CVA warned me he would pull out all the stops to get back to the power position & not to react to it in any way.
This morning he sent me an e-mail w/ lots of hints of things to come, including seeing OW again this wkend since I am apparently finished, infact, he won't be picking up S5 tonight as scheduled since that's what I want.
So what do I do? Call him wanting to know why he isn't keeping his dinner date w/S tonight as agreed.
He tells me he doesn't know what I want him to do & if I don't want to R he's not going to wait around, he'll move one direction or another now.
I then show him a crack & then it's back to "I should have never come back, I don't know if I can ever be happy w/you."
He did say he has a IC appt. on Tues w/the same person he went to last year.
I'm back to "yes, I agree w/ you, it doesn't look like we can work it out." Too late though, the damage has been done.
How is it that I could let myself be sucked back in?
I had the nicest 4 days that I've had in a year until this morning & I'm heading back there right now.
Why are we our own worst enemies??? I will post an update on my thread (so please come see me!), but suffice it to say that I just engaged in similarly dumbazz behavior tonight, albeit much worse than yours as far as impact on outcome.
I know you know what you need to do...but I swear, at what point do we get to the point of just crying 'uncle', and really just give it up?
However, given what a wild ride this has been for you, I think CVA's advice to you was absolutely spot-on...just head right back to that good spot, hunker down, and hold on...
Love and hugs to you...(((( )))))
L2
P.S> How is S5 doing with all this back and forth; or is he not very aware of it right now?
Its very late here and a bit tired so will be brief.
Our S's are living in a world of turmoil , indecision . self justification . And they keep dragging us in there from time to time and its because we let them. We are too darned good to them. Sunny , choose your direction , stay with it let your H do what he will , dont let him distract you .
After a brief backslide last week I was able to "head right back to that good spot, hunker down, and hold on...", which is where I am today, H's 1st meeting day w/ his IC since last November.
I moved back twice the distance since the latest push/pull & it seems to be working for me & definitely helps to keep the emotion out of the interactions we do have.
The flowers he sent for Mother's Day arrived in the morning before I had a chance to open the front gate, so they had to put the vase thru w/out the flowers & then put them in again one by one, making for a messy arrangement. His response when I told him was a pretty worried, "Were you out all night?"
I have noticed a change in wardrobe since I dropped out, nice, pulled together appearance has replaced the Ugg's/shorts/old sweatshirt uniform of the past year.
Lot's of sigh's when he's picking up S's, especially when I drift right past him w/out skipping a beat & engage myself in happily doing something else around the house.
Since I turned it around again, I don't have that endless loop of analyzing the R, makes it much easier to participate in my life.
I've been planning on moving out of this forum, just keep waiting to see where it all falls.
"Our S's are living in a world of turmoil , indecision . self justification . And they keep dragging us in there from time to time and its because we let them."
You're right Dave, it is because we let them & it doesn't help, only sets us back everytime.
I came across a post this morning intending to post it on CVA's thread, but couldn't get by the "not available-come back to try in a few minutes" message. So I'll just post it here before I loose it;
From Gucci Loafer-
Quote:
I have been following both of you closely. I do believe you are both "trying", but in my humble opinion I think both of your wives can still sense pursuit on both your parts. I am adamant in my beliefs that pursuit not only very seldom works in these situations, but actually delays or prolongs the inevitable. (which is that they usually don't come back until THEY FEEL YOU have let go.)
Both of you have done relationship talks and pursuit lately. I also think you are trying to justify the pursuit. I can tell you right now and told you before it doesn't work. As long as you keep up the belief that you will give it "one" last effort (again and again) then your situations will be up and down and allow you to feel like you are on a rollercoaster.
I believe you both have a choice to REALLY show your wives you have let go, without being jerks or mean spirited. I believe that women follow their feelings most of the time. The best way I have discovered in my own dating and married life for a woman to want to be with me is to show her that I am absolutely perfectly fine without her. That I am emotionally strong. That if she chooses to leave me then I will open the cage door as far as it can open. Freedom is the key to true love.
This philosophy has worked wonders for me in my dating life, love life, work life and married life. Getting to that place in your own life is the key, but I can't do it for you.
Shawshank Redemption......"Red, I decided that I can either get busy living, or get busy dying".... Think about it....
It isn't over until YOU say it is over guys..... Letting go doesn't mean it is over. It only means that you don't really care either way and really believe it... When that comes through to her, then you may see some changes. The great thing is that you won't care either way. I would "fake" it until I made it if I were in your shoes. It has worked wonder for me in my life.....
After my last post here, H told me he had a business trip to Colorado leading up to Memorial Day Weekend, that he was going to combine with seeing one of his oldest friends while he was there.
I ended up figuring out that OW was going to accompany him & asked him to skip coming over for dinner w/us the night b/f he left, that we would just see him when he came back.
He knew why I cancelled & left me a message that he had no choice but to "move thing's forward?." I just let him sit with it & made no contact during the trip, except to have S5 call him directly every other day. From the sound of his voice, I think it was an Ambien night all the way, wondering what he would find when he arrived home.
I went ahead with going to my S Daughter's graduation dinner on the day he came home & decided I would say/do nothing to indicate I was bothered by their trip, although I was going to maintain my distance, like he was an old friend. We had an excellent time....you would never have thought that we weren't a very happy couple.
He's been trying to re-establish our connection since then, w/out actually getting back together/breaking up w/OW. In fact, he pretends that he's not seeing her & I pretend (for the most part) to not notice his overnight bag/change of clothes in his car).
I went to a movie w/ him & S5 on Friday, since I'd turned him down on all the other invites, where he began picking on me to create distance.
Since it's his birthday tomorrow, I figured out that they have plans, & it wouldn't do for us to be really enjoying each other's company.
I called him the next morning & said if he wants me to join him on anything, he's going to have to treat me well. I won't have a repeat of Friday night. And if it's about his upcoming birthday, I had no intension of asking him to spend it with me, he can do what he likes, it makes no difference to me. Everything was said w/out emotion or fear.
So, I've been rewarded with a lot of "really, really nice H."
For his birthday tomorrow, the kids are giving him cards & gifts, just as last year, & there won't be any questions from me on his plans. Whew, this stuff can be painful, but it's the way it has to go. Fake it til you make it stuff.
Good lord but that man is exhausting. I'm happy to hear that you're in a good place now after the recent back-and-forth. I don't have any advice for you; just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.
Let me say I'm impressed with your endurance! You're a hell of a strong woman.
By the way, your H and my youngest share a birthday! And they're both acting like they're 5.
I wasn't able to get back to you yesterday @ our meeting spot ;), but plan on getting there today.
Don't exhaust yourself on reading my entire thread, no sense in making yourself dizzy really, here's the gist;
I think I want you now, except when you want me, then I don't know what I want....rinse & repeat.
I made it thru H's birthday Tuesday fine, didn't skip a beat from happy & positive, even when he's all of a sudden "sick". Not sick enough to keep him from coming over @ 5:30pm to pick up his cards & gifts from the kids, or go out to "catch some dinner", but sick enough to where he wanted to warn me he had to keep his distance so he wouldn't pass it on to us.
I told him, he "couldn't give us something he didn't have", to which he at least laughed.
I'm guessing he & OW had a pretty subdued evening & he thought of turning down S5 when he kept asking him if he could go to his birthday party w/him.
It is getting really easy to let him muddle around w/out my interference, it just seems that he would have to make some kind of decision at some point. As a character study, he's pretty interesting to watch though.
