Hey buddy What I did was to be determined I would not base my happiness on the reactions of others. I looked at worst case senerio (living under a interstate overpass in a cardboard box) and decided if that would happen I would be happy.
It is not an instant execution of that decision and it is not easy but it is necessary. Otherwise you will die a death every time a relationship fails. I believe God is in control and I am not thus if something falls through there is a reason or several and I am not privy to that answer. It does not matter if it's my, her, or no one's fault since fault does not matter.
Failure in a new relationship is better than a repeat of the reason you are on these boards and that does not mean the other person is wrong but possibly the relationship between you two was.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Now, don't you know that is the old "stinkin thinking" acting up? I can hear it only because I only just snapped out of it myself. You don't know for sure WHAT it is that made her turn away. Get back to basic DB, GAL, focus on you.
No problem TK.... there is lots that can be learned from those that have gone before us.
Hill makes a good suggestion in that we should be cautious not to put our expectations of happiness in the behaviour of others. This is a trap I fell into and felt hurt big time.
Also, the thing you mention about the dumper reading only what they want to read/hear. That is so true. Their filters are on full strength for many reasons.... they may not even realize them all. They are looking for excuses to treat the person they are dumping in the hurtful way that they are.
They are probably rationalizing at all levels.... conscious and sub conscious alike. I know everyone recognizes my XW doing it constantly and conspicuously. The more she runs from the truth, the more her behaviours yell of the truth. The extreme overstatements of denial.
All of this to prove she did not need me. Prove it to herself anyway. I used to put so much stock in how she treated me and behaved. It was not until I was free (for the most part) of her actions that I was free to begin to be happy again. It was a long process and I sought help on many levels.
In a way, my substance abuse was a blessing in disguise because of the tremendous support we seek to deal with our substance problem... ends up helping us with our underlying life problems. And our program involves "rigorous honesty". Which leaves little to no wiggle room for bs thinking and behaviour to take hold.
Anyway... glad you are getting something out of these dialogues. I know I do and particularly when my sitch was more recent.
TK I realize this board is place to vent and often the bb readers see the darkest side thus any response is colored to that trend.
When one acts as a victim one always looses. We are a society that thrives on being victims and I believe many of us are becoming a nation of loosers ripe for the winners to pick. If one enjoys feeling sorry then by all means continue that person has a lot of company.
That does not stuff a coat hanger so you got a cheesy smile that means do your homework. What went wrong then, what went wrong now, revisit the past only to research lessons. Not to brood.
in a nutshell * Find out what went wrong * Create a vision of what you want to be (very hard) * lay out benchmarks to get you there. Create short term goals. * Realize nothing is a straight line but peaks and valleys. You will have down days and dissapointments. * Pick a route you enjoy. If you do not achieve your vision or you realize your vision was not what it is cracked up to by you had fun on the way. On the way up listen and shutup. Everyone's favorite story is themself and if you just listen you can make connections.
Side notes Do not depend on a stray opinion of others to sidetrack you. If a course of your peers whom you respect give you the same message it may or may not warrent action but just listen.
Learn to ask questions. Do not just accept what others hand you. When you do not get the answers or results you want look at what you are going for or learn to ask better questions.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Probably one of the weaknesses of the relationship you had was that it was formed as a result of the traumatic experiences of your respective divorces. Perhaps once the pain subsided, this woman you are pining away for didn't feel the same connection you did.
It's just my impression, but it seems that as we get older, or are coming out of a divorce, we look immediately for someone that is potentially long-term/marriage material. We forget that each of us probably went through quite a few failed relationships prior to ever getting married. Not every one was meant to be. That could be the case with this one. I know it hurts you, but your ex-gf may just want different things than you.
I can't remember how long you were together, but I do like to point one thing out to sometimes help gain perspective. Think about old girlfriends that you've broken up with in the past. Do you think about them still? Do you even wonder if they are pining away for you? Do you even wonder if you ex-Wife pines away for you? If the answer is no, that could be the same way that your ex-gf feels. She may have moved on entirely. I'd suggest you let her go. Get yourself back out there when you are ready. Right now you are in a very needy place that wouldn't be attractive to her anyway.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I don't know what made her turn away. But I think I know this, I doubt I will ever really know.
I never knew with my ex wife either. Hill you have good advice and I know that is what needs to be done...but It seems the first step is never really solveable. I don't know what changed, I asked and got no real tangable response.
I haven't tried to play the victum in this Other than to say, I don't get it. I am sure I made mistakes of my own in this relationship.
Phoenix, I have thought about girls I have broken up with too. But for me, if a relationship made it past 6 months, It was not me doing the breaking. That is to say, I knew by then wheather or not I was going to stay and deal with ANY issue that arose. Less than 6, the infatuation was gone. More than 6 for me and it was "real" feelings.
I do know this about myself. It gets harder and harder for me to let my walls down with each passing failed relationship. Harder for me to open up and let my gaurd down.
I have noticed that your tone has not changed much since your last thread...
This was a dating R - right? Dating is all about exploring the possibility of a longer term commitment. And either person can decide to end things if it isn't working for them. No one is obligated to stay and no one is obligated to offer explanations beyond - this just isn't working for me.
I think perhaps you didn't take the time to grieve the end of your M. You didn't take the time to rebuild the foundation and/or core that defines you as an individual. That is why this is hitting you this hard. That is when this R ended, you crumbled.
R's are not suppose to define you. R's are not suppose to be your foundation. Healthy R's are relationships where two whole people decide to share a part of themselves with another person.
IMHO, you need to shift your focus off the R and onto you. What do you need to do for you so that you are a more balanced individual? Explore why you were so dependent on this woman in defining your sense of self. Explore why the meaning of life seemed to hinge on the success of your R with her.
Maybe I am missing what you mean by "defining who I am".
I know who I am. I know I offer good in this world.
I will try to explain a little of what I have been feeling.
Ex. When the tones go off at work and the call is for a basement fire, you start preparing yourself for what you may run into. You ask yourself alot of questions. Is it an old house or new house?
Are the ceilings going to be 7 or 8 feet tall ( big difference in the amount of heat your going to face)
Is it a finished basement or is it a storage area with flamables stacked to the ceiling?
Did it start by misplaced hazards or did someone start this?
Who is second truck due and will it be 4 minutes or 10 before they are there?
And in the back of your mind, there is the question most firefighters won't talk about. Will I be comming home from this call?
Your putting on your gear and doing your scene size-up from the info you have from dispatch. Trying to answer those questions. Most guys keep a picture of their family inside their helmet. I kept one of B and the Girls. Why your putting it on, at least I did, I would say to myself, bring me home safe for the girls.
Or you go to a call for a vehicle accident. You have a teen with so much head trauma because they didn't wear a seat belt you know they have brain damage. And you spend the next 45 minutes cutting the driver out of the vehicle.
You get back from these calls and all you want/need to talk to the one you love. Not always about the call but you do want to hear there voice. Now my mom is a great person...but not who I want to talk too after calls like these.
I haven't lost those feelings. It is still her and the girls I think of when I am getting ready to fight a fire or go on a medical on the highway or a shooting. It is her voice I want to hear.
I have had others who have tried to take that place since the break-up, but it does not ease me like it did with B. I've talked to these people, but after, I still want to call B.
I am not even sure why I am posting to you. After your last thread, I didn't see any point b/c it seems like you are bound and determined to cling to the idea that life is over b/c B no longer loves you.
Quote:
I really thought we had the tools to make it work. Both coming out of a divorce and all. Both having read DB and DR....and failing in holding our marraiges together.
This sentence is exactly why BB R's are discouraged! Your R was founded on shared D pain. I suspect B has moved past that and discovered that perhaps the two of you have nothing else in common beyond the fact that the two of you are D and both have read DB/DR. It takes more than that to make an R - let alone make an R work.
You dated B. She was NOT your W. She was NOT your family. The two of you dated to see if perhaps an longer term commitment was possible.
I understand you have a dangerous job - however that does not explain why you are in pain 10 months later. And dating woman after woman is nothing short of a lame attempt to bandaid your pain.
Quote:
I know who I am. I know I offer good in this world.
One that offers good the world is NOT a definition of a person. That is a high sounding phrase that says nothing.
You have work to do on yourself FOR YOU. You will have to learn to live and be happy on your own before you are ready to share yourself with someone else.
I know my post is direct and a little on the harsh side. But I am not going to coddle you and encourage the perpetuation of the notion that just b/c B doesn't love you - life has no meaning for you 10 months after a dating R has ended.
