for purely selfish reasons I am starting a thread that gives reading ideas for specific topics.
Does anybody have suggestions for books that deal with changing emotional responses? I believe that emotions are controlled or at the very LEAST influenced by our thoughts and actions, so therefore we can control our emotions to some degree. I am looking for books with suggestions for how to influence our "feelings"
feelings are like the weather, they change. And there's been a f-ing hurricane through here lately.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Michele's academic text explains SBT theory in detail. It is called In Search of Solutions. Also, her book Divorce Busting covers the theory at a laymans level as well.
Basically she argues that action drives thought, rather than thought driving action.
Her point is simple. If you want to feel a certain way, DO something that you have experiened drives your moods in that way.
Michele suggests that the physical action, adjusts emotional response, becuase hte environment has shifted from the physical action.
If you want to feel better, do something that makes you feel better.
Sitting and waiting for the mood to arrive before you act just promotes a vicious circle of procrastination.
I don't know if the mods will allow me to provide this information (they refer to it as 'advertising' unless it's a MWD book). Anyway, if they do allow it, I read a really great book called med Emotional Alchemy. It's about the transformative power of mindfulness. I really enjoyed reading it and found it very helpful.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Maybe not exactly what you want, as I think they focus on actions more than feelings, but the 2 books I have found most helpful so far are Divorce Remedy and the other (also by Michele Weiner-Davis) is Change Your Life and Everyone in it. That is kind of like DR in it's philosophy of changing your actions, doing what works, etc., but not just a R focus, but it says on the cover: how to transform difficult Rs, overcome anxiety and depression & break free from Self-Defeating Ways of Thinking, Feeling, or Acting. If anyone has found some other books that are compatible with these, I'd love to hear about them also!!! And I'm hoping Ms. W-D will also write a book hopefully in the near future dealing with issues if you do have separation/divorce and all the issues that would come into play with those. Karen
Yes, Mark I agree with you, and I think I've found that it works well for me at least. You figure out what you do when you're not depressed and/or are happy, and do that. For me, exercise, seeing friends, keeping busy, trying to challenge myself in small ways, etc. and not focusing so much on your feelings is what I've taken from the books. It does seem to work well for me, b/c I really used to be too overanalytic, worrying, anxious type so I think I focused too much on my feelings or depression or whatever. Doing what works does works for me, although it sounds so simple but for some reason I didn't do much of that most of my life! Karen
journaling here: There are times I just want my life back. I feel like we all feel in the beginning: just give me my life back. I want to fall on the floor and beg spouse and swear that I will do anything to save our family. (not a pretty picture now that I put it into words) But that's how I feel some times. Another part of me wonders why it always seems to be me that's willing to "change" and am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of settling for 2nd or even 3rd place? Am I afraid of loss, or change, or what?
Every time I lay down a boundary spouse has some type of fit. After she went to "visit" ow on Sat night I asked her not to call me during the day on Sunday. I sent her a simple email saying "please don't call me, you know DD is safe. I'll see you when you get home" She generally calls from work to check in and see what DD and I are up to. She didn't call but when she came home from work she told me privately that she was being "respectful" but it was unreasonable of me. What if she wanted to talk to DD?
yep, any kind of boundary is beyond her.
And I'm disappointed in the couples therapist. I did the initial "finding" of therapist and I told this person up front that we needed to "reconnect" and fast, was she into brief solution therapy and she assured me she was. But we've been wandering in the land of "why" as far as I'm concerned. I get the impression that she thinks I just don't get it. Do I confront her on this? Do I do it privately or in front of spouse or WTF? It's not like I can say to spouse "let's find someone new". Spouse is "comfortable" with this one, probably because others have told her she was "wrong" or making the problem and this one has not even hinted at "blame". Anybody ever had this problem and how did you handle it?
It's just not a pretty time around her. I still love my spouse, she considers me her "family". And yet we sit in the same old bog, me feeling like I'm holding us up and wondering if I should just let it sink. )*&*^!!!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
after the affair for both, 7 principles of effective marriage. 7 habits of highly effective people. how to end any conflict! 5 love languages. The Bible!!!, Divorce Remedy. mars and venus relationship guide.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
And I'm hoping Ms. W-D will also write a book hopefully in the near future dealing with issues if you do have separation/divorce and all the issues that would come into play with those.