sorry to say this, but I agree with your sister. Taking the high road should not be the goal at any cost. Let things evolve and keep walking forward (while you walk through hell, I know). You deserve a lot more than this woman is capable to offer at the moment and I hope you recognise this and act accordingly.
It's not easy for me to say this but I believe you should let it go. Completely. Whatever you do, do it for you and your D. Take her out of the picture. The woman she has become should NOT be an option for you. You deserve much better my good friend. Much better.
Frank, I'm glad to know that allowing myself to get angry is ok. I've been working so hard not to be angry through this whole thing.
RTL
I HAD to get angry to get through this. That doesn't mean express your anger to W, it means let yourself feel the anger, loss, betrayal.
You're in love with the person she WAS, or at least the idealized version of that person. This is the person she IS right now. Not very attractive, is it?
I'm glad to know that allowing myself to get angry is ok. I've been working so hard not to be angry through this whole thing.
Anger is a healthy response to a threat...and your wife is indeed a threat. Just don't let the anger overcome your better judgement and you will be OK.
BTW, taking the high road does not mean being a doormat to your wife. It just means dealing with her respectfully and courteously.
RTL, I don't think it is good to constantly suppress your anger. It is normal to be angry when someone acts with hostility against you. I agree with everyone that you need to let go. I know it is not really what you want to do and you are afraid to give up. Like I said before , if it is to be , it will be. At this point there is nothing you can do that you haven't done that will change things. Your W has to want to be with you and meet you half way if you are to get back together. Allowing her to continue to be emotionally abusive to you will not make this happen. Perhaps do a true 180 and say , "no more!" There are only four words you should say to her, "yes, no, where and when"
I am slowly agreeing w/ my sister as well. I do deserve much better than the woman my W has become. I have to let go of this person. She may be this person forever and if so, we are truly done. If that is the case, then I'll have to mourn the loss of the beautiful person that was my dearest W and thank God for all the beauty and happiness she gave me. If this is the case, then the wonderful consolation prize is my sensational D, who is so fantastic that I'd go through this all again just because I'd want to be able to have her.
So, I'm at a new point for me. The official letting go of my hopes of reconciliation. I think I've already let go of the old M as it was, but I haven't let go of the thought of us. It is still hard, but it is getting easier to accept that it needs to be done. Time will continue to make it easier and easier.
And, I guess I could always try to find some lovely Greek red-head if Woog continues to drop the ball!
I do think you are right - I have to get angry to get through this. My good friend and old college room mate is a licensed psychologist in Seattle and he has been amazed at how I've not been angrier over this. In fact, he was very concerned that I was bottling up my anger and not letting it out in a healthy manner. I now see how right he and everyone else is. I do have the right to get angry, and I will.
Also, yes, I still in love w/ who she was. I'm in love w/ a ghost. That ghost was beautiful, warm, caring, and loving. I still love that ghost and probably always will. The sad part is I have to acknowledge that she's dead and gone. I have to let that ghost go. I don't love the woman I see today. The hard part is I can still see her beauty trapped inside. I can't save her. Only she can.
So, I have to let her go. I can remember the one I love, but I can no longer look to hold on to it.
I guess my biggest fear is letting the anger consume me which is why I kept it bottled up. I can be constructively angry and still be able to travel the high road w/ my W.
I will not get angry w/ her, but will vent here or other safe places. I will also continue to treat her w/ courtesy, dignity, and respect. If I don't get it in return, I will still give it out. Doesn't the biblical adage say "do unto others as you would wish them to do unto you"? That is how I can proceed.
I can't be an enabler or a doormat. This much is so very true.
This is so true. It is hard and scary to completely let go. I've partially let go up until now as I've been praying my DBing would work, but her anger and denial have been taken to new heights.
I agree that I'm not sure there is much more I can do at this point to try and save my M. I think if this is ever to come back for W and me, it will be post-D. I don't see her coming to her senses at all until she is hit full-force w/ the ramifications of a D. She needs to lose control of D, 1/2 her retirement, have to pay me out money, etc. before she'll be able to look at anything rationally. Even then, she may very well just choose to stay angry at me. If that is the road she wants to travel, I have to let her walk it alone. I have no interest in joining her on that trip.
You also said:
Quote:
There are only four words you should say to her, "yes, no, where and when"
I'm working on using these to the best of my ability. It is still hard, but I'll get better w/ more practice.
I didn't speak w/ W at all on Saturday as I went out to the D-Backs game and grabbed some beers afterward. D called me four times however, so we talked quite a bit.
As is her pattern, after a day of inactivity, she makes a lot of effort to contact me. It started early on Sunday w/ a text about picking up D. Then after D called me, W got on the phone to talk. It was an interesting conversation b/c I mentioned putting the house on the market w/ the prices being so low. W asked "why don't you just stay in it?" and I replied "I can't b/c that wouldn't allow me to have 50% time w/ D, unless we can find and agree on a school that is 1/2 way between our two residences."
W didn't answer that one and was pretty silent. I broke the silence by saying we'll have to wait until the parenting evaluator wraps up his assessment before we can answer that question. She didn't like it for sure, but that is reality right now. We need to agree if I get 50% custody. I'm still nervous about not getting it, but I'm praying I will.
Anyway, W called again a few minutes later to tell me she'd quarantined D's suitcase b/c of the lice. She then called an hour after that and asked if I had x-rays done on April 11.
After that, she sent a text about D being asked to be the flower girl in my niece's wedding. I replied that we still needed to talk w/ her, but she had been asked. W replied saying she was all for D going and asked where it was, when and how long we'd stay.
So, I replied and then got a snotty text from W who was ticked off at me. I couldn't understand why and asked for clarification and she replied "Just when I think we cold be pleasant and work together, you remind me why I left. Thank you."
Ok, I was very confused, so I asked for clarification (I know I should have left it alone -- I'm still on the learning curve here), but she didn't answer. I did call D later last night and we talked and then W sent another text about when we were scheduled to meet up today.
Today started w/ a call from D, then a text from W about a check, and then another call from D. On the 2nd call from D, she handed the phone over to W and we talked. While I had W on the line, I told her I didn't know what I had done to set her off, and she told me she was pissed b/c I didn't thank her for being so willing to let D be in the wedding last summer.
Ok, so now she's pissed off at me b/c I didn't fall down at her feet and thank her for her kindness. She is wacked out. However, on the other side, I know that she really, really needs strokes and she has this image of me that I'll never give them to her, so I could have looked more closely at this as an opportunity to affirm her actions.
The thing I'm the worst at w/ her is affirming. I know she's waaaaaaayyy off the deep end, but I still can use the interactions as a time to work on my affirming skills. I see this now as an opportunity that I'll work to capitalize on in the future, not just w/ W, but w/ everyone.
Ok, that is it for now. I'm going to try and catch up and then get cleaned up for the meeting w/ the parenting evaluator today.
I'm so sorry to catch up on your thread and read all of that, sorry I have been away, dealing with my own MLCer ;-) Your W is so unbelievable, fancy saying something like that.. she was pissed b/c I didn't thank her for being so willing to let D be in the wedding last summer
LET HER !??? Shes your D too and thats YOUR neice !?? I mean, who does she think she is!? Has she never heard of the Fathers for Justice movement (thats the UK version... [url]http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/f4j/[/url]) It makes me so mad! Girls need fathers. Shes so out of line, its untrue.
I agree with everyone, you need to drop the rope my friend, this is getting to be an abusive situation. You need to work on being polite and friendly and keeping it to finaces and childcare. You need to let her feel the full force of her decision.
I'd be interested to hear what the DB coach advises though, when is that?
Thanks so much for your words on my thread, as I said before, its so great to get a male perspective! The ony best male friend I have has advised me to go out, get drunk and sh*g a 20 year old! Tempting as it is ;-), I havent followed that advice...
Ali x Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
