I want her to be happy I want to be happy I don't want to end it thinking if I just gave her more time I want to trust her I want to feel wanted I want for her to succeed I want her to realize that she is hurting a lot of people who really care for her I want to not be confused
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I haven't fully caught up but I would end the weekend showing her the best side of you. Be supportive, validating of any parting thing she says and most of all send her off to college as a friend.
Sometimes expressing myself is important for me as well. I know that what I just said to her is a mix of DBing and Backsliding at the same time, but some times i can't ignore my gut. I still have to live with my self and need to say a few things.
You are my best friend first and foremost.
Everything I do I do with your best interest at heart
I have given you all that I have, all that I am and all of my soul.
I can not pretend not to love you, from the moment I laid eyes on you I have been in love with you and that has grown deeper every day of my life, even on days when i have prayed not to love you.
if you have to hate me for this then so be it, it will be your loss, but there is nothing about you I regret.
You judge me based on what you think I think of you but you won’t open you eyes to who I am and how I really feel for you.
Go live your life, chase your dreams and find your happiness, but know I will be here believing in your dreams, Hoping and praying for my friends happiness
You have my heart always!!
She said “thank you” and I left the room, she is going to shower then leave and I am done speaking, not really sure what lies a head and I feel like I am without a plan and little hope
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
yeah the some truth part is about 8 years ago in college I was drunk one night and she tried to stop me from drinking more I got loud pushed her away and she hit a wall. horrible I know, that was 4 years before we were married.
before getting married I stopped being a drunk, basicly it was a college thing and I grew out of it. but that is the colsest in my adult life that I have ever come to an anger issue, and it is the only example she gives because she has notign else. I have never hit her, and she is far closer to verbly abusive to me then I to her.
Well, I've slapped my H in the face a couple times in recent months, and we both have said some mean, completely outlandish things to each other. I mean things that would curl your toes and hair right up. I'm ashamed of all of it, and have vowed to myself that I will never be like that again to him or anyone else. It's not the person I want to be.
The worst thing about those incidents is that they erode love and trust, and you have to work two, three, four times as hard to regain that love and trust, if you ever get the chance to.
I think that my H has said and done worse things to me than I have said and done to him, and he believes the opposite. Of course, we're both wrong. We BOTH suck.
The truth is that both of us (me and H) have never been able to properly process or express hurt to each other and it comes out as anger or disappointment.
Sooo..
What I'm doing now is trying to express my first emotion--hurt--before it turns to anger with calm "I" statements, like, "I feel X when you blah blah blah."
If he is mean to me, I'm trying as hard as I can to take the high road, "Please don't talk to me like that," or walk away.
Of course, I backslide sometimes, but I keep trying because I want to be an emotionally mature person more than anything in the world. And if I ever want a R that's happy and lasts, it's something I gotta do.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
one person is hurt so they say it, the other person becomes angery or sad for casuing the hurt, the first person feels even worse about.
this is how we delt with her EA last year and i kept feeling worse for being seeing the hurt it casued her even though she did it.
I think we did it again when she left. she was hurt and told me I was hurt she was leaving she felt even worse for it so she does not talk to me anymore.
we have tried hard to break this cycle but it never fails
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I asked her what she wanted out of life and her answer was a good job, kids and a H that does not think she is stupid, wrong, or can do nothing right.
we have struggled with this for 12 years, becasue or her R with her folks if I give 100% support then its good if I give 98% support or have differing opions, its becasue she is wrong and stupid. I don't know how to make her see me for who I am and not put words in my mouth that could not be farther from the truth.
It sounds like the message you are trying to put across is coming through in the opposite way you intend. How do you put across different opinions? Is there a way you could show complete support AND have a different opinion?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
these are all old issues she keeps vringing up and she has not given me any oppertunity to readdress any of them. but with new issues i have learned from the past and do handle them better. I know that in the past if we differed, I would try to presnt resons why things would not work one way or another, I should have been validating her first and then simply state here are my worries about that, and let her decided instead of always trying to be right. I also use to use "you statments" instead of I.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
We just talked again about D. I told her again if that is what will make her happy then we can do that. I asked her to think long and hard about it before she does it. We also discussed that it would totally separate our money and make us each reasonable for our debts and what not, as well as the fact that she would loss great healthcare. I told her that as a friend her doing well in school is the most important thing right now and a D would not benefit that. I suggest we stay M so that I can better support her quests at school as her friend.
That’s the best I can do because she needs time to explore herself and address her own issues. I think that now that school is starting it is time to back off a bit and let her fly. I am going to stay interested in school through, text, email and calling but we have see each other every weekend for about 5 weeks and I think we need a bit of break.
Hey look it’s a plan again
Last edited by JWS; 08/03/0807:53 PM.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
