for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[TwinDad]

Seems innocent enough to me.....it is validating him which is what the WAS want. So I wouldn't see this as a bad thing

[happynow]

Hi Seek,

I think that was great that you left him that note!!! It will let him know that he had a part in this & it will let him know you have no bad feelings for him. I don't think it was pursing either, just a thank you can go a long way.

Good job!!!

[seekpeaceofmind]

My house is officially on the market. I have mixed feelings but need to keep moving on with my life. I am trying to make the best of what is. I am frustrated abt the house sitch, b/c if we were moving together w/ both our incomes, we cld upgrade, but I cannot afford a better place on my own. The financial side of D is stressful - at least we have always lived below our means and saved quite a bit for retirement so it's not devastating to make the adjustment,just disappointing. I know th some have been forced into debt or bankruptcy and I am grateful to be in better shape than that.

I was struck by a thought last night. I went to hear a band (w/ my niece - v pleased she asked) and the singer spoke of a song she had written abt the end of a relationship and she said it wasn't really abt ending but new beginning. I thought - what am I beginning? All of my reading these past months has incl this theme - ending leads to beginning - letting go means opening oneself to something else coming in. I want a fresh start in my life. If it is going to chg drastically, why not also chg in a new direction of my own choosing? The only problem is th I have no idea what I want to pursue or how to go abt it. It's not like I have long repressed dream th I am now free to follow. I just know th I don't really want more of the same life th I already have - only w/ a big, gaping hole where H belongs. And so far, all of my GAL is really more abt ignoring th hole rather than the adventure of a new way of life.

Which leads to my 2nd realization this w/e. I need to accept th my M is over. He is gone. Maybe we can still reunite, but this M is broken and the pieces are swept away, w/ a few shards remaining here and there. I catch myself often thinking - I don't want D, I want H back. I swear these thoughts come up on their own - unwanted and unbidden. But, they represent resistance and I cannot afford that. I need to train my mind th this has already happened - no point in resisting b/c it is done. The M is past and the task now is to accept reality and focus on the present.

[happynow]

Hi Seek,

I agree with you 100%, everyone says this is a new beginning but there is that hole where our H's belong!!!

Those feelings come up on there own in my mind also. I want H back & I didn't want this D but I am divored & I have to accept it for now but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm doing my best to turn it over to God, that is also easier said than done!!

You just try really hard to concentrate on you right now. You don't know for sure that he is not coming back. Just try to stay strong!!

(((HUGS)))

[happynow]

Hi Seek,

Just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing??

(((HUGS)))

[Evie]

Seek,

Hi sorry i haven't been around, i've been in a bit of a fog myself.

I agree with NLT, you are not sure that H isn't coming back, but everything you are doing will make YOU a much stronger person. Every back slide i have has made me more aware and i come out of it stronger and wiser.

I think a new place is probably what we both need. We don't need the process or the stress to get there, but at the end of the day we are both nesters and love our homes. My H can walk around my home during the day when i'm at work, i don't like it but I have no choice.

...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

All of my reading these past months has incl this theme - ending leads to beginning - letting go means opening oneself to something else coming in. I want a fresh start in my life. If it is going to chg drastically, why not also chg in a new direction of my own choosing? The only problem is th I have no idea what I want to pursue or how to go abt it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Your so right, and i'm right there with you. Take care of today and let tomorrow take care of itself. I have no idea what i want to do - YET, but hey my attitude is getting better. My girls said to me recently that i'm different, i look different and seem different, happier, freer? I wasn't aware i was, but maybe we give off vibes?? who knows, i do know i feel happier though.

I think you are doing great, you have a positive mind and mental attitude.

Book that weekend by the lake....Just do it. Every time you do something, you will feel proative and empowered.

Have a great weekend.

Love Evie xxxx

[seekpeaceofmind]

I've been laying low. Still trying to come to terms with what I know to be true - naming it and accepting it seem to be worlds apart. I seem to have my own rollercoaster - I'm in another low point and I'm very tired of getting so sad. I only see C once a month now - she seems to think I'm doing well. I see myself as really stuck.

Pretty much a wasted day today. Maybe I need these quiet days as part of my healing, but it doesn't feel like a good place to be after all of these months. One good thing was that one of the women I met at the support group called to say hello. I was so encouraged by that, that I decided to "pay it forward" and called one of the other women I connected with who said she wanted to broaden her social network. So, now I have plans with that person later in the week. I really need to focus on friendship and getting out.

Evie - I do think we give off vibes. I am so happy for you that yours are becoming brighter.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Still thinking. . . . I think that one of my big problems with letting go is the sense of failure. Even when I can get my head around the emotional aspects of all this and recognize that H has his own issues to deal with, I recoil when I think of our M actually failing. I can recognize that it took both of us to get to this place and that it wld take 2 to heal our M, but the feeling of failure can't be shared. The fact that he shares in it does not lessen my burden. I just can't accept failing at this - it's the most I've ever invested of myself and I feel lessened right now. I wonder how others get past this feeling. I guess I know what I need to focus on in next C session. . . . .

[Evie]

Seek, don't punish yourself like this. If our H's cannot/will not talk to us and share their feelings, we cannot accept the total blame. Yes it takes 2 and now we know how much pain that they are in we can look to our own faults, but we are NOT to FULLY blame.

Keep connecting with the ladies from the support group, its making the effort thats half the battle.

Our H's right now are on the mother ship, if and when they come back we will be much stronger woman, who will set boundaries and recognise the symptons if it happens again. Keep working on you for now, concentrate your energies on you.

We can do this....

(((((SEEK))))))

X Evie.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks, Evie. More than you know. I will take your words to heart.

I am trying think more positive thoughts - surround myself with healing and kindness. I did have one DB Coach session and she said that 95% of DB is abt yourself - I wrote "attraction energy" in my notes. I just don't seem to be able to get that part of myself in gear and find that strong woman I always thought I was. I used to be feisty.

One thing that I just can't deal with is leaving things "broken" and unresolved. I always want to fix things and make them better. H's way of stuffing problems down and walking away from them drives me crazy. I'm sure my way of confrontation is equally difficult for him. But, we've done this his way for a year now and I've been silenced for too long. I've started a letter to him. It's not a pursuing letter, but I will say that I remain committed to M and to him. It's not a "mea culpa" letter, but the main point of it will be to say the things I am sorry for. I need to do that. I can't have regret hanging over me. I'm not going to take all of the blame, but I am going to take my share of responsibility for how things are. I am going to work on it this week and discuss with C, but I am pretty sure that I am going to send it to him. I think I just have to for my own "peace of mind". And, really, what have I got to lose?