I'd also like to see her exposed as a fraud on the stand in a trial, but if there is no real point of doing it, I won't push for one. However, I'm pretty sure she'll be the one to ask for a trial b/c she won't like the rulings and findings that will be handed down to her.
You are better off focusing on the business side of the divorce--but it doesn't hurt to indulge a little revenge fantasy here and there
Listen to your lawyer's advice. He will help you come out of this in the best possible position to rebuild your life. Your wife will have to deal with the consequences of the path she chose.
BTW, you are getting some great advice from frank D, who has a lot of experience.
Frank does give great advice. PhoenixDeaux (aka JustMe) also has given me great advice also.
The way things have been going, you could be described as a man on a string. You, just as I was, are like a yoyo.
Your W has crossed too many moral lines. You have to give up hope that she will someday snap out of it. RTL, you can do so much better than her. There are women out there (as in these forums) that respect their man and dont walk away when the going gets tough. Move on with the D and get it behind you. Trust you L who has seen this stuff for many years.
I'm so lucky you wandered by my thread. I really am. You and Phoenixdeaux have both showed up lately w/ some wonderful advice and I thank you very much.
Hey, first of all, I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek by saying it was my fault. I guess, sarcastically, I was blaming myself for having high expectations on my W's behavior. I know I didn't deserve this, but I do think you are right that I have overlooked some of my W's bad traits until now.
Again, I just expected her to be on board w/ me 100%. That is where it is my fault, b/c I assumed we were partners to the end. Shame on me for that.
I'll continue to work on going dark and completely detaching. I know I need to do it more intensly than I have been up to now. Thanks for your encouragement and I can only hope that karma will rear its head and bite my W in the rear and hard.
You are completely right that once that does occur, it will be totally up to me to decide whether or not I want to continue to deal w/ this woman.
I wanted to add to the last post, but it wouldn't let me. Your thoughts about "not playing the game" and "smiling and waving" are great too.
I need to stop playing the game. I just think it is so rude of me to ignore her - or to ignore anyone for that matter. It just goes against what I've come to believe is proper behavior in the past.
However, it is very clear that this is a completely new ball game and thus has totally new, and often-times odd rules of play. But, it is where I'm at and I do have to play by these rules I've been handed.
I don't have to like it, but I do have to accept it.
Finally, she does need to know what life is like w/out me to be there for her. I am a good man, warts and all. I know I'm not perfect and I've made some mistakes in my M, but I've always been there and cared for W no matter what. I have to believe that deep down she knows I'm good to her and for her, but her borderline personality issues are keeping her from embracing what she knows in her heart. She's never had to face her troubles w/out me. She needs to learn this lesson and I must be the one to force her to learn it. It is very hard and not too enjoyable to think about, but I'm only hurting us both by resisting. I have to begin to move forward w/out her right now.
It is sad b/c I'm at that point where I know she needs to be let go, but I feel guilty about dropping the rope. I know that sounds a bit crazy, but if you've been here too, you can understand.
If I can get my custody situation settled, I will have little reason to talk to her on a regular basis. I'm eagerly looking forward to that day. Then I think I can truly start to detach and be free.
I think your W does not understand lice at all! The chances are almost 100% that they were never gone. They don't live a long time with no head. And the "treatments" are almost a waste of money, because if you don't get them all, it's almost like you never started. And what person in their right mind put insecticide on their kid's head? The only way to really get them is a good nit comb, and a lot of time. Not just once, but several days in a row. They are a real pain to get rid of!
No worries, my friend. I didn't think you were harsh. I thought you were spot on. I was being a bit sarcastic in saying "shame on me for thinking I had a life partner here." It is sobering, but I'm ok w/ it. It is difficult, but you are all right on. I've got to go as dark as possible.
Frank is right that she needs to learn what it is like to not have me around, so that is where I'm headed next. Phoenixdeaux said it well - "what have you got to lose?" The answer is nothing. I've got nothing more to lose by cutting her off. The loss, as pointed out by Frank, will be hers.
I'm enabling her right now. You hit that one on the head. I'm allowing her to keep me on that roller coaster. I'm letting her berate and belittle me (remember, I supposedly did this to her on a regular basis - PROJECTION, anyone?). I then allow her to cry on my shoulder. I'm keeping her nuttiness alive. I can see it now, thanks to my caring friends out there.
Your question is so valid, "why would she think that someone who raped her would care if her back hurt?" The answer is obvious, she and I both know there was never a rape or even a sexual assault. However, I'm allowing her to say these things about me publically and then I'm giving her a shelter in the storm privately? That is crazy on my part. What am I doing? I'm saying it is ok to lie about me in public and to your family and friends b/c I'll always be there for you anyway.
I'm the fool here. You are all so correct. It is time for my W to see there are consequences to her actions and the 1st consequence is a loss of access to me.
Thank you again. I have no problem w/ the directness of your comments. Keep them coming. They do nothing but help shake me out of the haze and see things better. Keep 'em comin'.
I am focusing on the business side completely, but oh those revenge fantasies are very, very sweet.
My L said to me several months ago "and you still want to try and patch things up w/ this woman?" At the time, I still thought there was a shot, but I'm pretty unsure of that now.
I'm taking his advice and letting him lead this thing from here to the end. The only way I can ever see my W and I reconciling is after our D is final. Then she'll have reality in her face. The problem for her in this scenario is I really don't see my door staying open very much longer b/c it is unfortunately almost completely shut now.
Have a good finish to your year. Summer is here for me and just around the corner for you, my friend.
Yes, my W has crossed WAY too many moral lines. She is a mess and there is no cure for her in the near future. She has to hit bottom before she'll ever begin to look inside of herself and I am starting to think the finalized D and loss of control over our D5 may be the only thing that gets her to that point.
I too think there are many ladies out there for me who will truly be my partner and ally through thick and thin. I'm growing more and more pessimistic about my chances of a continued life w/ my W every day.
I know the book says that you have to be prepared for your partner to completely leave for good if you go dark, and I just haven't been ready for that until now. I've wanted to go dark, but couldn't bring myself to do it.
I spoke w/ my sister last night and she said "I don't want this to come across as negative, but I'm glad to see you are finally expressing some anger here. You've been so careful to take the high road that I've been worried that you haven't allowed yourself to get really mad."
It is about time I get pissed off over what is going on. I don't want my anger to consume and drive me, but I am tired of being the stand up guy and taking everything she's throwing at me. Now, I don't have to retaliate, but I can choose to ignore them instead. That is what I will continue to focus on - only answer information about D and keep things very, very simple. No need to defend or explain. Simple yesses and nos will suffice.
I really have come to love everyone here on this site. We are all good people, warts and all, who only want to see the best in everyone come through. Some of our situations are fixable and it is so encouraging to see people moving toward successful busting of divorces. However, there are others of us who may not be able to save our M's, and that is ok. This site has the hope of saving all M's, but it also is here to help us save ourselves regardless of what happens in the M.
I couldn't have been able to do any of this w/out you all. Even the "lurkers" who don't post are important b/c they send off good thoughts and energy to us all.
I guess I just want to say, thanks. I know I can't ever repay everyone personally, but I can stay here on this site and continue to pay it forward as a tribute to all you've done for me.
