Wow Nature Girl - you sound just like me. Same thing, I appreciate he has depression (and is possible MLC since his Dad died) but I also take responsibility for being on auto pilot, running things financially, driving the R, but I also let him have free reign and wasnt clingy. He also dropped it on me and I didnt see it coming.
Purr - you have been really kind and giving in your posts to me too, which show just what a lovely bloke you are. I guess you are wondering if all of this fits your sitch as you probably dont feel that your W is depressed... but there are certainly issues around her aging and losing her attractiveness (and power) as a woman, she did alot of weeping, she wasnt making sense (that whole thing about you being in the top 95% of men), so shes not skipping through rainbows really is she, as I like to say.
I know you have terrible trouble reconciling that she threw you over for a potential new man, that must be upsetting. But, she may have a fantasy in her head that she wants to be free to date hot younger men, or whatever, but the reality is, shes now 46 and decent men are thinner on the ground. She may well wake up and realise what a fool she has been, when she realises this. Its one of those things thats so hard to accept - thats about her trying to fill a gap in her, fulfil something because she is panicking about aging. Its kind of like having plastic surgery to stave off the aging process, instead of tackling the root of the problem - coming to terms with aging and accepting it gracefully and knowing that there is more to a person than their attractiveness. Your W must feel hollow or desperate to have left you for this reason, in my opinion and it is in no way your fault. It sounds to me like you were the perfect partner for her in many ways, yet she is determined to go off on some quest to recapture her youth to make herself feel better. She needs T !
Ok, maybe I am ranting. But all of this makes me cross!
Thinking of you Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Smurf - I just wanted to say, that site was amazing, thankyou. I have read tonnes and posted already. My BF has depression and is on ADs. Well, exBF I should say :-/
Ali x (sorry for hijacking Purr!)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Just wanted to say hi. You'd be proud of me - after an incredibly rough week, I finished a big chunk of work that had accumulated around the time my W filed for D. I just could never seem to get on top of it, but I finally did so - through sheer determination it seems like 'cause I sure had a hard time staying focused.
I'm not out of the woods yet, but I think the worst is over. You should be glad that you didn't let your work slide so far.
How are you doing? For me, things have taken what I initially thought was a hopeful turn, but now I realize I was just reading too much into things and have slid back into that obsessing a little bit phase.
Anyway, didn't stop by just to talk about myself. Hope you're doing well. I know tomorrow is Friday and that's always a little rough for you, so why not go out to a movie or something? Or go browse through a used bookstore after work? I can't remember the book title, but there was a book I once read that was meant to inspire creativity. One of the things you had to do was take yourself out on "creativity dates." This meant to go do something alone - like browse through a bookstore, go to a museum, see a film - but do it alone and try to form your own opinions without checking them against someone else.
I don't know why, but I've started applying that to myself as a means to get through the D. Maybe it's crazy, but maybe it'll help heal. Just a thought.
I'm going to Scotland tomorrow so won't be in touch for awhile, but I hope you're doing well.
Hi Purr- I think NG's description of what someone in MLC/depression goes through is right on. As my C explained, this depression isn't the kind we normally think of where there is sadness and sleeping all of the time. My H admits he isn't happy. When he left, he blamed me/our M but now he is figuring out that the unhappiness is within him. He told me the other day that sometimes he is happy when he is alone, sometimes he is not. Sometimes he is happy with me and the kids, sometimes he is not. He is at a point in his life where he has reached many goals and rather than feeling proud of his accomplishments, he feels like "Is that all there is?" and he doubts his successes.
My H even told me (again) last night that he thinks he has death issues. I read somewhere that MLC is the point in life where we shift from looking forward to looking back. It must be made worse if the person in crisis has unresolved issues.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful posts. I really love hearing from you guys.
Ali, no worries re: hijacking, that wasn't even close to a hijack! Thanks also for feeling cross about it--I feel backed up by you, and appreciate your caring about me. I don't think W. is into dating younger guys...my guess is actually that she will go for someone a bit older than she is. I think she has a thing for father figures and I'm not sure I was really that way for her because I preferred an egalitarian kind of R.
lodo, good for you for catching up on stuff. I've alternated this week between getting things done, then languishing and procrastinating all over the place. Just don't feel like working! At least it's Friday. I was looking for your thread but couldn't see any new ones for you, so I'm wondering what happened with the "turns" you are talking about in your sitch? I like your idea about the creativity date...helps to re-identify what my likes / dislikes are. I'm thrilled for you about the Scotland trip, this has been something you've had coming up for a good while now. Have an amazing trip and I look forward to hearing about it on your thread when you get back.
NG, thanks for the detailed explanation about the MLC stuff...I don't think my W. has been experiencing depressed symptoms, not overtly anyway. But Upside, it may be more like you are describing, I mean obviously something was not feeling okay for her to suddenly up and leave.
I'm feeling a little better overall moodwise, not quite as down in the place of despair from a couple of weeks back. Went out for a drink with a guy friend last night and it was really nice.
lodo, thanks for remembering the Friday thing...yeah, not too excited about going home tonight, but oh well.
OD, I had a good visit with my folks last weekend. On the trip back, this girl came over and sat next to me and we talked for an hour...I did a 180 (for Purr, normally being pretty shy) and asked her out for a drink. She said yes. Well, I'm finding it hard to be interested in others when I still feel very attached to my W. but there you go.
((((Purr)))) You sound better! In fact you sound pretty good.
How did it feel doing the 180? And how do you feel about her saying yes? I hope it did a bit for your ego- you're lovely and she obviously recognised that!
Thinking of you. I hope tonight isn't too bad. I'll be thinking of you.
Yes, it was nice to get a yes...I don't know how interested I am, but I was experimenting with trying something different.
On the way home from work today, guess who I saw? Yep, W. was driving to her home and we passed through the intersection, opposite ways, at exactly the same time. (trying not to think about that as a metaphor). Anyway, we both waved to each other briefly. I can't know for sure, but it seemed like both of us were sad as we waved. Well, at least I was. I think my heart is still sitting down in my gut somewhere. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on any of my threads but I MISS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SO MUCH!!!! : (
Okay, well it's out there now in case no one knew or forgot. I feel like crap. Tea and a bath, maybe.
Well, end of the weekend, was okay to visit the family again. Though I really was aware of how many memories of W. there are with family, places we've been to where they are, memories of Christmas and family occasions together. Somehow her energy and warmth just left me feeling like there was a hole in our family, like it was dull and boring and I just wanted her to be here.
