Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[peacetoday]

Thank you for all your support- I am OK
he made the decision that i was struggling to make
Now I believe I need to let him go
100% this time
If he would like to return and I am still up for it..then yes
if I see no sign of wanting return
I have to go
from reading all your posts here..I realize the return rate is so low..I did everything I could to save my M and im so glad I tried..I gained growth and hopefully taught my children M is worth saving
If any other oldtimers would like to share what finally happened
please feel free-- Your stories have been inspiring
I have enjoyed reading everyones posts
peace

[Sanderika]

Hello Peace and everyone else who has posted here...

First I want to tell you, Peace, I am truly connected to your feelings, I am crying so hard because I am close to the same place you are in right now. Only I will have to file on him because he won't do it. That will be instigating something I do not want but for my sanity and closure I feel I must take this step soon.

My situation timeline:

H and I meet in 10th Grade at High School - 15 years old.

H and I engaged to marry - Christmas Day 1982.

H and I set Wedding Date on Christmas Day in 1983.

H and I marry 4/84.

H and I have S in 5/96.

H meets OW on 8/7/05. (I learned this later on in affair.)

H tells me he is leaving me 8/16/05. Claims no OW just that it's time to call it quits on us.

H moves out and begins 3 year separation slowly from 8/16/05 through 9/05. Takes rest of clothes out on 10/29/05.

H left home to move into our company building and H still calls that home, it is 6 miles from our house.

H and I have no contact except at work from 9/05 to 1/3/06.

H and I ML for first time in separation on 1/3/06. H and I have ML regularly between 1/3/06 and 7/11/08. OW does not know we are still together in this way. (One of us would die if she found out.)

H and I work together in company we started from 3/1/83 - 3/13/08. H replaced me at company with OW Best Friend. My last day in my own company 3/13/08. H continues to send me my salary. When he talks af company's future I am not included at all it is all mine, me, my, etc... We incorporated in 1995 and I became a 50% owner...thank god I covered my A$$ back then, I would be in a world of hurt now if it was still a sole-proprietorship as originally set up!!!!!

H and I had no contact from 3/13/08 - 3/29/08.

My work separation has left a huge hole in our relationship, it is creating an unhealthy distance between us. We are becoming strangers to each other and it is an obvious feeling to me and I believe he feels it as well.

H has made frequent contact with me from 3/29/08 until last night. H and I have ML 14 times since 3/29/08. Last night he came with the mail and had supper with us but didn't stay.

In the last 206 days H has seen S 30 times.

H did not call OW GF until Fall of '06. H is still with the same OW. OW lives 1 hour away. OW is a hard core macho biker b***h. (I am the total opposite in looks and personality.) I have described myself, H and OW in some of my previous posts.

H told me on 12/31/06 he loves OW and does not love me.

H does not want to D and won't discuss it w/ me. I think it is because he does not want to lose financially only. We are fairly well off.

H doesn't give S any attention to speak of. I feel H has grown distant with me over the past 3.5 weeks since 6/28/08.

I am now getting very angry and restless. I feel our sitch is hopeless. H won't leave OW. OW will never leave H, she sees $$$$. H doesn't think I will file either. H feels I will wait for his almighty decision. H has confidence he has me right where he wants me. I really think he will be a very sorry man very soon.......

I gave it considerable thought today to call the attorney for an appt. I actually called H to tell him I needed to talk to him and he wouldn't pick up phone let voice mail answer me. I left a different message something very trivial about S instead.

My problems have always been love and loyalty to H. I want my marriage to work so bad. I want him home. I think I have to face the truths:

H would be home if he wanted to be.

H doesn't love me or respect me.

H doesn't give a rats a$$ about me or our S.

H is living a very selfish existance in a me, my and mine world.

H will not give up OW and has even said they are making plans for their future when he is mad at me. Their affair has lasted 3 years on 8/7/08. It is not the typical affair I think they really want to be together, so I might as well disappear.

H is making all the wrong choices after 3 years that would make a reconciliation possible. I do believe all he has done is throw me a bone to pacify me at the momment so I will not upset the apple cart. This means he is controlling all involved for his own gain.

I can't sit by much longer while the OW and her BFF run my company with my H.

I don't want this to go into another year with my life on hold. I will not date another while I am married to him. My S and I have suffered in pain of the loss and abandonment and neglect that my H has dished out to us and we don't deserve it.

I am, along with several others on this BB, struggling every day every hour with what is the right thing to do and when. I feel I am carrying the burden for myself and my S. I parent him alone and have for the past 3 years. There has never been any visitation set up and H has been free as a bird to come and go as he pleases with OW without the responsibilities of a child. My S was 9 when my H left us, he is now 12.

My H and I have been married now for 24 years and have been together for 29. I think of it has a huge failure. I do not want to go down the D road. I really don't think I have a choice anymore though. I can't move on while I am still M to him.

I have the books DB and DR. I have had one DB Coaching session with Jody. I have paid for 2 more but will probably never call to use them. I think it is too late for us!!!! I feel these tools are not really designed for marriages that are in such dire trouble as mine. This would have been a perfect tool in the first 6 weeks of our separation. Thinking back to behaviors and conversations, I could have turned this around then but not now with the teachings in the books and the coaching.

Thank you all for listening.

Sanderika

[KarenMarieS]

(( Peace ))
No matter how long we are on this board, its still sad when hearing of someone who is starting the D.process.

I take it that you were not expecting the papers to come? I know how that is, I too was blindsided, by the bomb, out of the blue and then again w/ the D papers , when I had pleaded w/ him to tell me if that was going to be the route he chose. He did not. Surpise!

To tell you it will be all right sounds like a broken record, but the reason people tell you is,--- it IS going to be ok.

I am 2 yrs post D, over 6 yrs bomb- and I love my life now! I am engaged to a wonderful, terrific man. My S , a young adult now respects me, and we have a great R.

Never ever would I of thought it, and I fought for at least 4 yrs for my M, kicking and screaming to D court, I loved my H with every thing i had and like yours he was aloof , cold and robotic.

Well, I do not know if its because I have let the anger go, I have forgiven him ( although he didnt ask!) He wants to be friends, he is friendly, nice, and really enjoys talking to me now
This from a man who acted like I had cooties 6 short years ago-- I have no idea what they go thru, I think mine is coming out of his MLC- but he told our S he is not really happy, and he feels he is a A** for hurting me and now is hurting OW , because you see, she wasnt the answer to his happiness either. Go figure!

You will be ok Peace, and you know, I do think eventually they do pop out of it, years and years later sometimes -but most do and then, well it depends where you are in life, for me, it would of been too late, I now know I deserve better, and he is somewhat "stuck" w/ OW.

Keep coming here tho, either mlc or surviving,just because the D papers are signed, you still can gain a lot of knowledge, love and support here.

((( Peace)))

[forward]

Sanderika, Use the sessions as DB C can get you through a tough time.

Sounds like you're at ultimatum time.

[peacetoday]

Sanderika
I know how you feel..this limbo is so difficult
Your H seems to cake eat
hard to make the choice..I know I didnt want H to file really
but
I needed out of here..I am still processing all of this..i need more time
You will make the choice when time is right
Karen
Thnaks for posting here
I am always haapy to hear LBS sucesses even if it doesnt include H
Good luck in your new R
peace

[Sanderika]

Hello Peace,

Just thought I would check in on you and see how you are doing today.

I have been thinking about you for the past few days now....

My H was here this am for 4 hours only to spend time w/ S on a dirt bike he bought him 60 days ago and this was the first time he came over to do anything with him with it. He left abruptly with just a "see ya later". I stayed away from them both for the most part. I wish he had not come at all. I would be better off right now having not seen him. All it did was remind me he doesn't want to be around me. I know if I decide to file my S and I would be better off.

I need to find the courage.....

I truly hope you are feeling well....

Sanderika

[peacetoday]

S
I am sorry you are in pain today
My H just left here as well
Yes, It is difficult to see them--
It would be easier not to
but for the kids sake--it is better for kids to be friendly to H I believe
I know the decision is hard
I am still struggling with it
and I see H seems so carefree ..like maybe the decision set him free for the moment
Give yourself time to process it
meditate,exercise and try to take care of you
peace

[BarbieDoll]

Just caught this title and decided to post. I used to post here daily from 01 to 05. Now I post under Suviving.

Peace: I am so sorry that your received papers. There wasn't that much drama surrounding it when I finally got divorced. It still hurts so much and I just want to reassure you that life will go on. And you will be ok.

My bomb was Aug 01 when H was arrested for DUI and told the cops his M was over and he was going to kill me. OK - there's my drama! I was totally in shock. Did not know about OW (maggot and yes, I'm fine with name calling - I call a spade a spade). But cops told me not even to pick him up as I was in danger. Of course he sobered up but I kicked him out. Then I found out about maggot who was cheating on her H and they moved in together. Then I found DB and wanted to save my family.

I became the poster child for DB so to speak for app 2 years. I bought into all of it. And I really, truly believed that he would come to his senses and come back to me. If I did everything right. I don't think anyone should be making these kind of assumptions or throw statistics around because in my experience very very few saved their M.

Anyway, got a call and I have to run. But suffice to say that after 30 years together (25 married) and 3 kids - I have NO relationship with ex at all. We never speak. He gives as little as possible and does it in a nasty way always. I divorced him 3 years ago - he didn't want a divorce, but he married maggot right after. I don't have any idea how they're doing and do not care. I think they deserve each other.

I have a new man in my life and we've been together a few years. I doubt we will get married. We do not live together. But I love him and he enhances my life.

Oh - my life. Is great! I can do what I want when I want. I love my job, have a great R with my kids, lots of friends and travel a lot. I wouldn't change a thing.

Not trying to take away anyone's hope but I don't think anyone should have you believe it will work out and to keep hanging on. Life is for the living.

I mean no disrespect to anyone here. I wish you all the best life possible.

Barb

[peacetoday]

Thanks BD
Actually I think Im feeling more hope now from those who post they moved on as I sense that is going to be my choice as well
Thank you for your post

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Peace:

There are some things that we have absolutely no control over. And we have no control over MLC walkaways. And usually, once they got to the point of leaving, they don't come back. Sure, some of them pop back and forth a few times before they leave for good but usually, they know when they go out the door that it is a done deal.

And we can yell and scream and beg and whine and cry. I did it all. We can go dark and do 180s and try to focus on other things but the truth is - you have to go through it. There is no way around it. I wanted to skip the pain. I wanted to mend things with a bandaid. But there was no way to do that. Instead, I bled all over the place. I hurt and cried till I ached. I honestly know the physical pain of heartache.

And I was afraid. Afraid of the divorce. What it would do to me financially (it's not pretty). What it would do to me emotionally. What it would do to my children. What it would do to my family and friends - I felt there is a real stigma to being "DIVORCED". It was NEVER what I wanted. And I tried everything to save the marriage but it was not within my power.

Someone wrote here that they want to keep on standing because they want to know they did everything they could. I felt that way too. And take comfort now in the fact that I did. I did do everything. But I couldn't do it forever.

OP might be a symptom of a problem or a bandaid in the beginning but when they've been living with your spouse for a year or more - they're real. And they're the choice your spouse made. And you can choose to stand, but it is far easier to choose to GET A LIFE!

Now a lot of people equate GET A LIFE with start dating and get into a new R. But that is really not it at all. I know lots of people from this bb who I believe have truly moved forward and have GAL. But they are not dating. Some are not ready. Some choose not to. Some don't feel they need another person in their life. So I just want to point out that moving on doesn't mean moving on to the next R.

I was terrified of dating, having married my high school sweetheart. I just could not imagine me getting out there and meeting someone. Kissing someone. Getting into bed with someone. Horrifying! Ha!

It was my kids who actually encouraged me to get back in the dating pool. They could see that I was lonely. So eventually I tried it and I didn't die from it. I was amazed that someone would actually want to date me. My self esteem was in the ground after the person I trusted most in the world had tromped on me. But guess what? Several people wanted to date me. And it wasn't so bad at all. And I even started to enjoy it. And then I met a very special man and the rest is history.

I write all this because I want to reassure you that we all felt as you do right now. We all could not imagine re-writing out lives - if you're like me - you already knew your plan. But you had to rethink it.

But change can be good. And the choices to be made are your choices. You'll be calling the shots now. And take it from me. If you aim to make the best life possible for yourself - you will.

Good luck with it all. You WILL get through this too.

Barb