Feeling Hopeless...

[Dom R]

Hey Everyone...

Dom - Yes, you told me so... thanks! On the other hand, apparently last night i was just being a b**** and i needed to stop telling him what to do. I told him that if he was doing the stuff on his own or even when i just asked that it wouldn't come to that. He didn't want to talk to me much last night. Another joke about not getting any (sunday was not that long ago... really now) and i went to bed.

Sounds like you're doing well, with the "firm but fair" approach.

I think as long as you both keep being firm... AND try to somehow keep it with a feeling of working with a "partner" rather than a "child", that he will settle down after a week or two.
(even though he's ACTING like a child...)

It's tough to keep it out of the "parent/child" level, I know... especially when they act like a child by being pouty
but sounds like you're doing well!
You might want to "reward" him with sex tonight, though.
Not only does it make him feel better about him doing stuff for you over the last few days... but good sex, makes a husband feel more like doing more things for you in the near future.
(especially if you mention during it, that you are feeling happy because he's been helping you.
If you ignore his poor attitude, and focus on the positive there, he might drop the attitude in the future)

So, there's a little insight into handling husbands for you

[ann25]

It's tough to keep it out of the "parent/child" level, I know... especially when they act like a child by being pouty

I think i'm doing pretty well with the not treating him like a child thing. He's just not used to me telling him what i need him to do. Normally i'm really polite and just ask. As much as i wanted his help, i never expected it. I think that now that i'm leaving out the "will you" or "can you" it's helping me get him to help.

I'm being cautious and not getting my hopes up because there have been times where he has helped for a few weeks before and then he just quits and get frustrated, but so far so good.

Not only does it make him feel better about him doing stuff for you over the last few days... but good sex, makes a husband feel more like doing more things for you in the near future.

Now, for me, not much has changed in the attraction/sex department, but i have gotten to the point where i can enjoy the sex itself once we get into it, so it sucks for me too when he's being an a$$ and doesn't get any...

and seriously, it was just last night we didn't, poor baby. Too bad for him that he doesn't get to be a jerk and call names and have an attitude and get sex too.

Here's my thinking on the sex as a reward thing... it's not so much a reward, but it is something he won't get when he's being a jerk and everytime he asks or makes a joke about it, that's exactly what i'll tell him. I probably won't be really good at keeping to that, but hopefully good enough that he'll think about what he says before he says it more often than not if he wants to "get some" hehe... no more "i have a headache" or "am tired"... it's "you were mean and said hurtful things, so i don't feel like being intimate with you right now."

Thanks Dom! ann

[ann25]

So, that goes to show my point. You will be blamed for the OM calling you! Your H is not mature enough to protect you. You gave him a chance in the case quoted above.....that was your way of letting him know that you were not encouraging that man to flirt with you....but your H was too stupid to get it! As Forrest Gump would say DAM doesn't get it!! So, no, he would not be happy at all finding out about OM calling.

My initial thought was how am i going to tell H and that was all i can think of. There have been other similar instances of that too, so my thought quickly changed to should I even tell him. If he asked me about it or something i wouldn't lie, but i don't think, at this point, that i need to come right out and say anything.

Hope you can get some rest tonight, sweetie. I know you need it. I say a special prayer for you.

me too. Baby actually slept during the night last night for a few hours, so that was nice. I appreciate all the prayers i can get!

thanks sandi! ann

[smartcookie]

<<It's tough to keep it out of the "parent/child" level, I know... especially when they act like a child by being pouty

When he pouts, you treat him irrelevant. You act happy, & play with the kids. Don't let him bring you down. Don't be upset that he's pouting. Just do your thing. Then when he's nice again, you treat him like he matters. Think of him as a child, since he's acting like one. Don't reward bad behaviors. If your child was pouting to get his way, would you be nicer, & try to make him happy. Heck no, you say, I understand you're sad, but you're not having a gallon of ice cream for dinner. Same thing with H.

<<Normally i'm really polite and just ask. As much as i wanted his help, i never expected it. I think that now that i'm leaving out the "will you" or "can you" it's helping me get him to help.

I think you should be polite, & yes definitely expect his help. don't enable him. I did it for too long, & it was a HUGE mistake. You know how you said you insulate the kids from him. That was me 10 years ago.

<<I'm being cautious and not getting my hopes up because there have been times where he has helped for a few weeks before and then he just quits and get frustrated, but so far so good.

Forget that. Act AS IF he is changing for good this time.

<< Now, for me, not much has changed in the attraction/sex department, but i have gotten to the point where i can enjoy the sex itself once we get into it, so it sucks for me too when he's being an a$$ and doesn't get any...

Definitely teach him what you like. Make sure he knows exactly what you like.

<<and seriously, it was just last night we didn't, poor baby. Too bad for him that he doesn't get to be a jerk and call names and have an attitude and get sex too.

He called you names ?? What did he call you ?

<<I probably won't be really good at keeping to that, but hopefully good enough that he'll think about what he says before he says it more often than not if he wants to "get some" hehe... no more "i have a headache" or "am tired"... it's "you were mean and said hurtful things, so i don't feel like being intimate with you right now."

You need to be really firm with this. If you waiver, he won't learn. Keep a chart if you need to. If he was mean, you don't let him touch you for 3 days. 2nd time he's mean, make it 7 days. So on, & so on. Be firm. Don't cave in.

Ann sweetie, now's a good time to tell you, you remind me so much of myself a year or so ago, I can't even tell you. It made it hard for me to read page 1 of this thread, because I wanted to go off on your H so bad. I wish I would have stopped enabling my H years ago.

I want to share more with you, but to be honest, it's super late, & I'm finally getting sleepy, so perhaps tomorrow.

Sex.....sex is ONE alternative way that couples can express physical & emotional connection. I think you're right that sex shouldn't be viewed as a reward for good behavior. I think you should have sex, when you want to have sex. I don't know that I'd phrase it as "you won't get "it" when you're being a jerk". I might say, when I feel unappreciated & that you don't want to help me out around here, I just don't want to be connected to you in that way. Then earlier in the evening try saying "this laundry has to be done, & these dishes need to be done, which would you like to do?" if he says neither, say "okay, well, I'm sure by the time I do both of them, I'll be too tired for sex tonight, so don't bother asking me". He'll get the picture real fast.

Remember, women have much more power than they even imagine. You have either forgotten how to use it, or you never learned before you married him.

I had it, & then H was so stubborn & strong about arguing & fighting, that I folded, & became a doormat. Then OM helped me remember how to stand up & be a strong empowered confident woman.

Be specific about what you want. Don't treat him like a child. Treat him like a 50/50 business partner. You are allowed to ask him to help, he's allowed to say no. Just remember, you have all the tools that you need to have him kissing your feet. You just need to find it. I can help you, if you want.

It can be fun even.

Hugs.

[sandi2]

I agree with what SC just told you. I do not believe in using sex as a reward/punishment tool (or whatever word would serve better here), but if a H looks at is as "getthing any tonight" I think he is either very crude or he simply wants the sex act and he is not thinking about the intimacy. It would be extrememly hard for me to want to have sex with a man that I have had to play "mother" to all evening......know what I mean? What's attractive about that? If you have to act like a mother....you feel like a mother....and when bedtime comes....you feel as though you would be trying to sleep with your son, and that is a pretty hard thing to overcome. However, a lot of men do have to be taught and I really like smartcookie's illustration. My H used to get upset with me on the when I would work myself down so hard during the day or evening, that I would be too exhausted to ML that night. I would be resentful toward him if he had sat on his behind watching TV or even taking a nap and then feel all ready for some action at bedtime. All I was able to do was "crash". So, there is a lot of mental and emotional feelings going on there for the woman. But I really do believe it is how we approach them and say things to them. Like, "Honey, I really need a man's help to get all this done." Or, "Baby, I really want to feel like spending some special time with you, if all these chores can get done in time. If he sats there like a dunce........then he doesn't understand very much at all. You will have a hard time explaining to him that your body cannot hold out to work all day, come in a do all the house chores, cook, take care of babies, etc.....and then be physcially able to ML. Unless he just wants to do it while you sleep.....lol. I thought it was the generation my H was in that grew up seeing their mothers do all the homemaking stuff while the man came home and his work was finished, but apparently, some parent fell down on their job of teaching your H what his responsibilities are if you are going to have children AND work helping bring home a pay check. Oh.....I could really get off on this subject, but it would turn into some real "male bashing".

Got to get ready for work. Have a good day.

Sandi

[Neilh23]

Hey Neil, How did you like that book? A friend of mine has been recommending that I get a copy of it.

it's pretty inspirational. i only read it once, about 4 months ago....it talks alot about loving unconditionally, and puts it in the perspective of the Bible. Personally, i like "hope for the separated" by Gary Chapman, which i need to read again. LOL. I've taken a break from reading those books. I'm going to revisit them later on in a couple of weeks. I want to be in a better place with myself first before reading them again

[Neilh23]

I'm being cautious and not getting my hopes up because there have been times where he has helped for a few weeks before and then he just quits and get frustrated, but so far so good.

coming from an impatient DAM...that's the most difficult thing to overcome. i don't think i'm as immature as your H appears to be, but it does get difficult when we want things to move along at faster pace, and its not. THat is my biggest problem. While i know that i need to be friends with my W first, i want more, esp. since i know that things will be better when we get back together.

Make sense?

[Racefan]

Hi ann...

I think you are doing great with your new direction.
Being firm yet caring seems to be gettin a fire lit
under H. The thing to remember is not to feel bad it
is a 50/50 partnership now true it's never quite that
even sometimes but you get the gist.

Speakin as a DAM, I don't see use sex as a 'reward' at
point, kinda like Pavlov's Theory. When he gets use
to his changes and sticks to them then reevaluate.
SC is right woman definitely have a greater power when it
comes to certain things hehe!!!

You're doing good keep with you path and hopefully I see H
taking off the rose colored glasses...

Brian

[ann25]

SC - Thank you. i agree with everything you said about treating him like a child and asking for help. I apprecaite the examples.

Definitely teach him what you like. Make sure he knows exactly what you like.
My issue with sex isn't so much H knowing what i like, it's that i'm not attracted to him. Physically, he's not the type of guy i've ever been attracted to, but everything else about his personality made up for it. He was funny and sweet and so many other things that i just wanted to be with him. For the 18 months-2 years, sex has been something we just did to meet a physical need. At least for me, there is nothing else there. there was a long period where i couldn't even stand him touching me, so when i say i've gotten to the point where i can at least enjoy it... that's progress. I think i need my H back to really want him, not just sex.

He called you names ?? What did he call you ? The night before last, specifically, there was no actual name calling, but he does resort to that at times. When i said that i was thinking more in general not specifically that night cause monday night is was more of, why are you being such a b about everthing? Sometimes you are so dumb. stuff like that. I did pretty good at stopping him immediately and telling him that he can't talk to me like that, so he says "oh, sorry", but then he does it again later... I've taken a lot of that, i'm not taking it anymore.

Then earlier in the evening try saying "this laundry has to be done, & these dishes need to be done, which would you like to do?" if he says neither, say "okay, well, I'm sure by the time I do both of them, I'll be too tired for sex tonight, so don't bother asking me". He'll get the picture real fast.
I'm trying to start small, just to get him used to helping at all. He's been doing alot to unpack boxes. Mostly only his electronics and stuff, but he is helping and i appreciate anything i can get. I'm rarely actually too tired at the end of the night. It's more about how he treats me that makes me want/not want to have sex.

Remember, women have much more power than they even imagine. You have either forgotten how to use it, or you never learned before you married him. I think i never learned how to use it. I learned a lot about how to put up with crap from my mom. That's actually what brought me here, i started yelling. My mom yelled. She was always angry, i didn't want to be her. I was looking at a website to find out about getting a divorce and found something about a WAW and thought that was me. It lead me here and I've been here ever since. I grew up thinking that the way my dad treated my mom was just ok. I just want to break that cycle.

You just need to find it. I can help you, if you wantyes, please.

thanks so much!! ann

[ann25]

Hi sandi, thanks...

but if a H looks at is as "getthing any tonight" I think he is either very crude or he simply wants the sex act and he is not thinking about the intimacy. that's exactly what he says... for example "looks like i'm not getting any tonight" those are the exact words... that's how it's always been. I'm used to it. There has never been a whole lot of intimacy. We don't talk about it or anything.
Unless he just wants to do it while you sleep.....lol. i don't think it much matters to him as he's actually done this.
I thought it was the generation my H was in that grew up seeing their mothers do all the homemaking stuff while the man came home and his work was finished, but apparently, some parent fell down on their job of teaching your H what his responsibilities arei can't blame him for who he became... His childhood was lousy. Both is parents did drugs and his dad drank too. With his dad, they moved all the time and lived in the car from time to time too. His mom had a revolving door of men when he was little. When he turned 16 and ran away to live with his mom, she became the mom she should have been when he was a little boy: doing all his laundry, cooking his dinner, etc... Once we moved in together, i took over. I just wanted to be a good girlfriend/wife like my mom showed me. I worked 2 jobs and did almost everything, but it's different once you have kids, i need help. I have to stop enabling him to stay the same... Anyways, i'm done "making excuses" for him as people say i do...

thanks again!! ann