Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Kalni! I know I did, I made a mistake, hence me saying I felt embarressed about it! And now I cant take it back. It gets worse, as I called his moby last night (no answer) and then called him at home, no answer (he was in Wales) and left a message and emailed him today and them did something I haven't done for a year.. I texted him to basically say, hey I emailed you and you didnt answer! Oh dear indeed.

I said on the call earlier "sorry for bothering you, I'll leave you to get on" and he said in his usual reassuring way...you're not bothering me, its ok, I'm just really tired.

I've missed him lately, its lovely to see my BFF, but I knew it would mean that I wouldnt see him much. I can see it isnt to do with me, you are right, but it still hurts a little that he can spend 5 days in France giving all that time to one of his BMF and then 3 days in Wales again giving all that time and attention to his bestest of BMF and then me? I've seen him for about 3 hours in the past fortnight. Says it all hey!?

Yes, we are now in a non-R, you are right and I have NO right to ask him why he hasnt replied (although to be fair, I was checking that he was ok as I knew he would be feeling low - which he is I guess, being 'tired' is all about his depression). And I wish I hadnt called him now!

So I STILL dont know what happened Friday and how he feels about it!

[ba065]

Ali:

In my experiences with H....he seldom remembers the stuff I have screwed up...or gotten upset about...or "blown". Usually within a couple of days, it's like it never happend.

People going through MLC must also have some sort of dimensia when it comes to memory...???

Hang in there!

Hugs!

BA

[mishka422]

(((((((((Ali))))))))))))

Hang on sweetie! Don't contact him again. I know you already know that it was a mistake, just don't make it again.

Even if he calls you, don't hang on the phone. Wrap up the conversation quickly and make it known that you have things to do. Don't be available to him. He needs to miss you, that's your only weapon right now. It's also good for you to drop the rope - completely.

We're here for you Ali! You know we all love you and only want the best for you!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey girls, well, I had eclipse fever. Our R was ruled by eclipse dates so I got my hopes up when I spotted these eclipses (and falls in a very significant place in my chart). When the solar eclipse fell there before 10 years ago, we were friends and he blurted out that he loved me on that eclipse, August 1998..then on the next eclipse, 6 months later, we had our first kiss. He moved in with me officially on the eclipse in July 2000...We moved to Cornwall on the weekend of the eclipse in 2006, he told me he was unhappy and wanted space, on the lunar eclipse 28th August and moved out on the solar eclipse, 11 September...

The eclipse on 16th August hits our Sun/Moon combination prettu close, but not exact...and its said to be linked to conversations and events from the last lunar eclipse on 6th Feb.
Hmm...6th Feb was when he started chatting to me by text message after NC since Christmas, which led to him ASKING to see me the next day. I remember becuase it was so significant, he hadnt wanted to spend time with me since he had withdrawn the previous August (and then once he left in November, he didnt want to spend time with me at all). His email 8th Feb was the first little step toward me, asking if I was free on the weekend and he came to see me on the Saturday, it was my first baby step. for my benefit!

Then, on the next eclipse in the series back then, on 21st Feb was the Friday that he went to the cinema with his friend...and then texted me the next day to admit to me for the first time that he felt "low" and had driven home for the weekend - I found out later that he had arrived at his BMF house in tears and told him he may have made a mistake in leaving me. But his BMF advised him not to say anything to me!!

and so here we are, in the middle of two eclipses, back in the place they were 10 years ago, when I was gobsmacked to learn that my best friend actually was in love with me (and I had had no idea).

[MichelleLT]

((((((Ali))))))

Sounds like he is really struggling.

You definitely had a backslide, but I'm sure you will recover beautifully.

That's very interesting about the eclipses.

[JenInVen]

Hi Ali...just checking in.

Try not to call Him and when you do talk to him don't mention anything about your tiny backslide. If you don't mention it he'll think it wasn't a big deal. If you make it a big deal so will he.

The eclipse is interesting for sure...hope the next one is more positive than some of the others.

Hang in there ok.

[AliSuddenly]

Hello, so not doing so well again, crying on and off all day like yesterday. He emailed me after lunch telling me a bit about the meeting Friday (but still no specifics) that his boss did agree the timescale was harsh.

He asked me about that interview and ended his email "still feeling really tired..." So I replied about the job, validated some stuff about his tiredness and job and also said again that drinking on the tablets could make him more tired, but ask the doc.

He wrote back at 5.31 - so knowing I would have left/too late for me to reply probably, saying, well here it is and it made me cry all over again. He just isnt coming back is he...

Wow - you never know what it'll lead to then? Are you going to get brushing up on your programming skills/jargon etc - are there any online type things to help?

Yeah, got an early night but didn't sleep too well, gonna try again tonight - it has to work eventually. Work OK today but feeling it now - think I'm running on coffee. Busy-ish finishing off a few report that will be good to get gone. Weekend probably didn't help tiredness - lots of booze. Think i will ask the doctor about it.

Anyway, I'm off now - hope you're day wasn't too boring (?!)

me

..it upset me he emailed me last thing, so feels deliberate, that he said great about the job - what does he think I am going to do, be happy to stay living down here by myself and work for some small company, with no friends or family nearby and a broken heart? Sorry to put it that way, but he has no idea does he of how devastated I have been (as I havent told him).

[One Day]

Hey Al,

Sorry you're not feeling good. I don't think BF is really thinking through what he says to you right now, or thinking of your feelings and thoughts (as you know). All he can think of is keeping himself afloat- trying to deal with the depression. In many ways his first paragraph about the job reminds me of my H and the almost overenthusiastic talking about how great my life is, when in fact I've just told him I've clipped my toenails. It'd go something like

Me: I've clipped my toenails
H: Wow. That's really great news. You must be really pleased about that and so happy in your life now. Walking must be so much easier. You're going to go far in your life

H really thinking: I don't know what to say. I don't want her to be far away from me, I want her to be here with me, but how can I expect that after what I've done? I don't deserve her, and she deserves so much better than me.

Maybe I'm completely off track; something just resonated. I genuinely don't think BF imagines you living the high life down there alone. I think he's not thinking and reacting to the moment because he has so much to think about for himself right now. he has nothing to give; don't take it to heart. As T would say, go through the sadness.

Are you thinking of telling him you're upset? Just reading between the lines of your last sentence.

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Wow, thanks Lisa, if only you had posted earlier !!! That really helped me and I think you are right. WHY CANT I SEE THESE THINGS !?? Sorry for shouting but its like I just dont get it and take everything personally and my poor Mum and BFF have to patiently explain over and over "its not you, its him".

So, I had another backslide and am not feeling too good...I phoned him tonight. Negatives - loads. It was awkward, I was awkward, he sounded ratty and tired and hassled (mainly work stuff)...I was lacking in confidence, sounding down, hardly saying much, reacting weierdly to things he said, just to get him to open up (I kept saying - Oh really?..you are?..or..um, do you think?) and he noticed.

He said it was briliant news about my job and I said "is it?" and he said, well yes, it is isnt it! And I said in a fed up bitter kind of voice... well, depends which way you look at it.

I then went straight to asking him about his job situation and he wasnt comfortable talking about it (although we did for ages) as he said it was "irritating" and I apologised for phoning and asking and he said, its just an irritating subject as he's angry at the way he's been treated. I found out that he hasnt got a date for moving, nor has he thought about moving at all yet, he will "cross that bridge when it comes to it" and that moving back to HQ was going to be "a last resort" anyway. In the meantime, he spoke with a boss down here again today about switching onto geotechnics stuff, which is a long shot.

I didnt ask him WHY he doesnt want to move away, but I assume its to do with making a new life here and not wanting to go backwards to his old life and old him and nothing to do with me.

I told him the new tenant for "our" house had signed the lease and he said "brilliant!" and we have to get together to counter sign, but he didnt seem too bothered about meeting up, said any day, he was easy, but that he was busy Saturday (again, arranged stuff on the weekend) - his friend got him tickets for a all day/night gig/surf weekend thing. So I said (oh dear), oh I would have liked to have gone to that and he said "yeah, I'm not sure theres any tickets left actually" and then there was a big silence.

Postives? None, except toward the end of the convo he said his BMF had wanted him to call him yesterday, but that he couldnt face it, he said I didnt want to speak to ANYONE and he didnt want to talk to him tonight either. So I apologised for phoning him last night, but he said, thats ok, I was just shattered. He moaned about his Mum calling earlier as he didnt want to chat to her, but thought he should get it out the way when he saw her number flash up. Then I said sorry for calling him tonight and he told me, thats ok, I was going to give you a ring later actually...so I said thanks thats nice as I know you dont feel like talking..and I made it worse by going on about how I dont want to be like his mother to him and is heart sink when he sees my number, but I have a free dialer so he cant tell its me anyway and he said "no, I knew it was you, thats why I picked up" but not in a hugely reassuring voice, but I was still surprised at this.

Which then made me lighten up a bit. I wish I hadnt called him but waited. If he had called me, I would've been very pleased and chatty and way more confident, instead of embarressed and awkward and saying wierd stuff. I dont understand WHY he was going to call me though. My Mum reckons he just feels a huge amount of guilt and also a bit responsible for me. Who knows?

But... I need to face facts dont I, he is not coming back to me. Depression, not in love, wants to be single, MLC, I'm boring, whatever the reason is, he has put a very firm boundary up last year and so far has never crossed it or once said he's even wavering, just stuck to his decision all along.

[mishka422]

(((((((((Ali)))))))))))))

I so wish I could be right there with you to give you a real hug. I sense you and I both need one.

I want to post so much more to you but I'm going to have to wait until later because I have to take my son to karate right now. As soon as I get back I'll give you some more thoughts on this but for now just know that I am here for you and thinking of you sweetness. Take care!