MLC Stages. where are we?

[Treese]

Thrill....gosh...listen to Amy....she gives great advice...

I am with you in everything...My H has been gone since January...got the speech last June (07)....it has truly been a long, draining year...

I am better now...I am standing...I have been with my H for 30 years and will not go down without a fight...he will have to do it all....my H's ow is an old friend of ours...isnt that nice...my kids are devasted and it has really taken its toll on me....I too have lost weight...I don't think there are too many on here that haven't...

Keep coming here for advice...to vent..(I do that alot)..read success stories....and know you can always have hope...that's really all we have....

My personal thread is....(memories come crashing in...I still miss him....) check it out...I get great advice from long time posters.....I love them and I don't even know them....

Take Care....and post away...

[thrillisgone]

Hi Mike - No desperation, just didn't want the post to disappear into the sky! Much of this is confusing to me. My W taking the D right to the edge and disappearing is a Jedi mind trick.

I've done DB coaching and have all the books AND tons of others.
MLC being a generic sort of catch all heading makes it hard to figure out with any degree of accuracy. I've spent thousands on counseling for myself. My friends have been amazing and supportive but none of them can make sense of all of this.

The prevailing wisdom seems to be to drop "the rope" which I did long ago. My current therapist is telling me throw in the towel and walk away .......for good. My W has some significant personality disorders in her immediate family and the therapist swears this is Borderline behavior. Then I read that MLC can trigger personality traits that were largely dormant before the MLC onset.

Confusing.

Barney Rubble eh? I hope my W has better taste than that but I don't know:-)

[Mike85]

thrill: "Jedi mind trick?" LOL. You're talking to someone who is deliberately filling his free reading time with book after book of cheesy Star Wars paperbacks just as escapism (and well, as a science teacher, a love of SW and ST is part of the territory).

MLC is a bitch. On the one hand, you can read the stuff online and in books and almost check off each standard bit of MLC behavior our spouses have pulled (for me, the OM and deception regarding him were two of the much later "boxes to be checked"), but on the other hand, living through it is awful. Sometimes the well-intentioned words of friends are a help, and other times, all they do is force you focus on the negatives and put you into a funk. Even the ostensible sweet release of sleep can (and in my case HAS BEEN) filled with replaying of the worst fears and neuroses caused by our spouses' behaviors.

Like Michele points out in DR, MLC is a roller coaster. My wife has betrayed me in so many ways. OTOH, my wife and I have - I have to admit even in my darkest, "pity-party" times- made some substantial progress. There are times, though (like when I see "Barney Rubble") that the temptation to give into despair is so overpowering. Even putting on the brave face for wife, for friends and family, and for the public is sooooo draining. Sometimes, however, I can get so caught up in "Mr. Positive" act that even I buy it...and for a brief time I actually *do* feel strong and positive. Trying to neither wallow in despair nor get overly giddy, depending on wife's statements or actions...it's hard.

My family "mottoes" have been "It ain't the cards you're dealt, it's how you play 'em" and "Both optimism and pessimism are self-fulfilling, so choose the former." I just use those as mantras, with a heavy dose of prayer. And, the people here are a Godsend.

I'm hardly one to be doling out much advice, being a newbie and all, but take my words for what they're worth

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Thrill,
I figured you had probably already worked the medical route to the best of your ability, but that it wouldn't hurt to ask. Sounds to me like you've done everything you can at the moment, and until she makes her next move, any further action on your part will be counterproductive. Don't we all wish that if aliens are going to hijack our S's brains, they would take the whole body too, so we'd know for sure that they were still "out there"? The question that sprang to mind in response to your IC's comments about the Borderline Personality issue is...don't people with those sorts of problems deserve unconditional love too? And isn't this where that "in sickness and in health" thing kicks in? Of course, I may be a bit biased...my H's biggest complaints all along have been about things related to my depression, and recently I started wondering--if I had cancer or something, would he have done these same sorts of horrible things? After all, people tell me over and over that mental illness really is legitimate illness, not just some sort of hypochondria. If you're sick with something that has a side effect of making you not want to deal with the illness, does that mean you don't deserve compassion and love because you have a hard time making yourself get treatment for it? Okay, that's just my warped perspective.

And Mike, thanks for the reminder that the people on this board might sometimes be off GAL instead of posting! I knew that...really!...but I guess we newbie posters just get a little anxious sometimes! I for one will work to get calmed down about that now.

And--I've loved Star Wars ever since I saw the original when it first came out...I was 11 at the time! I had a crush on Luke, but I was really a Han Solo gal! Of course now I'm not so crazy about Harrison Ford since he took up with a woman 20 years his junior...although it didn't bother me until H did just that...! But I digress.... I'm a bit of a geek--went to an engineering school, got a degree in math, although I'm now a professional lettering artist. So Star Wars is right up my alley!

Best of luck with the WAW...hang in there!

Peace,
Dawn of Hope

[Mike85]

Dawn:

I've been so immersed in the Star Wars books for the last few months that some of my friends have caught me taking about my MLC spouse as if I were Luke talking about Vader:

"I know there's good within her...I can feel it!"
"I can sense the conflict within her..."

And whenever someone rashly suggests that I give in and lash out at her verbally or legally, I jokingly refer to their actions as being "of the Dark Side."

Anything to keep my sense of humor going.

BTW, I'm more of an Obi-Wan guy philosophically, but I did so love the Princess Leia metal bikini when ROTJ came out.

And Dawn, you make an EXCELLENT point about dealing with mental issues as part of the "in sickness and in health" vow. My wife had postpartum depression after each of our two sons (now ages 9 and 3), dealt with the sudden, completely unexpected death of her big brother five years ago from a previously undiagnosed genetic disorder after a minor surgery, is trying to cope with becoming her parents' caregiver after her 75-year-old dad was diagnosed with advanced Parkinson's disease, and oh yeah, she's perimenopausal. Toss in the fact that her nail salon business, which was her dream, isn't doing that well despite her hard work, and I consider her current MLC a form of mental disorder. I do feel for her. I don't excuse the pain she is causing me and the kids, but I at least sort of understand how her mental state could have come to this point. And I do consider my standing firm in fighting for my marriage to be part of the "in sickness and in health" vow. Wife's own mom fears that she's heading for a nervous breakdown and has begged me to stand by her daughter if/when it occurs. I told her that I already swore to do so 16 years ago, and that I keep my word. Always.

[thrillisgone]

DoH - I agree that walking away because a spouse has a mental illness or emotional problem may very well be the wrong thing to do. BUT, I'm not the one who walked away! If the underlying story here is Borderline personality traits, it is problematic since Borderlines don't respond well to medication and therapy is iffy at best. Personality disorders are considered ingrained vs a mood disorder which might respond better to drug therapy.

I still consider this an MLC situation since we made it through 30 years with lots of love, fun, adventure, intimacy and growth.What I think I'm seeing is the manifestation of borderline traits due to MLC.

I'm not the Conductor on this train. I'm just the passenger. My W will do what she is going to do. I'm just trying to handle this in a way that gives us the best chance for reconciliation. I'm looking for guidance.

Seems that alot of people here have contact with their spouse which at the very least allows for the prospect of gaining ground. I have seen my W once in the last 4 months. We haven't spoken or communicated in close to 6 weeks

That is a head trip after 30 years.

[thrillisgone]

Well Treese, I read your posts and you sound like a very strong, caring and loving woman.

I think your husband despite his actions knows that but can't access those thoughts now. I hope that he will in time.

Best wishes

[Dawn of Hope]

Thrill,
I honestly didn't mean to sound critical (bad habit of mine, unintentional insults, very sorry). As I said, I'm biased anyway because I'm the one with the mental illness. It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can with a bad situation. Thank you for the info about Borderline--I did not know that. I know way more than I'd like about depression, but not so much about other mental disorders.

Regarding MLC, Borderline, depression, vicious head games, and so on:
Yes...of the Dark Side, this is.
Is the Dark Side stronger, Master Yoda?
More seductive, the Dark Side is. Not stronger.

Love is stronger. The question is, what, specifically, is the path of love? Isn't that what we're all here to muddle out?

Strength and courage, Thrill.

Peace,
Dawn of Hope

[Dawn of Hope]

Mike,
I read at some point that during the filming of the scenes with the scantily-clad Princess Leia in RotJ, right before the cameras started rolling, one of the items on the checklist was something along the line of "Boobs, check?"

Star Wars never grows old....

Peace,
Cheryl

[thrillisgone]

DoH - Don't worry :-) I didn't take your comments as critical or insulting. No apologies necessary.

Actually we agree with one another.

My my only worry is that I'm dealing with some anger right now and I'm beginning to cycle through the emotions alittle faster. I'd like to read my W the riot act one minute and the next I'm battling the sadness that comes with the prospects of losing my marriage. Intellectually I know I have to be the one who keeps my
sh** together.

Never mind that I'm 47 yrs old and starting to question everything in my life. I'm pretty well grounded but part of me wants to fly to Costa Rica and hang out in a bar and just say "screw it". It is tempting. Very tempting.