Hey, Kimmie, I haven't seen you in ages!!! So good to see you!!! I just started coming to this forum b/c so many of us seem to be here, and I will be too soon--in the middle of a divorce.
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I have not even been back to my C because she is now counseling H and his OW to help them be successful in their new relationship. Nice, huh? They are engaged and H is still married to me.
OK, that is so messed up; that they are undergoing counseling when your H is married! And the fact that they need or think they need counseling already--yeah, I'm sure they'll be together for many years--not! And what kind of C would take a married man and his girlfriend to help them out???? I say no big loss; that C sounds a little wacky to me anyway!!!
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When is this A going to burn out? When will there be trouble in paradise?
It will, well 90% of them do so chances are good that they won't be together for much longer. I've always heard 6 months to 2 years is average. They don't have very good odds, and then they say out of the few that marry, they have very high rates of divorce also. I've thought for a while now you know the only people that get involved with a married man or woman are probably dysfunctional, and most of our WAS are dysfunctional (sometimes lately I think my H is crazy). So put together 2 dysfunctional people and eventually it'll crumble apart I think...
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I now think that DB is wrong about not pursuing. I think I should have asked H "Why?", I should have done SOME pursuing. Now, I can't. And I believe that there is such a thing as too much space. It really does make your H believe that everything is OK and they have nothing to feel guilty about. It simply reinforces their idea that they made the right decision in walking away.
Well, I did enough pursuing in my sitch the first month or 2 to make up for both of us! And it didn't work! Things just got worse-he was running away as I was chasing after him like DR says will happen. I also do think that your H realizes that everything is not OK and they prob. do feel guilt although I think most or all try really hard to avoid thinking about that! My H for the first time expressed remorse a couple weeks ago, came to me really upset and apologized for messing up my life. So I think sometimes they often don't express that, I mean is probably hard for them to admit they screwed up. I think sometimes they emerge from the fog or their As break up, and they maybe they look at us at that point and sometimes they don't. I have really worked on Dbing for myself lately, and I am a stronger, more confident, happier person. My H may appreciate that someday, but if he doesn't I do think I will find someone that does, as we all hopefully will... Karen
I now think that DB is wrong about not pursuing. I think I should have asked H "Why?", I should have done SOME pursuing. Now, I can't. And I believe that there is such a thing as too much space. It really does make your H believe that everything is OK and they have nothing to feel guilty about. It simply reinforces their idea that they made the right decision in walking away.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Kimmie....
I understand your anxiety about this.
There are folks on the board who will say never to pursue. That is not DBing. Not pursuing is important to do when it isn't working, when it's MORE OF THE SAME, when you're feeling or acting desperate or needy....etc, as described in the LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE.
But ... if all you do is go dark...what kind of relationship is that.
Sending your H the email was a good thing...it was testing the waters. And you SHOULD do that from time to time.
It's important to learn how to come out of the dark.
And yet...he's still involved with OW, and your counselor, who SEEMS to be unethical hasn't helped.....so you haven't had as much opportunity to try to test the waters. Don't second guess yourself, I don't know your WHOLE situation....but I know this much has been good decisions.
If you had a wild idea about something you wanted to try, what would it be?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well, I think I just pursued again and I am upset and crying. Why can't I get over this?
I sent an email two weeks ago asking if H would like to try to settle our finances w/o atty. No response. So I sent a letter shortly after saying the same thing. No response.
Today, I sent a text asking if we could settle this on our own. Response from H, finally: "I'll Take it up with my atty." My response back to H: "Ok, H."
I feel like such a loser.
Well, I guess if nothing else, I found that the way to get a response is to text. Sigh....
Kimmie, I would say that what you did was try to be assertive in regards to your financial needs, it was not pursuing. It is reasonable to try to settle issues without the high cost of legal help. His lack of response or rejection of that proposal does not make your attempt stupid or even pursuit,in the Db sense of the word. You tried but he wants to spend the bucks for whatever reason. Good for you for giving it a shot!
