I think she wants to be friends

[frank_D]

If the kids will be hurt, you have the answer to the question.

[sleeper]

Thanks Frank,

That was my thought too. What's that saying about go with your first instinct? Thing is whatever happens to the parents (us) also happens to the kids.

"And the sins of the father are visited upon the children"

I had already decided to take care of it first thing Monday morning. X-W and kids aren't supposed to be back until Wednesday.

Thanks again.

[sleeper]

X-W caled last night.

I don't remember what for except to tell me about the kids and how they're doing on vacation. I do remember she told me that her and OM were having a "tiff."

I think her reaction last weekend to me going on a date when I overheard him remark, "this is unacceptable behavior, stop it, you're still in love with him" is the source of their tiff.

I don't think he knows she gave me a key to her house.

I'm wondering if I should shake things up even more.

Naw, I'm going to be the good cop and let him be the bad cop. In fact, I'll play the part of Andy and let him be his Barney Fife self. I'll even give him his bullet for his gun.

[C_K]

Sleeper

Just looking in on your sitch. Its never boring thats for sure.
Sometimes I think if our sitchs were not so real and tragic, they would be quite amusing !. I think I would rather be you than OM though lol.
Other than that I have nothing realy to add , just enjoy the time you get with your kids.

Dave

[forward]

Sleeper,
Did you know that when people are divorced, they don't usually hang out in each other's homes, eating the food and doing their wash?

Read my thread--I think my update is kinda funny.

Just had to share that one w/you.

[sleeper]

A question for all Knights of the Order of the 2x4.......

In a way I asked this question a few days ago and thought I was settled on my plan of action but now I'm having scond thoughts. There is a financial problem x-W is unaware of as she is on vacation, I discovered it after she left and I have not told her about it because I didn't want to ruin her vacation.

I was going to take care of it and inform her of the entire sitch (after the fact) when she returned. It's going to cost a couple of thousand dollars to deal with it.

This AM in that strange moment of clarity just before I woke up I had second thoughts.

We're not married anymore.

Although still financially intertwined (no FS) it involves property she adamantly says is hers.

I've been overly nice (the meek will inherit the earth but we'll be too banged up to enjoy it) and it really hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Some say I've denied her the experience of being divorced.

Another question is when she gets back and I tell her and she asks for help how do I answer?

1. Not my problem. (too cocky)
2. I'd help if you were my wife. (too leading)
3. Ask your boyfriend. (too vindictive)
4. Ich wise nicht! (too German)
4. Like, Oh my god! (too valleygirl)

[SirPrizeMe]

Sleeper, I think your W is acting a little nutty, yes.
On the other hand - don't take this the wrong way - I think you are very much still enmeshed with her.

It seems like everything is still about her. I see you still love her, I understand the feeling, I understand what you are going through. But my opinion - you've got to let her go. That means, don't be on the other end of the phone as soon as she calls. If you are speaking to her every day, that is probably too much. Be pleasant when you are around her, but YOU control the frequency and duration of those visits. If you are divorced, then the answer to "would you like to come on vacation with me?" is a polite, "No, Thank you."

It is not fair to you, or to the OM, if you go along. It's ok to fondly remember, out loud, with her, the good times you had. Could you have said it this way? "Ahh, yes, I remember the lovely times we had there. The old days! (pause) But we move on... We're in a different time now. I'm sure you'll have a great time."

Some say I've denied her the experience of being divorced.

Count me in.

As for the financial thing - I don't have an opinion on that, because you haven't been very specific. But here again, this sounds like HER THING, not yours. Ok, it will hurt the children, and that seems to suggest that you should get involved. On the other hand, if that means "it will hurt the children because it will hurt her financially", then it's not your thing. Step off. It's her life.

When she asks for help how do I answer?

The basic answer is your #1 candidate, "Not my problem." But of course, in the nicest, most empathetic way possible. I think if you had more of an independent life, this would be easier for you. Would it help if you thought of this as a growing opportunity for HER? You're doing her a favor by letting her solve her own problems. Really. And the only way you'll have a healthy relationship with her in the future is if she grows, and you grow, both of you - stronger. This is something she needs to go through, and your job is to not interfere with it. Advice, yes, on a limited basis. Empathy, yes. Take care of it for her? No.

I feel like you standing for your marriage is a good thing. But the way you are doing it is maybe not the best way. It feels to me like you need more distance, less availability, more mystery about you. And, that date - why not go and enjoy the attention of a younger woman?

It may take time. Your counselor suggested she might remarry you. He (she) probably did not mean "the same month as your divorce takes effect". Come on, it's been 3 weeks since it was final. Give it time. Let her go for a while. Can you continue being nice, but just not as available?

Patience, Patience, Patience.

I am no expert. This is just what I think. Here's a thought - maybe invest some $$ into a few phone conversations with Jody or Dottie or one of the DB counselors. I'll bet they would have some good insight for you.

Then, WRITE IT DOWN, and post it on your bathroom mirror. And every morning, read it and stick to that plan. No matter how many times she calls, no matter what she says, or what new wrinkle develops. Just stick to your plan, be constant, be steady, be pleasant, and give her distance and freedom.

You're a good man, and you love a good woman. I respect what you want to do. Give it time.

[frank_D]

STBXW: Can you help me?

SLEEPER: I really can't, I'm very busy and this is your property, not mine. I don't want any liability for mistakes I might make.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ummmm...

Ditto SirPrizeMe.

[Bworl]

Sleeper,

I'll go along with SirPrizeMe a bit on the issue of you still being so enmeshed with her life. My main issue is that it doesn't seem to be good FOR YOU. It keeps you hanging, it keeps you agitated, mostly it keeps you ATTACHED and subject to the swing of her emotions.


On the other hand, some time ago you had decided to approach things from the standpoint of being her best friend. Now let me say, for ME the idea of being best friends with an ex-spouse who has another man is NOT doable. But this WAS the way you were going, and I think you at least laid some groundwork in that direction by being there for her on a number of occasions.


More recently you have begun to rethink that decision and started to think that perhaps pulling back and less contact was the way to go. There are lots of positives in that FOR YOU, though your ex's past behavior would suggest that less contact would be a negative for things between the two of you. Of course, then I remind myself that you're already divorced.


To me the bottom line is that you have to choose an approach that allows you to be genuine.


If you're PRETENDING to be her best friend, she'll realize that you're pretending at some point.


If you're PRETENDING to what nothing to do with her, your actions will prove otherwise at some point.


I do believe that there is reason to believe that YOUR wife may choose to renew your relationship at some point. At least from what you share about the OM, it doesn't sound like it's a solid, great relationship. Certainly not a lifetime type relationship.


But you have to make a decision. And then you have to stop second guessing and waffling on your decision.


As for the financial deal, how is it that you come to know of a problem that SHE has?


I would be inclined to say that this is HER problem and SHE needs to both recognize the problem on her own and decide how to deal with it on her own.


You've been fairly obtuse about specifics, so it's hard to say. You suggest it could hurt your kids, but you don't tell us how. You know that most of us on here would advise you to do anything you can to keep your kids from being hurt. I feel like you're teasing us a bit here.


Let her deal with it.


And if she asks you for help, respond according to the way you are COMFORTABLE responding. Don't do it for show, to score points, or to appear to be her knight in shining armor.


Do it because that is what Sleeper would do, because that's the kind of man her is.


Time for the gameplaying to come to an end.


Blessings,

Bill