Your words Amy dear, not mine. I've read some of your stuff and you my darling know how to be wicked with the pen. Yes, I think I'm learning to keep my mouth shut with her.
The porch incident. I ripped up the carpet on it. It was something she wanted done before, but I didn't think it was that bad. Well now I do so I ripped it up, and I'm trying to figure out what projects to work on for this house. I don't want to get too involved or spend any more money on it. She said it did look better just bare. She wanted to know what I was going to do with it. I said I don't know I don't really care about the porch it takes time and money. She said well what about the money from the economic stimilus. The money we were suppose to pay daughter back with. I said I'm just trying to live. She doesn't need to know what I'm going to do with my money. I already told her I don't know what is going on with my job and I was banking it. She got a little pissy and left.
It's like this. I don't think she is listening to me. She only hears what she wants to hear. Then she changes it in her mind quickly. Part of that is my problem with communicating properly.
What I wanted to say was this. Since you left I have a huge financial burden. You wanted the front porch to big bigger and covered. I can't do that with you gone. I can't do it with what is going on with my job. If I get extended another year this fall I'm going to extend the porch and make it a deck. Then if my wife ever comes back she will have the front porch she always wanted.
No matter what version I would have used it would have been wrong. Perhaps it would have been better to not have brought the topic into a time and money situation. Because that just allowed her to take the conversation where it didn't need to go.
I should have just said. The porch well the porch may have a future, or it is in the planning stage. What do you suggest?
She did ask if I was just going to paint it. You see I didn't want to get into the whole conversation of extending the porch. I don't want to waste money painting it. I would rather just do it, and do it right the first time.
Kelly, you asked about my GAL. Full time student again. Cleaning this house. Converting the living room into a Pirate ship. I had to take off from doing my Karate me knees were aching. I have to start getting firewood, and there are other projects to do around this house. Shingle the garage.
However I'm just lucky to keep up with maintenance and cleaning. Cleaning three toliets is no fun. I thought my cousin would be to help, but he was a like a child. I would have to tell him what needed done. He still wouldn't do it, or to the standard I wanted. When you vacuum you have to move stuff every once in ahwhile. This was just a playground for his kids and a place for them to stay.
I knew it wasn't going to be a good idea. I tried telling him to work it out with his wife. Then he throws it in my face that I should have told him no. I said he could stay here, not his kids. I knew it was going to turn into a zoo, and then I knew I was going to get ugly. He never did dust the two feet of dresser.
Even one day I told him everything I was doing. He said he was going to cut the back yard with the tractor. Five hours later I got sick of it and did it myself. I just wanted it done. I didn't want to have to tell him to do something.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I talked to my Aunt and Uncle today visited them. Well they are her Aunt and Uncle. They are so in my corner, but there is no way for them to help. The cousin issue even got blown out of proportion.
Something must fizzle in her brain around nine. She was blowing up my phone because son wanted to play Pirates online. She needed to know the website. Then she needed to know the username and password. I let it go to voice mail and I finally answered the text with the username.
Because she texted. HELLO HE is driving me nuts, please call back.
I text the username and password.
Then I text again. Sorry he is driving you nuts. Try telling him no.
I'm thinking it's 9. You are still down your parents. Go home. I know she is down her parents because he has Internet access and she doesn't at home.
I wanted son to stay with me tonight.
Earlier in the evening she texted me that kids want to stay with her. I finding it hard to believe.
Now I wonder why at 9 he was going to play that game. Were my kids staying over and she was going home alone. I could call down there, but I think I'll just let the bee next alone.
She's never coming back. But I talked to my neighbor. Something was driving me crazy. I kept noticing weeds being pulled in the gardens. I asked if it was her. My neighbor said no, your wife comes home everyday and pulls some weeds.
Kids are staying down her parents. She doesn't bother to tell me. I call down her parents. Her mom answers I ask if the kids are there. She says yes. I'm thinking why did the phone ring off the hook. I said I have a right to know where they are. She says this is ridiculous. I said no mother you are ridiculous how you manipulate the children now put them on the phone. I talk to kids. I kind of give daughter the business for not talking to me and wanting to stay down her grandma's but not with me. I talk to son and he is so hopped on sugar you can not even talk to him. He asks if I want to talk to grandma or grandpa. I said no thank you.
I'm thinking they keep making everything easy on her.
Then I call wife and tell her I have every right to know where my kids are at all times.
I said I don't understand you. You just want to dump those kids whenever you get a chance.
She hung up.
I text her. You are just like you cousin.
I text. You blow up my phone earlier. You need to tell me were the kids are staying.
I text. You do not want to get along you just to be a jerk. Good night jerk.
You know I think I'm ready to do what I needed to do. Refi the house. Take her of the car insurance and transfer the car into her name.
I must refi now because if I loose my job, I will not be able to refi.
I need to pray tonight, and make sure that is what I need to do.
I should have done this the day she left.
I thought we were getting along today. We were texting back and forth things about the kids. We worked out a mini schedule.
No she has to go and play secretive on me. If I would have done that to her. Holy cow....!
All she has to do is talk to me and all of these things would be avoided.
Going to pray...
Why did I text her to ask her how are the kids. When she didn't answer I called down her parents.
She's never coming back. But I talked to my neighbor. Something was driving me crazy. I kept noticing weeds being pulled in the gardens. I asked if it was her. My neighbor said no, your wife comes home everyday and pulls some weeds.
You don't maintain what you know you're never coming back to.
And Phil - there are only a handful of posts across these boards that I would ever apologize for. I'm not a bullsh*tter and I don't pussyfoot around. That said, I'm still very much a work in progress. As are you. So get to work.
Can't pull the trigger. Called my car insurance agent. To take her off the insurance she needs to sign. She can either go in the office and no notary, or she can get it mailed to her and she will have to get it notarized.
I can't pull the trigger, because I'm afraid of what she is going to do. Will she come to the house and just ramshack it? Will she turn into a fatal attraction.
I called my loan officer to refi, but they didn't answer. I can start the order. They paperwork has been in place since the day she left. Why can't Phil pull the trigger?
Phil needs to change the locks on the house before she can remove anymore property.
She needs to swallow the big girl pill. Phil needs to give it to her.
Quote:
You don't maintain what you know you're never coming back to.
Why does she continue to treat me like crap. She is doing what she wants. She uses the children as bait all the time. Her life is one big secret. If she keeps coming back to maintain then why does she treat me poorly.
"Love is clockworks, And cold steel, finger numb, to numb to feel. Squeeze the handle, blow out the candle, Love is blindness." -U2
Phil loves his wife but can not take the immaturity any longer.
Phil needs to be in complete control and be calm no matter what she does.
Phils head is clear, but why is he talking in third person?
In the bible, do things happen when people ask, or when God thinks it's the best time?
And if they throw a fit, does God give in?
I'm thinking not.....I'm thinking things happen in God's time for a reason. Take this opportunity He has given you to learn and grow. You have to look inward and see what He wants you to learn.
And detachment - is almost a form of self preservation in my mind. If you don't detach soon, you will drive yourself nuts.
And I do take it as a good sign that she's stopping by to weed the yard. She still cares. You have to take the small victories where you can.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I did call her this morning. I said stop treating me like crap. I have a right to know where my kids are staying. She said I knew they were going to stay down her parents. I said no I didn't you last text said they were going to stay with you. Then at 9 you were blowing up my phone because son wanted to play pirates online on grandpa's computer, and you couldn't deal with it.
I just woke up, and you are going to make me late for work.
Sorry, I'm not going to make you late for work. You are going to make yourself late. I seen you do a thousand things and talk on the phone about nonsense. Stop treating me poorly. I don't care what you do. Just tell me where my kids are at. I though son would stay with me.
Well he changed his mind at the last second. Well I said I could have been consulted about it.
Everyone is making things too easy for her. The kids stayed down there because she wouldn't have to get up early to drive them down there. Ever think maybe I would drive them down there.
I said ok, I got a clue. Have a good day. She says have a good day too.
She just keeps getting worse. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. All I have to do is go to the court house and file for full custody. File for sole possession of the house. Call the loan officer and order the refit. Call the insurance agent back and have her mail the form.
She didn't move from the school district, so I don't she can even file for child support.
I need to call the sherrif and ask about the locks. I want to change the locks before I do any of this stuff. She is going to be a hurricane, which is what I was trying to avoid. Does it bring me any closer to my goals? Nothing I'm doing now is.
Focus, breath, hold breathing on inhale, watch pulse in scope, pull the trigger...
Didn't say you were. Point is God allows things to happen in His time, not yours. You are expecting her to come home NOW. TODAY. There are things that need to change with both of you before that can happen so allow Him to work in you. You remember - God change me.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
I did call her this morning. I said stop treating me like crap. I have a right to know where my kids are staying.
STOP!!!!!!!
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
She said I knew they were going to stay down her parents. I said no I didn't you last text said they were going to stay with you. Then at 9 you were blowing up my phone because son wanted to play pirates online on grandpa's computer, and you couldn't deal with it.
Again STOP! Was it her time to be with the kids? You don't have a right to dictate where the kids are! Maybe they wanted to stay with their grandparents.
I don't confer with my ex on every place I take my daughter. You are separated.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
I just woke up, and you are going to make me late for work.
Sorry, I'm not going to make you late for work. You are going to make yourself late. I seen you do a thousand things and talk on the phone about nonsense. Stop treating me poorly. I don't care what you do. Just tell me where my kids are at. I though son would stay with me.
AGAIN STOP! Telling her her she sucks as a person, it's no wonder she wont' talk to you Phil. You belittle her and every thing she does. I wouldn't talk to you either.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
Well he changed his mind at the last second. Well I said I could have been consulted about it.
She should have clued you in on where they were staying if he was to stay with you.
I do hate the separation of the kids tho. It's like you're the guy so you get your son, and she's the woman so she gets the daughter. They both need your influence.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
Everyone is making things too easy for her. The kids stayed down there because she wouldn't have to get up early to drive them down there. Ever think maybe I would drive them down there.
I said ok, I got a clue. Have a good day. She says have a good day too.
You've got to let go of some of the anger. It's not good for anyone. And you can't assume you know what she's doing. Or why.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
She just keeps getting worse. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. All I have to do is go to the court house and file for full custody. File for sole possession of the house. Call the loan officer and order the refit. Call the insurance agent back and have her mail the form.
She didn't move from the school district, so I don't she can even file for child support.
I need to call the sherrif and ask about the locks. I want to change the locks before I do any of this stuff. She is going to be a hurricane, which is what I was trying to avoid. Does it bring me any closer to my goals? Nothing I'm doing now is.
Focus, breath, hold breathing on inhale, watch pulse in scope, pull the trigger...
Child support isn't based on where you live. If you're serious about filing for sole custody you better be ready for the fight you're asking for. Are you just wanting a reaction? Or are you seriously done with the waiting/standing for your marriage?
If it's a knee jerk reaction because you're mad well I would reconsider.
If you've thought it over, and prayed heavily, and this is your answer then be ready.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Phil, Please slow down and think about what you are doing. You react so quickly and then put yourself in a position of trying to undo all of the damage you have done.
Let's take this slow.
I do believe that things like your wife going to your house to pull weeds gives you hope. So, you start to act in order to get a reaction, i.e. changing the locks or taking her off insurance. After all, if there is hope, then why not push it along?
Well, Phil, I am here to tell you it won't work. Anytime I acted in that manner (doing things to get a reaction) I usually got the exact opposite of the reaction I had hoped for.
Your manic calls and texts to her just go to show that you are not ready to make any big decisions. You need to live separated first! You may think you are living separated already, but you aren't! If you think you are ready to change those locks or do any of the other things you are contemplating, I beg of you to first try the other things everyone has been telling you since you first began posting.
GO DARK, Phil.
Do not call. Do not text. When she has the kids let her handle them. If they are not in danger with their grandparents then let that go. You have to stop dictating to everyone how things need to be. If I was your wife I would have given up on being able to satisfy you long ago. It is a horrible feeling to constantly be told everything you are doing is wrong.
I know that you feel that she does the same to you. But, you can only control you. So PLEASE change your end of the dynamic. Before you change anything about her access to the house or any of the bills, first change your interactions. Maybe you will get to the point where you do need to change the other things. But, maybe you won't. You are putting the cart before the horse.
Take this one day at a time, Phil. Start today. Report to us each night that you were able to refrain from calling or texting. Only answer calls or texts that have to do with your children. And don't bother with saying that she is the one that does the calling or texting. You say that a lot and it is simply not true.
I know this is the same advice you have gotten countless times. I hope at some point it sinks in your head. When you are not all manic over your wife you can be a pretty funny guy. I have to admit, I laughed out loud at the question about why is Phil talking in the 3rd person.
Anyway, slow down. Start with limiting your interactions with her. This shouldn't be as hard as you make it out to be if you are sincere about wanting to keep her out of your house anyway.
Phil, you are alienating her and her parents. Not a good idea if you ever hope to turn this thing around.
I wish you believed in counseling. That is not intended as a slam against you. You are going through a very traumatic time and it helps to have someone to talk to.
Oh, and one last thing--- I wonder if you can try something when you post. It is something that I did and it really helped me along:
Instead of just venting, be sure to write out things that happened as if you knew your wife (or the people involved in the situation) would be reading what you said. See if it changes the way you describe what happened. I know it kept me out of victim mode. I was better able to give accurate descriptions of events because I could hear in my head what my H would say if he were to read what I wrote. Does that make sense? It just seems to me that you think that everyone is provoking you all of the time. I wonder how the people on the other side would describe the same situations if given the opportunity.
