Quandary

[forward]

Andabelle,

The DB C urged me to give dark some time. You must give these things time to work, she said.

I thought I was dark for much longer than I really have been. I was dim but H was still in house. Now the boundaries are much more pronounced.

Tell him it's not healthy for you and back off?

I am really detaching now, but it has only been a couple of weeks where it's been this pronounced.

[forward]

PS...you can be dark and friendly.

You can be dark and seductive, too. =)

[Andabelle]

Thanks, Breton. I am probably communicating via email w/him way too much still, but its impossible to go completely NC since we have to coordinate stuff around our S. The no getting together thing has definitely been good for me-- seeing him all the time was like constantly reopening a wound. I could not detach.

I might already be seeing some results (even though I just said in my last post I wasn't seeing any movement from him). This morning he sent me an email saying he hopes I don't hate him, that he knows this is a mess, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love and appreciate me. This is the first ILY I've gotten from him since we S!

Thanks for stopping by-- yours is one of the threads here I consistently follow, Breton. You give good DB.

[addie]

It's hard to go completely dark when there are children involved. You must do what is best for you.

I change my mind several times a day re: whether or not to continue standing. Sick of this.

Andabelle, I do the same. This is so difficult!!! Although my H "is back", I question on a day to day basis whether I want to continue in the M. Like you, I'm sick of all this nonsense!!!

[Andabelle]

Hey Addie!

Until yesterday I hadn’t seen H in the flesh in over 3 weeks. After he sent that email saying he still loved and appreciated me, I asked him (bad DB, I know) when he intended to file for D, and he answered not now or in the immediate future.

Yesterday morning he emailed me asking if I could meet him at his apt. As we hadn't seen one another in 3+ weeks, I thought there must have been some sort of emergency, or he wanted to have an R talk. Turned out he just wanted to jump my bones. I went along with it, and am not going to beat myself up too much. I acted like it was no big deal, didn’t try to initiate any R talk.

Yesterday afternoon he had a HUGE fight with his boss (via email since boss is traveling). Afterward H resigned the assistant directorship of his boss' center and the associate deanship that went along with it (but will continue as director of a subordinate center, and be reporting to same boss-- not good). H informed me about it this morning when he came by the house to wait for Rotorooter for me. I told him I’m the only one in his corner right now. He said he knows it.

Just wanted to run this by someone. Thanks for checking in.

[addie]

And he knows that you are the only one standing by him!!!

Great news - he told you he doesn't intend on filing for D in the immediate future. Quite a drastic change from a few months ago when he told you he was filing right away. Keep doing what you are doing, it's working.

HUGS!!!

[Andabelle]

Thanks, Addie.

Well, H and his boss made up, fortunately. I am feeling pretty low today, though. H is way more invested in a professional relationship with a drunken [censored] than in our 25-year marriage. I don’t believe he is concerned about losing me at all (probably because I let him cake-eat again).

Bleh.

[Andabelle]

Sorry I let the expletive slip.

[addie]

Andabelle,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I appreciate your support. How are you doing? It's been such a long time since you've posted here. I often think about you.

[kml]

Loved your comment on the other thread about them seeing us through sh*t colored glasses!

Ellie