If I stopped? Thats what got me here to begin with. If I stopped? He would not feel very loved. He says I only do oral very rarely. The funny thing is when I do "it" he usually does not let me finish. I think he has a hard time accepting me "DOING" him. In any fashion. But especially oral. For instance if I am slowly seducing him he wants it faster. If I am doing it like a mad Woman he will tell me to slow down. Not always mind you. Its not like that.
But at leat 45% of the time he is telling me like this or like that.....
I would just like to close up shop and start over in a few weeks . Re~group so to speak. But my history is such that I cant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had purchased Passionate Marriage on a fluke while at the book store one day. He was In Mexico and over the phone told me he wasnt going to fight for us anymore. I thought I would die. he was everything to me. I was fused with him and far too emmeshed.
Funny, I didnt know having mutiple affairs was fighting for "US"
And yet I still chose to fight for us.
So I read it and I was excited to try it out on him when he arrived. It was like I was making love to a stone. Boy that hurt. I felt like crying and I had a feeling there was someone else yet again.I asked him and he denied it. He said I told you this was over. I felt so defeated. He then told me " YOU SEE HOW YOU FEEL?" "THAT IS HOW I FELT EVERYDAY WHEN YOU ml TO ME LIKE THAT." " AND I STILL HAD TO MAKE IT THRU THE DAY AND I STILL WENT TO WORK."
Yet not ready to give up. I still loved him so much. I then had a resolve to make love to him with Passion and like these were my last days with him. Well they were. I honestly never thought I would change his mind. I used everything I learned.
This is partly why he stayed I know it. A friend of his told me he listened to this song everyday when he was away from you.
I listened to it and it had to do with he couldnt forget her cause she made love to him like no other and it was like a masterpiece of art and noone ever could compare to her.
He frustrates the hell out of me ... and yet I know I owe him this gift. ME~
I honestly just have a hard time being very vulnerable and letting go all the way. That is why I started the journal thread .. for me for my emotions etc etc etc. To get to where he needs me to be and to where I honestly should be.
What do you think?
I am long winded arent I? Sorry?
All my best to you all and thank you for your support. Take care and God bless... ~Ali
Just stop. I am getting too tired of fighting for this. I know that is not what you meant for me to give up literally but I also think he wants me to.
He was good when he got home and then I did what you said ACJ~
well I looked hot. He was outside with the crew tipping a few back and I went out with the pretext of a cigarette. Yes, I have started to smoke some again. Anyway, He was receptive and he even lit my cigarette. I came upstairs. He came up shortly after and then we kissed and he flirted with me.
Then it all went south....
It is a long story but he got mad I got mad. And then the [censored] hit the fan. He brought up his Family every chance he got.
You are bullsh*t ,just like them. If you want to leave cause you dont like it go [censored] ahead. I know who I am . You dont do anything for me. Oh, am I supposed to hug you and say everything is ok , please! Leave that for me , I am going thru so much you are not, you are bullsh*t. I dont care what you think, you are just like them, you dont know me. I wanted you to cook just for me. You should have b*tched at your ex husband like this. ( dont know how he got in the convo)
You are a dumb a** B*tch.
I said... hey if you want to talk about what your Family said lets talk about it but dont put me in with them I am not like them.
Dont pretend you know me nobocy knows me, noone. If you think cooking me this piece of sh*t food means anything you are wrong , I can do this too. You arent doing me any favors. I actually work. And dont [censored] cry, what are you crying for.
Oh and he took his ring off and dropped it on the floor.
I asked ( just what he wanted I am afraid, I should have stayed quiet)
" WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU."
I just took it off b/c my hand is swollen and I have a blister. You are so stupid!
~WOW.
I said ..
You know if youd let me finish.
Can you please let me [censored] go to sleep. If I remember correctly I went to work and i got up early this morning and you were laying there like you got run over by a truck.
NICE~
Anyway , last nite I was ready to say lets just end this.... I really was and those thoughts are scaring me to be honest.
I bit my lip several times.... I dunno if I am up to this.
Oh, and this morning. I did my usual. Got his clothes ready , etc , etc etc. And he kept trying to be nice and playful talking about the news. WTF? I ( ME) dont want to [censored] talk about the news. I want to resolve the issue. I smiled at him and yet made no conversation. I was bascially staying out of his way and trying to ignore him. I dont want to live like this. And I cant even cry! I am pissed.
Oh Ali, he has so much anger right now. I hope he will finally get over his troubles with his FOO. He's pushing away a woman that truly loves him and can help him through his hurt over this. He is just blinded by anger right now if he can't see that you care for him.
In a power struggle, both people are screaming to be heard and validated, and neither is doing that for the other. The first step is not necessarily to validate one another but stop the invalidation of each other. Invalidation can feel like control. Stopping this in itself can be a big thing. All it takes to do that is stay out of the pit. Let him have his say. Let him vent. Let him do what he thinks he needs to do to make himself feel better (within proper boundaries of course).
You won't be taken over, lose your identity, be made into a slave, be subjugated or anything else you may fear, not if you put proper boundaries in place. So the next thing for your to think about is whether you have a firm understanding of boundaries, what yours are, and why are they what they are?
Beautiful isnt it?
I am going to work on this. Thought I would share as it may help someone else here. Thanks for being there for me Cinco. Your kindness is a gift I cherish.
Ali..how often does your H 'need it'? How often are you offering? Is it just TOO much for right now?
When I meant stop, I mean..maybe this is just too forced for right now? Would a break help? FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Ali..how often does your H 'need it'? How often are you offering? Is it just TOO much for right now?
When I meant stop, I mean..maybe this is just too forced for right now? Would a break help? FIB
He needs it everyday... TWICE A DAY WOULD BE GOOD ON CERTAIN DAYS IF WE COULD AND WE DO AT TIMES.~
I know you didnt mean for me to give up love. I just feel like it is too much. And yes a break would help. But he still will be stubborn and not see it as helping he will accused me of being selfish like always. :crazy
FUNNY IT IS ALOT MORE GENUINE THAN IT HAS BEEN. I actually have been contemplating with the idea that the intimacy he so desperately asked for scares him now. Make sense?
You know I have been thinking a lot about what happened and how I reacted and what I allow him to say to me. I have been doing this for years. Telling myself that I am not good enough. If the tape runs long enough you start to believe it. Every cell in your body thinks it to be true. I dunno the good in me but the bad and the sad. I am best friends with her. The part of me that tries so hard to do everything perfect and in the end I feel like I havent accomplished everything I wanted to. I am blind half the time to what I can be. Who I am and where I want to be. I am trying so hard to prove I am good enough and I fight hard enough. I hardly ever get to enjoy. I read lots of books and know I am supposed to stop and smell the flowers and yet uit feels like it is slipping thru my fingers. By the time I get it will I even know it? Will I be able to enjoy it? Will I be to old to have had fun with it? I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes it just hurts. It hurts that I dont always have the sens e or the answers for what I need to do and what I can say no to.
I know pain all too well and so when it feels good it is a little bit scary. I keep looking for the way to be better and my Husband says " BE BETTER TODAY THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY"
I FEEL THIS PRESSURE. Can there be times where I am still and it is ok to just breathe and relax and enjoy where I am.
I realize in my FOO~ They made me feel ugly like I didnt matter. And to others? I am an attractive Woman. I am beautiful. I hate to admit , I dont like Mirrors very much. I don’t see what others see. If I have had a few drinks I can quiet the voice enough to feel good. I at times can feel good in my skin on my own and yet I see it is a struggle. I feel sad that I do not love myself the way I should.
So these boundaries I must know and I must set are not tangible. I cant out them in words yet. And to be honest that in itself makes me sad. I am 37 and I should have this down by now. I feel blessed to know that I am growing and moving forward. I know I cant erase the past. I just wish it didnt have so much impact on my today.
I vowed never to be that Woman who put up with [censored].
Then~
I became her and lost everything that was me. I lost myself and yet I was always here. If I try to remember just a few years back it is honestly a blur. Too much pain to have memories of it. And yet it haunts me still.
I think I saw he was happy and I could just brush all my leftover anger and hurt under the rug. I cant and I must not.
Amazing what someone elses words can do for you. Thanks XXXXXXXXXXX for being so honest and not sugarcoating anything in your words to me. { quote below}
Quote:
Quote: In a power struggle, both people are screaming to be heard and validated, and neither is doing that for the other. The first step is not necessarily to validate one another but stop the invalidation of each other. Invalidation can feel like control. Stopping this in itself can be a big thing. All it takes to do that is stay out of the pit. Let him have his say. Let him vent. Let him do what he thinks he needs to do to make himself feel better (within proper boundaries of course).
You won't be taken over, lose your identity, be made into a slave, be subjugated or anything else you may fear, not if you put proper boundaries in place. So the next thing for your to think about is whether you have a firm understanding of boundaries, what yours are, and why are they what they are?
It is just what I needed. I havent talked to my Father in over 3 years and even before that I was never close with him. My parents divorced when I was 11. My MOM? She never really talked to me. I cant just call him up and say he Dad , this happened how can I improve as a Human Being. Just yelling and so that is what I knew and what I became accustomed to. I am trying to live a new life and at the same time I see I am getting in my own way.
...I have been toying with the idea and thinking maybe it would be good just how to go about it. That is where I get mixed up. It may just help. Maybe I am just trying too hard ? I have been guilty of this with alot of things in my life. OOPs~
Yes, I have started to smoke some again.
