Hey guys today was so great!! We had such a fantastic time, she was so talkative all day, we went to the movies and shared popcorn and a soda, plus she keep leaning over to talk to me and she never does that. She also mentioned that she thought that the movie from last week was very cute. She used we and us a bunch of time and not just with me but with some of my friends. She even had a strange but good dream about me last night and shared that with me. No R, L or M talks at all. Little bit of school talk, i let her know i was proud and supportive that seemed to be well received. Lots of listening noises from me.
One set back though, here goes. in the book Michelle talks about being nice to service people you interact with so your S can see that you treat everyone well. I have been great at this, in fact i have really enjoyed taking time to talk to random people and she has noticed that. Today was the opposite. A shop manager gave me a quote for work on her car that i felt was way way way out to lunch and over the phone I told him off.
When I hung up on him she was almost in tears, she was discussed at what a horrible person I am. she had this hurt look like just when I start to like you, you show your true side. I instantly went back to speaking softly and deliberately, I apologized to her a few times but it was not working. She said a few mean things and I let them go. I let it all settle for a few mins. Then I said i know that was out of line but please don't judge me or say that is how i am because you really don't see the person i am. When you do see me, you know that is not what you get.
I could tell she kind of agreed but it was at the point where my words no longer mattered. so time for actions. I picked up the phone and called him back. I gave him a very heartfelt apology, and explained that i felt it was to high, by the end of the conversation we were joking with each other he accepted my apology and said he understood my opinion too, and we parted way. i got off the phone and she looked at me and said "thank you for that" the rest of the day, she just kept on bringing up great conversation and i kept listening.
got kind of a half hearted hug as i went off to bed and she went to play her game for the night. I know we have such an up hill road ahead of us but tonight I feel great and will cherish this for a long time. I still have no expectations of her and know where I need to keep myself mentally so all is well for today. Except i need a cold shower, did I mention what a hot W, i have and that does not really help.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Things are going well, we are having lots of fun hanging out and she is still very talkative. I am feeling lots of stress, its so hard to see her with things going so well and still not be able to show her my love. I almost bit my tongue clean off twice because saying ILY seemed so natural, but i did not. I am so confused, she is so comfortable with me, how can she not what more, what is going on in her mind?? still no wedding ring
I am DBing like a champ and she is noticing, funny how patience is so much harder when things are good and it seems like it is unnecessary. Inside i am all mixed up, trying hard to suppress expectations while keeping hope alive, trying to block out desires of wanting her and thoughts of mistrust and anger all at the same time. crazy little world.
Even though i am mixed up, lots of baby steps. lots of "We" and "Us" and "our house" talk, and i suggested a few activities for the future and she seemed to like them instead of saying "well see or lets play it by ear" like before. she expressed a lot of remorse and regret about not going to that wedding a few weeks ago, she really felt she missed out!!
we are off to a BBQ with friends, and she is excited. plus the puppy is tons of fun to play with.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
she 100% acted like nothing has ever happened, she talked with all the other wives, she had a good time we all joked and told stories, she keep lookin ginto my eyes and doing that H and W communication, but when i rubed her sholder she shot back and when we came home it was straight to the game. she has me so confused and all i want to do is talk, i am going to try not too, i think i should just call the night over and go to be to leave her alone. at one point she was so sweet i thought who knows where this night could go.
Mans this is so hard, and its going so good, i don't want to F it up.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Every one at that party would have thought we were the happy couple we had always been, she even fooled me, that’s why when we got home and she instantly turned cold I was confused. I did not have to say anything she could see it on my face and she said here we go again.
Same old story about how I have completely ruined her life and I am such a horrible person. She just won’t drop her preconceived notions about me, and see me for the person I am. She adamantly said I can be your friend but I want nothing to do with this marriage or being your wife, why don't you get that. When she got to the part about the only thing that will make her happy is a D, I placed my ring on the bed and said what ever makes you happy.
I told her she was not treating me as a friend or seeing me for me, and that I felt really sad that she could not see herself through my eyes and know how I really feel for her. I asked her please leave the past in the past. I don't blame her for anything and the only way we can move on as anything even resembling friends is do it with clean slates.
Not looking good here, and I am not sure what I want. Can we even possibly hope to survive this with all this distance? She has so much stuff to work out on her own before we could possibly even have anything. I think that it is over and I don't know what to do now. I won't fight a D but I won't do the work either,
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
JWS, I'm so sorry that things went south! Did she maybe read or see expectations that you wanted more: "she was so sweet i thought who knows where this night could go"?
It sounds like she was pulling back from being so close to you all weekend, and then it escalated into D talk--is that right?
If you don't do the work for a D, I don't see that she will either, especially with her financial/school situation, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
I think the important thing to figure out is...what do YOU want to get out of this situation?
I know she is saying outlandish things that she doesn't mean, but every issue that our spouses have has some grain of truth, otherwise we wouldn't be here. If we choose to look at them like this, they're like gifts being given to us, telling us how we need to change to be better people. (I know, I know, gifts that bite hard ;)...)
You mentioned she was really upset because of the way you were on the phone with the mechanic. Have there been anger issues, or other things like that that you could work on for yourself? And I mean for yourself, not for her?
You wrote, "in the book Michelle talks about being nice to service people you interact with so your S can see that you treat everyone well." You did a good thing by calling him back and apologizing--would you have done that even if she wasn't around?
I found this thread a few days ago that I read, advice to newbies from old timers here. Most of the advice in it consists of--make changes in yourself, focus on yourself, improve yourself--these are the only things that MAY bring your spouse back, and the only things that will definitely help you move on and have a happy life and a successful M in the future with someone else if your S doesn't come back. I bookmarked it to read whenever I need inspiration, so I thought I'd post it to you, too:
*180's,GAL, Going Dark, LRT-- not tricks to manipulate your S into doing what you want or to show them what they are missing. They are...to save yourself and stop doing things that attract the problems you are facing now.
Make honest changes-- FOR YOU.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Yes I allowed expectations to develop and I think she saw theses. I kind of agree about the D talk as well. the anger issue hurts the most because I don't have any more issues then anyone else.
she is so intent on blaming me that she tells me and everyone else that this is a physically and emotionally abusive R, I have NEVER touched her, we have yelled at each other in heat of the moment but nothing over the line, yet last night when I asked her why she was shaking and kept backing away she she said it was out of fear i would hurt her. I was calm and soft spoken all night, I don't get it. I would have called him back even if she was not there,
she hates all these things about me some of witch i don't understand others I do, but all of witch are gone. she continues to judge me based on what she wants to think and not what’s right in front of her
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
yeah the some truth part is about 8 years ago in college I was drunk one night and she tried to stop me from drinking more I got loud pushed her away and she hit a wall. horrible I know, that was 4 years before we were married.
before getting married I stopped being a drunk, basicly it was a college thing and I grew out of it. but that is the colsest in my adult life that I have ever come to an anger issue, and it is the only example she gives because she has notign else. I have never hit her, and she is far closer to verbly abusive to me then I to her.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I asked her what she wanted out of life and her answer was a good job, kids and a H that does not think she is stupid, wrong, or can do nothing right.
we have struggled with this for 12 years, becasue or her R with her folks if I give 100% support then its good if I give 98% support or have differing opions, its becasue she is wrong and stupid. I don't know how to make her see me for who I am and not put words in my mouth that could not be farther from the truth.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
