Last week i had a fall out with my dad. It's never been a good R, but it's worse now. People really don't know how to take it when i stand up for myself. Well, when my dad had some choice things to say about my life and family, i put him in his place. He didn't take it well and as much as i stood up to him when we spoke, i was pretty much a wreck otherwise. Kinda made me not want to say anything to anyone, especially H. Everytime i've spoken up, ever since i was little, bad things have happened so i just don't.
Sooo, sorry for the craziness that i brought here... and i appreciate all the 2x4s and support and advice and everything!!
Friday night i went home from work with some bumps and bruises (thanks ), but more importantly a new imporved plan and attitude about this whole thing.
Basically, i decided to give him one chance last night to step up. I got home and said hi to everyone. I started cooking dinner right away cause i had gotten home late. H went upstairs and Ds were playing in their room upstairs. D4 came and told me that D2 needed a new diaper cause she didn't make it in the potty. Potty training is a work in progress, i think i'm more ready than she is... anyways... I asked her to tell her daddy and he would take care of it. D4 came back a few minutes later and said that daddy said a bad word and told her to tell me. I went upstairs and told H that he could either change her or go down and cook while i do it, but that he needed to help cause i couldn't do everything. He said he didn't know what i was making, so i told him that the diapers and wipes were in the cupboard and to make sure to use her cream (D2 has super sensitive skin). Then i went back down stairs and finished dinner. Somehow, D2 got changed...
So, i've decided my problem is that i'm always asking him to do things. if i ask, i'm giving him a choice to help me or not. So i just started telling him. Friday night, he was being an a$$, rude and mean and stuff. I told him if he wanted to have that kind of attitude, that was fine, but i wasn't going to deal with it, so he could unpack by himself. And then i let him. He didn't get much done, but i don't really care. It was him that wanted it done so badly...
Saturday was better, spent the day at the old house finishing packing. day went pretty smoothly. H had a temper towards the end of the day and started yelling at the girls. I told him he needed to consider that as much as he didn't want to be there, that it was even worse for them cause they kept getting shuffled around the house and didn't have much to do. he needed to be nicer to everyone. he calmed down a little.
Saturday night, we were exhausted. Laying in bed, he made some joke about how we never have sex... First i reminded him that it had only been 2 days, second i told him that if he hadn't been such a jerk the night before that he might have had a better shot and that the last thing i want to do is be intimate with someone that is going to treat me like he did. He didn't say much.
Sunday, cleaning the old house cause we had people come in to look at it that night. I have a set of shelves in my house that held some keepsakes from our wedding: ring bearer pillow, cake topper, unity candle, etc... I was wrapping up a vase that we used at the wedding and H said that he was surprised that i even wanted to keep it. (kinda jokingly) I asked him why i wouldn't and he said that why would i want to keep something that reminded me of that day. he said that i wasn't even happy. I told him that wasn't true and that his little joke wasn't very funny. He said it is true, you obviously haven't been too happy about it. (at this point he's sounding somewhat sarcastic and a little like he was trying to make me feel bad) so i asked him why he was doing that? I asked him why he wanted to ruin a perfectly good day by talking like that. H just shrugged and didn't talk to me for a little while. Later he said, well, i hope you know i was happy that day. I told him i was happy then too. He got over it, i guess and we finished.
H was determined to stack all our boxes last night before bed, so i got started and he was still laying down, so i told him he needed to get up and help because this was his idea anyways. He said he was sore. I told him i was too, but whining wasn't going to get the boxes moved and he needed to get up. He did and helped. He went to bed a little grumpy, but he'll get over it.
There were a couple times over the weekend he asked why i was mad or why i wasn't being nicer and i just told him it's not that i'm not being nice, it's just that i need help and that i can't just keep doing everything myself.
Never got around to making a chore list, but i'll try this week.
Overall, i feel good about the weekend. I think it went ok. Not perfect, but ok!
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
ok... so I have a problem and could use some help/advice.
as you know, OM was an online thing...
When H found out, i delete my email (no notice to OM) and changed my cell phone number. I have since changed jobs and moved... well, i just had a message on my work phone from OM. I was at lunch. Luckily it said he was just looking for an old friend and wasn't sure if he'd contacted the right person and if not, he was sorry... blah blah blah... My voicemail is automated, first name only, so there is nothing to say it was me specifically.
Anyways, not sure how he got my number or why, but it's a little weird.
In my gut, i say don't tell H, pretend it never happened cause saying something will do more harm than good. Part of me says, be honest. I fear that H will really freak out if i do. I'm thinking OM will assume he got the wrong number and never call again... wishful thinking?
HELP...
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
D4 came and told me that D2 needed a new diaper cause she didn't make it in the potty. [...] I asked her to tell her daddy and he would take care of it. D4 came back a few minutes later and said that daddy said a bad word and told her to tell me. I went upstairs and told H that he could either change her or go down and cook while i do it, but that he needed to help cause i couldn't do everything. He said he didn't know what i was making, so i told him that the diapers and wipes were in the cupboard and to make sure to use her cream (D2 has super sensitive skin). Then i went back down stairs and finished dinner. Somehow, D2 got changed...
WOOHOOO!!!! YOu've got it!!!
and.. see how well he responded to it?
ooo.. aah.. i'm feeling a great big "I told you so" moment... must.. resist... oops.. too late
Ya see? The biggest obstacle for you to have a better marriage, and relationship with your husband... was simply for you to stand up and TELL him(firmly) what you needed from him!
I think that if you just keep on doing exactly what you did today, you are going to be feeling like one happily married woman in a month or two.
Keep it up! Red-flag what happened today in a notebook or something, and come back to it, any time you feel discouraged in the future
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
When H found out, i delete my email (no notice to OM) and changed my cell phone number. I have since changed jobs and moved... well, i just had a message on my work phone from OM. I was at lunch. Luckily it said he was just looking for an old friend and wasn't sure if he'd contacted the right person and if not, he was sorry... blah blah blah...
.... In my gut, i say don't tell H, pretend it never happened cause saying something will do more harm than good. Part of me says, be honest. I fear that H will really freak out if i do. I'm thinking OM will assume he got the wrong number and never call again... wishful thinking?
Oh wow... that's tough. It's... odd/surprising/frustrating.. that whenever we seem to have overcome one challege in our marriage... another challenge or temptation somehow falls in our laps right then. (I got a few today. I reaaaally didnt need temptation today. sigh.)
I think that you need to face this. Here's what *i* would suggest.
Take it to your husband. Today. Tell him that OM somehow found your work number. Tell him that you really never want to talk to OM again. You would like it if you would protect you from him, and ask him to tell OM to leave you alone. Or if he prefered, that you would call him back, with your H listening, and tell him to never talk to you again. Be prepared to play back the voicemail to your H. He may, or may not, want to hear it. If he does, it should help him that you are not hiding anything from him.
If you dont deal with this... it will only get worse. the OM may track you down in other areas of your life. then not only will you have to deal with that, but you'll have to deal with why you didnt tell your H about the FIRST time he contacted you.
Yes, your H WILL be shaken by this. a lot. be prepared to "make nice" with him, and reassure him Any Way You Can. (every way you can? ) Expect that it may take a week for him to get this out of his mind. Maybe less, if you "help" him.
ugh. i'm going to try NOT to rant/vent about ..... ugh.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
ok... so I have a problem and could use some help/advice.
as you know, OM was an online thing...
When H found out, i delete my email (no notice to OM) and changed my cell phone number. I have since changed jobs and moved... well, i just had a message on my work phone from OM. I was at lunch. Luckily it said he was just looking for an old friend and wasn't sure if he'd contacted the right person and if not, he was sorry... blah blah blah... My voicemail is automated, first name only, so there is nothing to say it was me specifically.
Anyways, not sure how he got my number or why, but it's a little weird.
In my gut, i say don't tell H, pretend it never happened cause saying something will do more harm than good. Part of me says, be honest. I fear that H will really freak out if i do. I'm thinking OM will assume he got the wrong number and never call again... wishful thinking?
HELP...
ann
Hi Ann, if it were me, I would not tell H. You didn't do anything wrong. I would ignore OM, & he will go away.
I'm just reading your thread now, but wanted to answer this promptly.
Take care.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ann, I know the men will not understand where we WAW's or almost WAW's that had an on line EA are coming from when this is said. I agree with smartcookie. Due to the immaturity of your H and as rocky as things are right now......I am afraid that it would add gas to the fire. When H's don't behave as though they have truly forgiven the W, then it is my belief that they will jump on the idea that you did something to encourage the OM. Then he will use that as an excuse to want a D.
I know that a lot of LBS, especially, will jump on this with both feet and say that we are telling you to lie to your H, etc. That is not where I'm coming from and I don't think SC is either. What would worry me is how are people able to get a cell number???
I remember one of the people that helped me the most when I first came on board, and at that time was still contacting my OM, told me that after I stopped contact that he may try it again later after he had gone through his other sources of women on line. She made me realize that I was his drug of choice and when he couldn't find it anywhere else, he would come back to see if I was interested. I did not want to believe her b/c I was so convinced my OM was different. (Yeah, right!)
So, it sounds to me that this is what has happened in your case. I agree that if you totally ignore it, that he will give up. I know you won't respond to OM, and he will know that you aren't interested anymore......and I think you are having too many problems with your H for him to handle this right now. Sorry if others think this is beging deceptive.........and if the MR was as strong as it needs to be to handle this, then I would say, yes go to H and tell him. But, he seems to be looking for an excuse to D you.
If the OM calls you back or contacts you at your place of work....then you may have no choice but to go to your H and tell him that OM is pursuing you and you had nothing to do with it. I don't know how far this OM would push it. If he is the "stalker" type, then I would not allow him any more room after this first attempt to reach you.
Does anyone know how one gets a cell phone number? I thought you had to give it out. That is scary.
Just a word to you any men that have been giving Ann a hard time. I know this is your way of trying to "help" her, but some of you gave me the same hard time, and I can tell you that you need to back off! She is a very young, hard working mother and wife that has an immature H, and is trying to hold down a job along with raising her kids and doing everything a SAHM would have to do at night. Unless you have gone through that personally, then I suggest you be a little more gentle and supporting with words of encouragement. I know when I was constantly being told that I was acting like a victum and that I was just giving more excuses.......I had had it! I did not want any more contact with the posters that was giving me that daily crap. She doesn't need that. It is easy for you to sit and tell somebody how to do everything you think they shoulc be doing, but you are not walking in her shoes and you do not have the sheer exhaustion that she does. Back off of her if you can't encourage her. And....giving a list of asignments is not encouragement. I will tell you as a women that did the same thing......you may be talking from the POV as a LBS, but you don't know what we are going through either. To tell us that we are not trying hard enough and that we are just giving excuses......that is BS. Just staying in the M with a man that acts like our H's act is hard enough, so get off your high horses. Oh yeah, you feel better when you can put the WW down, don't you? You think you are helping.....well, you aren't. You know why? B/c I found out the hard way that no matter what we WW's do or how hard we try.....you will always find fault with us. We will never be able to do what you think is good enough. I think some want us to pay for what we did for the rest of our lives. I know all LBS on the board are not that way........thank God! But there a some that doesn't know when to let up on a person! Everytime she tries to "explain" or give a "reason"....it's an excuse!
Well, Ann, honey.....I got the same treatment, so don't let it get you down. When you get enough of this stuff, tell anyone that you don't want to post to you to leave you alone. Nobody, but nobody knows how it is for a WW to come here and face the LBS, and for us to try to do what we know is right and to try to make a bad M better while our H's lay on their backsides.
Anyway, Ann, you know I understand and don't let these guys get to punching you out too much before you call in the troops. Some people have all the answers to YOUR M problems, but can't fix their own.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ann- I've just read up on your sitch, and i feel bad that some of us LBS are giving you grief. YOu don't deserve it, esp. since my WAW is in the same position....she's working and (as much as it kills me) the kids stay with her overnite. I admire your courage for finally saying enough. It's a tough boat to be in, esp. when everyone is blaming you for leaving. At least that the experience my W is getting. I'm actually at the point (sometimes anyways) where i love my W even more because she had that courage, and in reality, it'll help both of us to become a better person....and give our M a chance to survive, because its past incarnation wouldn't've.
As for the OM, from a LBH, it's probably better not to tell him that he called your work. I read a book titled "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat, and in it, it said to the LBH it's ok to just know that it happened, but no details, because us guys get all aggrevated over the details and upset, etc.
just by 2 cents.
stay strong..
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Dom - Yes, you told me so... thanks! On the other hand, apparently last night i was just being a b**** and i needed to stop telling him what to do. I told him that if he was doing the stuff on his own or even when i just asked that it wouldn't come to that. He didn't want to talk to me much last night. Another joke about not getting any (sunday was not that long ago... really now) and i went to bed.
On OM thing - i'll see if anyone else agrees with you, but I don't think i'm going to tell him. I already deleted the message - Gut reaction. As it is now, i can't leave the house without him wondering what i'm doing. my biggest concern is that he'll think i've been talking to OM this whole time and that I'm telling him cause i'm afraid i'll get caught. There was one time when a guy was flirting with me while we were out and walked away as H walked up. I told H and said that i was glad he was back cause that guy was bothering me. He got all upset and said he was "sorry" he interrupted us, maybe i'd like to go talk to him... He made comments about catching us... It took me about 2 weeks to get him to stop making comments about me wanting to go back and talk to that guy. that was before the EA... i can't even imagine now...
SC - Thanks for stopping by. I am amazed by you. Everything you've been through is rough, but not only that, but you are fixing your M. I do think that OM will go away if i don't contact him. I look forward to more from you... from the question on your thread... I had my baby a couple months ago!
Sandi - i absolutely adore you... i know that you know what i'm feeling and I was actually expecting what i got partially because of your thread. I remember when you were just done with everyone saying that you weren't doing enough. It's hard to think that he's not doing anything and here we are, in trouble for not doing enough... I can normally take a lot and have a pretty thick skin, but it was just a really rough week. He called my work number, not my cell phone although i do think that there is a way to find people's cell numbers if you try hard enough. I agree that OM probably looked around for other people and then figured he'd give me a shot again. He probably called my old job and asked if they knew where i went to get this number. It's been almost a year since i've talked to him. If he really wanted me for me, he could have found me before now. I think he'll go away. If he tries to contact me again, i will probably take Dom's advice, but as it stands now, i think i'll just let it go. I actually forgot about it last night. I do know that from time to time, i'll need a 2x4, i'd just prefer not to have the whole forest fall on me. Thank you!
Neil - Hi I appreciate the encouragement. It's funny, cause before my EA, i was the LBS. I told my H ILYBNILWY, but that i wanted to fix it and he said that i had to gaurantee him that we'd be ok or he wanted a D, so i know how that part feels too. He just wanted to walk away. I honestly think he was just looking for a reason. I begged and pleaded and cried and then after a couple months i gave up. I met OM and he gave me all the words that i had been missing in my M and filled the void that i felt when my H said he wanted out. I can't imagine how it feels to try to help a WAW when a lot of times it seems like they have lost their minds. I appreciate that i've never been judged and blamed here. That's more than i can say for other aspects of my life.
How is that book? I'm looking to get into a new one!
Hi tomato!!
thanks all!!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I told H and said that i was glad he was back cause that guy was bothering me. He got all upset and said he was "sorry" he interrupted us, maybe i'd like to go talk to him... He made comments about catching us... It took me about 2 weeks to get him to stop making comments about me wanting to go back and talk to that guy. that was before the EA... i can't even imagine now...
So, that goes to show my point. You will be blamed for the OM calling you! Your H is not mature enough to protect you. You gave him a chance in the case quoted above.....that was your way of letting him know that you were not encouraging that man to flirt with you....but your H was too stupid to get it! As Forrest Gump would say DAM doesn't get it!! So, no, he would not be happy at all finding out about OM calling. I'm glad you told me it was the work number. I could not imagaine how he would find the cell number.
Well, got to get back to work. Just came in for a bite to eat. Hope you can get some rest tonight, sweetie. I know you need it. I say a special prayer for you.
Love, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was at lunch. Luckily it said he was just looking for an old friend and wasn't sure if he'd contacted the right person and if not, he was sorry... blah blah blah... My voicemail is automated, first name only, so there is nothing to say it was me specifically. 
thanks! On the other hand, apparently last night i was just being a b**** and i needed to stop telling him what to do. I told him that if he was doing the stuff on his own or even when i just asked that it wouldn't come to that. He didn't want to talk to me much last night. Another joke about not getting any (sunday was not that long ago... really now) and i went to bed.