Anxiously awaiting long term Patience!!

[pisces9]

wow TD- that is interesting about the quick decision making JWS has to do at work and how it translates to isues at home...i think that applies to my H.

JWS- hang in there- this is just a bump..usually i feel the same as you when i have good time with my H then i get the blues...it will be ok- it will get better...GAL :0)

[JCJ]

JWS

I know what you mean about the empty bed. Luckily I have always had my cat sleeping/ snoring next to me. The other night was the first time she was too hot to be upstairs and slept downstairs. I had to go down in the night to get her as I was lonely - sounds very sad I know Enjoy the companionship that you puppy provides. Pets are a great comfort.

I struggle with exactly the same thing as you describe. The other month I think I mentioned the old friend who showed me attention and gave me such a nice hug. It was so nice to have that, however I realised I was vulnerable and things could have easily gone further but even though the attention was great he wasn't my h and it wasn't really old friends hug I wanted, it really wasn't the same as a hug from my h. I think that is why things didn't progress and it only confirmed how much I want my marriage to work. ANd how much I want my h.

I won't say the attention was flattering though, we're only human after all.

[maninmotion]

Hey JWS. I took a minute and went back to catch up with your situation and I thought I'd offer a couple of observations.

My W has felt at various times like she doesn't have anything that is hers alone. The most recent example was when I bought her a nice DSLR camera. I'm a man and it was a new toy and I was enjoying playing with it. She let me know that she wanted it to be her deal.

You made a comment a while back about the possibility of your W switching schools and your analysis of her reaction reminded me of my W. Then, to piggy back on that thought, you mentioned that she had wanted to be a military pilot also. I don't know how it was for her, but, I had that dream for nearly 20 years right up until the end. I was a C-5 MX officer and it was extremely difficult to let that dream die. I wonder if your W blames you for her decision not to pursue a flying career? It seems to me because it's a familiar situation that she could be avoiding the hard part of taking responsibility for her life and realizing that she is where she is entirely because of decisions she made. She blames you for ruining her life to avoid taking the responsibility for where she is in life.

I'm dealing with that one too, and I empathize with you.

I am seeing some movement in a positive direction, but, I fear that at the end if she doesn't grow and change, then I will have to end our M for my own health and that's a scary thought.

I hope things work out for you. Stay safe.

Dan

[iamlost]

She blames you for ruining her life to avoid taking the responsibility for where she is in life.

This is really wise, MIM. From what I've read on this board, it seems like if a M is saved, it's 99% of the time because the WAS figures out, on their own, cause they're given the space to do it, that the LBS isn't to blame for where they are in life.

And it works both ways--the LBS also has take responsibility for where they are in life, too. Otherwise, they seem to carry blame into it any reconciling effort.

If BOTH can see where they had a hand in creating their own lives and their M, then it seems like people end up in piecing. If only the LBS takes that responsibility, it seems like they end up divorced, but still OK and much wiser.

Just my 2 cents from WAAAAYYY too much reading on here.

[iamlost]

I need to find a way for my own physical needs to hibernate.

What about getting regular massages? I'm thinking of doing that, meself.

[JWS]

I hands down agree with your first message. I am full intent on giving her the time to come to that conclusion on her own, and now that TD reminded me its is normal for them to pull back after getting close i feel much better.

I can not believe all the pressure I am getting from people to just file myself. they look at me like i am stupid when I say i will not and she just needs time, and these are people who have been very supportive. It is kind of isolating, I don't have her and others are just getting annoying to talk to.

I saw someone on here talking about massages. That is an interesting approach. I have never had one from a pro before and for some reason feel strange about that but it is intriguing.

I got a call from her last night to tell me she was home safe. That is a big change other times she has just texted.

[JWS]

I love having my puppy here, so much less lonely. I bought him a rubber chicken and in two hours he turned it into 1000 pieces. Better he destroy toys then my stuff.

[pisces9]

yay! baby steps- she called you ... that is positive- she is warming up and calming down.
i agree that you need to be careful with who you surround yourself with- even people who love you may not understand...i know how hard that is...but it will keep your PMA up if you dont talk to them about it.

i would recommend a female masseuse...i went to male once and it was weird...female much better ive heard for men and women- i just got one a week ago and it felt so good!

i love my doggie too- isnt it funny how wacky they are! she makes me smile and keeps me happy!

[maninmotion]

I think the massage thing just depends. For a massage that is just for relaxation, I would probably prefer a woman. For a massage that is to deal with deep muscle tension, I want a man that can really blast the deep tissues and leave me relaxed.

JWS, I'm envious of you and your puppy. I can't have pets where we live and W and 2 kids are allergic to almost everything. But, a puppy right now would sure be fun.

Yes, it is annoying that so many people can so easily counsel divorce when surely if the situation was reversed, they too would be trying hard to hold things together.

IAL, thank you for the insight. That's like being part of a Master's course and the study group divides up the reading list. You've just given us the cliff notes version of a lot of reading of this forum.

Dan

[TwinDad]

JWS,

Iamlost hit it right on the button. It is mostly about giving our WAS's the space they need to figure things out. You have done a truly beautiful job of this. The other part is truly listening and making changes in your life.

All your friends pressuring you to file are not taking your desires into consideration. They are not bad people they just want to see your suffering be as short as possible. Julia used to get a lot of pressure like this, I told her to just tell them "I am choosing to stand for my M, it may not be the easy road but it is what I am choosing, I would appreciate it if you would support me". They are also not in your sitch and possibly may never have been. Look at your friend...he filed....does he seem happy? Of course we all have our limits, you have to decide what yours are.

As far as the massage thing goes, try it. I have had a handful of them through the years. The first felt wierd and it was a female. I can't imagine a male doing it....probably becuase I give my W massages quite a bit and it usually leads to other activites and the thought of a man rubbing me just doesn't sit right.