You are reacting in an over the top way. What I read in your own words did not rate the hatred and anger that it flipping you out, Phil. Get a grip. You are not the only freaking person having issues right now and you need to get a grip.
Don't be so reactive. Don't change the locks, file for custody, take her off the insurance or refi the house just because you are pissed off. What the hell do you expect her to do when you are texting her she is a jerk?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Change the locks, refi, and take her off the insurance. Give her the feeling of being on her own.
Don't do any of that.
Two seperate pieces of advice. That neither will work.
What is the best outcome.
I have to think about what is right for Phil. Wife is in her own little world. She knows how to drag around and push my buttons. She said she was done. She told me to get a clue she wasn't coming home.
Then stop coming home. Stop driving me crazy. Stop showing up when I'm not there to pick weeds and do whatever the hell your doing. You shut me out of your life. Then stop using the cell phone as an electronic leash for when you can't deal with the kids.
Phil likes talking in third person.
BTW, I talked with the cops. They say I can't change the locks because she is on the deed. It is a civil matter that I need to discuss with an antorney.
Limbo...
Right and having the insurance agent mail her a letter and paperwork to remove her from the insurance will just spin her out of control.
It comes down to one question to her. Does she want us and the kids to loose the house?
I'm not being reactive. In the beginning I was told by other posters to do those things and I held back for about three months because I didn't want to start a war. However I see no improvement and I'm a man of action. I fix things. I fix everything. I can't fix her. There have only been two things in my life I attempted to fix and could not. A watch, and a 94 Jeep that kept stalling.
Well I didn't have the tools for a watch.
The Jeep I threw every part at it I could, and never found the problem. I had an electronics specialist look at it twice and he couldn't figure it out either. The only thing I didn't try was the neutral safety switch. I wish I had that Jeep back, but all I heard was you don't know what you are doing. I need a more reliable car. What I should have heard from her was. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate all the effort you are taking trying to provide me with a reliable vehicle.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO I never got anything close to resemble that.
I got verbally abused for it. Constantly. It doesn't matter what I do. Nothing is ever good enough.
I think this Captain needs to sail.
I feel stable and healthy. The wind it be good. I have rations to last for months. The crew has their rum and beer. The spoils are tarnished. No more skullduggery. Button down the hatches.
"Climb up the mast," Erbayshun said to me "Me crow's nest, needs a sweep, so swab it me hearty!"
If you want to save your marraige, you are going about it in the worst possible way.
If you want to end your marraige, then Phil has found the quickest possible route with the maximum amount of damage to everyone involved, Phil included.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
If you want to save your marraige, you are going about it in the worst possible way.
Sing it Sinatra!
You very brave KenF, very brave indeed.
How do I create loss for her. We are seperated. She needs to know what divorce life and seperation is. You don't want to be at the house. Then stop coming to it. You don't want to speak with me in a civil manner and create a schedule or discuss with me where the children are at or doing. Then don't show up at the house unannounced in the evening attempting to drop them off so they are out of your hair. You don't know how to discipline them. Don't expect me to bail you out. Because every time I bailed you out, you became the big eraser. Don't yell at them you would say. Leave them alone they are alright. Treated them like friends rather then children. She put them in front of her heart.
She is the one that needs to change, and frankly I don't think I want to hang around for it anymore. Eight months of BS. BS that should improve.
All she cares about is that stupid ice cream shop.
For 11 years of marriage I have been treated like crap. Yes I have reacted poorly to some situations which caused more dissention after dissention. It also gave her enough ammunition to tell everyone that I was the abuser.
She was the abuser. I tried to let it go. Everyone has there breaking point. Do you know how many times I told her to shut the hell up, because it was usually stupid nonsense made mountains from molehills.
She is the one that needs to change, and frankly I don't think I want to hang around for it anymore. Eight months of BS. BS that should improve.
The core of the matter.
Yes, in 8 months you should have seen some changes... IF you had made some as well.
You and your wife are still and always will be in a vicious cycle if both of you keep interacting the same old way. Keep pushing the same buttons and keep reacting to the other one pushing those same old buttons.
Yes she needs to change, absolutely, you need to show her how, not tell her. Phil talks alot, Phil needs to do.
You got the one you wanted giving you advice, are you listening to it? Are you livng it? Have you stopped saying "I love you?" yet?
You think I am this expert, that's fine. Are you doing anything I have reccomended?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I know that it seems the advice is conflicting, but really it isn't. Both involve letting her be a big girl. One is just more extreme than the other. Since you have yet to master the less extreme option (limited contact), it seems rash to jump into the other.
I know it is frustrating for her to say one thing ("I am not coming home") and to do another (show up frequently unannounced). Tell ya what- don't put her in the position of having to say those words. Phil often provokes those statements from his wife.
Yes, you must do what is right for Phil. I just caution you from doing it too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race, pal.
In reading your posts it is very clear that you are not ready to sail yet. Unless you want to end up like Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates, crying uncontrollably as you leave the shore....
Take a step back, BREATHE. Don't do anything you cannot undo!!!
Phil, what is your goal? stop feeling sorry for yourself. you have all combined effort advice wise, from numerous db'ers and you just flat out ignore most of it.why? None of what you want to do will probably get you any closer to your ultimate goal. you are signing your marriage's death warrant if you continue along this same path. No one here wants to see you fail. listen, pray , seek God. Let her go. you can still see her and let her go. it is hard. You need to remember , this is a marathon, not a sprint, that is why you are so exasperated.Your wife will do crazy things, let her, you cannot stop her. Just try and not let it affect you and your children. Be the buffer for your kids. It sucks, i know, but you have to be their rock. Some day they will thank you for it. My older children appreciate what I did when their mother went off the deepend and just checked out. I had to be their rock, it was very hard,I was hurting, but i persevered. Now i am going through it again.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I have to think about what is right for Phil. Wife is in her own little world.
No, Phil, you need to think about what is best for Phil's KIDS.
I agree with your assessment of your wife, by and large. It is what it is, and you have the advantage of it being a perfectly predictable behavior.
You win: you have convinced us your wife is nuts. That's pretty much a given when they're wayward. 600 posts later, we will concede the point. YOU WERE RIGHT.
The question is, what are you going to do about it. And 600 posts later, you're still classifying it as having to do what's best for Phil.
You say you want to go for full custody. I respect that, but what makes you think that you are a more fit parent than your wife right now, in the Court's eyes?
I stopped the I love you's since the other night I got a reply of the Why? Yes it has only been a couple of days.
I told you about the confusion of this matter.
Phil talks alot. Phil is torn as to what action to take. Go dark, that is nearly impossible with the kids.
Having cousin there made matters worse, because he would banter with her. At least that problem is behind me.
Yes, Jack, I don't use the B or the really bad C word at her anymore. I switched it to Jerk. Because a Jerk is a tug, a tug is a boat, a boat floats on water, water is beautiful and so am I.
She thinks she is saving me money by not living together. It costs more that she gone.
Puppy, you were never to post to me again. Then you had a good post until you forgot to shut your mouth at the end.
Quote:
You say you want to go for full custody. I respect that, but what makes you think that you are a more fit parent than your wife right now, in the Court's eyes?
No go away bad little Puppy. But I'll answer your question. Because I'm not the one pulling kids out of the house around midnight.
Craig, I don't feel sorry for myself. Please for the love of GOD, learn how to paragraph. Create space in your type. Use the Enter key. It's the big key on the right, it says. E N T E R And it has a arrows called undercarriage on it.
You newbies trying to join this dance just go pray for everyone.
Jack, your advice is being cluttered by everyone else. Storm, dropped network, parents that show up, power goes out, son has to go to bathroom, cousin is there.... etc... Clutter....
I need to talk to the people I need to talk to. It's JACK, AMYC, Wifey, and Brandnew day. The rest of you please stop cluttering.
