I see that it is a long journey you are on... I admit sometimes I envy your position. My H is not coming back. But other times I see that it is a lot of hard work to put things back together right. A worthwhile task, though, and I think you are doing a great job of it!
Sage (good name choice), When you suggested to Jethro: "If I let go of my pain...I....* feel like I'm sending the message that an a. is "get overable" or OK"....you really hit a cord w/me. I struggle with that very issue. While I realize that my H and I can't move forward if I keep badgering him about his A...I know that I fear that "letting it go" will somehow be saying to him exactly what you said to Jethro. And an A or the continued ommissions or lies related to it keep closure from ever happening. So I wonder, how do we find the balance? T2
Hello everyone. Thanks to everyone's visits. They are much appreciated. I took everyone's advice and stayed away from the BB a bit...tried to step back and chill. Admittedly, I find it hard to be on the BB sometimes, as it is a constant reminder of my W's infidelity. I'm afraid soon I'll have to stop coming here, but I don't yet have the nerve. It was good to take some time away, but I do miss you guys and think of all of you often.
I continue to go through my day-to-day struggles with the afteraffects of her A. I just sometimes feel like I can't get over it. Hopefully, someday soon it won't bother me so much. It just disgusts me. My W continues to be remorseful about the whole thing, but it is of little consolation to me. Don't get me wrong, it helps to hear her say she's sorry, but nothing except time and my own efforts will really heal my pain. I keep telling myself that "I just need to get over it," but alas, it's easier said than done.
I am also plagued with the fact that I'm not sure that she REALLY loves me. I mean, she says she does, but I'm not convinced. I question whether she's just resigned herself to being M to me because we have a family and history together. Occasionally she DOES tell me that she loves me, but these moments seem fleeting. I do appreciate them, but again, they are rare. For her, this has been the biggest dilemma in our R because for years she's questioned her love for me. We've both talked about this and she tells me that she does feel love for me sometimes, and that she wonders if it is an intimacy block within herself preventing herself from letting go (or letting me in). I believe this MAY be true, but I don't want to wait the rest of life to find out. I do have expectations of what a healthy R should be and although we seem to be getting there, we've got a ways to go.
Patience...patience...patience...
Thanks for the poem, Sandra.
Appreciate the feedback, meTarzana. And how are things going with you, my dear?
KAW, like I previously said, I took your advice and went on a "mental hiatus." I believe it has definitely done some good. Like you, work for me lately has also been demanding...
Hey Stacy, long time no talk. I'll try and get over to your thread soon.
Hi PNT! Glad you came by. It has been some time. I'll try to catch up soon.
BobM, I very much appreciate your insights. How often do you feel angry/resentful? Do you find it gets to be less and less? I'm struggling with this almost daily. I do think that she has NOW told everything there is to know. I mean, sometimes she tells me details about the OM that I could live without, but I let her talk because I think she feels better about telling me some of these details...even though it's likely just as painful for her.
Thanks SB, Sage, SAM, Robin, and T24.
I'll try to stop by some threads in the next couple of days. Work has been crazy...
but I understand ... once the D appears "busted", this bb can become a two edged sword in ways, can be a hinderance in the healing process as much as being a godsend...
Quoting jethro: I am also plagued with the fact that I'm not sure that she REALLY loves me. I mean, she says she does, but I'm not convinced. I question whether she's just resigned herself to being M to me because we have a family and history together. Occasionally she DOES tell me that she loves me, but these moments seem fleeting. I do appreciate them, but again, they are rare.
I'm in the same boat!! If my W remains in M from here on out, I think I will always have that question in the back of my mind too ... but I remain hopeful that some day in the future, she will come to the conclusion it was the right choice to make for her happiness and with her happiness will come her love. Basically, that's how it happened the first time and this is one case where I'm hoping history can repeat itself, then I'll make sure it takes a different road from there.
Hey, I just hope I can get to the point that I can even begin to feel resentful after getting my ex back. I know that when that day happens, and we are back together, that the resentment of OG will surface. When that happens I am checking into counseling, to get help for me before it is too late. Gee be thankful you are together and can build on that.
Kaw and Jethro: I'm going to challenge you both! For the next four days, why don't you write down all of the little, seemingly insignificant things that your W's do that express love (and yes, I would include sticking their hands into your dirty socks to turn them rightside out before they go into the laundry!) LOLOL...you game?
Okay, Tal, I DOUBLE DARE THEM!! come on KAW and Jethro!
Seriously Jethro, I have to say I'm with you two. My H says ILY every day, maybe more than once, but it's the same kind (mostly) of ILY's that he gave me before and partly during the Affairs!
I wonder about the veracity and depth of his "love" too. I wonder about my own sometimes.
Of course it's now "anniversary time" for me...with one year since A#2 started, and went on....YUCK!! All I can say Jethro is that it DOES get easier to deal with, and then WHAM!!! after weeks or months of "almost forgetting" there it is in your face again....at least that was my experience this weekend.
But each time the upset is less, the aftermath shorter. Healing does happen, be patient.
Anger and resentment DO surface...in fact it took a while for me to even get there, there was so much HURT first.
Yes, the DOUBLE DARE! Actually, my H gave me this idea. He told me that before the A, he'd gotten in the frame of mind that he doubted my love for him and was looking for evidence that I didn't.
Now, he realizes that I did all along, and is noticing all the WAYS that I show it.
ILY's are great, but I bet if you look for all the little things your W's DO that SHOW love, you will find more than you think.
Quoting KAW:once the D appears "busted", this bb can become a two edged sword in ways, can be a hinderance in the healing process as much as being a godsend...
Yeah...that's for sure!
Quoting elwood:Gee be thankful you are together and can build on that.
I am thankful, elwood, but that doesn't diminish how I feel about the BS my W has put me through for the last couple of years. When DBing, one first focuses on just getting their S back. This takes a lot of effort, much of which requires putting pain on the back-burner to concentrate on the task at hand. The second part, during Piecing, is trying to deal with all of the BS that previously transpired. Frankly, the second part is far more difficult. My W and I briefly talked about it last night and I told her that after going through having to deal with her bitchiness for a year and then the A was harsh on my system and I am simply trying to recalibrate. That's what I feel I've been doing for the last so many months: recalibrating.
Quoting talitsa:For the next four days, why don't you write down all of the little, seemingly insignificant things that your W's do that express love.
Talitsa, it's not that my W doesn't express love for me in many ways, but my point is her love only runs so deep. Now, don't get me wrong, I actually don't think she is capable of giving anyone else any more love than she gives me (due to intimacy issues)...it's just that I'm not sure she's convinced that there isn't someone out there for whom she can feel this deep love. This is my dilemma.
Quoting SB:I can say Jethro is that it DOES get easier to deal with, and then WHAM!!! after weeks or months of "almost forgetting" there it is in your face again....at least that was my experience this weekend.
But each time the upset is less, the aftermath shorter. Healing does happen, be patient.
Anger and resentment DO surface...in fact it took a while for me to even get there, there was so much HURT first.
SB, I find it extremely hard to deal with...even eight months after finding out about her A. I am reminded daily... Frankly, I wonder why it upsets me so much. I guess, for me, my W and I were highschool sweathearts and I ALWAYS felt like we were meant to be together and I have always loved her very much. For some years now I have not felt this love reciprocated, so I guess it's no wonder. Needless to say, she's done enough damage to make me question my feelings about her. This cr*p is so unfortunate...
Needless to say, she's done enough damage to make me question my feelings about her. This cr*p is so unfortunate...