Ali saved me the effort to try and figure it out in English because in Greek I would be talking and yelling and screaming (we are loud you know).
This is a power play. If you don't play along she will drop it eventually. Make sure you know your rights re custody and once you have everything settled, don't allow her to be like this with you. Your D is so young and needs both her parents. You are her hero, nobody is allowed to mess with that. Not even her mother.
It's a crazy ride but it will end soon. Be strong and since I know you hope for your real W to come back to her senses, maybe, just maybe, your attitude will be an eye opener for her. In the meantime, protect you and your feelings. K
Rob, First of let me tell you that reading your thread has helped me deal with my H. Lately there have been some very small baby steps. Men really do think differently then women. I am still learning. Anyway, I know that no matter what you say or do the restoration of your M is what you really want.You know you will pick up the pieces and go on if it ends but you don't want that. The thing is, if you have any hope of having a life after D you have to start preparing. The constant contact and texting with your W is just not good for either of you.It will be a hard habit to break, and if someone else enters your life she will not put up with it. Also if you really care about your W deep down, then you have to allow her to see what life will be like with out you Before the D. If she gets angry when you don't respond, perhaps remind her she is divorcing you. Transferring of D should be your only conversation. It is hard and very scary but just maybe it is needed now. The very sad part is, that it sounds like your W needs you far too much to get a D. I hope she realizes it at the 11th hour.No matter what anyone says, or how bad things seem , there is always hope for a miracle
First of all, I'm glad I can help you w/ your sitch. I also want you to know that I value what you have to say concering my situation, so thank you for popping by and giving me your take on my mixed up world.
As for my sitch, it is pretty bleak right now, to say the least. I'm dropping the rope and the sad thing is her abusive action is doing its best to kill every ounce of love I have left for her. That makes me so very sad. She's been at it again and I'll update everyone on that in a minute.
I'm very surprised as well that she was so angry at me for not thanking her for being supportive of my D being in my neice's wedding next summer. I've had trouble w/ her in the past for being mad at me for things like this and I've even told her that I can't read her mind so it isn't fair to punish me for it. I guess I was given a glimpse of who she really was at that time, but chose to ignore it b/c I was letting it go as a minor issue.
Until then, I'll keep going forward. I haven't scheduled w/ the DB coach yet, and I'm hoping I can do that later today so I'll have someone on the DB side to bouce this off of.
RTL, I have been away for a while and things seem to going down the same path w/ your W. I hate to say it but do not worry about it. I am sure by now you can only control yourself and do the best with what you got at the time. If she can not control her anger and understand the situation then it is her loss.
Keep doing what is best for you and your D. That is all you can do right now. Trust me it is a struggle and you seem to be doing the best you can. I am coming up on a year since my separation and I can tell you it gets better. You are the only person that can dictate how much better it gets. Take care...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
I'm sorry to know that you are probably right that I have to let her go. I know I want to make this work deep down, but I'm just not seeing that as a legitimate possibility right now. I don't know if there is much more I can do on my end. Now, our reconciliation is completely up to her and I'm not sure she'll ever stop being mad at me to look inward at her own fears and issues. I'm not too confident about things.
So, the focus is myself and my D as I prepare for a life post-divorce. I'm ok w/ it, but I know that D still wants us together. She still draws pictures of herself in the middle of W and I and we're holding her hands and swinging her. She also just drew a picture of W and I at our wedding, so I know us together is what she really wants. That will be a hard thing for her and I hope I can do the right thing to make it as easy as possible for my little angel.
Yes, it is a complete power play on the part of W, but it is also a bit of a panic mode. I think she sees her control over me and over D slipping and she is desperate to cling on to it. I have to be strong and eliminate her access to me. I know I need to go as dark as possible and it may mean this thing called us will officially end. However, it is the last resort and the only possible way we'll ever have a chance.
Thank you for adding your Sunshine to my dreary world, Maria.
That is great that I've provided some glimmer of hope for you w/ your H. I'm so glad that you can benefit from what I'm putting here. I think that is why we are here -- not only to vent, but to seek answers and provide assistance to everyone else. I'm so glad I have been able to help and I hope you'll be able to find more from me to assist you in the future.
I do want W back w/ me as my ultimate goal and I know I need to be more vigiliant about breaking the habit of riding to her rescue and responding to every call, text, and e-mail. I guess it just feels so wrong and rude not to do it, and that in itself is crazy for me to ponder b/c of how rude she is to me.
Anyway, I'm also open for a miracle, but I know I'll be ok if one doesn't come. I'm going to be fine, but I still won't wish I could have saved what was us. I'm more concerned for D growing up wondering why and always wishing it was different for her than I am for myself. But, ultimately, you are right, as W must learn what life is like w/out me to be there for her. She's never had to face this before.
I'm so sorry to know you are here w/ me and have gone through what I'm going through. I truly am. It is so awful I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Thanks for the support. I can already feel it gets better, but I'm still saddened by the prospect of facing a life w/ her bitter until the end. I can't control that and wouldn't dare try, but it is still so sad that we have to be here at this stage.
I'm letting go. I'm saying good-bye and I'm moving on. If she comes around, she may still be able to catch me before I'm completely gone. I'm not sure that will happen in time and in my mind, I see myself as done w/ her as my love. I will always love her and she will always have a special place in my heart both as my dear lost friend and partner as well as the mother of our beautiful child. However, I won't always be in love w/ her and she's helping to make that more a reality each day.
Ok, so here is what has transpired over the past few days. I've had D w/ me so I haven't been able to get in here to write, so this is from Monday.
I picked up D from W and we went to our appointment w/ the parenting evaluator. I think it went well again b/c the evaluator said he didn't see any major flags that would require him to dig deeper. I can't help but think that says he is unable to find a reason to keep her from me, but I'm still uncertain.
I told him we had W deposed and had ordered up a copy for him to see and he said he was very interested to look at it. So, knowing that, his decision won't come for another two weeks or so as we wait for the deposition to be written up and sent out.
As D and I were heading home, I got a call from a friend of mine who said she was going to be w/ her son at Gameworks and wanted to know if I wanted to bring D down there to play a bit. It sounded like fun, and I ran it by D who loved the idea, so we went. We got there and played a ton of games and ate dinner. When it got to be time for D to call W, she did and the first thing she said was we were w/ one of daddy's friends and her son and she is beautiful. I'm not sure if that was what I would have chosen to tell W, but D sure did. I really didn't care, to tell the truth. D was having fun and that was the bottom line.
After we ate, we thought of taking the kids to watch the greyhounds race at the local track as we have two miniature greyhounds (Italian greyhounds) and D was excited to see them "chase the rabbit." However, it got too late to go, so we just stopped for ice cream instead.
On the ride to ice cream, D called W again to tell her about seeing the greyhounds race. It was 8:45 and after her bedtime and I knew W would throw a fit, but I didn't care. Again, it wasn't a school night and D was having a blast.
Anyway, we came home and I let D sleep until 10 am, so she got plenty of her rest in. Yesterday I took D to my VO2 max cardio level testing and then we went out to lunch. While we were driving, D asked to call W and I gave her the phone. To my surprise, D asked if she could stay until Friday b/c she wanted to go see "Kung Fu Panda" w/ me and it opens on Friday. W of course said no and I didn't think too much about it.
When we got home, D was tired, so she napped and I checked to see that W sent an e-mail. Yes, I should have expected it, so I'm surprised I was so shocked by it. In any event, it ripped on me for keeping her up past her bedtime on Monday and then accused me of "encouraging" D to call her to beg for more time. I was very ticked off at her hypocracy and her insuiations, but didn't respond at that time. Oh, man, did I want to fight and throw it back at her. I REALLY resisted that urge, even though it was so, so strong. I waited until 5:30 this morning and e-mailed her back and simply said "thank you for taking the time to voice your concerns." That was the best thing I could come up w/ that wouldn't be dropping myself to her level. It was the only way I could think of acknowledging her statements while still dropping the rope.
D got up late from her nap and we went to the grocery store. While there, I had D call W to say goodnight. D mentioned to W that she was going to get her hair cut while she was w/ me sometime and I said we'd have to check w/ mommy 1st. I guess W clearly heard me say this b/c when D handed me the phone to talk w/ her she instantly said "I'm surprised you told her we both have to agree on getting her hair cut seeing how you've had it cut twice before w/out asking me." I responded w/ "No, I did not." and she hung up. Nice. Oh, well. Again, it is the power play in full force.
So, I took D and the dogs to the dog park after the store, then we got ice cream and headed home. The little bugger for some reason was WIDE awake at 4:30, so I've been a bit busy trying to get her to crash. She's currently asleep and I'm hoping she'll stay that way for a while.
So, now I'll return D to W today at 4 and then sit and wait to know when I'll see her again. I'm going to take the initiative and send W an e-mail to try and get some sort of a schedule established so I can have the ability to plan forward for the next few weeks. I'm sure I'll get turned down, but I'm going to be the one who asks and have W consistently on the record as the one saying no.
I'll let you know how friendly she is when we meet today. Weather prediction = Quite frosty w/ a touch of sleet and ice.
Next time you are in a book store, you might want to check out some of the co-parenting books - specifically the ones that address co-parenting with a jerk. Once you get the consistent parenting plan established in a couple of weeks, you are still faced with a vindictive ex-spouse who wants to try to control your time with your D.
I think ignoring a jerk is the best thing. Let her fume in her own selfish anger.
Hey, Kerry! I'm going to be looking at a lot of things for help and I'd be interested if there are any titles that are better than others for me to look at for my particular situation.
I'm going to let her drive herself down w/ her anger. I'm not responsible for her anymore. It is 100% up to her to decide what type of relationship we'll have in the future - either together or as co-parents. I've done all I can and I'm going to be consistent, just like I have done all along.
She'll need to decide whether or not she'll drop the bitterness. I can't do that for her, unfortunately.
