Sort of dropped out of things for awhile...not much to write about unfortunately. Very little contact w/W. In the process of getting the house ready to sell. She's been civil about things. At this point, it hurts too much to have much of any contact. I'm leaving my job, which is good in some ways because it really was not a good fit and the conditions were very problematic. But it's another loss, which is not so great.
Going through the house to sort things out, clean up, etc., is no fun. Got some items from the safety deposit box yesterday that belong to her.
I've been feeling a lot of anger in the last few months, still mixed in with the sadness, sense of rejection, hurt, etc. She has acknowledged that this has been a very difficult year for me and that it has been a "tremendous loss" for her too, though she notes that our experiences of that loss will be "different". That really glosses over and minimizes it from my perspective. She is able to empathize about the pains of my situation in her email, but she does so almost as though she has not really had much to do with causing the pain. That makes me really mad. The difficult part is that I still care for her (? who she was/is?) and yearn for connection at the same time.
Lately, the anger has subsided somewhat. I feel frustrated about it all and resigned at the same time. I feel like this has been such a throwaway on her part.
I still make all kinds of assumptions about things and still spend far too much time thinking about her and imagining that she has no regrets, still is going full steam ahead, never seemed to once have any second thoughts.
I'm doing my best to focus on myself, but the truth is I think about her every day.
Anyway, not a terribly inspiring update. I just had to step away from the board for awhile because things were really difficult and haven't been feeling like I have been making progress, though at least I am getting feedback from others that I am, which is good. I just wish I didn't have to still hurt so much and miss her so much.
I've missed you and your insightful posts. Isn't it strange how they can disconnect from reality so they don't have to think about the pain they cause us.
I hope you have some new job possiblities in the works. I hope it will be a great opportunity for you to move forward and possibly explore some new endeavors.
All of the fresh starts will give you a new perspective and hopefully give you a chance to let go of some of your anger. Try to remember that what your W is going through isn't about you although it feels like it is all about you.
Please try to post more often. We are here to support you.
I read an interesting article about women, 42-44 that havent had children.. what your W did is pretty typical.. they flip. What is the point of me as a woman? Did I make the right decision? Am I losing my youthfulness/beauty? I really do see this as being about her.
Thanks for coming back and posting.. keep posting hey, we are all still here (and many of us are all still single, so you are not alone! Only Kalni's H has come back, and thats in body only and lacking in spirit, LOL, she would agree I am sure).
I am sorry you had alot of anger at your W, but maybe that is a good ting, else you can get depressed if you turn it inward. Its good that she told you that she felt a "tremendous loss".
Can you still not try and be her friend? (as I am doing and he is seeing someone else now!!!!)... is it really too hard? Seems a shame to lose her from your life if you yern for a connectin with her.
Also, you are young.. I am sure that somehow, love will make it back into your life.
Good to hear from you! Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks guys for the posts...it has always felt like a supportive environment here.
Upside, thank you for this...the process of readying the house has been pretty upsetting for me, so I am looking to boost my support. I guess that posting here can be one avenue for that since I find people understand a lot of what it's like to go through. Fresh starts, yes, I think I'm not yet in a place of feeling too optimistic about the future--almost like I am more fearful of it than looking forward to it. Presently, it still feels like a future without my W. rather than a future of opportunities.
Andabelle, great to hear from you too. I hope to catch up on threads...it takes awhile to get up to speed with where everyone is. I appreciate your including me in on your post, since feeling forgotten or excluded is such a powerful theme for WAS's
Ali, hmm, sounds like an interesting article. There are times when I can step back and see some of these things that you point out...it seems fairly clear--but then there are times when I feel like she is so right / reasonable in her handling of things that I feel like a dolt for two reasons: 1. I must have messed up/been inadequate and 2. what's wrong with me that I can't get it together and be okay like her? I'm doing less of these now than before, which is good, but boy I still get wrapped up in the sad-->angry/indignant-->questioning self-->shame-->missing her-->sad-->etc...etc..
I'm not in a place at this point where I could genuinely extend some kind of friendship offering. The best I am able to do is try hard to be civil and polite. I miss her, but having contact means hearing about her life without me in it and I think it just hurts too much still. I admire you so much for being able to maintain a connection with your bf...I have been following your story and am not sure how you have been able to do it. It might be easier for me if she was really struggling or something like that...somehow it's almost like a power shift then.
Glamgirl...yes, I'm still moving in and out of many different emotions. Part of it that is difficult is knowing that she has not been able to hear the anger or own responsibility...even if she would, it doesn't change anything I guess. It's very confusing to have so many different feelings toward the same person!
As much as I feel huge anger about it all, I also know in some place in my heart that she is a human being, not acting from a malicious place, that she is trying to live her life in a way that is best for her. Ultimately, that's the difference for me: in a committed relationship, you are living with a 2 person perspective in mind, not a solo perspective.
Not sure what I want to see happen yet, except that I am renewing my focus on recovery from the accident and getting physically healthy, and trying my best not to clobber myself endlessly about everything!
Fresh starts, yes, I think I'm not yet in a place of feeling too optimistic about the future--almost like I am more fearful of it than looking forward to it.
Sometimes it takes a crisis (or two) in our lives to force us to re-evaluate things and make changes...I believe more times that not, those changes are for the better. I know it may not seem like it now but you will get there.
I had an experience again today of something that has happened quite frequently for me...I wonder if others have experienced this? I did some work today at a meeting that went very well...nothing spectacular, but I did a good job. Then the meeting concluded and I was set to return home. I get this feeling of sadness and feeling a bit lost at the idea of going home. I think it's because when something positive like doing a good job happens, it was so natural for me to want to share this w/ W. Seems I still am not used to her not being here anymore. Do others experience this kind of sinking feeling in relation to something like this?
Also, I have been working at trying to find ways to let go / step around / move through / deal with / whatever to call it/ of my anger. I don't think it's so much a case of it entirely being gone, but of trying to let some of it go and reduce its intensity. I still get myself hooked in on the whole unfairness angle of things, but am trying to do my best to accept things for where they are presently at--and accepting doesn't mean liking it.
Even though my life has been very busy, I still find myself feeling quite empty and lonely. I've been out on some dates, which has been okay, but I'm not in much of a space to be in a relationship. And those experiences just seemed to reinforce how it is difficult (I believe) to find someone special out there in the world. I don't want someone else, but since W. has nothing to give, it's a bit of a nowhere land.
Okay, those are a few thoughts. Just wanted to write this stuff down. I feel a mix of okay / anxious / sad / lonely right now.
No matter the reason, the person to whom we were the most connected in this world has bolted. What you are experiencing/describing is normal.
I think they're lonely too, sometimes. X asked me if I made it to church today (I didn't). She then went on to explain how the message was about lonliness. Funny thing is she has OM, I have nobody. I asked her if she was lonely and she responded, "sometimes." (wtf?)
I now know why we had that conversation.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
You said.. "I'm not yet in a place of feeling too optimistic about the future--almost like I am more fearful of it than looking forward to it. Presently, it still feels like a future without my W. rather than a future of opportunities."
and I wanted you to know that that is exactly how I feel too! So you are not alone in that. And you are normal to feel that way still, whatever normal is.. so I dont know if you have people in RL who 'get' that you are still in that place, but its understandable that you are.
Also, re the empty feeling after something good happens.. yes, same here.. I get that too, or bad things.. like when my favourite 4 year old fish died.. silly I know, but it hurt me to not be able to pick up the phone and tell him. I got back from my weekend away and had that sinking feeling in the gut, nearing the house.. because he isnt there to greet me like he was so many times over a 9 year stretch whenever I went away to visit friends/family wothout him. Its not as vivid.. as he has been gone over a year.. but I still get it, yes, same as you.
Well done for dating though.. wow, I am seriously impressed! Its not surprising its hard and again, perhaps reinforces that empty feeling in a way? It wouldnt if you fell for someone of course. I bet your W would be envious and question what she had done if she saw you about town with a new lady on your arm and a big smile on your face. Same for all us LBS maybe!? We can but dream!
Keep posting, we are all in the same boat (single, missing our S)
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
