Feeling Hopeless...

[Dom R]

*wave*

you inspired me to change the subject of my thread... i'm trying desperately to keep myself in that frame of mind. I keep having moments where i just wonder why i bother, but i do my best to squash those as they occur... hopefully i'll start feeling that way less often.

Cheer!

Yesterday, they didn't eat lunch and were eating potato chips when i walked in the door at 6:30 last night. He didn't even have the baby as my friend watched her, so we'll see how it goes.

whoa!

how about time to step up and tell your H, "this is not an acceptible way to feed our children. If you cant handle feeding them properly, then I will have [the babysitter do it]"

Here's a great example of my issue... yesterday, i got home from work and he went upstairs to rest a little. I go to wake him up about an hour later for dinner, he says no. I go up about 30 minutes after that cause the baby was hungry and it's easier to feed her if he can keep an eye on the girls, he said just a minute. I go up 15 minutes later and he says he's just too tired to get up. 45 minutes later i turned on the light and told him he needed to get up and i walked away.

The question here is... Why did you let him get away with this?
I'd say when you went up "15 minutes later", is the time you should have turned on the light, and STAYED THERE, possibly yelling a bit, until he GOT HIS LAZY BUTT UP then and there!!

WTH is he so tired?!! he needs to get up and get moving more, not lay around more!

He's behaving like a spoiled 15-year-old boy.
Stop ALLOWING him to continue behaving that way.

he comes down stairs all angry and asks what i want.

(Sulky 15 year old boy says), okok i'mup whaddyawant, mom? scowl.

This should not be an acceptable way for him to treat you.
The way it becomes not acceptable.... is when you stop accepting it !!!


Didnt he get at you about "your attitude" in the car the other night?

Time for you to start picking up on his bad attitude moments.

I'm getting like 3 hours of sleep at night cause of the baby

Clearly, YOU are the one who should be napping upstairs, not him!
When you talk about it with him, though.. make sure to not exaggerate. Dont say "like 3 hours". A guy will most likely ignore statements like that, because he will figure you are just exaggerating.
Be able to tell him truthfully that you had exactly X hours sleep last night, Y hours of sleep the night before, and Z the night before that.

He always accusses me of starting a fight with him. at least once a day, if not more. Heaven forbid i disagree with him.

We fight alot, just never about anything. It's always stupid little things that don't even matter.

So... pick a fight once a day, about the important things, and stop doing the other ones

When people dont fix what REALLY needs fixing.... they tend to have fights about "stupid little things", because it gets all built up. There's a phrase for that, but i forget it right now

Choose to fight about the stuff that really needs fixing, and you will probably have less urge to fight about "the stupid things".

Thanks Dom!!

you're welcome

[ann25]

Hey fb2 - we don't actually talk about OM anymore. There are more important things to deal with than who takes the blame for what went bad. Maybe someday, but not right now. I think a bigger problem was that i wasn't complaining enough. I just let him do whatever and didn't say anything... OM will go away whenever H is able to forgive, though i suppose it'll never go away, but we'll be able to live with it better.

I'm being more assertive with H. I think he's taking it to mean that I'm upset, which is fine. I am upset with the way my life is right now, so i'm taking steps to change it.

FWIW - not that it really matters what the order of things were, but H wasnted a divorce and we had like in house seperation for a couple months before i met OM.

It sounds to me like you don't think i'm going about doing things right, what would you recommend, i'm totally open to suggestions... Thanks

ann

[ann25]

how about time to step up and tell your H, "this is not an acceptible way to feed our children. If you cant handle feeding them properly, then I will have [the babysitter do it]"

I did. He said he knows, he lost track of time. i just told him i understand and told him that at least there are some lunchables and stuff in the frige and D4 can get those out herself if he tells her to (she has to have permission to get in the frige). He said he knows.

The question here is... Why did you let him get away with this?
I'd say when you went up "15 minutes later", is the time you should have turned on the light, and STAYED THERE, possibly yelling a bit, until he GOT HIS LAZY BUTT UP then and there!!

WTH is he so tired?!! he needs to get up and get moving more, not lay around more!

He's behaving like a spoiled 15-year-old boy.
Stop ALLOWING him to continue behaving that way.

Why'd i let him get away with it? i had a crying baby in one arm, D2 that didn't make it to the potty on time and D4 was somewhere downstairs. I don't have time to babysit him too. I know that by letting him sleep, i'm letting him get away with acting like a teenage boy, but when i need to handle things, i don't have time to sit there and bug him until he gets up. i've done that, it takes 10-15 minutes to wake him up, then he's a jerk and i start thinking that i was just better off with him sleeping cause at least then i'm only taking care of 3 kids...

When you talk about it with him, though.. make sure to not exaggerate. Dont say "like 3 hours". A guy will most likely ignore statements like that, because he will figure you are just exaggerating.
Be able to tell him truthfully that you had exactly X hours sleep last night, Y hours of sleep the night before, and Z the night before that

Yikes... i just figured out the specifics in of how much sleep i actually get and i probably shouldn't be functioning at this point... last night 2 hours 30 minutes, the night before 3 hours, the night before that 1 hour 45 minutes... i took a nap at lunch, i've gotta figure out how to get him to keep the baby awake during the day...

So... pick a fight once a day, about the important things, and stop doing the other ones

most of the time i'm not starting a fight. If i disagree with him about anything, i'm trying to fight with him. On the big things, he tends to either yell and then leave or he just gets super quiet and won't talk to me hardly at all. Unless the conversation involves something i'm not doing right or that i need to change, he doesn't want to talk and when i ask him what i should do diferently, he doesn't know.

okok i'mup whaddyawant

i think he actually said that...

sorry if some of that sounds mean or bad or something... i'm really struggling to be positive right now.

[fb2]

It sounds to me like you don't think i'm going about doing things right, what would you recommend, i'm totally open to suggestions...

Hi Ann - You are saying/doing "more of the same" and its still "not working" - look again at the title of your thread. So I recommend(ed) you read and follow-up on "smartcookie" and also try introducing yourself to "forrest gump" and ask for help - he knows how to swing a 2x4. (hint ;-)

[Dom R]

how about time to step up and tell your H, "this is not an acceptible way to feed our children. If you cant handle feeding them properly, then I will have [the babysitter do it]"

I did. He said he knows, he lost track of time.

This, is where you accepted excuses from HIM.

Why'd i let him get away with it? i had a crying baby in one arm, D2 that didn't make it to the potty on time and D4 was somewhere downstairs. I don't have time to babysit him too. I know that by letting him sleep, i'm letting him get away with acting like a teenage boy, but when i need to handle things, i don't have time to sit there and bug him until he gets up.

This, is where you started accepting excuses from you

Guess which one is more poisonous to your marriage?

The latter.

If he "cant get up" when you need him to... then he shouldnt be taking naps in the first place. He should stay up until bedtime, then sleep properly, so he doesnt need naps. It's better for him, and it's better for you too.

The thing is, i bet it isnt a matter of "cant get up", though.

I'm going to use a really extreme case. I'm not necessary suggesting you use this.. (maybe ), but for an example...
Do you think it would have taken him 15 mins to get out of bed, if you dumped an ice cold glass of water on him?

Stop accepting excuses from him.
Stop accepting excuses from YOURSELF.

to continue with the prior metaphor:

15 year old boys, take 15-30 mins to get out of bed.

ADULTS, get out of bed when it is time.
Start expecting him to act like an adult. no more excuses.

[Tomato]

Start expecting him to act like an adult. no more excuses.

I will echo this sentiment. Good one Dom.

There is no other way that you will see any kind of positive changes at all.

[sandi2]

Hi Ann, well, I can understand where you are coming from about OM. You were vulnerable for the taking, so to speak, and we know without anyone reminding us that it still was wrong. The thing here is that if it had not been that OM--and even though you said you would not go back to that particular OM......there are a lot of OM out there in the world, and we don't have to go far to find them. You see, I know how the OM can say all the right things to make you feel beautiful and sexy and anything else that you may be looking for. In your case, you needed to feel loved and care for.....in my case, I needed to feel that I had not lost my youthful appearance (which is a joke) and that I was still desirable. That is what the OM fed my ego by telling me how "hot" I was, etc. But, I also made him out to be much more than he probably was, b/c I doubt any man could have been as great as I had him in my mind. He was in the "back" of my mind all the time for a very long time. That is what stood between me and my MR. At first, I could not seem to shake the need for contacting OM. Then, when I finally got past the no contact part.....the grieving process took over and that is when I resorted to comforting myself with the fantasizing. That was no good at all b/c it kept him alive and real in my mind.

I suppose I am just trying to tell you that I understand, sweetie, how easy it is to want to leave a bad situation. I wanted my OM to "recue" me from a unhappy MR. I think before OM came along, I had started going through some type of personl crises (MLC or something like it) and so that made me vulnerable for the taking. I've probably told you all this before....sorry.

You have a lot on you with the babies. Having an immature H is like having another child to raise and that certainly is not what you need. We women have to be very careful that we do not fall into a mode of "mothering" our H's. It is easy to do when that is what you are use to doing with your children and he is acting like another child. But, refuse to treat him like he is your child. Don't talk to him or nag him......don't repeat yourself, or "remind him".....in other words, like you might do with your own children. Tell him what you expect of him as a man, husband, and father. I've learned from men here on the board that they actually have to be told item by item what we want them to do! We can never assume that they should already know without being told (like we do...lol). It seems to me that he needs to have some type of consequences to his immature behavior, when he doesn't choose to act like a responsible H and parent. Listen to what some others have suggested. I'm sure he won't like any of it--b/c he has been comfortable acting like a teenager instead of a grown person. Who wouldn't like to just go off into their room and ignore all the work that has to be done and everything to do with the children? So, don't mother him......but try to allow him to learn and grow up as a result of his own decisions. Like a child, they need to find out (sometimes the hard way) what has the better outcome of their decisions. So, you need a plan....lol.

You would have to be strong to pull this off, but if you can keep your cool and not show any emotion at all to his immaturity when he fails to respond like he should.....and have a plan of reaction to his lack of "action", and very calmly allow certain things to happen due to his neglect. Does that make sense?

I think he knows (he must know!) that he is pushing your buttons by this behavior. So, if you've talked to him about this connected with turning to OM.....why does he continue to do it? Is he testing you? It is a poor test, if that is it. But, I don't think it is a test. He may be depressed and needs to get meds......I don't know....just throwing things out in the wind here. I think I remember you saying something about it being hard for him to forgive or trust. Even though my H told me he forgives me, I think it is still there in his mind and maybe our R will never have the solid trust that it once did. I take full responsibility for that! However, he never comes to stand behind me when I'm on the computer or I don't feel that he sets "traps" to catch me at something when I'm on the computer, like he did when he first found out about OM. However, he may still have a way of knowing what all I have been doing on the computer....I don't know.

If your H has not fully forgiven you......that is one of the basic problems right there. He is kind of acting like a teenager in anger to what has happened. I hope for both of your sakes that he can find forgiveness and peace, or it will eat him up alive and there won't be much hope for a happy M. If the thing with OM has been discussed, then I don't think I would bring it up again. If it is "out there", so to speak.....then what point is there to keep pouring salt in the wound? Other areas can be discussed without it always going back to the time with OM. Unless, he can't let go......then you will know for sure that is the ground laid for his behavior.

You will have to refresh my mind how long it has been since OM and the when you and H started trying to make the M work. I try to think if it takes us a long time to get through all the emotional stuff concerning our OM, then the H's probably has their own things to deal with. Would make sense that they would, don't you agree?

Well, I am rambling, so I'll stop for now. Take care.

Sandi

[ann25]

Fb2 -

I'm working on reading through her sitch, there is a lot there and i do have to work a little during the day...

I'm really trying not to do more of the same. I feel like i have changed my attitude and behavior and I'm working on more.

[fb2]

Hi Ann, OK I'm going to change. I'll be tough and to the point, here goes ...

I'm working on reading through her sitch, there is a lot there and i do have to work a little during the day...

I'm really trying not to do more of the same. I feel like i have changed my attitude and behavior and I'm working on more.

Precise examples of YOUR excuses and more of the same. I've seen this pattern all along. You are in effect enabling his behavior.

Stop accepting excuses from YOURSELF.

You can only guarantee changing YOU. Your only hope for success is to change YOU, first! Actually do it now, no "trying". Then MAYBE he'll change over time (months to years).

[Tomato]

Hi Ann

I hope you are having a nice day. Let Christ lead you.