I've just caught up. It sounds like you communicated well with each other this weekend, even if the subject topics weren't always what you would have wanted. I think you showed her some really good things. It is a big thing for a woman to see that a man can apologise and I think that your interaction with the guy on the phone showed that to her.
I do agree with Lost with the last question. What about you now?
What about me?? That is the question. I have made changes that I am very proud of and feel like I am becoming a much better and happier person. I know that I can live without her and will be happy and will be loved. I also know that my sole underling motivation has been to survive this to win her back and all changes have been based on that.
It is time to live for me. It’s the only way to do it and it’s the only way to have the perseverance to fight for my marriage.
We are entering a new training cycle at work so that will be exciting and very busy. I now have my puppy for a month, I have an old car that needs TLC, I am running again with my eye set on the Las Vegas Marathon, I also just got my bike running great and am going to put some good distance on that for cross training.
I am going to be ok. The one area that I am not sure how to deal with is my need for affection. I don't need a woman, but life is so much better with one. This last week and even more now, I do a lot of looking and wondering. I am building what I want in a Wife and I am fearful I will stumble across it in someone else. I am confused now and I am only talking a made up person, I can't imagine the confusion if that was to happen. I also don't know if that is what I want or not.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Hello JWS. I haven't been keeping up with your situation, but, this is a familiar dilemma.
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The one area that I am not sure how to deal with is my need for affection. I don't need a woman, but life is so much better with one. This last week and even more now, I do a lot of looking and wondering. I am building what I want in a Wife and I am fearful I will stumble across it in someone else. I am confused now and I am only talking a made up person, I can't imagine the confusion if that was to happen. I also don't know if that is what I want or not.
A stone cold B of a situation.
Our Western culture doesn't really have another outlet for affection. It's been my experience and observation that for many women, their emotional needs can be met through friendships and other relationships and if their emotional needs are being met, their physical needs SEEM to hibernate.
For dare I say most men, the situation is a complete opposite. I know that I crave physical touch and affection from someone that I can share my heart with. For me, physical intimacy is the key that unlocks the door to my inner self. I crave closeness and intimacy and aside from my wife, there is really no other outlet. The kids love to smother Dad with hugs and wrestling, but, a hug from my daughter isn't the same.
I don't have an answer for you on how to deal with the problem. I find a way to deal with it by reminding myself that while I can solve the problem, to do so will precipitate the divorce that will bring such pain and hurt to my kids, that I would be trading my pain for their happiness. This, I cannot do.
The one thing that I do, is I go mostly sober to the nightclub and have great fun interactions with the ladies I meet there and I enjoy it for what it is, a fantasy interaction in virtual reality. I also don't confuse if with something that it is not, real life.
hi JWS- im sorry you had to endure the "talk" again- but you handled it perfectly...DB'ing to a T. good work....just remember they are just words...my H said it to me after our sep only once and then never brought it up again bc i handled it so well...i didnt react and said just what you said..."if that will make you happy then i cant stop you"...
i would be careful of "I" statements- Michelle actually warms against them in her book..she says DO NOT talk about FEELINGS....but do stand up for yourself i it gets heated...
it sounds like it went well and you now have your doggie!!!
are you doing ok?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I am back on the rollercoaster and it’s been one heck of a ride, I think that things are starting to level back out and I can see my game plan still in front of me.
don't believe what she says and only 50% of what she does.
Time is on my side.
Be her friend (even she feels we are coming a long way as friends)
Support school and let her know that her achieving her dreams is my top priority.
I agree with Lost that see won't go through with the D (but I am prepared to honor it if she does) we were very much on a good friends level when she left today, she even called when she got home to tell me that she was there instead of texting
Dan thanks you so much for understanding. I need to find a way for my own physical needs to hibernate. Its probably no surprised but I am the one with the overly high sex drive and her with the low drive, however she has always been my fulfillment and the real thought of being with another woman is totally not what I want, not even to mention the pain it would end up causing my M. But I miss the way she would cling to me in her sleep because that is where she felt the absolute safest. She knew nothing could ever happen to her while she was in my arms at night and she held me in the warm needing way. That kind of touch has a strong connection to my emotional happiness and finding a replacement for that has been hard.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
intimacy is a huge issue and can derail us eaily...i had to learn how to figure out myself....if you know what i mean. i was going crazy. i would never risk the success of our M for one stupid night and i would feel digusting if that happenned...so be careful. what can you do to tkae care of yourself?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
But I miss the way she would cling to me in her sleep because that is where she felt the absolute safest. She knew nothing could ever happen to her while she was in my arms at night and she held me in the warm needing way. That kind of touch has a strong connection to my emotional happiness and finding a replacement for that has been hard.
JWS, I understand completely. I went through a few days where I was missing W's presence in bed at night incredibly. At times the loneliness felt overwhelming and like getting punched in the guts by Mike Tyson. Somehow, it has faded into a dull roar.
For pisces9. I think that JWS and I are on a similar page. If I needed some help with, you know, I can get a girlfriend with a last name of .jpg. I will still go to sleep in an empty bed. I miss throwing my big bear arm over my W and just holding her as we fall asleep and the only ways that I can think of to duplicate that come perilously close to a path I'm not ready to walk.
Sounds like a pretty eventful weekend. You did extremely well. I also want to say I think you have handled this whole sitch very nobely. You even turned the R talk into something she said thank you about which probably lifted some pressure off of her.
No lets look at the actions from the weekend (what did your eyes tell you), in particular the gathering you went to.
You two had a good time there, both, a lot of her actions probably seemed very familiar from a spouse standpoint...and they probably were. The good news is she was relaxed with you in that environment. Your non-pressuring and supportive actions through the last couple months have done a lot to create that environment. Now you have to figure on the way back from the gathering she probably realized she was having a good time and probably started to question herself a little bit.
What does a WAW doe when she starts to questions herself, she errs on the side of safety which to her is further away from you. This is ok....it is almost expected to see this type of "pull-back" following any sort of positive interaction. She needed to take step back and give you a warning so as to protect you from getting your hopes up. Get used to these type of interactions....getting closer...pulling further away. Look for the baby steps (i.e. is she moving two steps closer and only one back?). This is what you want
The other thing that stepped out in your posts was her comment about her ideas never being good ideas. I have struggled with those same statements for years. My W had always felt that way even though that was never my intention. Also because of which I was considered controlling which again was not my intention.
In your career you have to process an incredible amount of information, come to decision, and execute in a very short time period. I imagine you can also explain why you made the decision you made rather quickly. In my career I got in the habit of coming to a decision and then providing the reasons for why I was deciding this way. I also applied this to my home life (it was what was familiar) It was never my intention to keep my W out of the decision making process, I felt I was just giving my thoughts and the reasons behind them hoping she would do the same and we could discuss. My W would take this as me saying I had made my mind up and she couldn't argue with any of my points......led to quite a bit of resentment.
If this sounds even remotely familiar (which from your W's expressions might be the case) then find a different way to discuss things that require an opinion. I would suggest asking her what her opinion is first and then tell her what you like about her idea (and truly try to see it....ask questions). Then add in a little bit of your perspective or concerns (even if you have to downplay it a little bit). I tried something like this and even would through in stuff like "I am not disagreeing with your opinion". It has really worked wonders in our conflict resolution and discussions like that. Let her run the show a little bit or at least take the lead. Whether you feel she is justified to feel that way or not...the fact remains she does and I am sure you don't want her to feel that way.
I think you are doing an outstanding job......look at how your sitch has progressed in the last couple of months.......very tense get togethers to more natural ones with more planned in the future......very nice baby steps
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
TD- thanks man you summed things up perfectly. You are right on about the way I make decision and how that affects hers. Also about all of the good steps that took place. Hind sight being what it is, her withdrawing makes perfect sense and I should have seen it coming, but rather I was so caught up in the moment that it blind sided me.
Dan - very well put I have never met and man that does not know how to take care of things himself, but the other forms of intimacy are harder to fake, however last night was the first night with my puppy back and although he is "not allowed on the bed", we snuggled all night long. I think the rules at my house will be slightly different then at hers. I too am not ready to walk any dangerous path and I am glad that it is firmly in my beliefs so I can resist any temptation.
I do feel good about the weekends baby steps, but something about actually telling her its ok to get a D, has taken away my hope, its like the wind is out of my sails. I feel more hopeful after reading TD summary, but all night and morning I could not get my head around it so I decided not to fly for the next few days and am having a not regular meeting with my shrink to talk about this.
Work although supportive of my needs does not like the limbo factor and I am getting told to make the right decision and deal with this. I have no problem dealing with tuff issues at work but I am not about to go get a D just to make them happy. in a way this makes me a better leader, I too would have most likely counseled a subordinate to just protect himself and move on, not understanding the dynamics of a WAS.
I have a new friend at work that has kind of been a good person for me to talk to; he just went through a nasty D with three kids in the picture. He is the one that filed because she was messing up his life so bad, but listening to him talk she sounds like a WAS and I wish he could have had some of this info because he has been left very bitter and he is such a nice guy.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
