I have been in SSM for about 6 years. It happened slowly with the birth of children, a death in the family and other daily chores that became more important than being close. The lack of sex and intimacy brought on lots of resentment and anger in our marriage and before long neither of us had the urge to be together sexually anymore. I thought we had made a non-verbal agreement to just live this way and was OK with it, apparently he felt rejected and was starting to hate me. About a year ago my H had an affair and said it was only for the sex since he wasn't getting any at home. I have a hard believing that purely lack of sex will drive a man to cheat. I cannot get over his lying to me and feel that a sexless marriage is just his excuse. I believe he has a lack of morals and immaturity to go outside the marriage and then blame it on me without discussing it maturely. My H says he is very sorry and deeply wants to work on marriage and strangely our sex life is now better than ever. I think we have both awakened to our sexuality again, but I just cant help to see him as a sick perverted person now who is obsessed with other women. The way he acted and the language he used are so unlike anything I have ever known from him (20+) years. I am curious to know how men really feel when they are rejected and does it really make them so desperate that they are willing to give up your wife and children just to have sex???????????
The best explanation for how my own (previously) sex-starved marriage made me feel -- as the HD partner -- is contained in Chapter 1 of Michele's SSM book. If you haven't read this over carefully, take another look at it. I was miserable and lonely within my own marriage. I was angry and resentful, and not much fun to be around. I also felt cheated by my wife, in a 'breach of contract' sort of way: in effect, my wife was saying to me "I expect you to honor your marriage vows and remain faithful to me, while at the same time, I am going to ignore your desires for physical intimacy. You can nether come to me to have those needs met, nor can you go elsewhere to have them met."
If you've read The SSM, then you know about the Marriage Catch-22, and I've repeated it in my posts often enough to be reluctant to repeat it again. I'll just say this. Physical closeness and intimacy are the primary means by which your husband expresses his love for you and feels loved himself --> an important point that many women just don't get because, for them, emotional intimacy is the primary means by which they express and feel their love. So your husband wasn't just missing "sex" and a physical release. He was missing physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, and love. He was trying to fill a large void in his life, but did it in the WRONG WAY.
I won't make excuses for anyone having an affair. I didn't do it, no matter how miserable I was. My wife didn't either. But you asked for an explanation as to how he might have been feeling and what may have driven him to it -- those feelings I can understand and relate to you.
Best wishes,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
My take is that they talk about the sex but that there is so much more wrapped up in that word. I think that our H's feel generally rejected and it makes them vulnerable to someone else who looks up to them, flatters their ego, and makes them feel valid.
Your H may say it was about the sex....but there is so much more wrapped up in that statement.
It was only when I started reading guys post about how rejected they felt that I started to understand just how much I had hurt my H by not wanting him....because that's what he felt. I always knew I loved him but for one reason or another I often didn't want him physically. After a while that lack of enthusiasm from one's partner really hurts and humiliates. If he had been like that with me I would have felt hurt too.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
HI blackwell...I am curious when you say: "The way he acted and the language he used are so unlike anything I have ever known from him (20+) years." Can you elaborate on that, because if you can tell us some of the things he was saying, that would be helpful. This could be many different things, so I don't want to go off in the wrong direction.
But as for the rest of your situation...
I cheated on my husband when I was married, and although I am so sorry about it and feel like a horrible person, I can absolutely say that yes, I was willing to risk losing my husband and kids at the time. Now of course, that doesn't mean you WANT to lose them - - it just means that you are driven to a point where you are going to seek out intimacy at all costs. You actually and sincerely want intimacy with your spouse, NOT your infidelity partner. But you feel at the time, under a cloud of hazy thinking that is usually caused by years of neglect, that you cannot have your spouse and therefore you will have to take the next best thing, the infidelity partner.
I make no excuse for cheating. It is wrong in every single case, including mine. But some of us have to learn the hard way - I know I did.
But let me say this and I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but...if I could have done it over again, instead of cheating I would have asked my husband for a divorce as soon as I felt that "pull" that ultimately caused me to cheat.
My story is long and complicated, so most people shouldn't use that type of extreme measure. I just know that in my case, if I had gone to my husband and said "honey, I am feeling so disconnected from you that I am feeling lured into the arms of another man...there must be a problem here...therefore maybe we should get divorced"...well, at least that would have prompted him into action, one way or another. It would have been no empty threat on my part, either. We did end up divorced anyway, so obviously we were in dire straits. I just wish that I would have given him the direct in-your-face reality dose rather than trying to have cake and eat it, too.
Bagheera has done an excellent job of expressing the reasoning behind cheating, though not justifying it. I also live in a relatively sexless marriage and I have not cheated. But you sound exactly like my wife did when she found out the husband of one of her acquaintances had cheated after five years of no sex and separate bedrooms. My wife's reaction was the same as yours "how could he!" Mine was quite different (and probably most mens') "what right does she have to complain?" The way a man sees it, you have broken a contract, deal, agreement or whatever by no sex. In a man's mind and by even Biblical standards, that is what separates a friendship from a marriage. If the wife has elected to have a friendship instead of a marriage, then deep down, a man feels single again. Look at it this way. If your husband decided he would no longer provide for the family, should he get upset if you do? For a man, sex in a marriage is just as implicitly expected as provision. By the way, you need to be REALLY carefully about calling him perverted. Having sex is not perversion, having sex with animals or children is. When you call your husband sick and perverted, that is what he hears! By the way, I am not defending your husband and I hope I did not come accross too harshly, but you asked for a man's perspective. I am assuming since you are having sex, that there is some hope for your marriage and I hope you make it through!
Well, my situation's a bit different, in that although I've been in a pretty much sexless marriage for over 15 years, and I'm the HD spouse, it was my WIFE who ended up having the affair, after I finally stopped pursuing her, validating her, and generally kissing her cute tusch, but that's another story.
Yes, as a man, I can very much see where years of sexual rejection and lack of affection and intimacy from your wife could lead a man to do this. I've been sorely tempted, MANY times, and have often felt it was only by the grace of God that I never strayed. It's not RIGHT -- he should have come to you and told you how tempted he was, and asked you to go to MC with him or something -- but I can definitely see how he could do it.
Like someone else said, reach Michele's book for a much better description of what spouses feel when they are repeatedly rejected, sexually. It says it better than I ever could.
I too am curious as to what types of things your husband said. If he just wanted a little "dirty talk" in bed, that's one thing. Or it may have been something totally abhorrent.
Thanks to all who have given such great insight - I really do appreciate it! For more background the OW is someone he has know from work who got divorced, is a total flirt and has had multiple affairs (H did not know that, thought he was special I guess). Lunch a couple of times, lots of phone calls and sex 2 times (so he says). I had some evidence and asked if he was having an A, he denied and lied to my face for about 4 weeks while he was planning next hook up with her.
As far as what was said, it is mostly in regards to phone calls that I overheard. I was shocked that he would be talking on his work phone discussing what he wanted to do in bed and how he can't stop thinking about her body parts, I love you, etc. when he hasn't said a word to me for nearly 5 years. The most damaging is the hate and/or anger in his voice when he spoke of me. Saying he would like to make money for her, but no f*&king way for me, I never give him sh*t, that I'm reading books to work on our marriage but it's a joke. His reply to me is that he was only talking that way because it was for sex, not love (although at the time he wasn't sure)and there were no plans or thoughts for the future. The way I see it is if I was having an A with someone else I don't think I would ever mention my H - so maybe he did still want me subconciously-who knows?
He has tried very hard to reconcile with me, but whenever get angry and disgusted I start to shut him out (yes, I have withheld again) I find him looking at porn or dating sites which makes me see him as the "pervert" (mean I know). I have read Debbie Ford's book (When Good People Do Bad Things) and her explanation makes some sense. We are all hurt in some ways (mostly rejection) and whatever that form of rejection is, that becomes how you act out. Example 1-wife withholds sex, so when feel rejected you go to other women, porn etc to comfort you, but makes the problem worse. Example 2 - you feel rejected for your weight, so you end up eating to make yourself feel better and soothe the pain. Meanwhile you have no idea why you sabotage yourself and do the things you do?
He has tried very hard to reconcile with me, but whenever get angry and disgusted I start to shut him out (yes, I have withheld again) I find him looking at porn or dating sites which makes me see him as the "pervert" (mean I know).
Blackwell, can you see how it seems you haven't REALLY understood or learned about your husband's feelings of rejection? Withholding got you INTO this mess; with whom do you suggest he get his sexual release, if OW and porn are both unacceptable, and you're unavailable to him?
I think you both need some good counseling, as there seems to be a LOT of resentment built up here, which is understandable.
Ok, I shouldn't really say I am withholding sex again, it's more of me feeling used and rejected which doesn't make me feel like being intimate. Sometimes I think why do I want to be with someone who is clearly attracted to and pursuing other women? Again, I think the "no sex" is an excuse to do whatever you want when things don't go exactly your way. We have had counseling and everyone always says the same thing - he needs to communicate and I need to forgive-doesn't help much!
