My guess is that you are more than healthy enough to handle "seeing" the OW.
But that doesn't mean that you have any desire to socialize or become great friends.
And I'm with you on this issue, though I suspect that to a certain extent we are picking at nits on this one.
I have seen the man that my ex is currently living with. My boys have been to his house where she now lives and have stayed there. Based on their reports, he is a nice enough guy. As far as I can tell from what they've said, he has never been inappropriate in his dealings with them. At this point, that is all I require.
My ex and her OM came this past year to see my S16 play baseball. She asked me if it was ok to bring him. My reply was that I had no problem with it, but that she should not expect to socialize with me while he was in her company. And she respected my wishes.
The truth of the matter is that this man is a liar, a manipulator, and an adulterer. My problems with him are because of the man he is, not that he is with my ex. At a vulnerable time (following her suicide attempt) he wooed her into his life by telling her that he had never married (age 49) because he had never met anyone better than she (they met when she was 16, over 26 years ago). She bought it and thinks he is a wonderful godly man.
Well this godly man carried on a 500 mile adulterous relationship with a woman who was married for over 20 years, had two boys - one still at home, and who had just been released from in patient care for a suicide attempt. He KNEW all of these things. I know he knew because I TOLD him these things.
He later allowed her to break her promise to her youngest son to NOT leave our area until he graduated. He allowed her to break her promise to spend a Thanksgiving with her boys by sneaking out of the state to be with him.
This is NOT a good man, despite the face he puts on to my ex.
And yes, it pisses me off that my boys have to spend time with him.
So, I know where you're coming from, and I think it's all good. In your time, and in my time, we will be ready to be amiable to these people, not before.
It is not a sign of weakness and it is not a sign of being too attached to our situation.
Sometimes it's just a matter of right and wrong.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Just because the people are still with OP, it doesn't mean that they were available when they got together. It might mean they are too afraid to face what they did, it could mean that they are too weak to spend some time alone.
Maybe the OP/R continues b/c H they refuse to look at the original pain possibly from their own childhood/past they live in denial and seek to medicate themselves from these looming issues of their past I dont know maybe for some H its too late..they think they are in love or addicted to Op and do not want to face pain of breakup
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
While it may be true that they might not wanted to face what they did or were too weak to spend time alone, the fact that they took off their clothes, got in bed and had sex with OP means they made themselves available.
I don't understand the often prevailing notion that the other person has nothing to do with our situations.
While it is true that if our spouse had not CHOSEN to stray, the situation would not have occured, the other person is not blameless in these stories.
Occasionally there is deception on the part of our spouses, and I understand that.
And I definitely agree that if we are obsessing about the other person, we are wasting valuable energy that would be much better devoted to something that would help US.
But all that being said, the other person is NOT an innocent.
And having bad feelings towards that person who CHOSE to commit adultery, but who then gets to be a part of our childrens lives, is NOT unreasonable.
My ex's OM should NEVER have had the opportunity to even KNOW my children, let alone spend quality time with them. Yes, it is my spouse who walked away to him, and I accept that he is who she has chosen to be with and therefore my children will spend time with him. But I don't have to like it. I don't even have to like him.
The key is that I ACCEPT what is.
How I personally feel about that slime ball piece of garbage that my ex chose makes no difference. The fact that I will never think kindly of him or have any desire to be amiable to him does NOT mean that I have an unhealthy situation on my hands.
It simply means that some people do not deserve my friendship.
And THAT is MY humble opinion on the matter.
Let me close by saying that I never, I repeat NEVER give this man one minutes thought in my day. Only at a time like this, when the conversation turns in that direction, do I even consider his existence. And I am quite ok with my sons visiting their mother, even though OM will be there. I encourage them to have a good time, and I never say anything negative about either of them.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
All situations are different, so I respect your right to handle it as you see fit.
As for OP, my counselor once said to me that only my wife made a vow to me. Of course, OM knew what he was doing. What I see going on around here is to make the OP the bogeyman and relive the wayward spouse of guilt because of their MLC. My wife was being a slimeball when she went off with a known philanderer.
The real point to the whole discussion however is if one lets something or someone bother them, they will every time. And who does it hurt. Not them. We can all make a decision not to let someone or something bother us.
Imp, I understand what you are saying, I truly do.
BUT...like Bill said, we will all get there in our due time. It' not time yet for me. And I am not talking about running in to her by accident...I don't know how I would react to that. But the sporting activity would not be by accident as H plans to tell me if she's coming...therefore it takes the element of surprise out, right ?!
There is much to think about here. And I will. I know that it was my H who took the vows. But there is also something called RESPECT, and that is where ow showed NO respect to the fact that she went off with someone's husband. So, if she's guilty of anything it's of not having had any respect for 'a marriage'.
The little evil voice in me, can only hope that one day she will hurt as much as I have, when another ow walks into their lives...yet I know that it will not take away the pain that I have had.
This is difficult. And for those of you who have read my thread for a long time...My H is the type of person who would love nothing more than for me and ow to become great friends and pals so that he can spend more time over here, WITH her. I do not want such a life. It's something I have no interest in.
So...I think I will just see how life unveils itself to me, and not worry about all the 'what if's'
Thanks for all your insightful posts !
Last edited by Cinderellaman; 07/28/0807:45 AM.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
My H is the type of person who would love nothing more than for me and ow to become great friends and pals so that he can spend more time over here, WITH her.
Personally I think this is part of the 'standard script'. Of course it would make thier lives easier but at what expense.
Before the dialogue moves on I would just like to say how I have personally been on the receiving end of OW being at my kids sporting events w/o prior knowledge and how hurtful and painful that was. The first time it happened most of the other parents standing on the touch line did not even know that H and I were separated. H & OW stood on the opposite touch line to everyone else leaving me to face the questions of 'who is that woman with your H?' I've never been so humiliated in all my life. THAT is the reason why I have no desire to have ANY contact with OW ever again.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I'm so sorry you went through such a painful experience. It must have been so hard to face those questions...
I am lucky enough that my friends know all about this, and I know they may greet her out of politeness, but they would not engage in anything else with her. To be honest, I don't think I would WANT to be the ow at such events. Then again, I have no desire of ever being the ow.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I, too, have had to deal with OW every week at sporting events until S18 told dad he didn't want her there. But college football is starting I know she will be there again because they now live together and son seems to be accepting his dad's relationship.
My situation was complicated by the fact that OW was a friend of ours that we hung out with and H and I had been separated for almost a year before they started seeing each other. In fact, she sacrificed her marriage for a chance to be with him. They had went out a couple of times in High School and apparently she thought of him as the one great love that got away. So my point is a lot of our friends were torn between snubbing her and being friendly with her. I understand how they must have felt, I wouldn't have wanted to be in their shoes. I have lost friends over it and one of my best friends is still stand-offish with me because her H and mine were best friends,too and she was best friends with OW since she was young. She and I had only become close in the past 10 years. Oops, I went on too long again. The point being it still bothers me to have to see them together every week. But I have to get used to it because I have no control. My H is not as considerate as yours...not even close.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
