringing up moving into your house at this point. He's obviously not comfortable with it RIGHT NOW and that doesn't mean that he won't get more comfortable as time goes on and your r improves. Is there anything you can add to your house that would make him feel more comfortable? Do you have any pictures of his d? Is there a special food that he likes that you could try to have on hand? Just some ideas.
Sounds like the C session went really well. Your H is baking up nicely! Keep your expectations low and continue to allow H to move at his own pace. Hopefully he'll sense that and appreciate you for it.
Your H has come a long way. So glad the C sessions are helping. You're doing great!
). Without me even bringing it up, my H made a point of entering our new C appointment on his Blackberry. Later my H came over to my house to watch a movie. While he was there, I admit I pushed a little. I asked if he thought we could be happy together again. He told me he wouldn't be going to C if he didn't think it was possible. I asked him if he could see himself living in my house and he says it all seems so foreign to him. 
He also said he doesn't want to feel like a tenant. He did suggest that we should go away for a weekend together...I think he wants to try to reconnect in neutral territory. I wanted to suggest Retrouvaille but I'm not sure he is ready for that. 