The Wifey - Still working.

[The Wifey]

I have to tell you guys I am impatient and greedy at times. I want to slip him something and have him just get out of his fog. I know that isn't possible.

One really great thing last night. When he came home I was outside tanning. He came home to make sure the dog was taken care of. I said that I could change and go for a ride with him if he liked. He said ok!

I changed into my clothes so fast that I left my sandles strewn across the living room rug. We rode for such a long time and I was so very happy.

The impatience is this morning. He brought up R talk and how he is always going to love me and be connected with me even in "the worst case scenario." I told him I couldn't think about that scenario right now. That I was always going to love him no matter what.

It just left me with the scary oily feeling in my stomache. He went to spend time picking blueberries with his father for a while. I'm at the library to post here and then I am going fishing.

I just got the Divorce Recovery book and the Keeping Love Alive Cd set in the mail yesterday. So I won't be on here too long. I want to listen to the set and start on the book.

I so wish he could read the book or listen to the cd's. It makes me want to burst with how much I love him. But I'm being a good girl. I want this to work. So I just listened mostly this morning without reacting.

Today, I'm going to fish and then I'm going to see if the weather will cooperate and go to the drive-in tonight. The sun is out, so I might do a little tanning. I need to do laundry and some other stuff at the house. Need desperately to keep busy when I feel like this.

I hate feeling scared. I hate feeling like I have absolutely no way to reach him. Have to keep reminding myself that this takes time and patience. H and the M are worth the hard work and effort.

[Neilh23]

Kjo-
welcome to my world!!!!!!! We understand so much now, and we want to share it with our S's. However, you can't force anything...and patience is key. They need to work their own issues out too. As long as you keep up the PMA and keep GALing...you'll do ok. Remember what you've learned and put it into practice anytime you interact with your H.

Good job..remember, it's how you come out of a funk that makes all the difference...don't let it drag you down

[The Wifey]

I know Neil. He doesn't trust that the changes I'm making are for real. I have to keep on showing him and not get impatient.

I was so happy last night and I let him know. We talked about how the lake we rode around smelled different on the side where the sun was shining versus how it smelled on the side without the direct sunlight. It was the first time I've been able to ride on his new seat. It was very cushy.

I love him so very much that I can not falter now. My feet are on the DB path. I am doing better. The fish had better watch out!

[poet]

"welcome to my world!!!!!!! We understand so much now, and we want to share it with our S's. However, you can't force anything...and patience is key. They need to work their own issues out too."

Hi you two,

Just stopping in to say good morning. I've just read the last three posts, two from wifey and one from neil. You guys are doing great.

I gotta tell ya ... I'm feeling the same way right now. Don't know if ya'll have visited my Advice from DB coach thread lately or not, but I did call H this morning a couple of times. I'll put into my thread later, I guess. But one time I asked what he was doing. There was no TV in the background as usually there is.

He said he was just laying there. I guess he's working through his issues too. I just want to HOLD him and make him understand that we could get through this and it would be so easy if H would try. But I can't. I know that. I was calm and wished him a good day. He said, "you too." Jeeesh!

What are the THINKING? Why can't they just WAKE UP???


hugs,
poet

[Kiki1011]

I definitely understand what you said about being impatient. I just want H to sit down and read the DR and get the same things I got from it, but I know that will never happen. I know he is not in a place in his own mind right now where anything would sink in anyway. I also hate that feeling of not being able to get though to him or reach him. Hang in there! You have gone through so much already, I just read through your earlier posts. I feel like I can't handle one more day of this and it has only been 15 days! I don't know how you do it.

Nik

[The Wifey]

(((Kiki, Poet, Neil)))

Yesterday was weird for me. I did go fishing. Caught lots - but I always put them back. Then I tried to call H. He was still busy with his Dad. So, I went to a little place for a wet burrito. Its kind of a different burrito with a sauce over the top. Kind of a family tradition to eat every summer.

Then I went home. For some reason I could tell I was getting a bit overwhelmed (Probably because of this morning and him talking about the worst case scenario) and I was about to leave and go somewhere to sit and read when the H came home. You guessed it, big backslide. I was crying and upset and I told him I was just leaving so he wouldn't see me like that.

About that time it started to rain and he asked me to just sit there with him. So we sat in the garage in lawn chairs and he seemed absolutely bewildered why I was upset. I tried to explain why without getting into too much heavy r talk. I just have a hard time when he talks as if he would be fine if we work out or not. That I wish he would recognize how very much I love him and give me some clue that he finds anything worth working on.

He said that he does and that is why he is at the house. He still needs his space and time to try and figure out the cloud in his head. He wants to be able to come to peace with the things that hurt him and be able to let them go or figure out that he can't let them go.

By this time I calmed down some, but was still not doing very DB. I was going to go to the drive-in later but I really just wanted to be at home with him. So we laid on opposite ends of the couch and watched a movie.

I felt broken when I went to bed. Like I just wasn't getting this stuff very well. I'd been doing so good.

This morning I woke at about 4 am and just laid on my bed and cried really hard for about 45 minutes. I must have drifted off to sleep eventually because I woke back up at 7:30 to the dog whining to go outside.

I took her out and brought in the newspaper. Sat at the table reading and drank coffee until the H got up. He said it took him a while to get to sleep, so he'd slept in a bit. We both read the paper and sat there with coffee.

I went downstairs and did laundry while he ate a bowl of cereal. I just didn't want to sit there and be upset. When I came up he gave me a hug. He asked if he spent a little time with me this morning if I would feel better and be in a good mood the rest of the day.

I said that I would. So we spent some time just holding each other and then I gave him some individual attention, um, in a happy place. (I got some touching, but I have my monthly right now.) It was nice to be given undivided attention before he went and did other things. Not quite sure, but I think he made the connection that a little time invested made me happy the rest of the day.

He'd made plans to go ride motorcycle with his friend after 12. I told him to have a wonderful, mind-clearing ride. I got a very warm kiss and hug before he left. He also commented on the difference in me between yesterday and today and laughed when I said I hate these damn roller coasters.

He's riding now and I'm just here on the BB. I'm using the wireless where my parents live, but they are not here. I showed up and called them and they had gone to spend the day in Niagara Falls. Anyhow, I'll be heading out soon.

For now I'm good. I picked myself up and will be ok the rest of the day, because he made the connection to spending time with me and my mood. I see it as a baby step because he figured that out. And he wanted to invest the time so I would be in a good mood.

Yesterday he also picked up the DR book and looked at it some. I wouldn't say he did any hard reading. I asked if he would read any of it and he answered that he knew how he felt. I said that the book wouldn't try to talk him out of his feelings, but it might help him find solutions. He knows I've been reading and he saw the Keeping Love Alive cd set in the house. Not sure if that will go anywhere, but he has listened to me talk some about the book and Michelle's idea.

Who knows, maybe he will get curious if I can just stay on an even keel for a while. I've learned that when I am upset I can not just go back to the house. Instead I have to find something else to do or somewhere else to go.

[poet]

Dearest Kjo,

First, I have to tell you that I wasn't even going to sign in anymore. I just got on the board because I was bored. But this is not a boring board.

I went right to your post first because I wanted to see what you are up to. And, gosh, you may not know this, but from my standpoint, you are doing gggggrrrrrrreeeaaaaaat! Ya gotta believe, girlfriend!

I know these rollercoasters are horrible. I've been on one myself today and called the H, 17 times. Jeeesh! He's stopped answering, but I've still kept it up.

OK, so I'm a moron. Please hit me with a 2 X 4. Yours dear, is a sitch that I'd much rather be in. Your H loves you and it's obvious from here, by the way he treats you and the things he does for you. Please believe you are in a good place, even tho it feels like you are not. If you don't believe me, glance at my thread and you'll feel much better about your own.

(((((((((((Kjo))))))))))))

I wish we could talk via cell. I'm in the othre "group" now, ya'know.

poet

[Rob1231]

Yesterday he also picked up the DR book and looked at it some. I wouldn't say he did any hard reading. I asked if he would read any of it and he answered that he knew how he felt. I said that the book wouldn't try to talk him out of his feelings, but it might help him find solutions. He knows I've been reading and he saw the Keeping Love Alive cd set in the house. Not sure if that will go anywhere, but he has listened to me talk some about the book and Michelle's idea.

Who knows, maybe he will get curious if I can just stay on an even keel for a while. I've learned that when I am upset I can not just go back to the house. Instead I have to find something else to do or somewhere else to go.

Hi KJo, My best advice for you is to back off trying to "fix" H and focus as much as you can on yourself. He knows the book and CD are there if he wants to look at them - other than that, don't even mention them. That's pressure, and pressure tends to just backfire on us.

There are a lot of very promising things in your sitch - I think you know that. So keep that in mind and do your best to stay on track - which means working on keeping yourself happy, and engaged in life. In my sitch, I believe that my ability to do this - while my W was going into bouts of MLC depression - was a HUGE factor in saving my M. Learn the secret to being happy by yourself, for yourself - and perhaps your H will see that in your face and your words and your actions, and he'll start to wonder if maybe HE'S the one who is really screwed up after all!

You've heard it before, and you'll hear it again: Time and Patience!!! (((Hugs)))

[The Wifey]

(((Rob and Poet)))

Thanks. You know last night I decided to be as happy as I could. I bought all the stuff for soft tacos, one of his favorite meals, rented a movie and just kept myself very casual and relaxed. He noticed and commented on the difference withing 24 hours. I said I'm happy because you spent time with me before you went.

He said I spent time with you Saturday. I said yes, but most of that time was spent pushing me away. This morning you didn't push me away and I was able to be relaxed when you left because of that. It was a different type of together.

I'm trying really hard to be happy on my own. This weekend I succeeded in going fishing, cleaning my house which needed it desperately, and started listening to the Keeping Love Alive cd set.

I just got the DR book and I'm going to read and re-read it. I have to ingrain it into my brain. I need to make it second nature, so I don't just react when I'm with him.

(((Poet))) You can catch me on facebook and send me a private email. I'd love to be able to talk to you via cell. I really can use all the help I can get not to fall apart. How this is resolved is going to determine how happy the rest of my life is. I mean, I know I will go on and find things to fill my days. I just think my life will be emptier and much less fulfilling if our M doesn't progress or ends.

[Neilh23]

I'm trying really hard to be happy on my own. This weekend I succeeded in going fishing, cleaning my house which needed it desperately, and started listening to the Keeping Love Alive cd set.

I just got the DR book and I'm going to read and re-read it. I have to ingrain it into my brain. I need to make it second nature, so I don't just react when I'm with him.

say it this way...."You are doing your best to be happy on your own" Again, trying implies half hearted attempts. and remember, doing your best varies each day.

Kjo- i've only read DR once....being on here helps sometimes more.....however, i want to read it before i got back to school in september...