I got a call from W around 7:20 while I was in line at Blockbuster and she says "We need to talk." I called her back once we left the store and she starts telling me about how D got mad at her in the car, took off her necklace, and hit W in the face w/ it while she was driving. As a result, D was in a big timeout when W called.
Now W said D's actions were so different since she returned from being w/ me - said it may have been b/c we were out w/ another woman and her son, her sleep pattern was thrown off, etc. Needless to say, it was all my fault. However, W then said, we need to begin to learn to talk w/ each other so we can effectively co-parent.
I just let her talk. I did tell her how I discipline D when needed, I told her I approved of how she handled the situation, I told her I was sorry for her being physically hurt by D, and agreed that raising D is the top priority over everything. The conversation went on a bit, then I brought up the house repairs and W shifted to talk about the movie they saw - Kung Fu Panda - earlier in the day.
It was here that I took a stab and told W that D's decision to call her the other day and ask for more time w/ me to be able to see the movie was 100% from D and D alone. I let her know I in no way encouraged or endorsed it and I have not ever sought to use D as a tool to get me more time w/ her.
W was quiet for a while then said "we need to figure out a way to find the middle point between what you believe I'm doing and what I believe you're doing." I wanted to respond w/ something I'm sure I would have regretted, but held my tongue and just let her talk. To me this is an easy fix - trust the other parent that they are doing what is in the best interest of the child.
W went on to say "We do need to work on getting along b/c we'll always be co-parenting D. The problem is it is so hard to do right now b/c we are at war." She then wanted me to agree that we were at war. I guess if you were France and Germany attacked you for no reason, you'd be at war. I'm like France here, except I'm fighting back - a very un-France-like thing to do. So, technically, I am at "war" but only because I was attacked, not b/c I want to be fighting. Oh, well!
So then I talk briefly to D, tell her calmly how her actions were inappropriate and why, and then she said she'd call me later and hung up. W then sends a text asking me if I was ok, if I wanted to talk to D before she went to bed and then threw in "BTW-Dad's white cell counts have elevated." Well, W's father has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, so this is bad news. I text back asking if she was ok and she replies saying she doesn't know how to answer and she reminds me to call my step-mother as it was her birthday yesterday - I had forgotten.
So, I reply thanking her (remember, she'll want to have me assassinated if I don't thank her) and told her I was calling my step-mom right then. I get a text roughly 15 minutes later asking if I'm still on the phone, then another five minutes after that, D calls to talk to me again. I get off the phone and call D back and we talk for 15 minutes until she hands the phone off to W again.
This time, W talks to me about how scared she is that her father will die soon and then reveals her mother just had surgery for cancer of the mouth yesterday. So, now she is getting emotional and crying about it and I'm trying to just listen, support, and affirm. Then she asks me "are we on the record or off the record?" I really don't know WTF is going on, so I say "off the record" and she pipes in w/ this:
Quote:
Your father isn't very young any more either and if he does pass, I am willing to go w/ you to his funeral to be there to support you emotionally b/c I know it will be very difficult on you.
WTF???? WTF????? Ok, Dad is almost 80 and he's going to die someday, but this whole statement is so confusing to me. First of all, she wants to be "off the record" so she doesn't officially contradict every little lie she's spread about me on the record. Secondly, why does she want to be there to support me emotionally? Do you support the abusive person who berated you for all those years and then raped you? No you don't. Of course not. That would be crazy. Then why would she offer? I don't know, maybe b/c she knows damn good and well that I didn't do those things and I'm not the person she says I am to everyone else.
This is totally CRAZY and now I'm so messed up I don't know what to do. I really wish she'd figure out if she needed me in her life or wanted me out. She is so frustrating. Why do people have to lose their minds and turn on us? It is pretty clear to me that she doesn't want me out of her life, but yet she says all these things about me in public.
I can't do much more of this. I think I really need this D to move on so I can start to recover from the battering I'm taking here. Who knows what W will eventually think, feel, and do? All I know is she's got a lot of crap to shovel up and I'm not willing to eat any more of it.
So, that was my night yesterday. I finished talking w/ W and then watched the 300. I think the two were similar - the relationship w/ my W right now and the relationship b/t the Spartans and Persians. Both bloody, gory, and perversely entertaining.
This morning, I got up at 4:30 and played 18 holes of golf for the first time in 6 months. The score wasn't great, but I was like a number 16 seed in the NCAA men's basketball tournament - just happy to be there. Now, I'm going to head to the gym while I'm still awake and get my cardio work in. After that, it may be nap time, but I'm not sure as of yet.
Rob, Your w is starting to sound like a character in The Theater of the Absurd. Why do you continue to enable her? Perhaps you need to give her a little reality check and say something like, "You are divorcing me and trying to take my only child, of course we are at war" . You don't divorce someone unless you no longer want to be part of their lives, period. I think you would be doing her a kindness is you refused to speak to her about anything other than drop off and pick points and times. Co parenting is a wonderful idea but when a child is living in two households , she just has to deal with the rules of whichever she is in at the time. Sure you can agree about basics but I think the reality is when D is with you it is your problem and when she is with W it is hers. What W is doing is proving she unequipped to be a single parent which she will be no matter what. Also your W just has to get it together about what divorce actually means and find a way to handle it on her own. I wonder if she has even thought about the fact her daughter will never remember her mother living with her real father. Hope she is emotionally prepared for that. The talk about parents eventual deaths sounds like a few glasses of wine talking
Quote: Your father isn't very young any more either and if he does pass, I am willing to go w/ you to his funeral to be there to support you emotionally b/c I know it will be very difficult on you.
WTF???? WTF?????
Oh, this is an EASY one!
See - much of the time, when the WAS is talking about you, they REALLY are talking about themselves. In this case, what she was REALLY trying to say was that she's scared as hell about her parents, and would like to know that you would accompany her to her PARENT'S funeral if that should come to pass.
Quote: Your father isn't very young any more either and if he does pass, I am willing to go w/ you to his funeral to be there to support you emotionally b/c I know it will be very difficult on you.
WTF???? WTF?????
Oh, this is an EASY one!
See - much of the time, when the WAS is talking about you, they REALLY are talking about themselves. In this case, what she was REALLY trying to say was that she's scared as hell about her parents, and would like to know that you would accompany her to her PARENT'S funeral if that should come to pass.
Ellie Resident Alien Translation Specialist
I loved this kml, loved it. Thank you!! Rob, there you have your answer, 100% right. Don't even dwell on it another second. That's it.
Plus, I am thinking your wife is crazy. Not behaves crazy, she is crazy. Which of course won't help YOU feel any better but if you realise that, at least you will stop trying to explain her actions. If I were in your shoes, what would you tell me Rob? If anyone of your friends was dealing with this, what would your advice be?
I respect your decision to go all the way and fight for your M, I disagree with your decision to let her get away with abuse, emotional and verbal. Sorry if I am a bit harsh. K
Thats exactly what I was thinking! Maybe its a woman thing, but I'm surprised you didnt spot that too Rob! Its obvious! She is worried one, or both of her parents will die and shes too proud or scared or whatever to ask you, if you would be there for her, but she is obviously THINKING she would hope you would, as she would be for you.
Also, the parent death thing is a classic MLC thing isnt it? I didnt see so much abuse this time in the messages, but she seems a little warmer? Well, as much as a drip from an iceberg, hey!
Perhaps you could think of some phrase to say, in an unemotional way, to let her know your boundaries in future? If she is verbally abusive, you could say...I'm sorry to hear that that is how you feel about X, but it is unnaceptable to speak to me that way" or, suggest that perhaps her migraine/stress from work/from parents is influencing the way she is communicating with you? Just say it politely, friendly even, but state the boundary? You could add, I am always here to talk to you, if you want to talk, but I wont accept being spoken to angrily... or something?
Cant think of the wrods, but she seems to have no self awareness!
It IS a baby step that she is secretly hoping that you will be there for you if her Dad dies. I guess the OM really is off the scene (as she said in the Deposition?)
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I've been trying to talk to her when she's being nice and ignore her when she's being mean. I usually don't respond when she's ugly w/ me. I did snap the other day, but mostly, I don't respond.
The fact she's started R talks w/ me seems to go along w/ your thoughts that the finality of things may in fact be sinking in for her once and for all.
I completely understand what you are saying and earlier tonight, when W brought up her parent's mortality again, I did offer to be there to help her through the process in whatever way she choose. She got silent on the subject, said thanks, then we ended the phone conversation.
Not too long later, she began playfully texting me about what D was doing tonight and even asked what I was doing and if I had a "hot date." After that, she started in w/ R questions and we've been going back an forth on that subject ever since.
So, maybe your suggestion to her that I'd be willing and able to help her out and support her when the time comes for her parents to pass helped my situation out as well.
You were not harsh, and I'd never look at your words in that way.
I do think she's crazy as well. Her actions are nuts and she is irrational. I also agree that I'm going to need to clearly set boundaries (as bizarre suggested) as to what is and is not acceptable in our conversations.
Tonight's text chat w/ her is weird and who knows where it will lead. I sure don't, but I need to find out. I'll be working on transcribing it out after I finish responding to each of your individual comments.
