Old thread locked, so I'm starting a new one. Thanks to everyone for their posts...didn't get a chance to respond before it locked, so I'll begin this thread with it.
I'm a couple of weeks into the AD's now...think there might be a small effect of lifting some of the real lows out of the mood. Still tired all the time, gosh I could sleep 14 hours a day!
I wanted to say thanks to you Ali when you said that this hasn't been a normal breakup situation. That was really helpful to me for some reason. It just hit home for me.
Upside, rRe: working out, not yet able to do that...started physio though, I think it will be a few more weeks due to the back and neck injuries before I'm running or going to the gym.
Lodo, I do feel like I've lost some respect for W. based upon her choices and way of handling all this stuff. I feel angry, hurt still. At the same time, I still love her very much and want to be with her...confusing and contradictory, isn't it? I don't know about what kind of contact to have right now. I had a dream last night that we kissed, it was wonderful, and then she pulled back and said "I have to do this [leave you] for me...it's what is right for me, to be free to be with someone else now." Then I woke up. Ugh, that still has me rattled today.
Yesterday was a tough one for me...Friday after work is this weird feeling of anxiety--I'm glad to be done work, but I feel sad and lonely about going home. This weekend I'm going to visit my folks for an overnight stay. I feel mixed about it, but honestly I think it will be better than sitting around here all weekend.
I am sorting through so many different emotions toward W.. I still love her very much. I feel like we were such a good fit for each other. In some of my journalling yesterday, the word "replaceable" kept coming up. I guess that's how I have felt. It's true I don't know how she is thinking/feeling, but there has never been any movement on her part toward reconciling in any of this. I have been feeling the finality of it all, like we will never be back together. It just upsets me greatly. Sometimes I understand the "it's more about her" thing, then it slips away.
Thank you for checking in on me & posting to my thread!
I'm so sorry about your dream! That will make you feel really bad sometimes. I've been on AD's since January of this year. I guess it helps some. They put me on 2 different kinds, one I take in the morning & one at night. When I'm crying my eyes out I don't know if it is working or not.LOL
It was all about my H instead of me thru all of this. I didn't have any ideal anything was wrong & then bomb, "I want a divorce" no clue whatsoever!
I'm like you, I've lost a lot of respect for my H but I still love him & I really want him back home with me & the pups!
You hang in there!! I really don't have any advice for you but just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you!
Thanks for dropping by. Yes, absolutely the sense of suddenness has been what made this very difficult for me. It's just really hard to identify with what the thinking / decision-making process has been for the WAS. Can't relate to it. Very hard for me to sort through all the contradictions in my experience with her.
Thanks for the hugs, they are much appreciated and needed! You take care also.
About the ADs. My C explained to me that they're not supposed to eliminate the lows, just level them out so the lows aren't so low. In other words you can still feel depressed on ADs but shouldn't feel as bad.
About the dreams, I had a lot of them in the beginning. I believe we can learn a lot from them. Sounds like your subconscious knows what's going on with your W to some degree.
In your dream she kissed you (still loves you) but says she has to do this for her (to some degree they can't control what they are doing).
I think there are some truths there. Doesn't necessarily mean they will make this easier.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
I think that is a key word Purr. I guess it is that rewriting our history thing. I think they do it in order to justify what they are doing because they can't figure out why they are doing what they are doing either!
It really is so hard to comprehend. I read about it and I get it, but why why why does it have to be this way?
Sorry Purr, I'm probably not helping you any.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Sleeper, yes, the dream seemed to reflect at least how I've been seeing things. Can you and NG say more about "to some deree they can't figure out why they are doing what they are going / they can't control what they are doing"? I'm not sure I understand this, though I've heard reference to it before.
NG, having someone post on my thread that they "get it" is helpful!! Very helpful! I feel less "crazy" for feeling what I feel, and less alone as I go through all this. Thank you for posting! I know it's a real rough go for you too right now, I hope you are having a better day today.
Can you and NG say more about "to some deree they can't figure out why they are doing what they are going / they can't control what they are doing"? I'm not sure I understand this, though I've heard reference to it before.
I am no expert on any of this by far and I've never taken a psychology course of any kind in my life (not in HS, not in college, not in graduate school). But from what I've read about mlc and depression, I think my H became depressed and he hid it, probably from himself too, but the depression causes him to feel not quite right, something is missing. I believe it is probably worse when everything in their life "should be" so wonderful (great and successful job/career, great healthy well adjusted kids, no money worries, beautiful wife (my H's words) who is not clingy at all and gives a lot of free reign, etc., etc.) and yet they still feel this emptiness, hopelessness, a hole in their life. So he thinks, if it isn't the job causing my feelings, or the kids, and it couldn't possibly be that I am depressed or have anything remotely wrong with me because I've always been strong and stable (compared to the rest of my family) -- it must be my marriage! But yet on some level, they know it is not the M, they just don't want to face it because that means they have to face themselves and admit that there must be some work they have to do on themselves.
I think depression is a big factor in all this. Read up on depression purr. I need to read more about it myself. I sort of concentrated on mlc (read the Conway books if you haven't already), and now I want to know more specifically about depression.
After saying all that I hope it doesn't sound like I don't take any responsibility for where I am at now. I think I was a good wife, but I was far from perfect. I did not realize how important it was to figure out what my H's needs are and meet them as well as making sure my needs were being met. I was too busy being on autopilot as a mom, a professional, and someone who felt totally responsible for doing the things to keep the household running.
Anyway, back to the depression thing...I think the depressed mind is in sort of a fog (my H had even referred to his own mind being in a cloud, fuzzy, in turmoil). My H also stated to me once that he is not crazy or in a mlc, but yet on at least three different occasions since the bomb (before and after that statement) has asked me "am I crazy?"
I don't know Purr, it is hard to understand, especially because I don't think I have ever been depressed before (sad and down yes, but never long-term depressed).
I do know we have to detach from their confused, sad state, and detach from the actions they take to try and feel good.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I think my H became depressed and he hid it, probably from himself too, but the depression causes him to feel not quite right, something is missing. I believe it is probably worse when everything in their life "should be" so wonderful (great and successful job/career, great healthy well adjusted kids, no money worries, beautiful wife (my H's words) who is not clingy at all and gives a lot of free reign, etc., etc.) and yet they still feel this emptiness, hopelessness, a hole in their life. So he thinks, if it isn't the job causing my feelings, or the kids, and it couldn't possibly be that I am depressed or have anything remotely wrong with me because I've always been strong and stable (compared to the rest of my family) -- it must be my marriage! But yet on some level, they know it is not the M, they just don't want to face it because that means they have to face themselves and admit that there must be some work they have to do on themselves.
(((Purr)))) I totally agree with this- I think the element of depression causes them to pin their feelings on the person/thing closest to them- usually their spouse. Deep down, though, they can't face knowing that this isn't the right thing to do and they become internally confused acting one way and then another. I think your W is doing that- she's certainly sending mixed signals to you....
How was the weekend away Purr? I hope you had a good time. And thank you for being so lovely to me on my thread. I always knew you were a charmer, but my goodness!!
