I am an "old-timer" here , as well. I haven't posted in a long time, but still lurk. I have been D for 5 years and have 8 year old boy/girl twins. My ex has remarried a wonderful lady, and our R is good...mostly because he is being a good Dad and that's all that matters to me now.
Anyway, I can really relate to your situation. I began dating my bf a little less than 3 years ago ( man..time flies!). I felt the same way you do....enjoyed having someone to go out with and the companionship.....but, still craved my "me time" and my time alone with my kids. Even with younger kids, it's not easy.
I think when we have gone through the fire and come out the other side as strong and independent as we are....and that strength and independence was a long time coming....we just are not willing to give it up so easily.
In your sitation, 6 months is such a short time. I remember my bf started wanting to get serious only 4 months after we were dating...and I had to put the brakes on.....I told him that I think it takes about 2 solid years to really even "know" someone....and that I would have to be dating someone AT LEAST 2 years before anything more serious would be entertained. But, now it's been almost 3 years, and I STILL do not see myself wanting to get remarried....Anyway, back to you...6 months is WAY TOO SOON to EVEN THINK about anything more than having FUN! So, keep having FUN, and look at is as you have your cake and are eating it too! You deserve it! You have a great guy to go out and have fun with, and you have your wonderful kids to come home to....the two don't have to mesh right now....you can do both....and you should!
Fortunately, my bf hasn't pushed the issue much lately...he used to , but I pretty much let him know that my kids came first and that I wasn't up for the whole blended family thing....and then he let it go. The day may come when he wants "more", but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in how you are feeling. I felt that way after 6 months of dating, and I STILL feel that way. My twins are 8, and we have a rhythm to our house that "works". I was by myself after my ex and I separated until I started dating bf for 4 years! 4 years of raising toddler twins by myself, keeping up my own house, working full time, etc....as I said, we have a "rhythm", and I am not ready to change that rhythm right now.
Sorry to have highjacked your thread, but I hope I helped you to see that what you are feeling is totally normal!
Hi TC...I welcome hijacks on this thread! Thanks for your input. I agree that my kids and I have our own rhythm...and the thought of throwing someone else into the mix is just not too appealing right now. My BF has a few times offered me what to him is support in the way of suggestions about the kids - but to me it feels like he is interfering in how I raise my kids. I guess it helps to know that I am not the only single woman to feel the hesitation on jumping back into a serious relationship. So I'm not crazy!!! Well, not much...
BF and I have had a discussion twice about me not being where he is in terms of willing to commit, or to move onto the next stage. I have explained that I have spent three years on my own and I am not ready to give up that independence. I have explained that my kids are teenagers and that it is hard enough raising three teenagers without adding another battle to fight. I have explained that I work two jobs and take care of a house, three kids and a dog on my own, not to mention the time I spend caring for my 83 yr old mother. (this is where he suggested I make a chore chart for the kids and have them do more in return for their allowance! They do chores, and they are good kids - but any mom will tell you the major burden is up to her!) He works from home so can make his own hours, has his kids a few days a week at the most (they don't live with him), and has no other commitments. So I don't think he gets it...we have the talk, and it goes better for awhile - then the pattern repeats. In this case, he may not have the patience to hang in there, and I may not have the patience to continue to deal with the same issues over and over again. Which would be a shame, because he is a good man - but if the timing is off, it's all off.
On another issue, I was talking to two other divorced women who get along very well with their XH's. They both said that what made the major difference in how well their relationship went with the XH was how the XH handled things regarding the kids. One woman said that she received child support, but that when extra things came up for the kids, she knew she could call her XH and say "things are tight for me, but Johnny needs this or that" and her XH would provide it. No questions asked, no blaming or using guilt - she just knew that he appreciated the fact that she was providing a home and he tried to help with the extras. That respect coming from him meant the world to her, and she was able to forgive the pain of the divorce and give him the same respect back.
Hi VJ! It was so great checking in and seeing your name pop up. And my, what a timely topic. I'm struggling right now with my relationship with my new guy. I have had all the same anxieties and questions that you brought up. Really, how is all of this suppose to work? How do we deal with the "baggage"(as my mother likes to call it)?
If I can give you any advice it would be to trust your instincts. Do what is right for you, VJ. You have been through a lot and coming out a little battle scarred on the other side has some advantages. I think of it sort of like a person who is blind. I'm told that their other senses are much keener than the average person as a way to help compensate for the loss of sight. The war you just survived gave you new survival skills. Trust them and use them.
Thanks again for checking in. I love the updates of all the "Oldtimers".
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Hi Spitty! Great to hear from you! And while I don't like it that you have the same struggles I do - sure wish we ALL could have it easy! - it's good to know I am not the only one feeling this way about a new relationship.
Had ANOTHER talk last night with BF. It seems to be where we can't enjoy any time together. He wants to talk it out every time we see each other. While I understand the importance of communication - I know my marriage would have been better had my XH talked to me before he looked toward OW - I really just wanted to have a nice dinner and relax.
He feels neglected (I know) and feels like we are pulling apart (I am pulling back because he is moving forward faster than I am comfortable with). He says that he understands my time constraints and knows it is important that most of my energy goes to the kids and finding a job...but understanding it doesn't make it easy to deal with. He kept asking several times "are you in this with me?" and my response was that I am in the relationship, but not to the same extent that he is - what else could I say? He is further along than I am ready to go. I am not looking for anyone else, and if this doesn't work out, I may not date again for a LONG time. But I am not at the point where I am sure I want to try and balance everything out to make this relationship a more permanent and steady part of my life - trying to integrate our kids, spending most evenings together, doing things like grocery shopping and working on my house together. That is what he is ready to do, and even though he says he understands and can be patient, in reality, it is hard for him to be patient when he wants more.
A few weeks ago, I was on vacation with the kids, and when we got home, he assumed I would rush over to see him, since I had been gone 5 days. I just wanted to settle in, get the laundry started, and relax after a great time with my kids. In my mind, I would see him within the next few days and that was fine with me. He was hurt.
He sent me a song on the computer, attached to an email. It was from a concert we had gone to. I listened to it, smiled, and appreciated it, but then got busy and didn't respond until I spoke to him the next day. He was hurt, and said it had been a very special song to him and the fact that I hadn't responded to it (in the way he thought I would) upset him.
So we go in circles. I think last night finally ended in some understanding, but we've done this before and the pattern repeats within a few weeks. So we'll see...he is a very good man, loving, caring, and crazy about me. But this may be a case of when either the person or the timing is just not quite "right", and that is sad. Also hard for me to hurt someone...I just don't like doing that, but I know I can't continue to tread along making myself crazy. The last thing I need right now in my life is one more person to juggle things in order to keep him happy!
I haven't heard from the interview...so I will go to my crummy barely-over-minimum-wage job today, and when I get home tonight prepare another ten resume packets to send out tomorrow. Sigh. Pray something comes up for me...somehow, agreeing to three years of alimony seemed like enough time to get on my feet - three years ago. Now I've been told by several attorneys I should never have settled for less than five years for a 15 yr marriage...where were they three years ago??!!
Oh well, I just keep praying for the right job to come along. Things can turn around in a single day. God knows my needs and He knows my heart - I was trying to keep the peace.
I was lurking on your thread and didn't have much to add until now...
Your latest post set off some red flags...
He sounds a little on the needy and clingy side. He seems more concerned about his need for a commitment than your need for space. The more you say you need space - the harder he seems to push for more...
You weren't ready to call him your BF when you first started posting. Perhaps your inner voice is trying to tell you something. Trust your instincts.
Also I read TC's post and it was a contrast - her BF seems to have accepted her need for her own space for her kids right now.
Just an observation.
Hang in there with your job hunt! Just keep plodding along with the resumes and interviews. All you need is one good offer - keep the faith that it will happen.
Yes, I think BF is on the needy side. You might be right and my sister suggested the same thing. Maybe in my excitement and finding a nice, handsome, single man I ignored some flags at the beginning.
It gives me something to think about, for sure. Right now my focus has to be on other things, and the more he pushes, the more I pull back.
More later, I'm working on job applications! Thanks, friends...
Ditto, VJ, on all of the stuff you posted. Except that in my sitch I'm dealing with some serious issues involving his relationship with his kids and how it impacts our relationship. We have been dating a little over a year. I saw the red flags. I was too excited by the relationship to heed them. Be very careful. MY guy is all those great things you mentioned, too. Our troubles are crushing him. Needy. Yes. Clingy. yes. I hate the fact that all of this is hurting a very decent guy.
What is our alternative?
I can't remember exactly where you are but I know we are in the same general area. Wish we could meet for lunch.
I will pray that your job situation improves.
Hang in there, VJ and I will try to do the same.
Hugs, Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I hear what you're saying but have you ever thought that this guy is just that crazy about you? Men think differently when it comes to children, especially middle aged men. First of all I believe that women do much better being alone after being married than most men (not talking about you ALL). Secondly, we have always put our kids first. How do you change that? Then we have this "person" wanting into our life and somehow we feel as if they are taking up our time with the kids or expecting us to put them before our kids. Heck, their own Dads didn't put them first. If they had they wouldn't have done what they did. Maybe we just feel guilty or maybe it's more a feeling of being intruded upon. Maybe we're just plain scared and also that we still haven't completely given up the dream. We're all scared, but because of that do we look too closely for flaws? I wonder.
You have a lot to think about. One fact that will never change is that before we know it our kids will have their own lives. Hopefully they will always want us in their lives but they won't NEED us as they now do.
My point is that he may not be "needy". It may just be that your not being on the same page has brought up lots of questions. Possibly after 1 of your talks you think that things are resolved and then relax a bit which in turn gives him the wrong signals. Like ALL said, dating should be fun.
Maybe you're worrying too much about hurting his feelings and try to soften the blow, but everything you've written here about your feelings makes a lot of sense. Maybe you should read over what you've written here about how you feel before you have another talk. First and foremost I would really think about how much of this is you because these are things that you are going to run into in any relationship eventually if the guy cares about you as this man obviously does.
Well, not much...
