Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[cw68]

He's so deluded in ways. He thinks this is going to be easy, that's we will just get along. I'm going to NYC in a couple of weeks and there's an open water swim very early on the the morning I leave. A few weeks ago he asked if when I was leaving, if would be able to watch them early and he'd just come over afterwards. I told him I thought it would work.

In my quest to busy myself somehow, I'm looking at things to do while in NYC and double-checked my flight. I won't be able to watch the kids so I emailed him.

Just got a reply, "No biggie, haven't been swimming enough anyway. We'll take you to the airport." It's a 45 minute drive.

There is where I tell him, "No thank you, I'll get there on my own."

[seekpeaceofmind]

Passive/aggressive is so hard to deal with. Part of it seems to be this "all or nothing", "win or lose" way of looking at things. At least, that's what I see w/ my P/A H and it is so frustrating not to have a chance to deal with things - that the whole thing is totally one-sided - all of the issues have been named, debated, and settled in his mind before you even get a chance to hear about them.

I haven't seen your earlier threads, but just reading your first one here, I'm really sorry for your sitch. I know what you mean about the hurt increasing with each day - I keep waiting for the part of this journey where I start to feel stronger and better about myself as a person. When your M falls apart, time changes. It's like when you are a kid and you think a year is a long time. You start out your M crisis thinking of timeframes - how long you can cope, when it should be "over" and then your concept of time starts to shift. Oh, you think, I've already done this for a year? How much longer will it take? It's great that you can at least affirm for yourself that you know you can get thru this, that you know you will overcome. You don't need to know how, just have faith that you will. Do sleep, rest, build your strength for the changes and struggles ahead.

[JenInVen]

He thinks this is going to be easy, that's we will just get along

You sure you're aren't married to my H? He'll go out of his way to make sure I know we're done and then offer to help with something or just show up and take me to lunch.

Hang in there CW you'll get through this.

Jen

[LolaL]

(((cw))) Just read your post, and it breaks my heart as well. I hurt for you!!! I am so sorry you have to go through this. If I may, I would like to share something with you.

Your relationship, as you know it, is over. That is true. But that does not mean that you can't start over with your H in a new relationship. Some of the best healing I have experienced is to stop thinking of a "reconciliation" per se, but to view that as over, and realize that there is a time that the healing is done, and you are ready for a new relationship. Who says that new relationship can't be with your H?

Acceptance is a difficult thing, but it also brings some sense of relief. It means you start to work on healing from the old relationship, and that you will be better equipped to start a new one. I like the thought of starting over, because, as Michele says, there was a reason why your H fell in love with you, and it can happen again.

Breath...and remember it ain't over til the fat lady sings!!!

Lola

[mkultra]

Hey, wow isn't amazing how parallel some of our sitches are? It is like a phase so many of us are going hrough at the same age with the same stories and ages of kids. It has to be more than a coincidence. Like an epidemic of sorts. Keep in touch. I am also in your backyard by Great America and Marine World!!

[7 Year Itch]

He never spoke his mind, he never stood up for himself until this act. Passive aggressive indeed. He never once said he was unhappy, he went straight to divorce. We rarely fought. Everyone but him, me included, thought we were a happy, strong couple. But inside this rage, anger and disgust built and built until he couldn't make it right again, he didn't want to make it right again.

OK, this is eerie. I think we are married to the same man. Seriously. This is my exact sitch, and for me, I think a huge reason why I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with this. I was never invited to the fight. Never told, "I'm falling out of love with you" or " I'd like us to go to counseling". Nope..... I planned a sitter for us to go on a date night, and our date night ended up being the Bomb, of "I don't love you anymore, never will again, I'm done. Divorce time".

I was flabbergasted. Seriously. And I don't know about you, but I have so much anger building from it. He still focuses on what "I" did to him, and yet takes NO responsibility that it NEVER had to get this far, if he had just opened his mouth and told me how he felt.

It's just mind boggling. Sorry, didn't mean to take over your thread, I just see SO many similarities in our stories. And like you, I'm very much feeling defeated and that DB isn't going to work for me. I'm still going to try it, but he's just so stubborn and resolved too.

Chris

[cw68]

I looked good and acted totally "as if" tonight. Was able to have a rational conversation about living situations and the legal end of things. While H says he doesn't want to drag this out for longer than necessary, he's in no hurry to file anything legal. I told him that I understood and accepted that it was over, but that I was concerned about finances and health insurance for me. Told him that if he doesn't want to sell the house ASAP and try to keep it for a while then not filing anything is the way to go because I couldn't afford it on child and spousal support. He said he'd contribute any way necessary. I also told him I was very concerned about health insurance for me and offered up the legal separation as an option since there's no one else, explaining to him that it holds appeal to me because I can stay on the insurance and just pay him the difference that covering me adds. He said I didn't have to pay for it and said he'd think about legal separation.

I'm not going to pull what I did after Mother's Day and think that this means there's a chance for us. There isn't. This is cold, hard rational thinking about finances and health insurance for me.

After dinner he came back and we played Monopoly. It was so telling IMO. We were laughing and enjoying it as a family. H and D7 start to get bored. H starts complaining about things. D7 asks me if I thought the game was fun because she thinks Monopoly gets kind of boring. I told her that I didn't think the game itself was super exciting, but that us all hanging out, playing and interacting was the fun part. H has all this in his hands and he's focused on how the game isn't fun. Game ends as S5 runs out of money. Then he cried for 20 minutes because he wanted to play and nobody was letting him. He was crying violently. I was trying to console him and kind of ignore him at the same time, not letting him pull a lot of attention for it but know that I was there for him. D5 went up to his room. H went to follow him, I said that I didn't think this was about the game and said he should probably leave soon. He agreed. S5 told me during his crying fit that it was all my fault and that he didn't like me. I kissed him, told him I loved him and left because H was comforting him. To busy myself I went outside to water the garden where the drip system is busted. H came out to say goodnight and I sprayed water all over him, smiling friendly-like the whole time. It felt so good! Then as he hugged me goodbye I said, "This better be worth it."

Night night. I'm a bit better than before. I have to start moving on.

[cw68]

To be honest, up until the last month I thought he just might change his mind. Now I look back and wish I would have done things so differently. I think that if I would have taken the hard line early on he would have come back to try. By giving him the room I did, I slowly allowed him to deal with his guilt and overcome it. I failed. He failed completely, I realize that, but I think if I would have done things differently, less pie-in-the-sky then I might not be here right now.

Went and looked at a house I want to rent. H and I spoke on the phone about logistics, finances, the house and papers. He is filing them (divorce, not legal separation) in a few weeks. I am starting to research jobs, reach out to old colleagues and these changes are become all very real and frightening.

I am trying not to be angry at H but it's hard. I told him that I am very angry at the $100k+ we will lose on the house. In my mind, I blame him for this and hope I can get over it. He's not very concerned about the money and that's because he has a kick-ass job. Yes, a fair amount of that will be coming my way with the kids and a few years' worth of spousal support, but he'll be fine. I may not be. That's on top of everything else, even the little things like I don't know how our kids are going to be able to get to/from soccer or if they'll have to skip it because both parents work and it might be impossible for them to participate. grrrrr

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think that if I would have taken the hard line early on he would have come back to try.

Or he might have gotten mad, and run faster. Don't second guess yourself. I think you did the right thing, I really do.

((((((cw))))))

Keep your head up, in the end I know you WILL be fine!

[cw68]

OK, money's starting to freak me out again. Child care costs for my kids in this area will average out to $608 per month, and that's just my half. Good God. I am sooo going to be struggling, even if child support and spousal support.

I'm so pissed.