Did you imagine you would be as successful as you are 5 years ago?
You wrote of your goals and aspirations. Has this hard work contributed to the base so you can achieve such goals and wants?
Was the business success one of the goals?
What in the last 5 years if you knew then what you know now what would you do different? Just seems to me though you write of your challenges and some of us go to "Fix it" mode for a response most of your long term decisions were a result of application of lessons learned.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Did you imagine you would be as successful as you are 5 years ago?
Well - not so sure about the successful part. I am off to a South Asian attorneys conference at the end of the week. Most Indians are way smarter and much more accomplished than me. And it a gathering of giants from all over the country. Very humbling experience reading their credentials and achievements.
It does trigger that sense of disquiet in me - that I am not quite done yet...
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Has this hard work contributed to the base so you can achieve such goals and wants?
There was a cute King of the Hill episode (one of my favorite shows) where the Bobby's little GF didn't get into a prestigious school b/c she was "just another overachieving Asian." Her father fell apart and swung the other way. Made me smile... Hard work - especially academically is an integral part of my culture.
I was reading the India Tribune and a person wrote an article about how when our parents say "you have potential" the translation is you are not where you are suppose to be - it means work harder!
Even when I got straight A's - my father use to ask my teachers what more I could to improve academically.
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Was the business success one of the goals?
In my culture - business/financial success is not a goal - it is a requirement that is ingrained into us from birth. My father told me and my siblings that we had to make six figures b/c you simply cannot afford to be poor.
And that applies equally to men and women. One of my uncles (he is 70 something now) had his M arranged. He told him mother he wanted a younger W that wanted to stay home and didn't want to to go school forever. My grandmother told him - he would have to find his own W if that was what he wanted. She also asked him what on earth would happen to his kids if something happened to him.
My mother's grades dropped when she was working on her masters. My grandfather sat her down and told her that if she thought he would arrange her M so she could get out of finishing her degree - that was not going to happen. So she needed to put her nose to the grindstone and do well in school.
My father's life story really is incredible. He was raised in the villages of British India (in what was Bangladesh). He found a way to save the money to come here to go to school b/c we have some of the best schools in the world here. His family had nothing - they lost everything and literally ran for their lives when the British split India before they left. Several Muslim families smuggled my family across the border. He has a Ph.D in civil engineering.
Two of my uncles were CEO's of major corporations. So I really feel like I am barely meeting the standards set by my heritage.
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What in the last 5 years if you knew then what you know now what would you do different?
I don't like looking back. I prefer to look forward and see where I need/want to go next.
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Just seems to me though you write of your challenges and some of us go to "Fix it" mode for a response most of your long term decisions were a result of application of lessons learned.
I always read what people post to me even if I disagree. In fact, I make it a point to follow posters that I know are a little more predisposed than others to comment negatively on my posts (unless I feel vunerable then I add a backoff sentence in my thread). You have to read all of it to make a comprehensive assessment. Sometimes you learn more about yourself when you look at your own reaction to something that doesn't make you feel so great. People that surround themselves with cheerleaders tend to be myopic in their views.
I also read another interview with Gov. Jindal in the Indian newspaper for an Indian audience. I disagree with many of his political positions - but I am impressed with him. He has about 10 million gagilion extra gears in his brain. And he is utterly charming.
I feel like I am responding to interview questions! LOL!
First of all I need to go to a workaholics anonymous meeting - I read how they started a group in NYC.
I was hesitating about signing up for the seminar b/c it is 4 days long - and the thought of FOUR days away from work made me feel nervous and guilty. Now that I had my weekend - I am good to go for another month before I NEED a break. Now there is something very wrong with this way of thinking. Work is suppose to be the means to having a life. GAL is not suppose to be a means to being able to work!
So I signed up for the seminar - which actually is not all fun. It is a huge networking opportunity. And there is the expert on adoptions in India that I want to talk to and possibly hire.
And as I read the bios of the speakers... I started to feel restless...
What is my next goal? Do I want to be Commissioner of Patents? I mean all of our form letters say Dear Sir - it would be kinda cool to see Dear Madam... And the current Commissioner really has made a mess of things.... That would of course mean getting involved and networking in politics and well it would involve keeping my mouth shut and being utterly charming! LOL!
Becoming a judge is hard unless you are a litigator... There is a lecture on how to become a judge...
Or do I want to build an AG law firm empire....
I have my cute little firm - but really I am feeling restless again... Reading the bios of the speakers at the seminar makes me feel restless...
It will be nice talking to people that are ahead of me to see what possibilities lie ahead.
I am only almost 43 - I really cannot see myself writing patents for the next 20-30 years. The money is very good - but once you get to the point where you are financially comfortable - the idea of just making more money is well a little boring...
This seminar is coming at a good time. I am looking forward to it. And I smiled when I saw the pictures of the women speakers - this will be one of those rare occassions in my profession where people of my ethnicity will be a majority.
I talked to a common friend that I share with The X. And he mentioned that following out D - The X had buried himself in school and work. He spent 3 years getting his MBA at Northwestern while working full time. And when we D'ed - he was on a fast track career-wise. He is/was a far better electrical engineer than me and he specialized in programming and was head and shoulders above his co-workers. I guess that was one of the reasons I M The X - he was a nutty overachiever too. Suspect that the next R will also fall into the category of overachiever. Although with The X - he couldn't see how good he was - and was insecure - so he competed with me instead of viewing us as a team. Next time round - I want someone that knows we are on the same side....
Life is good! I need to pull my head out of daydream clouds and finish the tediuos boring work on my desk!
Life is very good - especially when you feel like you have an entire lifetime ahead of you to do all sorts of things.
>>>Work is suppose to be the means to having a life. GAL is not suppose to be a means to being able to work!
So true ! :-)
I've been fortunate to live and work in different countries & cultures. For instance, in Toronto and Chicago, people live to work. On Monday mornings people come to work and talk about how many hours they spent on the weekend at the office or how much work they took home.
In Montreal or Paris people work to live. All 'they' talk about on Monday morning is how much time they spent on the weekend with family and friends. Even high income succeeders live this way in places like Paris.
I know - it use to be the same in Germany - at one time. I think it is changing there too... My cousin lives in Montreal and he and is family have much more of a life. I love that city - use to drive up there all the time when I went to law school in Vermont.
I just realized that I do have a problem. When I was signing up for the conference - I felt guilty b/c I didn't NEED a break b/c I took last weekend off.
And now I am actually starting to feel a little depressed with hints of feelings of failure b/c I feel like I am being irresponsible by not working! It has caught me a little off guard b/c I use to be Ms. Vacation Taker.
There will ALWAYS be work on my desk. There will ALWAYS be people that want the work done yesterday. I have to get my house in order and adoption stuff done.
I will NEVER be caught up. I am defining my life by the length of my "to do" list.
It is a little weird - my response is to the seminar is to work harder to EARN my break. And the other odd thing is that I am really almost caught up! I have no reason to feel this way!
I might have to go to that Workaholics Anonymous meeting - there really is a group that has been started in NYC b/c this is slowly being recognized as an issue. I think 24/7 communications/availability is making it worse...
This post by TC really really resonated with me and some of my thoughts and fears as I make time to get a life and date. This is my post for the day. It is so choke full of wisdom... And yes in my anal way - I have broken it down by point and highlighted things so I don't miss anything.
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(i) I think Beth hit on something when she said "Women do better at being along after a divorce than men do". My BF was only alone for a few months after his D before he started dating,
(ii) I was alone for 4 years before dating! When I was alone, I was totally "fine"...well, after my crying my eyes out, not eating, not sleeping period...once I stabilized and accepted the D...then, I was "fine" being alone. My life was FULL with my kids, my family, work, hobbies, etc.
(iii) I got SO TIRED of people asking me "when are you going to start dating?". Even my own therapist told me I was "stuck" because I wasn't dating!
(iv) But, as wonderful as it is to have a significant other in my life, I would also be just fine without a significant other in my life. There was a time in my life where I couldn't say that, and I was never happy just "being" , I had to "be WITH someone" to be happy.
(v)I have my concerns that my BF has not learned that lesson in life yet....to be happy just "being".....he doesn't relish time alone....he would rather be with me or his kids or his friends....he is always inviting people over and entertaining....me.....
(vi) I HAVE to have my time alone, or I get SOOOOO CRANKY! The thing that saves us is my BF is a workaholic, and works 6 days a week until 7 or 8 pm at night. So, that way, I get LOTS of time to myself and time with my kids.
(vii) That whole "two year rule", I truly believe in it. The first 6 months to a year, everyone is still on their best behavior. By the end of the first year, you are JUST BEGINNING to see the REAL PERSON, with all their flaws, as they are of you. That second year is a big "dance", back and forth, figuring each other out, deciding if their flaws are ones you can live with ( and we all have flaws, darn it all!) or if those flaws are deal breakers. That second year brings conflict, and how we deal with that conflict dictates whether the R is a healthy one or not.
(viii) In my situation, I am 37 and my BF is 48. He has dated lots more than I have. I really could care less about dating more men, I am very happy with him. But, then again, I like things just as they are...my house..his house...my money...his money....my kids...his kids....and I have no desire to go any further. That being said, I am good to him. I cook for him a few times a week, do little errands for him ( as he never has time because he works so much), make sure I get a babysitter if it's not my XH's weekend so we can go out for a nice dinner, etc......
(ix) I know in my heart that I am not ready for more than we currently have, and I have to stay true to myself. If that means that I will end up an old maid and alone, so be it....because, thanks to this awful D journey...I have done the work on myself and learned to be happy all by myself.
(x) I know the day will come when my kids go to college and move away, but that's another age and another stage. I am enjoying this age and stage , one day at a time, and I finally learned to stop stressing and let go of worrying about my BF wanting more than I do. I finally realized that that's HIS problem and HIS decision, and once I let it go, it's been so much better!
Soup and TC got surviving down. I would go to those workallthetime meetings but I like it kinda like a happy drunk. Take some time off to recharge like a green car but that's it. Tomorrow it's about two weeks of Beach and Military straight thus off to the races but today I take a nap.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Wow, I am honored that you thought my post was full of wisdom! Coming from you , I take that as a big compliment!
It's amazing when I look back and see how far I have come....from literally BEGGING my XH not to leave, at the front door, on my knees, holding onto him for dear life...as if you can ever really "keep" someone where they don't want to be, physically or emotionally! I certainly won't ever do THAT again! LOL!
I read your posts from time to time, and see that your plans to adopt are finally coming to fruition! I think that's so awesome, and you will be a wonderful Mom! That will definitely cure some of your "workaholic-ness", whether you like it or not! You will just be too busy being a Mom and your baby will come first, babies always come first with Moms!
My BF is a total workaholic, and he missed out on so much when his children were younger, as his XW was also a workaholic. Their children were basically raised by live-in nannies. I find that sad. I am a teacher, and I may not make much money, but I get to spend so much time with my kids and I don't miss out on any of the big things as they grow up. That being said, I am considering starting to work on my doctorate, just one class a semester...it will take me FOREVER....but, it's a goal of mine...and as my kids get older and don't think it's all that cool to hang out with Mom anymore, it will give me something else to focus on!
Well, just wanted to say hi and say thanks for your nice words about my post, it made me feel good!
We really have come a long way - haven't we. I know I was a mess when I started posting. Time really does fly. I can't believe my D was final 5 years ago!
I am flattered that you read my posts. You were ahead of me when I joined the BB and I consider you to be one of the wise oldtimers. You always sound so level headed and handled the OW related issues so well. You worked through it and let it go. And you had a number of other tough circumstances on your plate too. I think it is really great that you can talk about H as being a great Dad and his W in such a detached manner - and even say that she is a great person.
I am finally getting to the point where I can see the good in my M and separate it form the bad - and there is less and less anger. It was just something in my past that didn't work out. And really if he didn't leave - I wouldn't be where I am today. And I like where I am today.
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...as if you can ever really "keep" someone where they don't want to be, physically or emotionally! I certainly won't ever do THAT again! LOL!
I hear you on that one! It is so much nicer to be with someone that respects you, appreciates you and wants to be in your life. I use to define myself by The X deciding to leave - that is NOT going to happen again. That is not to say I won't be hurt if a future R ends. But it won't devastate my sense of self like it did last time.
As for kids, I really like how you describe this part of your life as a phase that want to enjoy. One of my good GF's that I re-connected with recently described her life the same way - that she was enjoying the family phase of her life. That is what I want. I want kids so I can spend time with them and be a part of their lives. They grow and change - and they are suddenly all grown up and gone. That is the main reason I started my own firm and work out of my home. I don't want to leave my kids with nannies. I need to work harder at containing work - and think I will get there soon. Thank you for your vote of confidence. It really does mean a lot to me.
There are times I feel like the whole dating thing is out of phase at this point in my life. I feel like I did all that and tried the M thing - and it didn't quite work out so I am moving on to the next part. I keep making dating a goal - but it feels forced at times. I do need to get out more and have a little more fun in my life. But I don't feel like I am missing out on anything b/c I am not in an R.
I read your posts the last time you posted about your BF. I was very happy to see that you were able to set boundaries and that he respected them. I like how you aren't worried about where it is going and what it means, etc. Barb has an R that is a lot like yours. I know I am not ready for more than that. I am not sure if I will even want more than that - it may change but I am not in a position to make any promises.
I am glad you posted. Thank you for the update. I feel like it is okay to be in an R w/o completely merging my life with another person. I hope you will post periodically about how you are doing. Your post really helped me.
I had posted about how I was taking the initiative to contact GF's in my neighborhood that might be a better fit for me. And takes work b/c I have to get off my butt and call people - instead of just show up somewhere.
I went out to breakfast with two women - and it was so nice. With the bored housewives - all they do is drink and talk about sex. All three of us were born in 1965 - so really I do have people to grow old with. We are all battling the bulge and the bloat - a battle that changes as you age - but not to the point where we can't enjoy a great breakfast!
They all also have very organized lives. We are a good mix - I am just work. GF1 is just kids. GF2 is kids and work. But we all think and operate the same way. GF1 wants to put together a girls trip to NYC.
Anyway - I really had an enjoyable morning. Ever since I have been picking friends based on who do I feel comfortable with - as opposed to who picks me, I am enjoying these friendships a lot more.
Actually a post on Barb's thread struck a cord with me when she described her GF's and father's impatience when she was viewing the cottage she was considering purchasing. This was something that was important to her and I will have to post to her on her thread and ask her how she felt about that. I find myself in similar situations at times. I feel like I should set a boundary - but am not quite sure that that boundary is...so I say nothing and accommodate - and then don't feel so great about the experience.
Anyway, these GF's are M - and they share their lives with their H's. But it isn't a complete merging of identities. I keep looking around for R's I can live with. Funny how I still think of an R as this thing that one must do - but really is a lot of work...
Nuff rambling for today. I have work to get out the door. My list is shrinking - want to shrink it more - it is working hours after all.
Life is good. There are challenges - but I feel a general sense of peace. It is a very nice feeling.
Made me smile... Hard work - especially academically is an integral part of my culture. 
It has caught me a little off guard b/c I use to be Ms. Vacation Taker.