Partner left after 9 yrs - yep, still depressed

[AliSuddenly]

Oh hey, my thread locked in front of my eyes there!!!! Thanks Mishka! I will drive more careful in future and its STILL raining. Heres my last thread...no expectations. Heres some of my last post...

So I didnt expect much of last night and sure enough, I wasnt disappointed. It was lovely to see him, I still fancy him! I found myself staring at his lips as he was talking, thinking about kissing him! He wasnt doing this to me, as far as I could tell. He didnt 'check me out' as Lisa would say, or make much eye contact so I got nothing back from him at all really - but then he seemed very down, agitated, tired. He talked about work and his Mum mainly and seemed kind of nervous and forgetful. So, bit worrying, as he does seem worse.

I asked him directly about the doctors (said he will go next week, with a look that said, I really need to), about his depression (said this work decision has made it worse and he really isnt sleeping now) and is going to be honest with his boss on Friday that he still has depression and her decision has exacebated it. I made a point to bolster him, I told him he looked handsome, his new haircut was great, that it was lovely to spend time with him, that I was amazed at all the things he had done to find another job and that he should be proud of that. Of course his depression batted it away, but not that he minded me saying it.

We had a big hug in the car, I enjoyed circling his waist and burying my face in his neck. Felt wonderful and we fell in together so instantly. Reminded me of a biology lesson (my favourite subject!) - about how antibodies lock onto antigens, one shape made to match each one, they lock around it in a perfect fit. But, I think it meant more to me than him and I am still worried about him going to a 30th party tommorow night (on the eclipse!!) as in his state he may hook up with someone to make himself feel better.

He said in a reassuring voice that he will let me know the outcome of the meeting Friday "of course" but then corrected himself and said in a sweet way, oh but I'll phone you tommorow anyway...and then he left and I cried all the way home, which was bad news as I couldnt see and it was raining really hard and I nearly crashed three times on the pitch black country lanes!

Well he didnt reply to my email today and hasnt called me either (he was going to a friends). But... I had a 2 1/2 interview earlier at a Web/Design company! Exhausting, but he basically offered me a job to start Monday, which I had to turn down as I had to be honest and say...I have forgotton how to program!! So I cant hit the ground running and it wouldnt be fair to accept, as its a startup and theres only 6 of them. So, hes setting me a real job to do from home but giving me 2 weeks to get up to speed and do it, and if I do ok, will give me a job in a months time!!! YAYYY !!!!

[One Day]

Ooooh, antibodies and antigens. I thought something on your thread was calling my soul, Al! (((((hugs)))))

Sounds like you did a great job validating yesterday. It sounds like BF is under a lot of extra stress and pressure and you're being a lighthouse for him. It seems like exactly what he needs, but I can see how draining it must be. I'm not surprised you ended up crying on the way home. I've been there myself.

Great news on the web/design company offer. You must have a great CV and do and fantastic interview!

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that BF's meeting turns out OK tomorrow, or better than OK. Fingers and toes, both.

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey thanks Lisa! I've got some solid experience behind me and the quals, butI cant believe how much I push myself forwards work wise, so funny to talk him out of giving me a job! But if I start work for him in September, it will have been a 2 year gap. Finally though, a proper programming job and as its so varied it will be pretty challenging. They're small, but they have some big national clients, so I am dead chuffed.

Feeling despondent about him. Its his meeting tommorow - on the eclipse and I thikn its going to take him away from here. I asked him last night, so you dont want to move back then and he looked upset and said, no, not really, not if I dont have to, but what choice do I have, I dont want to lose my job either...

I'm sensing that things are changing and coming to a head, but not in a way I would have hoped. He was even less receptive to me last night, if that were possible, like he was the weekend before. Gone are those evenings out when he was "with" me, putting his baccy in my bag, telling me whenever he nipped to the loo, standing by my side, starting R talks of sorts, saying not to blame myself...even that tenuous stuff has stopped now. Its like we are just mates...but it is wierd that he contacts me alot. But, hes inconsistent - he didnt contact me today and yet two days ago he emailed me 5 times and called me twice.

Of the few people who know about this, I think they're surprised that I STILL havent moved on but I dont feel inclined to, I still miss him. I am getting on with my life, I dont cry at home anymore, I fall straight to sleep, I cook myself nice dinners, I see my friends, I am career hunting like mad, buying new clothes (not inspired by him, just for myself)..but then I feel myself slipping away almost, like I sense he is.

Having said that, I wish he would just turn up now and move back in, like it was just a bad dream...

[ba065]

Congrats on the job offer! You must of knocked em dead in the interview. When the right job comes along you will know it and snatch it up!

Good job with BF...you have come so far in becoming friends with him again. Who knows what lies behind the next turn of events eh? Keep up the good work.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

BA

[RefuseToLose]

Hang in there, Ali. He still has a long way to go. Don't read too much into everything or you'll find yourself going nuts!

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

hey everyone - so today is the eclipse and he met with his boss and he hasnt really been much in contact with me for 2 days, but he emailed earlier to say (not much)...

hiya,

Yeah really tired. Just got out of the meeting. It was OK but really hasn't changed anything. She was more sympathetic though. How was your interview?

...and that was it. I emailed straight back to ask if hes ok and does he still have to move away in 4-6 weeks and he didnt reply. He's probably left for the drive to another town where he's on a 30th birthday night out.

Feeling sad and resigned. The eclipse fell in my 7th house and this is what it means for me from an astrologer:

It falls in your Solar 7th house, so the types and levels of equal relationships will be directly impacted. You may lose a Cancer/Leo person in your life, but I also have no doubt you'll attract another more appropriate to who you are now as opposed to who you used to be. Lunar eclipses have an effect measured in months, while Solar eclipses have effects measured in years. Perhaps it is the end of the old uncertainty, which is a relief in itself, whether it turns out as we wish or not. I suspect it's time for both of you to see the dance differently, so it's resolved one way or another. Your Moon in Leo on his Sun in Leo is a powerful contact that shows a natural affinity. The eclipse is a bit wide to be considered conjunct your Sun/Moon planets, but falling in your 7th it would show an old way of being equal or unequal is over, and you'll find a new way of shining your light in relationships that are more suited to who you are now than who you used to be.

...so why do I keep fighting it?? I guess thats it then, he'll be moving away. I'm disappointed that he didnt email me yesterday (only "good luck!" for my interview) and he didnt call last night and he didnt reply to my email this morning until just before he left work and then he hardly said anything above.

I know you say dont read anything into it Rob, but its frustrating. It looks like he is not so interested in me as he was back in May/June time, apart from that one weekend in 4 that I saw him, 2 weeks ago. This will be the 2nd weekend I havent in a row and I have no idea what he has planned for next weekend.

Time to give up?

[W2G]

Hi Al,

Just because the stars are telling you something or it's an eclipse does not mean you have to give up. This is your choice. When you are ready to walk away and not look back you will do that. I think keeping your focus on your self and your job prospects is the best plan for you right now.

Huge hugs,
W2G

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Where!
Yes, thanks for your kind words by the way about my work efforts! My thread locked before I could say that. I need to check your thread for career news too right.

There was one bit of positive in there though, which I already knew "Your Moon in Leo on his Sun in Leo is a powerful contact that shows a natural affinity." - becuase my moon and his sun are exactly conjunct at 28 degrees ish of Leo, this is what is known as a "cosmic marriage" - we used to joke to people that we didnt need to get married for real as this was more than enough and alot of M couples dont even have that!

[Purr]

Hi Ali,

Sorry I've not been around too much of late, but have been catching up with you now. Hmm...I think it's important not to draw any full conclusions about where things are at just yet. Sounds like you'll need to hear more from him, maybe ask him in person about the job stuff, his plans for looking for work when the timing is right. But he sounded like he was investing quite a bit in looking for a job locally regardless of his present job sitch. So, I don't think it's all clear cut just yet. Stars are important, but so is getting a more full story on the ground with him : )

Purr

[mishka422]

((((((((Ali)))))))))

My H is a Cancer. I wonder how accurate that might be in our sitch. I'm a Taurus so don't know if it would apply. It sure does appear that the door is closed (more by me than him since I'm the one pushing this through now to get some stability back) now especially since I am holding in my hand a first draft of our settlement agreement.

You are such a strong woman Ali. You are able to hold your head high and know that you are a good friend, amazing woman, and all-around fantastic person!

Keep up the great work on the job front. You are such a go-getter!

Michelle