I've always said I'm a renaissance man. I can kill the food, clean it and cook it :P amongst other things.
I knew the recipes and cooking instruction was flying fast and furious here, I haven't been paying close enough attention to know who was the beginner.
Wow, lots of good information in the last couple days! Your coaching session sounded great, and she had some excellent advice for you. It helped me, too. I know what's it's like to be a disapproving momtype at times with my H. Yikes!
And Continuing's posts on CD were so enlightening, and surprising. Not at all what I expected, and fills in more maybe where your H's head is. Good stuff.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I just wanted to start off by saying thank you so much for sharing that with me, it has helped immeasurably and it is also so good to hear it from the other side, not just surmising from my observations. I just had a few questions, if you don't mind, and if you don't have answers please don't worry.
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The traumatic experience of losing a spouse, being rejected and abandoned is totally different than the traumatic experience of having a chronic, and during a critical time period, potentially life threatening illness. I would have thought they would have been similar; a tough time is a tough time right? But the growth and pain that I experienced/ am experiencing through these situations is very different.
What is the difference in your feelings to approaching the two of them? The relationships pain and the Chron's pain. When you have a Chron's attack how do you feel that you grow? Or do you feel like you step back as it is something you can't control? After the first episode did you experience fear about it's return and what effect did that have on you?
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Im sure you know, that this illness is ugly and humiliating. I wanted it to be gone, I wanted desperately to be normal. Yet, this illness had spurred much growth in me; it was part of me and my story; if you want to know me you have to know IT. Talk about a conflict. I'm still not done working this out. I do not want to forget about it but I cannot fully embrace it. How can I integrate this piece of me that I didn't ask for into my identity without being defined by it?
Does that mean you have conflicting emotions about wanting to get away from that part of you and people who know what you have been through? Do you feel guilt about being a burden on the people who care for you? If someone said to you that they wanted to take the good times with the bad and live the good times and be there for the bad what could they do to show you that so you could accept it?
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It has limited me physically and I am just now learning through me current sitch the depth of those insecurities; my inability to do certain activities or sports (I never had the opportunity or the energy), my physical appearance (I on the thin side), the amount I use the restroom, these all have a profound effect on me and my confidence, self-esteem, or whatever you want to call it.
How do you deal with these things? What do you tell yourself? Or do you just ignore it, accept it and get on with it as my h seems to. (I am assuming here).
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Through my illness and now this sitch I am continually challenged with the questions do to like myself, am I good enough (enough is a killer of a word), and if I don't or am not how can other people like me or see me as good. And these are tough questions to face, so tough in fact that a person might run from them.
I feel like this is my h exactly. He even says he doesn't feel he can live up to my expectation. I think though this may be more about his expectation of himself as he has never asked me what my expectations are, he has just assumed. Is there anything I can do to show him that I don't have expectations of him, I have belief that he can achieve whatever he wants to, and whatever he wants to do is fine by me.
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You had said that you don't think that what you H is doing doesn't have much to do with his illness and that is probably half right. It certainly has to do with more than his illness but for me my illness never left my head. My wife would ask me to clean dishes and my first thought would be no, no, you don't understand I have Crohn's. And in my mind that thought didn't stem from the fact that I was weak and shouldn't have to do anything.
My h has this thing about keeping calm all the time as stress is associated with Chron's. He won't do anything to upset himself just in case. This is the one thing it seems he will do to look after himself. He doesn't seem to apply it to other aspects of his life though that I can see (again I am assuming). It feels like to me another brick he can use in the wall against me.
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I'd much rather spend my time with something that I enjoy and quite frankly I don't think that's selfish, I want you to spend less time on the dishes too, do something you enjoy, there will be enough time for dishes.
This really hit home, as last summer was the first time ever that things weren't great and while before I just thought that he couldn't handle this actually I just see that it was really bad timing. My H and I used to have so much fun, but with that and sharing a life together comes the responsibility of the house etc. I feel like he just doesn't want any of that at the moment and is blocking out the good times and remembering the bad. Obviously I don't want a relationship where I am exhausted by doing all the chores etc. But it seems that I can't win as if I try and take control, like in the recent mortgage instance, he feels like I am trying to control him and battles against me. Do you have any advice?
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It has taken much time and much self-reflection to start breaking that down and feel again.
I just worry that it'll be too late for us by then. I wish he'd let me share this with him. I think he feels he is doing it for my benefit to set me free.
Thank you so much for all your posts. They really helped me to separate things in my head and have encouraged me.
Well, it's 12 o'clock now and still nothing from h so I assume lunch today isn't happening - note the today I am not ass-u-me-ing that it will never happen.
I do feel in a small way that h is trying to test my buttons a bit as usually I would have blown my top over the text yesterday and him not responding to my email asking him to lunch today. (It is rude!!) however I am going to do nothing. I really had no expectations that lunch would happen today so I brought some things in for me to eat in case it didn't happen but wore some nice clothes in case it did. So the upshot is that I am sitting at work wearing my newish favourite top feeling happier because I look alright today so that is a positive.
I have checked the account and there is still no money. If there isn't tomorrow I will pay in £100 as I am not getting a bad credit rating over this which is just enough to cover things and just leave him in his cave/ funk for a bit. In a week, if I still have heard nothing, I have a small gesture planned. I will send him an email telling him I went to see Batman (as he told me he had gone to see it) and chat a little about that. I also thought I could offer for him to come and visit the cat one evening sometime and I'll go out so he can spend some time with her. I'll word it in a better way. He loves the cat and misses her and I thought it might be a nice gesture. It depends whether you feel that it might think he may feel that as pressure - it is a take it or leave it offer though.
I also think this might work because I think my h's primary love language is Receiving Gifts, so I hope that these small gestures will help to fill up his love cup
I am feeling a little frustrated and sad at the two steps forward 3 steps back thing but I see that it has to happen so I can reinforce showing him the changes I am making and also I am quite proud of myself for not letting it affect me as much as usual. I'm really really tired today though, emotionally I think. I feel I have got so much of a better understanding of things though this week.
I have checked the account and there is still no money. If there isn't tomorrow I will pay in £100 as I am not getting a bad credit rating over this which is just enough to cover things and just leave him in his cave/ funk for a bit. In a week, if I still have heard nothing, I have a small gesture planned. I will send him an email telling him I went to see Batman (as he told me he had gone to see it) and chat a little about that. I also thought I could offer for him to come and visit the cat one evening sometime and I'll go out so he can spend some time with her. I'll word it in a better way. He loves the cat and misses her and I thought it might be a nice gesture. It depends whether you feel that it might think he may feel that as pressure - it is a take it or leave it offer though.
I also think this might work because I think my h's primary love language is Receiving Gifts, so I hope that these small gestures will help to fill up his love cup
I know you're frustrated, but this is a great idea.
He's probably going to expect that you'll be texting him over the bank account, and it will be such a nice surprise that it's this friendly, really sweet offer from you. It's a perfect 180, way to introduce novelty.
He might not show or tell you this (no expectations), but I would bet anything it will surprise him and make him feel good.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I am not ass-u-me-ing that it will never happen.